


Dirty Windows

by Semi_problematic



Series: Dirty Windows [1]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Cutting, Depression, F/F, F/M, Father/Son Incest, Flashbacks, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Original Character(s), Parent/Child Incest, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2018-10-15 03:29:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 32
Words: 104,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10549312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Semi_problematic/pseuds/Semi_problematic
Summary: AU in which Philip was getting sexually abused by his mother's boyfriend and when the police found out the court ruled Anne an unfit mother and Philip was sent into foster care.





	1. Playlist

\- Monster by Meg and Dia 

\- Safe In The Dark by Ludo 

\- Ocean Eyes by Billie Eilish

\- Bad Wisdom by Suzanne Vega 

\- Little Do You Know by Alex & Sierra 

\- Lovers Eyes by Mumford & Sons 

\- Thousand Eyes by Of Monsters and Men 

\- My Heart Goes Bum Bum Bum by Flatsound

\- Afraid by the Neighbourhood 

\- Daddy Issues by the Neighbourhood

\- Pedophile by Cupcakke 

\- Razorblade by Blue October 

\- Borderline by Tove Styrke

\- Waiting for Superman by Daughtry 

\- Kristy, are you doing okay? By The Offspring 

\- Vagabond by Misterwives

\- Bathtub by The Front Bottoms 

\- Organs by Of Monsters and Men 

\- Fallen Angel by Three Days Grace

\- Just Like You by Three Days Grace

\- Elastic Heart by Sia

\- Skinny Love by Birdy 

\- Lose It by Oh Wonder 

\- Somewhere Only We Know by Lily Allen

\- The War by Syml 

\- Santa Monica Dream by Angus and Julia Stone 

\- Happier by Ed Sheeran 

\- Bite by Troye Sivan 

\- Coming Down by Halsey 

\- For Him by Troye Sivan 

\- Let It Go by James Bay 

\- Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran

\- Heaven by Troye Sivan 

\- Ease by Troye Sivan 

\- Into The Wild by Johnossi 

\- The Mark by Cold Specks

\- Lost Boy by Troye Sivan

\- Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw this entire playlist is on Spotify  
> It is named Dirty Windows (fanfic)


	2. Chapter 2

The thing Philip hated the most about all the driving was the dirty windows. They'd catch in the light and make everything look a little off. He hated how dirty the doors were and how each car had the new car smell that he was quickly getting rid off. He'd been passed around so many times he can't even remember the names of the drivers, not that it mattered, he could tell all of them just felt bad for him or were disgusted with him.

That's everyone's reaction when they find out what happened. Pity or disgust. One social worker even blamed him, telling him he should've told and not waited to get caught, telling him he was lucky he wasn't raped and that the man only attempted to. It was shitty but Philip tried his best to be respectful. After all, if these people are dicks and know what happened he could only imagine how much worse they would get if he was rude. So he sat in silence.

Every other driver it seemed like would try and talk to him. About music. About sports. About school. About anything but the fact he was ripped out of his home. One even tried to ask Philip about the weather and that made Philip crack a small smile. 

They had to check out families too, and decent enough they avoided most homes that only had a man. (Philip wouldn't ever admit it but being alone around men, especially men bigger than him, terrified him.) They said no to a lot of homes too, homes that already had children. They never said it to Philip but they assumed he was a bad kid. (Okay, he didn't have the best attendance in the world but he only skipped a few times, he wasn't going to try and kill  the people taking care of him in their sleep. That'd just mean he'd have to get moved again.

Soon, all of the ones in the city were turned down, whether it be because there was a man who wasn't trustworthy or because they had kids or because they were scared of Philip. Yeah, believe it or not some of the people in the foster care system only want the cute little ones, the ones they can still teach. The ones who haven't figured out the world is unfair and cruel and empty.

So with that being said, Philip was sent to a small town, a town he'd never even heard of, to live there. Philip knew it was coming down to the wire, that this family had to like him no matter what, he didn't want to get moved even further away from his mom or end up having to stay in a faster home. 

The small podunk towns name was Tivoli. There was one high school, one theater, one bowling alley, a target, and just one of everything. The houses were spread apart by miles, everyone owning tons of land. Philip felt stupid for being so mesmerized by it but it was just so new. Yeah, there were houses with yards in the city, but none had yards that reached out to woods or long driveways made of dirt.

Philip leaned his head on the window, closing his eyes, listening to the wind. 

"So, Phil, you like it down here?" The person speaking was a woman. She looked to be around 24, so Philip wasn't going to sit and be a dick to a girl who was probably really knew to the job. Even if she called him the worst nickname alive. She had a bob and had on these big glasses that could easily be two bottoms of a glass coke can. He didn't even know they made glasses that big.

Philip pulled away from the window, shrugging. "It's nice."

"Nice? Do you not like it?" Ah, yes, one thing about being with a young social worker is the fact that she knows he's lying half the time and the other half is just a half ass attempt to make the situation sound positive. 

"No, I like it, I mean, trees and grass are always nice, especially if you needed to plant things in a zombie apocalypse." Philip closed his eyes. And yeah, another thing. He can't fucking carry a conversation for the life of him. He had friends, tons of friends at his old school. Until they stopped. They stopped being friends with him for really lame reasons. That their parents suddenly hated him or their partner didn't like him, but Philip knew the real reason. He was molested for a good 12 years of his life and no one wants to be friends with someone who has that kind of baggage.

"You like the Walking Dead?" The worker asked, Philip thinks her name was Amy, but they can't really expect him to remember all these names when his life is changing faster than his body. (Gross analogy.)

"I watched the first two seasons but I couldn't get into it. I wanted more gore." Philip shrugged. Yeah, no wonder families rejected him, no one wants a teenager who comes with a worse life than they've ever expiefenced alone with them when he says he wants 'more gore.'

"Well, Phil, I hear there's some really good horror movies coming out soon and this place has a theater. Maybe your foster parents will take you." She smiled in the rear view mirror at him. She was pretty, Philip could easily give her that, she had on a plastic headband that kept all of her hair out of her face and her makeup was perfect. She had small brown eyes with long lashes. She could've been a model, but Philip wouldn't dare to say that, he didn't need to make this car ride even more awkward.

"I don't think teenagers go to horror movies with their parents." Philip mumbled, looking down at his hands. Only the sad ones, the ones with no one else to go with. He didn't even have friends at home and now, as odd as it sounds, he'll hopefully be shipped over here and deal with making friends. Yeah, it's a small town with tight knit groups but as every single officer, case worker, and social services worker have said, he needs to stay positive. Or at least try to. So here goes his first attempt. "But I could try and make some friends."

A smile spread across the womans face. "That's a good way to look at it Phil, you know I'm so proud of you for being strong during all of thi-"

"And because I know it's not my fault and hopefully they will have another hearing and allow my mother to take me back." Philip added.

"And, and, and, we don't know how long it will take but you're still being so happy about it." She took her hands off the wheel to clap. "Plus, I know this town, it's great." 

"You grew up here?" Philip asked, pulling his jacket tighter around his body. It was worn out and too big but it smelled like smoke. Like home. Like his mom. 

"Oh no." She laughed, waving Philips question off with one hand. "My girlfriend lives here, well, lived." She froze, her smile faltering. "Um.. sorry.. I shouldn't talk about my personal life to you." She mumbled.

"My old boyfriend used to come down here, he always asked me if I wanted to come, I never said yes." Well, Philip was only lying partly. Yeah, the guy was his boyfriend, but the guy never invited him to this place. But Philip knew she needed to hear it, he used to freeze like that when he'd tell people. She needed to know he wasn't judging and possibly that he wasn't going to tell her boss. Do people even do that?

"Why didn't you ever want to come?" She asked, a smile reappearing on her face. She was still gripping the handle tight, maybe she was nervous for Philip? No, no one ever cares that much, she probably just hopes he gets this house because if he doesn't they're taking him five hours away. Yeah, that's it.

"Because I didn't want to come to wherever this place is.." Philip thought for a few seconds.  "Tampa?"

"No, Tampa is in Florida, where we are is Tivoli." She stiffled a giggle. "And we are almost to your new home." 

Philip began to build his walls back up. He pressed his forehead to the window, taking a deep breath. "We don't know if they'll want me or not."

"Anyone would be blessed to have you as a foster son, you're so funny." She reached back, slapping his knee playfully with her hand. The metal bracelets clanged against each other causing Philip to wince.

Philip forced a smile. "Thanks, Sydney." He winced once more. That wasn't her name.

"It's Sarah, but boy if I had a nickel for every time someone called me Sydney-"

"You'd have a nickel." Philip chimed in, rolling his eyes. Bless her for trying, honestly, but once it boils down to it, it's her job to be nice, to make him feel wanted, and to reassure him that none of this is or ever will be his fault. Note the word trying.

She forced out a laugh for probably the fifth time during this god for saken car ride. "See? You're so funny."   
When Philip didn't reply Sydney, no, Sarah, tried to keep the conversation going. It was almost painful.

"I actually think I've been called Sydney like five times." She was more quiet than the other statements so she must've been talking  to herself. "So I'd have.. five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty five. I'd have twenty five cents, Phil!" She said loudly. A wide smile was prominent on her face as she turned down a other road. It was dirt and bumpy and suddenly Philip knew why all the cars had dirty windows, well, dirty everything.

The road was lined with trees, well, more like once side of the road had a house every hundred or two hundred, maybe three hundred feet and the other side had trees. The road wasn't like the kind you see in movies where the trees meet in the middle and make a tunnel, it was more like the trees stood straight up with tons is branches coming off of all sides. There were fields between houses and if you looked far enough back you could see the beginning of a forest. Philip had no idea what you could even do with all of the room. Run? No, that's for kids. He guessed if you had animals that would be fun and probably necessary. He had seen a few barns. 

"So is this like country?" Philip asked, sitting up straight, never taking his eyes off of the road. 

Sarah shrugged. "Maybe, I guess you could call it that. It's not like this place doesn't have any shopping places and the closest mall is like 35 minutes away.. so.. maybe, yeah, it could be considered country."

"Great." Philip whispered, crossing his arms.

"You don't like the country?" Sarah asked, turning onto onto a long driveway, slowly pulling in and stopping next to a cop car.

"No, it's too quiet." Philip mumbled, staring the cop car down. It was more like a jeep you could say, with a gold star and 'sheriff' printed on the side. "So one of thems a cop?"

"Philip, you know-"

"I just want to know. Is one of them a cop?"

"Yeah, the wife is the sheriff, but you know you can't be picky. I know you want to stay near your mom so please, just give them a chance. Okay?" She turned around, facing Philip, offering him a small smile. "They're good people, I promise." 

Philip looked at the house, taking a deep breath and nodding. "They know I'm.. me right?" 

"Yeah, Philip, they know what's going on." She undid her seat belt, letting go, letting it snap back into place.

"Everything?" He asked, chewing on his bottom lip nervously.

She sighed, looking back at him in the rear view mirror, nodding. "Yes, but that doesn't change-"

"It changes everything. I'll get pity and they won't really like me or they'll judge me." Philip ran his fingers through his hair, pressing the button on his seat belt, watching it snap back into place.

"You can't control what happened." She looked at him again, but this time it easy without a smile. "It isn't your fault and it sucks that you can't control what people think but I can promise you they won't pity you, they won't blame you, yes, they'll feel sorry for you but anyone with a heart will, just, please, Philip, I think they'll be good for you."

Philip looked at Sarah, then at the house, then back at Sarah. He grabbed onto the door handle, pulling on it and pushing the door open. "Yeah, okay." He stepped out of the car, slamming the door shut. "So is it just a husband and wife?" He asked, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

"Yes, Helen Torrance who is the sheriff and Gabe Caldwell who is a vet. They make a steady income so they're obviously not the type to foster for the money." Sarah rambled, climbing out of the car, grinning. She pulled out her purse and a manila envelope, walking up the yard in her heels. Philip couldn't believe her, well, he couldn't believe any woman could do that. Yards are so bumpy and here she is walking as if she wasn't wearing three inch torture devices.

"That's good, I guess." Philip shrugged, stepping up the front steps, crossing his arms.

Sarah followed him up, stepping up next to him, turning herself and Philip so that they were facing each other. "Hands at your sides. Crossed means your hiding something and in your pockets makes it seem like you're gonna pull out a knife and cut someone." She ran her fingers through Philips hair a few times before patting his cheek. "You ready?"

Philip dropped his hands to his sides, forcing a smile. "As ready as I'll ever be." He turned back to the door, reaching out and knocking softly. "They know we're coming, right?"

"Of course, it's an appointment, think of it like we're the company driving to them." She explained, turning to face the door when it opened. "Hi! You must be Helen, it's so nice to meet you!" 

The woman, Helen, stood frozen behind the screen door. "Uh, yes, it's very nice." She forced a smile and she almost seemed as uncomfortable as Philip. She pushed the screen door open, holding it there for Sarah and Philip to walk inside.

Sarah stepped inside first, her heels clicking loudly on the wooden floor. "Are we meeting in the kitchen?" She asked, already setting her bag and envelope on the kitchen table.

Helen, who still looked tense and uncomfortable, nodded slowly. "Yes, Gabe will be in in a second. He's taking care of the horses." 

Philip walked past Helen, glancing at her, smiling a little. The woman was intimidating, even when she wasn't fully comfortable. She had a hard face and eyes that could easily 'stare into your soul' or whatever the hell that line is. Philip wasn't sure if it was because she was a sheriff or what but all he knew is that he was scared and would probably listen to every rule she made for him.. if they want him. Philip lowered his head, walking into the kitchen, sitting down next to Sarah.

Sarah nudged him with her arm. "They have horses." She clapped. "How cool is that? Maybe you could learn how to ride one!" She pushed one of Philips curls back. "Had to fix it."

Philip brought his hand up and ran his fingers through his hair. "I doubt I'll be here long eno-" Philip was cut off by a man stepping through the door. 

The man was tall, maybe taller than Philip, with a kind smile. His hands were covered in dirt but the white button down he was wearing barely had anything on it. The man picked up a towel off of the kitchen counter, wiping his hands off. "Hi, you must be Sarah." He extended a hand out to her.

Sarah stood up, a bright smile on her face. "And you must be Gabe." She shook his hand. "Lovely home you have. Thank you so much for agreeing to meet us." 

Gabe waved her off. "It's no problem, I love being able to meet our foster son before we take him in."

Philip raised his eyebrows. "Wha-"

"You and your wife already decided?" Sarah asked, glancing back at Helen, who was standing in the doorway with her arms crossed.

She was hiding something.

"Yeah, we talked about it, Philip seemed like a lovely boy and I think he'll be happy here." Gabe turned to Philip, flashing a smile. "I know you don't normally let us meet the kid, especially in our own home but thank you so much for coming out. I hope the drive wasn't too much."

"Oh, no, it was perfect. I got to show Philip around a little bit, point stores out." Sarah nudged him, smiling. "He loves it here."

Philip forced a smile. These people wanted him here, he had to make a good impression. "Yeah, it's so nice.. lots of.. room."

"Oh, definitely, there's so much room and we own own a big chunk of property." Gabe nodded, reaching out for Helen. "Come here, honey, I'm sure they don't bite."

Sarah laughed and it was so forced. But she was trying to make it better, to make it comfortable. Again, note the word trying. 

Helen pulled herself away from the door frame and walked slowly towards Gabe. She was even more tense than before, almost like she only agreed to fostering to make her husband happy. She was closed off like Philip, not showing much emotion and when she did it was forced. She was quiet. Keep eye contact. Philip knew they would have problems.

"Hi, I'm Helen." Her smile looked painful. "I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself the first time." 

Sarah reached out for a handshake, her smile as bright as ever. She was beautiful when she smiled. There were only two reactions to knowing a girl like Sarah. Wanting to be her or hating her. "It's totally fine, Helen, you must be so distracted because you're so excited. You're getting a foster son!" Sarah pulled her hand back to clap.

Helen stared at her. Obviously, Helen was on the side that hated Sarah.

Philip remembered when he was on that side, when he hated her for being so cheerful and happy while her job was tearing families apart. He once asked her how she kept her wide smile during her job and she just laughed and said that it's because she was doing the best thing for most of the kids. Then Philip asked how she knew and Sarah just shook her head and replied with 'most of the time it works, most of the time it's good, just like every other job. There's no way of knowing for sure if everything is okay but we're trying our hardest.' 

That's when Philip Googled to find out what number 'most of the time' was. And that is also when he found out adolescents who have been in foster care are nearly four times more likely to to have attempted suicide than any other youth. Or at least that's what two guys said in 2006. Thanks, Google, for giving him even more anxiety.

"Philip?" Sarahs voice pulled Philip away from his thoughts. "Could you go wait outside? I need to talk to your new foster parents."

Philip nodded slowly, standing up, waving at the couple then walking out the way he came in. While he walked her heard Sarah apologize for him not being talkative and Gabe replying with how he understands and how Philip has been going through enough. Philip shut the front door a little too hard when he walked out. He wanted to be fostered by them, a little part of him was even happy that he'd still be decently close to the city, but he shouldn't be happy. He shouldn't be okay with this. His mom was his mom and his only real parent. The two people fostering him will never ever be his parents, no matter how hard they try.


	3. Chapter 3

The ride back from the house was almost worse than before. Instead of having to suffer through Sarah being perky, (Don't get him wrong, he adores Sarah, he's really lucky he got her, she's pulled a lot of strings, it's just really, really hard to stand people being happy go lucky around you when your entire life is falling apart brick by brick.) He had to sit through silence. Well, it wasn't silent, there was the bumpy roads and the wings causing some noise but other than that nothing. No fingers tapping on the wheel. No music. No voices.

"So what do we do now?" Philip asked, hating himself for breaking the silence. Now Sarah will know he was desperate, that he missed the noise.

Sarahs smiled appeared for the hundredth time. "Well, Philip, now we pack. You're going to their house tomorrow evening, if that is okay, you do have to pack-"

"I don't own a lot, it doesn't matter, I'll be ready." Guilt filled Philips mind, drowning any good thought he had somehow created in this shitty, unfair life. He shouldn't be happy. He shouldn't be nervous. He should be mad. He should be insisting that his mother is fit and it's not her fault and that the court is wrong. But he wasn't.

"Okay, well, then tomorrow we go. We take all your bags and other things to their house. You set your room up with them, sort of like a bonding experience, then every Wednesday for three weeks your social worker will come and talk to you. Check to see if you're happy."

"I thought you were my social worker." Philip muttered, his eyes glued to the street next to him. Buzzing filled the air as a motorcycle passed them. 

"Well, it's the easiest name for it. I'm here to help you and guide you. She just gets paid more for it." Sarah muttered, turning down the main road they came from.

"But my social worker-"

"Christina. Her name is Christina."

"Well, Christina told me I was lucky I wasn't raped." Philip stated, pulling his eyes away from the road to look at Sarah in the mirror. "And she kept asking me if I was sure my abuse happened, no, bitch-"

"Philip-"

"Fine, sorry, no gross human I made up all 10 years of my abuse. It was a dream." He rubbed his hands on his pants, digging his nails into his thighs. "She also told me over and over I should've known it was wrong and I should've told sooner." 

"Philip, it wasn't your fault any of it happened, you are strong for telling.. and I know Christina may not be the nicest but she's helping.. just from a distance, you know? She's talking to the lawyers."

"She hates my mom. She won't let her get custody back. She blamed my mom for dating a previously charged pedophile. Newsflash, you let pedophiles run churches all the time, why is my mom suddenly the bad guy?" Philip leaned back into his seat, closing his eyes. He wanted to beat the window. Beat it with his hands until it was dirty with his blood. He wanted to break the glass. Hell, he wanted to eat the broken glass. He was so done. He was alone. He was angry and he was scared and he was drowning. The anxiety he was dealing with was slowly crushing him and all people had to say was 'it gets better' and 'I'm sorry.' If Philip had to hear one more person tell him he's 'stronger' because of his abuse he'll scream.

Sexual abuse didn't make him a better person. He doesn't donate to charities or walk old people across the street and he isn't winning any awards for being world's strongest person. Sexual abuse fucked him up. He jumps every time someone touches him or raises their voice. He doesn't let anyone in, epically older men. He's constantly worried people are looking at him and will hurt him. He feels imprisoned in his own body, he feels dirty and used and broken. He feels naked, too, he has no place to be alone, no place where no one can touch him or talk to him about this

Sexual abuse did build Philip up, but in the wrong way. He was built believing what he was receiving was normal and love. That the dirty hands that slid across his body and chapped lips that kissed him were those of a savior. That the hushed and forced moments between them were special. That he was special. 

Then it tore him apart. At 12, during a video in health class showed him that he was being abused. That the man he trusted the most, the man that raised him, didn't love him. Philip was an object to him. He didn't love or care about Philip. It was all a show. Philip wasn't allowed to enjoy any memories because that was his abuser and you aren't supposed to love those.

"They were just worried. It always happens." Sarah shook her head. "You'll be back before you know it, I promise. Your mom didn't hurt you. She didn't touch you. She's clean she just didn't have the best judgement-"

"Don't do that. Don't sit there and act like this is her fault. You let pedophiles and rapists walk free from prison because of good behavior. How is my mom assuming a man changed any different than that?" 

Sarah took a deep breath and Philip thinks it's the first time he'd ever gotten under her skin. The first time he ever got her mad. "Look, I get you're mad, but don't sit here and act like I control all of this. What they did to your mom sucks and as much as I'd love to fix it I can't. So don't sit here and be pissed at me just because you got stuck with a shitty social worker."

Philip closed his mouth, keeping his eyes on his lap. The wind rushing past them was almost enough to fill the noise gap. The tension in the car was thick, both of them were mad but neither of them could do anything. Philip can't change his social worker and Sarah can't change Philips life. But she's trying. "I'm sorry."

"I really think therapy would help, Philip, you grew up with this stuff, this is the majority of your life right here." Sarah glanced back at him, no smile but soft eyes. "There's this thing called MOCSA. It's free, it could change your life.. for the good. Pedophiles are what keep it running. When they're charged they end up having to pay a certain amount each month."

Philip nodded. "Well, mine didn't get charged. All he got was a dumb restraining order."

"I'm sorry." Sarah whispered. "Your case is.. unusual in a sense. You waited three years after the last time he touched you skin on skin. He never raped you so there's no physical proof. He could just say he didn't do it and get a good lawyer, which he did."

Philip sighed, closing his eyes. "I'm going to sleep the ride back, can you please wake me up when we get close?" He slumped down in his chair, spreading his legs and crossing his arms, wrapping himself in his jacket. He could feel the car slow down and he couldn't help but smile. Sarah was too sweet, he didn't deserve it.

"Yes, of course, Philip, anything to help." She reached back, patting his knee. "Plus, you've got a big day tomorrow, you need all the rest you can get."

Philip nodded, closing his eyes, staying as still as he could. Music started to play softly in the background. Classical. That was the thing about Sarah, she was predictable. Her life was together. She had a nice house with her partner and she made a good income. She could wake up every day and shower and do normal things without feeling sluggish. She was the get up and go type. The type that made last minute desicions that always worked out and the type that got up early to work out. She made dinners instead of heating up a TV dinner in the microwave. When you picture a perfect life, Sarah would most likely be the cover girl, smiling brought with her perfect hair and flawless skin. 

Philip usually hated women like her, well, people like her in general. The ones who can do every day activities as natural as they should be. The ones who can shower and eat healthy daily. The ones who don't skip meals. The ones who don't have some dark cloud hovering over them at all times. The ones who don't randomly get flashbacks or get jealous of people who have it better. Because they have it best. Philip hated people who's lives were as easy as it gets. 

After court he also found himself despising women. He knew women have and still do have it hard. People harass them and are unfair to them but they got something Philip didn't get. Comfort. When women say they were raped or assaulted women band together with them and sometimes men join. They're outraged when the woman doesn't get the protection and justice she deserves. But what do boys get? What do boys who had the exact same trauma happen to them? Well, Philip didn't get any of that. He got a few people telling him he was lying, a social worker that didn't believe him one bit, and tons of people telling him he's a man and that he could've pushed him off or told sooner. Yes, women survivors still get told they're faking by gross old white men but men survivors don't get a platform or protests. They get a few pats on the back, an I'm sorry, and get told to move on.

The ride back to the boys home was short. Philip momentarily remembered a article he read saying that rides are shorter when you go back home than when you go away from home because there's less things to look at. But that article didn't fit the case. One, Philip had his eyes closed most of the ride, he was buried deep in his thoughts and only paid attention to the way the car turned on the many different roads. And two, this boys home wasn't his home, neither will his new foster families house, his only home was the small apartment with his mom. 

The boys home was far from feeling like home anyway. It was crowded full of boys who would kill people if they had a chance, full of boys who attempted to kill a person because they had a chance and boys like Philip. Well, Philip didn't like including himself into the foster category. Most of these boys came from abusive homes. Homes where they were hit or ones where they were neglected. Philips mom was neither. She just ended up liking the wrong guy and the wrong guy took a liking to Philip. (God, Philip was getting too casual about his abuse.) Sure, his abuser did fuck with him emotionally and would throw stuff at him but that wasn't as bad as the boys here that were beat with belts or had cigarettes put out on their skin. 

Philip wanted to comfort them, to be nice to them, but he couldn't. He couldn't just open up to anyone right now. He'd already told over 20 people about 10 years of sexual and emotional abuse he isn't about to let the flood gates open on anyone else anytime soon. Plus, they're moved around constantly either aging out, getting sent to juvie, or getting taken to another foster family.

One thing Philip had learned about foster families through the whispers between bunks was that some are just horrifying. Some have multiple kids and they just use them. Others do it for the money and make life a living hell for the kid. Some even end up being ad abusive or even more abusive homes. 

That's why Philip was banking on aging out. His 17th birthday had just recently passed on January 16th. He was already in the boys home then so it wasn't really celebrated other than by a few workers telling him happy birthday and him getting a slice of pizza and a small oven baked pie that was still half frozen with a candle stuck in the middle. He knew if he was home he would've gotten more, they didn't have a lot of money but at least his mom knew that he despised pie. He also felt terrible that he was taken away on his mother's birthday. 

It was December 29th when they came. The sun was setting though you couldn't quite see it from the apartment they lived in because of all the buildings around they could still tell by the sky darkening. His mother and him were sitting on their warn out couch full of holes and change watching TV on their ancient TV set, splitting a large lasagna that they cooked in the oven. It was some game show on channel nine that was about guessing what was behind a door and Philip remembered them always making the wrong choice and opening the wrong door. Then the people knocked. And he made the wrong choice and opened the wrong door. They made him pack in front of his mom, she even helped a few times but not once did she cry, well, she cried, but not in front of Philip. That's something he admired her for, something he couldn't do. He tried, but he failed, he could barely be strong enough for himself let alone the two of them.

But once his mother told him having children is selfless. There's no longer a my child and me. Just a my child. Maybe that's why Philip couldn't do it.

Philip walked through the doors to the boys home, keeping his eyes on the ground in front of him, his shoulders set. No one had messed with him since his first week when a boy picked a fight. It's not like Philip didn't get hit. (Oh, he got hit, had a black eye and everything.) But Philip fought back unexpectedly hard. Philip had grown up in the city, he didn't know what he expected. He was bullied freshman year and most of middle school. It toned down sophomore year and disappeared in junior year. It was great, he had friends and everything. But of course that had to be ruined along with everything else. 

Philip stepped into a room filled with 8 bunks and 5 boys. They were a group, the first boys Philip met when he came in, figures though, they are his room mates. Their voices quieted as Philip came in. He stripped his jacket off, stuffing it into his backpack before pulling out a pair of boxers and sweats.

"You aren't gonna get a shirt?" One of the boys, Anthony, asked. 

"You really should get one." Nick, the second in 'command' added.

"Yeah. Your body isn't the best. You kinda look like a twelve year old girl." The third one, Drew, commented.

Philip scoffed, rolling his eyes, not even turning around. "That the best you can come up with? Because I'm pretty sure people actually want twelve year old girls and not entitled assholes." He stood up, turning around, flashing a smile at them. 

Nathan, fourth, shook his head. "Wow, I am so offended. Whatever shall I do now that my ego is non existent."

"Maybe get a better hair cut, I don't normally go after looks but a bowl cut, Nathan, really?"

Nathan glared at Philip while the fifth male joined in.

Eric. "So, you really think going after looks is mature?"

"You literally insulted my body." Philip replied, crossing his arms. He knew it was stupid. After all they were just idiot teenagers just like him. Except Philip knew how to respect someone and leave them alone. But Philip couldn't help but feel self conscious. His looks were built up by one of the only men he loved and trusted and now it was taken away. Every compliment. Every sweet smile and flirty line. Anything that man did to build up the majority of Philips self esteem was gone, he didn't need any boys digging his self doubt any deeper. 

"Yeah, well, maybe we can go after something else." Anthony, or asshat, as Philip liked to call him, started.

"Oh, I got it." Eric smirked. "Aren't you supposed to preach love and respect? After all, you're a faggot, you get what it's like to have things you can't change made fun of."

"Yeah, hate breeds more hate!" Nathan yelled.

Philip rolled his eyes, turning around, staying silent. Yes, hate breeds hate, because it's so wrong to hate your oppressor. With that logic Philip should be begging for his mom's boyfriend to come back and touch him more.

Philips stomach turned, the footsteps exiting the room seeming louder than they were. Or maybe that was his heart beat. He did ask him to do it. He begged for it. He loved the attention he got from his mother's boyfriend for so long. The idea that he enjoyed it made his skin crawl. He shook away the nausea and walked towards the door. He just needed a break. 

Half way down the hall towards the kitchen and bathrooms Philip stopped and turned around. He walked back quickly, keeping an eye out for any of his roommates. Once inside Philip got on his knees and dug around in his backpack. He pulled out a shirt, pushing his backpack back under the bunk bed he and Nathan shared, and walked out of the room.

Philip loved showers, that's probably why whenever he had a flashback or had to deal with anything concerning his abuser, he would shower. He found himself turning away from the dining hall, ignoring the now cooling food and heading straight to the showers. He unlocked his locker in the lockeroom, stuffing his clothes in there. (He'd put them in there ever since one of the boys stole his clothes aka another time people decided the only thing they could make fun of was a traumatized persons body.) He pulled his shirt and pants off, stuffing them in the locker as well before walking to the towel rack and grabbing one.

When Philip stepped into the rows of showers he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, a sigh of relief more like. No one was showering which was beyond perfect. He stepped into the last shower that was located in the back right corner. He shut the curtain, pulling off his shoes and boxers, setting them outside, hanging his towel over one of the walls of the shower. He turned it on, keeping his head under the hard spray of warm water.

Philip loved showers for many reasons. One of them being is that anywhere he's been sent to stay there's been a shower, which means it's an escape. Another reason is that he can be alone, in the shower or just locked in the bathroom. The second best was that if he sat down on the floor of the shower it was almost like rain. Something his abuser, Todd, calling him an abuser is dehumanizing according to his shitty social worker who was probably never abused a day in her life, would play to help Philip fall asleep. It was one of Philips earliest memories and damn him for not being able to hate it. But the best part of all was the break that comes with showers.

When Philip showers he can't hear anything. Not the insults. Not the interviewers. Not the social workers. Not his mother crying. Nothing. He's free. He could also probably get the same result from a bath but Philip has hated being under water ever since he was 5 and his mother met Todd at at swim park. Philip had just jumped into the deep end when he wasn't supposed to and Todd saved him. If only Philip knew then that Todd would become his abuser for over 10 years, almost 12, actually. Maybe then Philip wouldn't have adored him.

His stomach turned once more at the thought of the man, no, the freak. The pedophile. He was anything but a man.

Philip shut the curtain and turned the hand on the shower, closing his eyes as the sound of rushing water surrounded him and his escape began.


	4. Chapter 4

Sleeping last night was nearly impossible for Philip. After his shower he skipped dinner and just buried himself under blankets. He wanted to say that it wasn't nerves, that it was a stomach ache from not eating, but he knew he would be lying to himself and the last thing he needed was a lie to worry about in a sea of truths. He was nervous and he hated to admit it but it wasn't a bad nerve. He was excited to have a bed he didn't have to share or think about all the other bodies that had slept on them. He could wake up to warm food that wasn't frozen. He could have a little bit of privacy. He felt selfish for it but all he needed was this foster home to not suck.

"You excited?" Sarah asked from the drivers seat. Philip was in the back again. He always chose to be in the back. It was nothing against Sarah but he just needed a bubble during all of this, especially since every time someone touches him he thinks of Todd.

Philip shrugged. "I guess, I just am gonna be happy to be able to unpack and be on a clean bed." 

"I'm glad you've found some sort of way to be positive during this." She tapped the steering wheel, something she always did, and it was never tapping to the beat of the song playing, it was always to something else. "You'll also get warm meals and a good school in a small town."

"Yeah, warm meals sound nice, school, not so much." Philip tiled his head to the side, chewing on his lower lip. 

Sarah frowned, it was dramatic, too. Everything on her was dramatic. Her eyes, her lips, her smile. She was just dramatic. Or maybe that wasn't the right word for it. Maybe she was noticeable. She was 'normal' but she couldn't ever go unnoticed. It was contradicting in a way, but it was in the best way. "Why aren't you excited for school?"

"Well, there's a plethora of reasons. I'm a teenager, teenagers are dicks, everyone hates the new kid, locker rooms, teachers." Philip crossed his arms. "I could go on for hours."

"But you could make friends." Sarah added cheerfully. "You're a great kid, it won't be hard."

"You obviously didn't hear me say everyone hates the new kid." Philip muttered. He'd never been the new kid before, but he was still hated. Middle school was hell, people constantly hit him and shoved him and insulted him. They told him to kill himself and called him a faggot and so so much more. Freshman year wasn't any better, Philip was still tiny then, he hadn't hit his growth spurt yet, barely standing at 5'4" and he got shoved into a locker. Yes, that stupid cliché moment you only see in movies happened to Philip. Sophomore year people just thought it'd be funny to all agree to ignore him, which was bad but wasn't necessarily good either. Literally no one would talk to him, not even the people that were what he considered a friend.  By junior year those people he considered friends, were friends. He had it good, he was invited places and did things nearly every night and when he got home he'd take care of his mom. It was perfect. 

But then Todd waltzed back into his life. Todd was Philips father figure since he could remember. But Anne broke it off with Todd a little before Philips 16th birthday. That July, Todd came back. He made his way into Annes heart and got her to forgive everything he did. Philip wasn't happy with it, but Todd hadn't touched him since he got back, so he didn't really care. But then in the end of October Todd tried to again and that's when Philip broke. He told his mom and she called the police. They took a report and had Philip sent to and hospital to get a rape kit. And they found nothing. People were still nice then, comforting him and being sweet.

The next step they had to take was try and get a two week restraining order against Todd so he can't come around Philip while everything is sorted out. The police said that it should be easy to get, but it took a few days. Then a few days turned into a week. Then a month later they still had no restraining order. Not to mention the fact that since Todd helped pay for everything it was his house, so until the judge grants him the restraining order, Todd can come in and do whatever he wants to Philip for telling. (Philip hates himself for telling so late, too, because he didn't know it was wrong until he was 12, he thought it was normal.)  

Not to mention the honeymoon phase of nice people went away after he went to the hospital. The nice people that believed him, the cops and the workers, made it seem like a good choice, until he met Christina. Christina was a DFS worker who came by the next day to interview Philip. She was rude to start, insulting her mother, blaming her, telling her she was dumb to even have stayed with Todd knowing he'd been charged before. Then her path changed to Philip, telling him he should be happy he wasn't raped, asking Philip if he was sure those things happened, acting shocked when Philip said he didn't know they were wrong, asking him why he didn't just tell sooner and so many more things. She made both of them cry and then left without a second thought.

By mid November, Philip had his filed interview. This is when the nice people came back. During that half a month Philip had dropped out, he wasn't eating or sleeping and he could barely get out of bed let alone do school. When his DFS worker found out about that she screamed at his mom again only causing her to cry. Philip was about to say something to her when he got pulled into a interview room. It was bright yellow with three cameras. There were two chairs with two pillows and a table and a trashcan. The door was bright yellow but so thick it made the room feel like a prison cell. The interviewer he had was named Ashley and she had curly blonde hair and a bright smile. She explained to him where every camera was and where the microphones were and how she had an ear piece that was connected to the police officer he told and to his DFS worker. The interview took an hour and by the time Philip was done he was ready to throw up.

When the DFS worker yelled at his mom and Philip got pulled away she was yelling about how it's illegal for Philip to be out of school since the president raised the drop out age drop 16 to 17. If Philip isn't placed back into school he'll get taken away and put into foster care. So his mom put him back into school and Philip went. He got horrible grades and didn't talk for the most part but he still had friends.. or at least he thought he did. He told his friends what happened the day it happened and ever since then they had been distant, Philip thought they were busy, turns out they were just disgusted by the freak that got molested for over 10 years and liked it for a while. Thinking about it still makes Philips stomach turn.

A month later, on December 16th, they went to court and didn't get any charges pressed and only got a restraining order. There was no physical evidence on Philip and all Todd had to really do was get a good lawyer and claim he never did it. Philip couldn't believe it, the people that were supposed to be helping him for over two months ended up doing nothing. Everyone he told could've just flipped him off and told him he was lying for all he cared, that's basically what they did anyway. And that's when Philip shut down. He told his mom he didn't want therapy and that he was just going to graduate. He stopped hanging out after school and just started coming home every night. That went on until DFS came and took Philip away, but you already know that story. 

The drive to his new foster parents house was shorter than ever, probably because he closed his eyes and focused on thinking about anything but his reality. Sarah pulled up to the house, patting the steering wheel.

"We're here." She smiled, pulling her keys out of the ignition. "Would you like some help carrying in?" 

Philip looked at the house, biting his lip. The house was big and really fancy, surrounded by grass and bushes. It was nice, nicer than any place Philip had ever stayed in before. "Yeah, but only because I'm gonna miss you." Philip would miss her, he wasn't lying, he only said it because he knows he hasn't been the most easiest and working with abused children daily can't be the easiest thing in the world.

Sarah smiled, a real genuine smile, blinking her eyes quickly. "I'm gonna miss you, it was so nice especially because you didn't mind my classical music." 

"Will I get you again? If I move or something." Philip asked, unbuckling his seat belt, letting it snap into place for what seemed like the millionth time. He put his hand on the door handle, waiting for Sarah to reply before pulling it and opening his door.

She shrugged. "It all depends on the timing, Philip, I don't know if they'll keep me with you or if they'll just give you whoever is available."

"Which do you hope they do?" He asked, dropping his hand from the door handle and into his lap once more.

"I hope they keep me with you, you're one of my favorites." She winked, patting the seat. "Now let's go, Helen and Gabe will be out any second." She opened her door and stepped out, slamming it shut and walking to the back.

Philip climbed out as well, shutting the door and pulling his jacket on. "I can get it!" He called, running behind the car, pulling open the trunk. He glanced at Sarah, giving her a small smile. "I can get it."

"At least let me carry something." She insisted, crossing her arms. "I can do it, Philip."

Philip sighed, pulling his jacket off, handing it to her. "There, now go, I can get it.. and I guess.. Gabe can too.." He trailed off.

"Oh my gosh! You're right! That's the perfect attitude." She gave Philip a thumbs up, walking up the lawn and onto the steps. "Gabe!" She yelled, waving at the front door.

Gabe stepped out, smiling, and opening his arms for a hug. Philip kept watching, shaking his head. The guy is too friendly, he probably gets taken advantage of. The only thing that pulled Philips eyes away from Gabe and Sarah was the roaring of a motocycle speeding down the road. 

He turned around, crossing his arms, watching the motorcycle speed by. It was the same guy from yesterday, Philip could tell because of the green on his bike. He shook his head, grabbing a backpack from the back end and carrying it up the lawn. "Fucking rich kid." He muttered under his breath before plastering on a fake smile and walking up the steps to Gabe.

Gabe turned away from Sarah. "Hey, Philip, we have a room down the hall, across from the steps for you. There's a mattress and a thing with four drawers and a closet. We also have a nightstand on each side of the bed. The bed is already made so you don't have to worry about that and anything else you need just tell is and we'll get it." Gabe smiled wider than before. "We have a Target."

Sarah elbowed him. "Oh, stop bragging, you're making me jealous!" She laughed. 

Philip looked back and forth between the two, silently wondering if they're the type of people that 'choose to be happy every day.' He wishes he knew what it was like for it to be that easy. To just wake up and be happy, to not have to force it or fake it. Hell, whenever Philip gets happy it's ruined so he's decided now he won't allow himself to feel any happiness, that way, it can't it missed up. 

"Do I just carry my bags into my room?" Philip asked, tightening his grip on the bag he was holding. He hated asking stupid questions but he didn't want to do the wrong thing his early. He couldn't risk getting abusive foster parents and he definitely couldn't risk getting taken away and moved even further away from his mom.

Gabe smiled. "Yes, of course, just put them anywhere, when Helen gets home and we have dinner we'll unpack after, okay?"

Philip was already pushing psst Gabe, gripping his bag so hard his knuckles turned white. The house was brighter than he remembered, they probably opened more windows to make it seem more inviting, maybe it's a psychological thing. Philip turned to his left, walking down the hall, stopping at the steps. They were big and pretty and almost seemed to not belong. They were a different kind of wood than the rest of the house and they were more kept up, too, not that you could tell, the entire house was kept up, the stairs just stood out. Philip walked into his room, setting the bag on the floor.

His room was big compared to his last one. A giant book case in the corner that Gabe forgot to mention. Not that Philip hated it, Philip loved reading, but he only owned maybe 20 books, considering he had to leave most of them at home or give them back to the library. The two nightstands Gabe mentioned were bigger than Philip thought and had a skinny lamp on each side. The closet was huge, and if Philips life weren't completely falling apart, maybe he would've cracked a joke about being gay. But he didn't, instead he walked towards the dresser and slid open each drawer. They were all empty, figures, but Philip needed to learn about these people and talking to them was definitely on the bottom of that to do list.

Walking back out, Philip still heard Sarah and Gabe talking, about what sounded like horses. It made Philip smile a little, he loved horses when he was little. He was the type of kid to scream 'horsie' every time they drove past a field, but what kind of kid doesn't yell that? Philip only has one memory about horses anyway. (The real ones that is.) It was when his mom and him went to a farm and Philip got to ride one. Well, use the loosest since of the word and that's what Philip did. But he loved it, still does. It's one of the few memories Todd didn't touch. 

Philip walked down the large front steps that went all the way up their lawn and back down to the gravel driveway. He walked around the car, grabbing a backpack, slipping it on, and then picking up two duffle bags. The weight made his bones and muscles ache but it was the better option. Philip hated having his back turned towards people, that way they can hurt him, so he rather deal with pain then worry constantly about if anyone is around, watching him, planning on hurting him.

Gabe came out the front door, jogging down the steps, smiling and clapping his hands together. "What do we have left?"

"Um.. a box of books and two suitcases." Philip replied, calmly, still walking up the front steps. (If they were made to be helpful they aren't doing their job because he has to stare at his feet to avoid tripping over the next step.) 

Gabe just nodded and jogged across the yard, going to the car and picking up the box of books. Sarah, on the other hand, was waiting by the door with Philips jacket still in her arms. When Philip got close enough she walked out and opened the door, holding it for him and Gabe. 

"You like to read?" Gabe asked, following Philip down the hall.

Philip nodded. "Yeah." It was his only escape for the longest time. When he was reading he didn't have to think about Todd yelling and throwing things at him, he didn't have to think about Todd insulting him or Todd touching him. He didn't have to think about the assholes in the boys home or all of his bullies shoving him, hitting him, breaking his stuff, and insulting him. For a few hours every day Philip could just hide and read and forget.

"I love to read, Helen isn't into it that much, she's more hands on and moving than sitting and reading." Gabe explained, setting the box down in front of the bookshelf. "If there's ever a book you want just ask me, okay, buddy?" He patted Philips back. "I'm gonna go get the rest of your things and say goodbye to Sarah."

Philip nodded, turning to say something but ultimately changing his mind. He'll see Sarah again, he knows that. He got into his knees, ripping open the box, picking up three books at a time, setting them in the book shelf.

Of Mice and Men.  
Milk and Honey.  
Thirteen Reasons Why.  
The Program.   
Carry On.   
The Outsiders.  
It's Kind of a Funny Story.   
H20.   
The Maze Runner.   
The Fifth Wave.   
The Cellar.   
This Book is Gay.   
I Wrote This for You Just the Words.   
If He Had Been With Me.  
Two Boys Kissing.   
Killer Instinct.   
Go Ask Alice.  
That Was Then, This Is Now.  
Hush, Hush.  
Peter Pan.   
The Escape. 

Once he was done, he stood up and walked to the door, just in time to see Sarah drive away and watch Gabe walk back up the lawn with his two suit cases. Philip bit his lip, taking a deep breath. He wasn't upset, no, he couldn't let himself be. He can't let himself miss someone because missing someone makes him weak and he can't be weak, not right now. He forced out a fake smile when he heard the plastic wheels of his suit cases hit the wooden floor. He walked out, taking them from Gabe. 

"Thank you for bringing them inside." Philip mumbled, walking back into his room, snapping the handlebars down.

"It's no problem, I'm going to start cooking, feel free to look around. Explore." Gabe made some sort of hand gesture that Philip didn't really understand and walked away.

Philip walked out, looking around. "Where did she put my jacket?" He called.

"I think she hung it on the coat rack by the door!" Gabe replied, almost too quiet compared to the loud banging of the pots and pans he was getting out. "I think she put something in it!" 

Philip walked down the hall, stuffing his hand in the pockets, pulling out a small phone. He bit his lip, feeling around for anything else, pulling out a piece of notebook paper. He unfolded it, his eyes scanning over the words.

'Phil, or should I say Philip? I know you hate being called Phil. I'm gonna miss you and I know I shouldn't say this because you hear it constantly but I am proud of you. This case has gone to hell in so many different ways but here you are, trying to keep going no matter how hard it gets. You're strong Philip Shea, and I believe in you.' 

Under her writing was a small smiley face. Philip blinked away the tears away patted his eyes with the collar of his shirt. He walked down the hall, peeking out at Gabe.

"Did you get me this?" He asked, walking into the kitchen, sitting down at the kitchen table.

Gabe turned around, chuckling when he saw  the phone. "Yeah, well, Helen and I did, but she has something else she rather give you."

"You didn't have to get me this." Philip turned the phone on, biting his lip. "I could get a job and pay you back."

"Don't worry about it, families do that kind of thing." Gabe poured soup into the pot, stirring it with a wooden spoon. 

"So.. we're family now?" Philip couldn't help but feel a little excited. He seemed nice and his mom would want him with nice people. Right, his mom. He shouldn't feel anything but bad about this.

"Of course we are." Gabe smiled again and it was the first smile Philip payed attention to. He got crinkles around his eyes when he did it, which meant he must smile a lot. 

Philip smiled a little, it was real and it was nice and it felt really good to just let go. To let himself smile. His mom would want him happy.. so he's going to be happy for her.


	5. Chapter 5

When Helen got home Philip decided Gabe was his favorite. If he was scared of Helen yesterday he was probably scared twice as bad by now. The women wasn't big, she was actually quite small compared to Philip, but her eyes were terrifying. Except for when she looked at Gabe. Her eyes softened when they landed on him but when they landed on Philip, oh boy, when they landed on Philip they were like two sharp knives being pressed against your throat. One wrong move and you're dead.

"Hey, honey." Gabe walked across the floor, wrapping his arms around Helen and pecking her lips. "How was work?"

Helen shrugged, glancing at Philip. "Work was work. Speeding tickets. Petty theft. The usual." She pulled away from him, biting her cheek. "So, I see Philip came."

"Helen, he isn't a box of stuff you ordered from Amazon. He's our foster son. And we have all of his things." Gabe rubbed Helens lower back, patting it. "I thought we could help him unpack and have a little family bonding, you know?" 

"I don't know how to talk to the kid." Helen whispered, turning her back completely to Philip.

"Well, my first word of advice for you is to stop talking about him like he isn't in the room." He leaned down, kissing her forehead before turning around and getting back to cooking.

Philip swallowed, looking down at his hands. He wasn't used to this. Not used to the warm meals or having to sit at a table and talk to each other. Hell, he wasn't used to people coming home after work. His mom worked from home, in probably the loosest sense of the word. She made things and she sold things, sort of like a antiquing, he guessed. She didn't make a lot of money but Todd supported them very good. He worked with this car dealership but Philip was never really sure what the man really did, all he knew is that he got to stay in the same apartment and got to eat dinner as long as Todd was there. 

Helen turned around slowly and almost awkwardly, sticking her hands in her pockets. "Philip."

"Miss.." Philip trailed off, suddenly realizing he forgot her last name. He bit his lip, keeping his eyes on his lap.

"Helen, you can call me Helen." She replied, pulling out the chair across from Philip, sitting down. "What are you making for dinner, Gabe?" Helen called, turning around.

"Tomato soup with grilled cheese." Gabe replied, lifting the spoon up so Helen could see the soup.

Helen nodded, turning back to Philip. "Um.. I got you something.. it's.. out in my car." She dug around in her pocket for a second, pulling the set of keys from her pocket. She tossed Philip the keys, wincing when Philip didn't catch them and they hit the floor. "They're in the back seat, I trust that you won't hijack my car." She muttered. 

Philip nodded, picking the keys up and standing up. He put the keys in his pocket, walking towards the front door. He was almost out of the house when he heard Gabe start to talk to Helen again.

"Helen, he's not a bad kid." Gabe said, calmly.

"You don't know that. You heard where he came from, a druggie and pedophile house."

"Then why did you give him your keys if you don't trust him?"

"I thought it would be something you'd want me to do!" Helen stood up from her seat, Philip could hear the chair scratching against the floor.

"I'd only want you to give him the keys if you weren't going to insult him, Helen, this kid is alone, he doesn't need this." Gabe snapped, slamming the spoon on the table.

"Fine! I won't do anything else! You know why?!" Helen snapped back, slamming her hands on the table.

"Please, enlighten me." Gabe replied.

"Because I don't trust him one bit. I have a tracker on his phone and everything."

"Helen.." 

"I can't trust that kid so soon, Gabe, end of conversation. I'm going to change." Helen marched out of the kitchen, slamming her bedroom door behind her.

Philip took a deep breath, stepping outside, being careful not to make any noise so they didn't know he was listening. He's barely been there a day and he's already ruining things. Philip ran his fingers through his hair, pulling out the car keys Helen had tossed him. There were six keys, three gold and three silver, it gave Philip some sort of peace of mind. He always loved even numbers, even as a kid. Even numbers meant people weren't alone, no one was left out. 

He was almost to the car when he heard that damn motocycle approaching. He figured it was just the kid going out on some late night ride, after all it was 7:18 pm and the sun had already set an hour ago. But the bike didn't go past. The bike slowed down, turning onto Helen and Gabes driveway, slowing to a stop. The driver kicked the kick stand out and pulled their helmet off. 

From what Philip could see, it was a boy, he was the same height, maybe taller than Philip, with blonde hair and dark brown roots. The boy hung his helmet on the handlebar of his bike, staring at Philip.

"Are you trying to break into that car?" He asked, climbing off of the bike and standing up straight. Definitely taller than Philip. The boy walked towards Philip and he stepped into one of the streams of light coming from the house and curse Philip because he was so useless when he saw a cute boy, he could barely even breathe. 

"Uh.. no." Philip held the keys up, smiling a little. "I got keys."

"So you stole the keys?" He crossed his arms, looking down at Philip and god, Philip swore his heart exploded.  

"Yeah, I mean, no, I have the keys, Helen gave them to me, you know, she's the sheriff."

"Yeah, I know she's the sheriff, it says it on her car." The boy replied, a few strands of hair falling in front of his eyes. "Who are you?" 

"I'm.. Philip, Helen and Gabes foster son." Philip rubbed the back of his neck, wincing when one of the keys scratched him. Right, he was holding those.

The boy nodded once to himself, turning away from Philip and walking away, up towards the house. Philip stood there watching for a second before following him.

"Shouldn't I be asking you stuff?" Philip asked, stepping in front of the boy.

The boy stared down at him, his blue eyes only showing up now that they were closer to the house. Blue was one of Philips favorite colors and the blue in this boys eyes reminded him of the blue in a river. "Like?"

"Who are you?"

"Lukas."

"From?"

"Down the street."

"And why are you here, Lukas?"

"Because one of our horses is acting funny and my dad sent me down here."

"At 7 at night?"

"Dude, do you really think I'd be stealing something if I talked to you first?"

Philip opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by Gabe coming outside.

"Lukas, I didn't know you were coming by." He smiled, wiping his hands off on a wet rag. "Do you need something?"

"Uh, yeah, Lucy, our horse, she's still acting weird and my dad was wondering if you could come by and check on her tomorrow." The boy, no, Lukas asked.

"Yeah, of course." Gabe smiled. "I'll come by around noon."

Lukas pulled a key out of his pocket, handing it to Gabe. "For the stables since my dad won't be home." 

"And where will you be?" Gabe teased, raising an eyebrow. 

"Oh, I'm going out with Rose and some friends." He laughed, waving Gabe off. The laugh was fake, almost painful to even watch, Philip prayed Gabe knew Lukas was forcing it, too.

Gabe nodded. "Yeah, well, drive safe." 

Lukas nodded, backing up, turning around and walking past Philip. He pressed his his shoulder against Philip as he walked by, jogging down the rest of the yard. Gabe went back inside, saying something along the lines of 'dinner will be ready soon, hurry up' but Philip didn't care. He was too busy watching the boy. He jogged down after Lukas, stepping up next to his bike.

"You have a cool bike." Philip smiled, reaching out and touching one of the handles. "It's louder than you'd expect."

Lukas shrugged, pulling on his helmet. He put his hands on the handle bars, one of his hands laying over Philips. Philip pulled his hand away, biting his lip.

"You into motocross?" Lukas asked, looking up at Philip and god damn it those blue eyes were gorgeous. Philip was sure that if Lukas asked if he was into watching paint dry he'd say yes.

"Yeah, of course.. the bikes.. they're all.. cool." Philip muttered, biting his lip, looking Lukas up and down. "Definitely into motocross. Yep." 

Lukas pulled his helmet off, setting it on his lap, smiling a little bit. "Not to brag but I'm kind of a big deal." 

"Oh yeah?" Philip smirked. "Prove it."

Lukas laughed a little. "Fine, tomorrow, I come pick you up and I'll prove it."

Philip licked his lips, looking down at his feet. "What about your friends?"

"It'll be before then." Lukas looked Philip up and down before biting his lip. "Deal."

Philip nodded. "Yeah, it's a deal. Pick me up at 10?" 

Lukas nodded, pulling his helmet back on, starting his bike, revving it. He gestured for Philip to back up and Philip did so, leaning against Helens car won't his arms crossed. Lukas sped down the driveway and onto the road, driving off. Philip leaned his head back against the car, letting out a small laugh before pulling his phone out and typing into Google 'what is motocross?' The definition was pretty simple, too. All it was was racing, really. Philip shut his phone off, stuffing it into his pocket. How much hotter could that boy get?

"Philip!" Someone, probably Helen, called his name. "You still out there?!"

"Yeah! I'm trying to figure out which key it is!" Philip replied, pulling the keys out of his pocket, grabbing a random one, slipping it into the keyhole, smiling when it clicked. "I found it!"

"Good! The box is in the back! Be careful not to bump anything!" Helen yelled, shutting the front door.

Philip pulled open the drivers side door, pressing on the unlock button so all the other doors unlocked. He pulled away, opening the back door, pulling out a box, opening it up and making and face. Boots? Why boots? God, did they tell them Philip was poor, too? Philip shut the back door and the drivers side door, freezing.

"Fuck." He muttered, turning around and tugging open the door. Thankfully, he didn't lock the keys in the car. He picked them up, dropping them in his pocket and kicking the door shut. He walked up the lawn, biting his cheek. He should pretend to be happy, to he excited, they didn't have to buy him boots so this has to mean something, maybe they're trying to bond or something. He shrugged, walking up the front steps, opening the front door and walking inside. He set the box down, shutting the front door and locking it.

Helen peeked out from the kitchen. "Leave the box there and come eat dinner. We set the table and everything." She walked away only to come back and hold her hand out. "Keys."

Philip turned, pulling the keys out and tossing Helen her keys. "Thanks for the boots." He faked a smile and he knew Helen could see right through it.

"Yeah, it was no problem." She replied and with that she walked off.

Dinner was quiet minus the clanking of spoons against the bowls. A sound Philip always hated. It made his head pound and it made his skin crawl. He even hated touching metal spoons and forks, it made him feel disgusting. He didn't like touching metal in general but he can't just ask to use plastic utensils the first night and seem like a freak. So he suffered in silence. Helen and Gabe talked mostly, about work, money, shopping, and the shows they watch. Their favorite shows are The Walking Dead and Bates Motel. Gabe tried to include Philip in conversations, bless him, but after a few words the conversation would die down and Helen would mention something else, something more serious and important, and Philip was okay with it, he'd never been important in anyone's life.

Gabe set his spoon down on the table, smiling. "How about I clean up while Helen helps you start to unpack? I'll be in once I'm done."

Philip wanted to groan but he didn't. Gabe was trying and he really appreciated it, it meant something, but Helen was terrifying. And she wasn't enjoying being forced together any more than Philip was. "Sounds good."

Helen took a long drink from her soda and nodded. "Okay.. guess we're doing this." She stood up, rubbing her hands on her pants, walking towards Philips bedroom. "Come on, Philip." She walked out of the kitchen and town the hall, into Philips bedroom. 

Philip followed silently, stepping inside. "I don't have any hangers for my clothes but I think I can fit all oft them in the dresser." He muttered, unzipping one of his suit cases, pulling out a few shirts. 

Helen nodded. "Well, if you need them we can buy them, they aren't a big deal." She shrugged, opening up a bag, groaning and closing it.

"Yeah, those are my boxers." Philip replied with a small smile. "If you want to stop helping you can just stand near the closet and 'supervise' if you'd like."

Helen shook her head. "No.. I'm just.. not used to men who aren't Gabe. Do you count as a man?"

Philip shrugged, putting his shirts away, shutting the drawer. "I don't think I do."

Helen nodded in agreement, moving to his backpack, unzipping it and pulling out his laptop. She laid it on the bed, pulling out the cord and plugging it in. She opened his bag up again, pulling out a few notebooks. "Do you need school supplies?" 

"Yeah. They took me over break and I was just at interviews and other stuff for the most part so I never went back in." Philip explained, moving to another bag.

"Well, you're signed up here so uoure starting Monday. It's Friday now so I guess we'll just take you tomorrow or Sunday so you can get what you need." Helen mumbled, straightening up when Gabe walked in.

"How's it going?" Gabe asked, leaning against the door  frame of Philips room.

"Fine." Helen replied, setting Philips bag down. "He doesn't have a lot of stuff, we're halfway done." She leaned up, kissing him. It made Philip wonder if he'd ever find someone like that, someone that'll kiss him soft and sweet just for the sake of kissing him soft and sweet. 

"Well, that's good news, considering I have three bowls of ice cream waiting on the table in the living room." Gabe wrapped his arms around Helens waist, kissing her again.

Philip nodded. "Yeah.. you guys can go, I'll be there in a second." He smiled, waving them off. "It's only a few more things."

Gabe and Helen both nodded in response, never taking their eyes off of each other. They walked out, mumbling and laughing amongst themselves, shutting Philips door on the way out.

Philip took a deep breath, trying to ignore the pain in his chest. He was alone, that's what it comes down to. He doesn't have a partner like Gabe has Helen, where they're there no matter the fight or argument. He has boys he'll kiss at clubs or in staircases or wherever he can because that's what Philip does. He wants to be attached, he wants to be held and loved, but he won't allow himself. He won't let himself get close or to open up.

Then again, who would want to be with someone who has the risk of panicking every time they do something other than kiss. You see, Todd ruined Philip, in every sense of the word. Now Philip didn't let people in nor does he trust men. He jumps at every loud noise and every time he looks in the mirror he sees the disgusting hands on his body. He loses sleep and he doesn't eat. He's learned that he's only worth how happy he makes a man and that the only value of himself is his body. No one cares about his thoughts, about what he likes or what he hates, no one cares about his favorite movies or what he's allergic to. 

When Philip kisses boys, they kiss him because they can. They kiss him because he's a pair of soft lips on a pretty body. They don't kiss him because they want to wake up next to him or to hear about everything he has to say good or bad. And Philip knows that, he's learned that. He'd only gone to clubs a few times, only kissed maybe nine or ten boys there, too, and he learned the hard way that if you ask anything but shallow, useless questions, the boy will walk away. 

Now, Philip knows he's not ugly, he knows he's most gay boys wet dream, actually, but that's where it starts and that's where it ends. He's just a pretty face and a nice body that boys want to touch and kiss. But aren't empty touches and kisses better than remembering he's alone? At least when boys are kissing and touching him, at least when Todd was kissing and touching him, there was a level of want, and any kind of want is better than being alone.

Philip shook his head, clearing his thoughts. He was fine. This was fine. Soon he'll be back to kissing boys and going home to his mom. He was going to be okay. Eventually.


	6. Chapter 6

Waking up that morning was scary for Philip, despite being moved around for a little over a month, constantly sleeping in different places, it still startled him. He was in the same little apartment his whole life with the same bedroom with the same chipped paint and bumpy ceiling. It was hard getting out of bed, but then again, it never wasn't hard for Philip to get out of bed. It was hard because he had no idea how the day will be, if his life will get better or worse. But he also hated waking up, so that must have some affect on struggling to get out of bed. When he's asleep the outside world can't touch him, he doesn't have to waste energy worrying or being scared, he's just momentarily gone for a few hours. He just wishes he could be gone for a little longer than eight hours.

Going downstairs was another scary thing all in itself. Philip wasn't used to people being awake, he could normally walk out, but not anymore. Now there are people that supposedly care about him and "want" to know where he's going. It made him feel weird. He already checked to see if he could go out the window but Gabe and Helen, probably Helen, were smart enough to make the window impossible to open.

So now Philip paced around in his room trying to figure out what's worse. Prying open a shut window and risking getting caught and yelled at or walking into the kitchen and dealing with questions. After one more attempt at the window his choices defaulted into just sucking it up and going out to Helen and Gabe. Philip pulled on his jacket, zipping it up, stuffing his phone and wallet into the pockets. He opened up one of his bags, pulling out a small pencil bag that you would assume was for school but it wasn't. Inside that pencil bag was most of the money Philip had. He learned early on that he needed to be ready, so he started saving up, he had a little over five hundred dollars that he kept for emergency, like if his mom or him needed anything. He quickly counted the money and put it back in his bag, zipping it up and kicking it under his bed. 

He glanced in the mirror on top of his dresser, running his fingers through his hair, smiling. He'd taken a shower earlier, before anyone else had woken up. It was a habit he learned after the abuse. He always slept with a shirt and pants on, at least a shirt and boxers, just so they wouldn't be able to touch anything straight abuse way. He always made sure to shut doors and sometimes even block them. He always slept with the covers on, no matter how hot it was or how much he was sweating. He wasn't going to allow himself to make it easy to get hurt again, including getting hurt by Todd.

Philip walked out of his room, shutting the door, walking down the hall and towards the front door. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, wincing when the hood of his jacket was grabbed and someone tugged it, pulling him back.

"And where do you think you're going?" 

Ah, yes, Helen the cop would be the one to ask the questions. Philip stood up, pulling his hood out of her grip and turning around, flashing a smile. "I'm going...out."

"With?" 

Why was she asking? Are they supposed to care? If they were Philip didn't know that, he wasn't used to people wanting to know. "Lukas." 

"You know him?" Helen raised an eyebrow, putting her hands on her hips.

"I met him last night." Philip replied, glancing over his shoulder nervously at the door.  Lukas was going to be here soon.

"You met him last night and you're gonna go out with him the very next day, without knowing anything about him?" Helen crossed her arms, popping her hip out, her cold stare somehow getting colder.

Philip bit his lip, hard, peeking into the kitchen, looking at Gabe. "I.. don't know how to answer this question." He muttered, silently trying to send Gabe a telepathic message to help.

Thankfully, it somehow worked. Gabe turned around, walking towards Helen and Philip, putting an arm around Helens waist. "So you're going out with Lukas?"

Philip nodded. "Yeah, I met him last night and we just kind of... made plans." 

"Do you know where you're going?" Gabe asked, running his hand up and down Philips arm, seemingly comforting her. Philip swears he saw her push into her husbands touch. 

Philip wondered for a few seconds if he'd ever get someone like that, someone that would wrap their arms around him and hold him, someone that would comfort him before replying. "No but.. I can text you if you want."

Gabe opened his mouth to speak but Helen cut him off. "Good, text us as soon as you get to where you're going, I already put our numbers in your phone."

Philip nodded. "Yeah, I'll text you as soon as I get there." He glanced behind him again, tapping his foot and running his fingers through his hair. "Uh-"

"You can go, Philip." Gabe smiled, waving goodbye. "Be safe, if you start to feel like you're in danger, call us." 

"And call us if Lukas speeds."

"Helen." Gabe muttered.

Philip was already almost to the door, he waved them off, opening it and walking out. He jogged down the front steps, walking down the yard and standing at the end of the driveway.

It didn't take long for the engine of Lukas' bike to be the only sound in the neighborhood. It was still so loud and Philip didn't think he could ever get used to it. Lukas pulled into the driveway, slowing down. He had one helmet on and the other was hanging off of his arm. He set both his feet on the ground, shutting his bike off, pulling his helmet off.

Philip walked towards him slowly, biting his lip. "I was starting to think you wouldn't show up." He hummed, resting his elbow on the handle bar of the motorcycle.

"Really?" Lukas raised an eyebrow, running his fingers through his hair. 

Philip nodded, his eyes studying Lukas' face. The boy was perfect with ocean eyes and a sharp jaw, Philip was sure Lukas was made up, he couldn't possibly be real. "Yeah, I thought you would've chickened out and not shown up."

"Isn't that a bit childish?" Lukas asked, pressing his lips together and resting his arms on the handlebars. "Trying to get me all fired up by calling me a chicken?"

"No, what's childish is the fact that you felt the need to prove to me that you're a good.. motorcrosser?"

"Just say rider." Lukas laughed, pulling the helmet off of his arm, tossing it to Philip. "Get on." 

Philip pulled on the helmet, despite it being ugly on him, climbing onto the back of the motorcycle while Lukas revved the engine. He wrapped his arms around Lukas' waist, loosely. Lukas started to drive off, but while he began speeding up, Philip fell off, landing flat on his back.

Philip groaned, rolling over, suddenly realizing that helmets were necessary no matter how stupid they looked. "Fuck."

The motorcycle shut off, the only sound left to be heard was Lukas' laughter. "Dude, oh my god." Lukas laughed, crossing his arms on his handlebars, resting his head on them.

Philip huffed, kicking Lukas' ankle. "My pain isn't funny, asshole." 

Lukas nodded. "It's funny, dude."

Philip only glared at him, wasn't sure if Lukas could even see it, but he kept doing it. He stood up, dusting himself off and climbing onto the back of the bike again, wrapping his arms around his torso, squeezing as hard as his could. Lukas' laughter subsided and Philip might be imagining things but he swore Lukas pushed back into his touch. Lukas patted his hands a couple times before gabbing the handle bars again.

"Keep them like that, okay? I can't have you falling off the back when we're going more than five miles per hour."

"We were only going five miles per hour?" Philip asked, squeezing Lukas even harder.

Lukas chuckled and Philip could feel it, he also felt butterflies in his stomach, but Lukas' laughter felt better by far. "God, you can tell you're a city kid."

"Shut up, country boy, you're wearing plaid."

"So."

"It means.. you're country."

"Thanks for enlightening me, I had no idea." Lukas grumbled, turning his motorcycle back on, revving the engine and driving off. He drove slowly for about the first mile despite there being no traffic, Philip wanted to think it was for him, but he knew it wasn't. Lukas hadn't even known him for more than 12 hours, he doubted Lukas would give a fuck if he fell. And if he did fall, Lukas would only be worried about Helen coming and killing him.

During the ride Lukas laughed a lot and that was all for Philip. He would take sharp turns only to have Philip tighten his grip around his body and then he'd just laugh like it was the funniest thing he'd ever done. The time Lukas laughed the most was when he swerved only to scare Philip. He turned the handle bars back and forth making the motorcycle sway in all different directions. Philip, like any logical person would, screamed like all hell and in reply Lukas just laughed. 

They didn't drive for long, not that Philip was paying attention, he was more focused on not letting go and dying, but the ride was bumpy. Philip hadn't really looked around.. or opened his eyes, really, but when he did look around he saw green. They were in the woods, that would explain why it was such a bumpy ride. Lukas sped past the trees and through the grass, everything blurring together. Looking at it made him feel dizzy or maybe that was because he was holding on tight to a beautiful boy. Maybe it was both.

When they stopped, Philip didn't really let go. He waited until Lukas had shut the bike off, kicked the kick stand out and pulled his helmet off to loosen his grip.

"You were so scared." Lukas laughed, nudging Philip with his elbow. And normally Philip would hate this, hate that someone was laughing at him but this was different. This laughter made Philip feel warm inside, as if he was laughing himself.

Philip tugged his helmet off, tossing it on the ground. "Shut up, dick." He laughed, standing up, stumbling a little when he got off of the bike.

Lukas bit his lip, looking Philip up and down. "So you've really never ridden on and motorcycle?"

"I've barely been in a car, I walked or rode my bike everywhere, sometimes I'd take the bus." Philip shrugged, looking down at the grass. Grass wasn't at thing they had much of in the city and when there was some it was very little or just peeking through the cracks of a sidewalk. 

Lukas made a face. "Like.. a bicycle?"

Philip nodded. "Duh."

"But that's.. so much work." Lukas mumbled, never taking his eyes off of Philip. "And you can't even go that fast."

Philip smirked, looking up at Lukas through the curls that fell in front of his eyes. He kicked Lukas' leg, not too hard, but not gentle either. "Yeah, but it makes you stronger." 

Lukas laughed, grabbing Philips ankle and pushing him back a little. "Sure it does."

Philip stumbled back a few feet, laughing softly. "Just get to showing off your moves."

"My moves?" Lukas raised his eyebrows, starting up his bike again. "Okay."

"They can't be that good if you refer to them as moves!" Photo yelled over the engine.

Lukas pulled on his helmet, flipping Philip off before speeding down the hill. He sped over hills, catching air, and he circled around, doing multiple other tricks. Philip bit his lip the entire time, trying hard not to show an amused face. Lukas couldn't know that he was impressed, it'd put an end to whatever the hell these boys started, and Philip doesn't know a lot, but he does know that he wants to see Lukas again. He already missed the space of the boy between his arms. He was definitely fucked.

The tricks ended too soon, Lukas driving up to Philip slowly, pulling his helmet off and smirking."Impressed?" He asked, between pants.

Philip crossed his arms, walking towards Lukas. "Hardly." He tilted his head to the side. "Anyone can ride a bike over a few hills."

"So we're going there now?" Lukas questioned, revving his bike. "Because I think you wouldn't be able to drive this baby over more than ten miles per hour."

"Of course I could, anyone could do it. It's not rocket science. It's just balance and hand movement. That's all." 

"Prove it."

Philip froze. "What?"

"You heard me. I said prove it." Lukas grinned, shoving a helmet into Philips chest. "Since it's so easy, I wanna see you do it." 

Philip took a deep breath. "Fine, get off the damn bike." He pushed at Lukas' arm until he stood up. Once Lukas was off, Philip climbed on, pulling his helmet on. "Okay, now what does what?"

"You mean you don't know?" Lukas teased.

"Oh, just shut up and tell me."

"Fine, right side is brake and throttle, left is clutch. If you fall you won't die." Lukas patted Philips back. "Good luck."

"So I just.. go?"

Lukas nodded, backing up a few more steps. He crossed his arms, watching Philip with a small smirk. "Don't crash."

"I'll try my best." Philip revved the engine, starting to drive, speeding up quickly. He swerved, grabbing onto the brake as hard as he could, squeezing, nearly flinging himself off the bike. He stumbled off the bike, the bike slamming on the ground, Philip following. The forest was filled with Lukas' laughter. "Fuck you!"

Lukas shook his head, crossing his arms over his stomach, bending over, laughing. "You were so bad!"

"I already hate you!"

"That's a lot of anger for such a little guy."

"I'll run you over with your motocycle, Lukas." Philip warned.

"Only because you suck at riding it." Lukas replied, walling towards Philip. He stepped over the bike that was still laying on the ground, bending down, reaching out. "Need a hand."

Philip sat up on his elbows, watching Lukas for a few seconds before taking Lukas' hand. Lukas pulled him to his feet, pulling Philips helmet off, looking down at him, studying his face.

"Why are you staring at me?" Philip mumbled, keeping his eyes on Lukas.

Lukas cheeks flushed a barley noticeable pink. "I'm not staring, I'm checking to make sure you didn't hurt yourself."

"You can tell I haven't." Philip pulled the helmet away from Lukas, holding it. "Plus, I'd know."

"Sure you would, you just flung yourself off of a bike, sorry I was checking." Lukas elbowed him, walking past, bending down and pulling his motorcycle up so it was straight up on its wheels. He knocked the kickstand down, letting the bike rest on it, wiping his hands on his jeans. "Next time you get hurt I won't check."

"So there will be a next time?" Philip asked, walking away from Lukas but only to hide his wide smile.

"Obviously. You still don't believe I'm the best motocross rider."

"Because you aren't. I don't see any trophies."

"Yes, because I carry all my trophies around." Lukas scoffed, jogging after Philip. "I'm gonna prove to you I'm the best." 

Philip only rolled his eyes. "Okay, tough guy."


	7. Chapter 7

Being with Lukas made Philip feel warm. Like the kind of warm you feel on a summer when you tilt your head up towards the sun and you can just feel the heat crawl over your body. Being with Lukas made Philip feel relaxed, there was no longer a giant weight on his chest, he was no longer struggling to breathe. With Lukas he felt free, something he'd only ever gotten through going to bars and kissing boys he didn't even know the names of, but now he was free.. and he was okay. 

"So.. do you really wanna learn how to ride the bike?" Lukas asked. They were sitting down now, picking at the grass. It was windy so Lukas' hair kept blowing in front of his face and every time it happened he'd knit his eyebrows together and make a face. It was unbearably cute.

Philip shrugged, looking up at the sky. There were a few clouds but they weren't thick and fluffy, they were thin and seemingly smeared across the sky. "I guess.. it sounds fun so.."

"It's great, dude." Lukas nudged him with his elbow. "You can barely hear anything when you ride, it's like.. this break, you know?"

Philip nodded. He knew breaks all to well. Breaks that involved turning the music up in his headphones so it was so loud it damaged his ears but he couldn't hear anything. Breaks that included sitting under the hot stream of shower water raining down on him. Breaks that included concerts where the only thing he could feel was the vibrations from the music.

"Would you teach me?" He asked, looking at Lukas through the corner of his eye. He'd mastered it by now.

Lukas was magical, especially when he smiled. He didn't have the crinkles by his eyes that Gabe had, which means he must not smile a lot and there was nothing that Philip wanted to more than to make sure Lukas spent every second of his life smiling. It was hard to look away from Lukas for fwo reasons, which made Philips glances extremely hard to master. One of the reasons is that he's like a model, he's the boy you'd see wearing the most expensive clothes, and even though Philip has only known Lukas are day, he knew Lukas wouldn't want to model, which made his chest ache. He couldn't use the photography excuse to take beautiful pictures of him. The second reason was that Lukas was loud, not in the ugly way, Lukas wasn't too much at all, but he was bright. Yeah, bright, that's a better word for it.

"Sure." Lukas had his face tilted up towards the sun and Philip couldn't help but wonder what Lukas felt like to kiss. 

Philip knew he was moving fast, his whole life was fast after all. He didn't have a childhood, he was forced to grow up. At clubs, he was never going to see the boy again, so he might as well just gotten it when he wanted it. Boys never really said no to him, it wasn't a problem. They were a kiss or maybe even a makeout with hands dragging across each others bodies. And now Philips life was just constantly changing, it's not like waiting would get him anywhere, so he could dream, that's all he could do anymore anyway.

"Is it hard? To like stay balanced and stuff?" Philip asked, his eyes still on Lukas. 

"No, it's like your bike but with a few more pounds." Lukas cracked open his eyes, turning and looking at Philip.

Philip turned his head away, picking at grass again. "Where are we?"

"In the woods, near my house.. and yours, I guess." Lukas pushed himself off of the ground, wiping the dirt off of his hands on his pants.

"Where are you going?"

"To get my bike. I'm teaching you." Lukas replied carelessly.

"Right now."

"You had no problem riding a half hour ago. You actually balanced, too. It won't be hard." Lukas walked in front of his bike, pressing his hands against the handlebars. 

Philip nodded, standing up and walking towards the bike. He climbed on slowly, going to kick the kick stand back but Lukas stopped him.

"Not yet." Lukas warned, grabbing Philips hands, placing them on the handles. "Now do you remember what does what?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Philip mumbled. Lukas stuck the key in, twisting it so the motorcycle started. 

"Okay, now, I'm gonna kick the kick stand up and you're gonna try and balance, alright?" 

Philip nodded, squeezing the handles tight, closing his eyes. Lukas punched his arm. 

"What was that for?" Philip whined, shoving Lukas away.

"You can't just close your eyes, you'll wreck." Lukas scoffed, kicking the kick stand up, keeping one hand on the back of the bike, the other hand at the front. "Now you're gonna balance, alright?"

Philip nodded, slowly lifting one leg off the ground, then the other. "I'm doing it!"

"I'm still holding the bike." Lukas laughed, pulling one hand away. "If you start to fall, just put your legs down, kay?" 

Philip nodded, taking a deep breath.

"You weren't this scared last time."

"My feet were dragging almost the entire time.. and I crashed. So don't start with that shit." Philip muttered.

"Stop being so tense, this isn't a big deal." Lukas pulled his other hand away, crossing his arms. "You're doing it?"

"You let go?"

"Mhm."

"I'm doing it!"

"Calm down, you did crash earlier." Lukas chuckled, tapping Philips foot with his own. "Put your feet down."

Philip did as told, smiling at Lukas. "I can balance."

"Congrats. You still don't know how to drive."

"You haven't let me try again." 

"Fine, go ahead and try." Lukas stepped a few more feet back, falling silent.

Philip looked down at the handlebars, revving the engine.

"If you crash my bike I'm killing you."

"You aren't helping with my anxiety."

"I'll stop talking."

"Thanks."

"Now."

"You always have to have the last word, don't you?" Philip asked, laughing softly.

"Definitely. Now go." Lukas replied, pointing at the path of grass ahead of Philip.

Philip nodded, taking one of his legs off the ground before getting his arm grabbed. It was Lukas. Who was holding a helmet. Lukas pulled the helmet onto Philips head, tapping it with his hand, giving a small smile.

"You forgot that." Lukas muttered, backing up again, clearing his throat and crossing his arms.

Philip nodded, revving the bike, taking both of his legs off the ground, slowly moving forward. He let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding and started to speed up. He woddbled a few times, the motorcycle tilting along with his body, but he successfully drove and stopped about 20 feet away.

"Did you see that?" Philip asked, climbing off the bike, tripping slightly, letting the bike fall. He tugged off is helmet, grinning.

"There's a kickstand for a reason."

"I drove, Lukas!"

"Like five miles per hour and for like six yards." Lukas laughed, walking over to Philip, lifting the bike up. "But it was a good try."

"It wasn't a try, Lukas, I actually did it." Philip replied, kicking the kick stand out, resting his his hands on the seat of the bike, Lukas' hands only centimeters away.

Lukas glanced at Philip, his lips pressed together. Whenever Lukas did that Philip could feel his heart flutter and he hated it because fuck, he liked a boy already. Lukas glanced at what Philip could swear were his lips before straightening up, pulling his phone out. "I gotta go."

"Why?" Philip asked, digging his nails into the seat.

"Uh, my girlfriend and some friends are going to see a movie and I said I'd go." He stuffed the phone in his pocket, walking back over to where they were sitting, picking up the helmet and pulling it on. He walked back over, pushing past Philip, climbing on.

Philip nodded. Of course he has a girlfriend. He picked up the helmet, pulling it on without worrying about how ugly it looked this time. At least this helmet could hide how disappointed he looked. "Yeah, okay." He climbed onto the bike, wrapping his arms around Lukas, pressing his face, or should he say his helmet, into Lukas' back.

Lukas kicked the kick stand up, revving his engine, speeding through the forest. Philip hated it, he hated being this close to a boy that relaxed him but also ruined him. Philip knew he shouldn't be that upset but he just had this complex that he just wanted love. He fell fast, doing everything but saying I love you. He just needed to feel worth it.. and Lukas made him forget about what it felt like to feel worthless. But Lukas didn't need him. They just met. This was stupid. 

The ride back was silent, Lukas didn't pull any of the annoying things he did on the way, no speeding or sharp turns. None of Lukas' laughter being louder than the motor. Nothing seemed as interesting anymore, probably because none of it was new. The ride was also short and the feelings of emptiness were crawling back into Philips mind. His chest began to ache, he was alone, his mom wasn't here, his abuser wasn't getting any punishment, only a restraining order, and he's got no friends. Before he knew it they were parked and Lukas was pulling off his helmet. Philip loosed his grip before ultimately letting go, climbing off. He handed Lukas the helmet and without a second thought he began to walk up the yard.

"Philip!" 

Philip turned around, facing Lukas, who was pulling hid helmet off. "What?"

"You didn't give me your number." Lukas chuckled, fishing out his phone. He typed on it for a few seconds before reaching out, gesturing for Philip to come and take it.

"You want my number?" Philip asked, walking towards him, slowly. 

"Yeah." Lukas replied, tossing him his phone, glaring when Philip didn't catch it. "How can you not catch that?"

Philip rolled his eyes, picking his phone up off of the grass. "How can you think I'd catch it?" 

Lukas rolled his eyes. "You're right, you can't even drive a motorcycle."

Philip typed his number in, saving it, tossing it to Lukas. "I did! I just drove slow!"

"Mhm." Lukas stuffed his phone back into his pocket, pulling his helmet back on. 

Philip only flipped Lukas off, smiling once Lukas had turned around, and drove down the road. He had a friend.  
He turned around, walking back up the yard. He pulled open the screen door, twisting the front doors knob, stopping when he realized he was locked out. Right, he didn't have a key.   
Chewing on his bottom lip, Philip turned around, walking around towards the back of the house. He kicked a few loose rocks from the gravel driveway. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, looking around the area. 

The thing about Philip is that he always loved nature. He loved going to parks, because parks were the closest things to nature in the city. He went camping a few times with his mom and Todd and surprisingly Todd didn't want to risk touching Philip when his mom was so close. But Philip didn't enjoy the camping. It happened one summer when Philip was 13, when Philip knew it was wrong. The air was sticky and Philip remembered complaining the entire hike, where his mom just stopped and admired everything. His mother never complained, she was stronger than he was. Philip liked it for a while, the car ride was his favorite part, but when they set up tents he noticed Todd looking at him and that put him on edge. He spent the rest of the trip looking over his shoulder, making sure he had on layers of clothes no matter how hot he was, and making sure he was never alone.

Todd didn't only ruin Philips body image, he didn't only make it so every time Philip looked in the mirror he saw Todds disgusting hands sliding over his body. He also ruined Philip being able to enjoy things, he was constantly worried, he was never comfortable. He couldn't ever trust anyone or feel fully safe. He ruined Philip in so many ways, so many layers of Philip that were contaminated by him.

"Hey, Philip!" A voice called, the voice belonged to Gabe, and the voice also startled the living hell out of Philip.

Philip jumped, nearly tripping over his feet. He turned around. "What?"

Gabe jogged towards him. "I'd been calling you for like two minutes, you just kept walking. Something going on?"

Philip could see regret flash in Gabes eyes once he finished the question. He ran his fingers through his hair, shrugging. "I've.. um.. I'm getting used to it, you know?" 

"Used to living here?" Gabe replied, crossing his arms. 

Philip nodded. "It's different. Way quieter than the city.. fresher air, too." He only said the things Gabe wanted to hear. He avoided the things he knew Gabe, and probably any person who hasn't dealt with trauma, didn't want to hear.

"Well, I'm gonna make lunch, it'll be ready in like twenty minutes. Go ahead and explore and all, just be home in time." Gabe smiled, waving Philip off.

"Is Helen coming?"

"No, Helen is at work." 

Philip found himself letting out a sigh of relief. "Yeah, okay, I'll be ready." Philip turned around, walking down a little bit, his shoulders relaxing when he heard Gabe walking away.

Philip wasn't good at having his back turned to people. That way they could touch him, just like Todd did.  

He ran his fingers through his hair, stopping when he saw a barn. It was big and had a few holes in the roof. He walked towards it, chewing on his cheek, looking around. Slowing down he walked up to the door, stopping. He reached out, slowly, tapping on the door. It made no sense, really, knocking on the door, but he still did before tugging it open. The barn was dark for the most part, only lines of sunlight peeking in. It wasn't full, it was actually quite empty, a boat or something in the corner along with an few boxes. 

Philip stepped inside, tugging the door shut, walking towards the ladder. It lead up to another level and it didn't look totally stable, but Gabe seems like the fixer upper type so Philip doubted that it would break. He stepped onto the first bar, grabbing the fifth, climbing up the ladder. It looked higher up from the ground, in all honesty. He pulled himself up onto the second level, standing up, dusting his hands off. There was more light up here, only hay to be found. He quickly decided that this would be another one of his escapes.

Escapes were an important thing for Philip. Once he told, people came around constantly, and his house was no longer his safe place, despite his bedroom never being a safe place. Now that he was here he had a new one and it felt so good.

He pulled out his phone, checking for a message from Lukas. Nothing. He sat down on the floor of the second level, pulling his knees to his chest, burying his face in his legs. He took a deep breath, focusing on his lungs filling and deflating. He straightened his legs out, laying back on the ground, covering his eyes. 

The barn was dusty and Philip would figure some people would care, but he didn't. The dusty smell made it feel comforting. And it was beautiful. Seeing the dust fall in front of the streams of light in small specks. It was almost photo worthy. Philip dug around in his pocket, pulling his phone back out, taking a few pictures. The barn was one of those magical places that made you feel like you went back in time.. and god Philip needed that more than ever.

Lunch with Gabe was quiet, well, not quiet as in silent but quiet as in calm. Gabe asked how it was hanging out with Philip and Philip replied with good. He asked if Philip thought he'd made a friend and honestly Philip said he was sure he did. Then Gabe talked about the town, gave him a short verbal tour, explaining that if Philip needed anything anytime to just ask and they would figure it out. Then he told Philip about how he was a vet and how he would gladly let Philip come over and help some days for extra money. Lastly he explained that Philip will have chores and that he'll get paid for those, too, and he made the chores sound bad, but Philip was positive they weren't bad. He was glad to have something to do, something to distract himself. It'll be him getting something done and christ it has been a long time since Philip had gotten anything done.

Gabe left after lunch to go to work so Philip was home alone. It wasn't as exciting as Philip thought it would be, probably because he has no friends. Well, he has Lukas. Philip stood up from the kitchen table, walking towards his room where he plugged his phone in while they ate. He stepped inside, walking over to the nightstand his phone was resting on. He picked it up, unlocking it, smiling.

(1) New Message 

Philip tapped on the notification. 

Unknown Number:   
Hey its Lukas 

Unknown Number:   
the movie was so long sorry 

Philip bit his lip, going into his contacts, adding Lukas as his third contact, putting a heart eyed emoji next to his name.

To: Lukas   
Hey 

To: Lukas   
I was eating 

Philip shut his phone off, turning around, looking around his room. It was weird, having clean wooden walls that were polished and perfect. He wasn't used to being unpacked and having a room that was clean. Even living in at house that didn't smell of smoke was new. And he almost felt guilty for enjoying it. His phone buzzed in his hand.

From: Lukas   
What's up 

To: Lukas   
Just getting used to my new room 

To: Lukas   
Wby 

Philip sat down on his bed, crossing his legs, his eyes glued to the screen.

From: Lukas   
I was working on my bike 

Badass, Philip thought.

From: Lukas   
Now I'm doing chemistry homework 

To: Lukas   
Is Red Hook hard?

From: Lukas   
I guess 

From: Lukas   
Is that where you're going?

To: Lukas   
Yeah

They texted for about three hours, until the front door swung open and hit the wall at five o'clock, signaling when was home. Philip shut off his phone, walking out of his room, smiling.

"Where's Gabe?"

Helen jumped, raising her eyes. She obviously wasn't used to having someone in the house that wasn't Gabe. "He's on his way home, he's bringing pizza."

Philip nodded, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Cool."

That was the extent of their conversation until Gabe got home. He set the table and got everyone a slice of pizza before sitting down and saying thanks, yet another thing Philip just wasn't used to. Gabe went around asking about days, Helen and Philip both said fine. Then they ate silently. Sitting through dinner was honestly such torture for Philip because he just wanted to go back to texting Lukas, he needed his escape.

It took forty five minutes for dinner to end, only because Gabe thought it was necessary to have a family treat and have that family treat being a banana split. Once they said that Philip could go to his room, Philip got up so fast he almost knocked the chair he was sitting in over. He ran to his room, shutting the door and locking it. He climbed onto the bed, unlocking his phone.

To: Lukas   
Hey

To: Lukas   
I'm back

From: Lukas   
Hey 

Philip smiled.. and he let his escape begin.


	8. Chapter 8

Philip woke up to the smell of freshly cooked bacon on Sunday morning. He was up late texting Lukas, so he already broke his rule of showering before anyone wakes up. Maybe Helen and Gabe will leave later today and he can. He only felt safe when he was alone after all. That's one of Philips struggles, he can't feel safe unless he's alone and if he's alone how the hell can he have a relationship? Not even romantically, but in general. Philip knows he's hard to deal with, he knows he's a lot, and he knows ultimately people will give up on him because he isn't changing.  
It's already happened before.

He rolled onto his back, running his fingers through his hair, looking at the window to his left. It was covered by a thin curtain, obviously decoration. From the inside, the window was clean, but the outside it was dirty, with little cobwebs in the corners with small spiders clinging to them, dirt and dust embedded in the small cuts on the glass. It changed the shapes of the shadows caused by the sun shining in. Philip rubbed his face, sitting up, slowly, holding onto the sheets so they didn't fall from his hips. He looked around his room, trying his hardest to memorize it, to get used to it. He couldn't keep waking up and getting frightened because he wasn't at home. It was gonna a kill him.

A soft knock hit the door of Philips room and Philip had to stop himself from wrapping himself up in his sheets. Gabe and Helen won't hurt him, they won't touch him, they're different. 

"Philip?" Gabe asked softly. "Are you awake? Can I come in?"

Philip nodded, crossing his arms over his shirt clad chest. "Um.. yeah, I just woke up." 

Gabe opened the door, walking in, smiling. "I made pancakes and bacon, if you don't like that we can have eggs or yogurt."

Philip kept his eyes on the foot of his bed. "Yeah.. that sounds okay."

Gabe walked towards his bed and Philip tensed up. Gabe looked down at him, his heart breaking. The boy shouldn't have to be scared in his own room, the boy shouldn't be this scared at all. 

"You're safe here, okay?" Gabe kneeled down, trying to catch Philips eyes. "And I'm here. Sarah also gave us information about therapy." Gabe reached out to touch Philip but pulled his hand back. "We trust you.. we care about you. You can tell me and Helen anything, okay?"

Philip didn't look up, he kept his eyes on the bed, his curls falling in front of his face. He took a shaky breath. "Okay." 

Once Gabe nodded and stepped out of the room, shutting the door, Philip began to cry. It wasn't unusual for him, he'd normally cry in the shower as cliché as it sounds. He just didn't have to acknowledge that he was crying when he did it in the shower, no one could hear him, he couldn't even hear himself.

Philip felt guilty for crying. He shouldn't be crying over a man trying to be nice to him, he should be grateful, but God did Gabe act like Todd. His calm voice, his calluses covering his eyes, and those brown fucking eyes. Philip wiped his eyes, taking deep breaths, climbing out of bed. He pulled on sweatpants, tying them tight so they couldn't be pulled off. Another habit. He wiped his cheeks with his shirt one last time before walking out.

It was bright, an amber warm color in the house. The smell of pancakes and bacon filled Philips senses as he walked closer and closer to the kitchen. The news was playing on the TV in the living room, Helen sitting cross legged on the couch, holding a small cup of what Philip assumed was coffee. She was in shorts assumed a tank top and it was odd to Philip. His mother always wore these beautiful nightgowns, he thought every mother did.

"You're finally up." Helen muttered, her eyes not even meeting Philips. 

"Helen, play nice, he's a teenager, teenagers sleep in during the weekend."

"It's 10 o'clock, Gabe, one more hour and I would've thought he was dead." Helen grumbled, looking down at her coffee.

"I'm sorry." Philip mumbled, rubbing his arm nervously. He was already annoying him, he couldn't keep doing it. He can't risk getting sent further away and he was sure they knew that. He just needs to set an alarm on the weekend. That'll fix it. 

"Don't be, Philip." Gabe smiled, making Philip a plate. He put three pancakes stacked on top of each other with four pieces bacon if the plate, setting it on the table then pouring Philip a glass of orange juice. "You've been moving around a lot, you need your rest."

Philip nodded, walking to the table, pulling a seat out and sitting down. "Thank you for the breakfast." He muttered, looking down at the plate. It made his stomach growl, he wasn't used to having so much to eat, his plate was never full, hell, he was lucky if it was half full, then again they rarely ate off plates. It was mostly fast food and frozen meals for one. The concept of waking up and cooking a meal.. a meal for a family was new and kind of exciting for Philip.

"Now, don't say that too early, I might have just made the worst pancakes ever." Gabe teased, setting down the glass of orange juice. "If you want another drink just ask or get it yourself, I don't want you to think I'm babying you."

Philip only nodded, watching Gabe walk out to the living room, sitting down with Helen. He enjoyed it, being babied, Gabe wasn't doing it as much as he was thinking, but it was still nice having things done for him and him not having to worry about taking care of his mom and himself. Ah, yes, there's the guilt, thanks for coming and ruining what could've been a good meal. He began to pick at his pancakes, taking a few bites, thinking about his mom.

Her soft hair that was always frizzy but it suited her. Her sweet voice that was even sweeter when she laughed and sweetest when she called Philips name. Her long dresses that were old and faded but perfect. Her thin, frail body, that was almost  delicate like art work. Philip was sure his mom was artwork. She was beautiful, a broken beautiful, not in the depressing and poetic bullcrap way, but in the way that how Chip in Beauty and the Beast was chipped. His mother wasn't broken, she was her, and her happened to include a few chips and scratches, and god, did Philip get cut around her.

Philip finished his breakfast quickly. Well, maybe, finished wasn't the right word. Lost his appetite was a better explanation, but that was a phrase and not really a word. Well, there was a word. Sick. He was enjoying being with these people too much, this wasn't a break, his life was still going to shit, but when Gabe smiled at him and Helen tried her best at small talk he didn't have to think about it. Here in this wooden house he was safe like he is in the shower. When he's here he's doesn't have to think about Todd and how his gross, sharp jaws, tore Philip apart, leaving him wounded and desperate for love. Or how all of his friends left him because he was the gross molested boy. Or even how his mom is probably at home suffering, dealing with all of Philips problems and her own. Chris, Philip was a bad son, his mom deserved so much better. 

"Philip?" Helens hand was on his shoulder within seconds and it was almost enough to send Philip jumping out of his skin. He wished he could, he wished he could just not be himself for a day, but he's a different when he's with Lukas, when he's with Lukas he isn't weighed down, he isn't molested or traumatized, he's different. He's Philip and only Philip. And he doesn't recognize himself without all of the baggage and hurt and walls he'd built around himself.

"Yes?" Philip whispered, looking up at her. Her hair was falling in front of her face because she was looking down at him and light was shining behind her. It was almost ironic how someone so terrifying can look so gentle and warm from angling and light. But Philip should know that. He's a photographer and he was able to make everyone think he was fine for years.  

"You done with your breakfast?" She  asked, already taking the plate out from in front of Philip.

Philip nodded. "Yeah, I'm done."

"You don't eat a lot."

Philip ignored the comment, he knew that.

"Something wrong?" Unlike Gabe, Helen didn't realize when she said the wrong questions. Or maybe she knew she was saying all the wrong things, maybe that was the whole point.

Philip stayed staring at the table. If Philip wasn't going to talk about it to a therapist he definitely wasn't going to get into it with Helen. "I'm just tired and I haven't showered yet, showers wake me up."

"Well, we don't have time. It's 11 o'clock and we gotta get down to the store and get everything." Helen said, it came off more as an order, though.

"I'll get ready." He whispered, standing up, pushing his chair in and walking out.

"Be ready by 11:30 and be in the car!" She yelled. "Oh! And make sure you know what else you want for your room and stuff!" 

"Yes, ma'am!" Philip replied. He didn't mean to, he never called anyone ma'am, not even teachers, but he almost called Helen mom, and he couldn't do that, he couldn't hurt his mother like that. He wouldn't replace her, she had him promise that, and he agreed, huffing her tighter. 

Philip stepped into his bedroom, shutting the door, locking it, putting one of his suit cases in front of it in case somehow someone got in Philip could hear it and be ready. He ran his fingers through his hair, glancing at the glowing light on his nightstand. The closer he got the better he was able to read it. It was a text. From Lukas.

From: Lukas   
Morning 

Philip smiled, rubbing the back of his neck. He picked his phone up, unlocking it, tapping on the chat.

To: Lukas   
Good morning 

To: Lukas   
Sleep good?

Philip shut his phone off, looking around at his room. His room. It still didn't feel right, Philip wasn't sure if it ever would. This wasn't home. This never will be. Walking to his dresser, Philip bit his lip, he pulled out one of the drawers, pulling out a button up plaid shirt, going to the next drawer and pulling out some worn jeans. He tugged out the bottom drawer, pulling out some boxers and socks. 

Changing was something Philip hated. He hated looking  down at his bare body. That's why he never ever changed clothes while facing a mirror, if he could he would just not have a mirror. Back in his apartment with his mom his mirror in his dresser was covered in pictures. Philip just couldn't do it, he couldn't look at himself and not see Todd. His body wasn't his, it hasn't been his since he was five years old and Todd wanted to 'play a game.' Philips body hadn't been respected ever really. He was hit and shoved by bullies, felt up and pushed around in clubs, and then Todd doing whatever the hell he wanted to Philip just because he could. Thinking about how much of an object he'd become, how useless. Philip was weak and he needed to accept it. He stuffed his feet into some worn out sneakers, glancing at the box of shoes in the corner. He shouldn't waste their money. He grabbed his phone off the nightstand, walking out of his room, shutting the door.

His phone buzzed in his hand while he walked towards the door. He looked down at the notification, biting back a smile.

From: Lukas   
Yeah 

From: Lukas  
What are you doing today 

Philip ignored the urge to get happy and think Lukas cared. He probably didn't. It was just a conversation starter.

To: Lukas   
I'm going shopping for school 

To: Lukas   
You?

From: Lukas   
I think I'm gonna practice 

To: Lukas   
Again?

From: Lukas   
Yeah I do it a lot 

To: Lukas   
Cool 

From: Lukas   
There's a lot of videos of me riding on my website 

Philip had to hold back a laugh. 

To: Lukas   
A website? Wow you're famous 

From: Lukas   
Shut up 

From: Lukas   
Just Google Lukas Waldenbeck motocross and you'll find it 

To: Lukas   
I doubt I'll be impressed 

From: Lukas   
Fuck you

Philip actually laughed this time. He hit the home button and went to Google, typing in 'Lukas Waldenbeck motocross'. A lot of links came up, the first being a racing website all around, the second one being Lukas' personal website. He hit the link, digging his teeth into his lower lip as he scrolled around. His page was filled with videos, and Philip almost felt bad for thinking it, but whenever filmed the videos sucked. He could do so much better. Wait. He hit home and tapped the messages, tapping on Lukas' chat and starting to type.

To: Lukas   
who films your video 

From: Lukas   
My girlfriend 

To: Lukas   
Oh 

From: Lukas   
What 

To: Lukas   
I'm just really into photography so I thought maybe I could film it a few times and see how it goes

Lukas spent almost two minutes typing and Philip was sure the anxiety of waiting for the reply. 

From: Lukas   
Yeah you can 

From: Lukas   
She hates doing it 

Philip didn't get it. How could someone hate spending time near Lukas? He was like, a gift to god, how can you hate it?

To: Lukas   
Sorry 

From: Lukas   
It's okay 

From: Lukas   
Think you can film today?

To: Lukas   
what time

From: Lukas   
Two or three 

To: Lukas   
Okay 

Philip shut his phone off, stuffing it into his pockets, walking towards the front door. The time on his phone read 11:23 before he shut it off, so he was just going to wait in the car until Helen and Gabe came out. He walked out the front door and down the front yard.

The air was crisp, something, more like another thing, Philip wasn't used to. In the city everything was dirty and old and used, but here everything was crisp and fresh and clean. It was weird. The wind blew over Philip, his hair blowing in front of his face. The cool air sent a shiver down his spine. He wrapped his arms around his torso, pressing his arms tight against his body. He ran around the side of the car, tugging the door open and climbing in. He pulled the seat buckle over himself, clicking it, and taking a breath.

The new smell that flooded Philips noise made his stomach twist. It was just like all the other times he was sent away. New car. New smells. New places. New house. Never a new home. He rolled the window down as fast as he could, letting the fresh wind swirl amongst the inside of the car. He laid his head back on the seat, closing his eyes, trying to focus on breathing. It was one of the only things that calmed him other than the sound of running water. He hated remembering things, all of his memories were tainted. What once was a bright and pure memory was now disgusting and black.

The next person to get into the car was Gabe. He had on a heavy jacket that was dark green. He slammed the passenger seat door shut and rubbed his hands together in a desperate attempt to warm them up. He looked in rear view mirror, smiling at Philip. "It's cold, isn't it?"

Philip nodded. "Yeah, really cold."

"Can I ask why the window his down?

Philip tensed, rolling the window up. It was half way up when Gabe stopped him. 

"You aren't in trouble, I was is just wondering since you're so cold why you have the window down."

"I don't like being in tight spaces without any obvious opening." Philip replied, keeping his eyes on his lap.

The answer was good enough for Gabe, or at least that's what it seemed like. The man nodded with a small 'huh' escaping his lips. He turned back around, buckling his seat belt. 

As if on cue, Helen opened the drivers side door, climbing in, slamming it shut. She buckled up, sticking the key in the ignition, looking around at everyone. "We all ready?"

Gabe and Philip both nodded, staying silent. Helen nodded in reply, backing out of the driveway and onto the bumpy road. That was one thing Philip despised here. All of the bumpy and loud gravel roads.

The drive to the Target was silent for the most part. Helen had some music station playing but it was turned down so low you couldn't even hear the words just the buzzing that could be made out into voices if it was quieter. Gabe didn't even try to make conversation and Philip thinks both Helen and him were thankful for that. It meant no struggling with with words and thoughts. No anxiety. Just silence with the buzzing in the background and the wind rushing against Philips face.

Shopping was almost torture. Helen talked loudly and Philip couldn't help it but people that were loud in public. It was embarrassing and it gave him anxiety. Gabe just pushed the cart around, following Helen and Philip wherever they went. The only times he spoke were to make cheesy jokes or to point them in the direction of something they needed. It wasn't difficult, shopping with them. Helen would point at something and ask, Philip would nod and Gabe would toss it into the cart. It was easy. It was effortless. And thankfully, one of the few things in his life, was actually going well.


	9. Chapter 9

The ride back to the house from the store was hell. It took surprisingly a long time to get through the entire store because once they were done getting Philip clothes and school supplies they had to get tons of food and then check out took forever too. And now Philip was tapping his foot anxiously on the floor of the car because it was almost two o'clock and Lukas was going to be there any minute. He had his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes focused on the trees flying by outside of the car. 

There was no music playing which made everything a million times worse. Silence gave Philip anxiety, that's when Todd would always come to his room, when it was late, dark, and quiet. He couldn't slept in the dark and he sure as hell couldn't sleep without any music playing. He normally played it out loud but last night he had put his headphones in and fell asleep that way. When he was a teenager, after he figured out everything Todd was doing was abuse and not love he started staying up later. He'd be loud, too, to make sure Todd wouldn't come in. He'd stay up until three or four am then drag himself out of bed and to school. Sure, he was exhausted, but at least he wasn't getting touched anymore.

Philip couldn't get out of the car fast enough when Helen parked. He walked around to the back, tugging the trunk open, grabbing two bags in each hand and starting to make his way up towards the house. Helen and Gabe got out slower, probably because they weren't waiting for the only good thing coming out of this move to come over.

"You seem really excited about groceries!" Gabe called in a cheerful tone. Philip was getting used to it, getting used to Gabe with his can do, always happy attitude. He just prayed Gabe never told him that happiness was a choice. If happiness was a choice Philip wouldn't be living in this prison known as his body.

Philip forced out a laugh, stopping when he realized the front door was locked. He couldn't get in. "Yeah.. they're just.. so darn exciting." Gabe would probably have a heart attack if he swore.

Helen slammed her car door closed, leaning back against it. Sometimes Philip wondered if she knew she was being completely terrifying and intimidating or if that was just her face. "So.. what's got you so excited?"

Great. "I'm going out with a friend." Philip replied, setting the bags down on the front porch.

"So, you're friends with him?" Helen raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms.   
Gabe grabbed a hand full of groceries, digging through his pockets for his keys. "Helen." He warned. "It's good Philip is making friends, that way he won't be alone at school, he'll have Lukas." Gabe pulled his keys out, making his way towards Philip and the front door. "Do you need any money?"

Philip blinked a few times. "Why would I need money?"

"In case you and Lukas want to go out to eat or want to see a movie or something." Gabe smiled, dropping the bags on the front porch, one of the bags tipping over and spilling.

It wasn't rude for Philip to say yes, right? It's not like he'd never use the money. He just needed to make sure he had enough for no matter what happened. "Yes, please." His eyes fell to the spilled bag, the shine of the sun reflecting off of a plastic box. Razors. Philip ignored the shiver that crawled up his back. It used to be a punishment, him hurting himself, it punished him for not telling and punished him for not trying hard enough to get Todd off of him. It carried on for years, he was twelve when he started and he stopped at sixteen, but he still thought about it when things got bad. 

But cutting wasn't ever punishment enough. He'd tried to kill himself multiple times for different reasons. The bullying was really bad, it was physical and emotional. Shoving him, hitting him, insulting him, taking his stuff and breaking it. Hell, they even ignored him. He just couldn't do it. And god, all the times Todd would get drunk or high, it as torture, because he didn't care what Philip was doing, he'd touch him no matter what, even if his mom was in the room. And Philip didn't tell her. So it was his fault. Philip also couldn't take the screaming, Todd would insult him, call him a faggot, punch him, shove him and throw things at him. And even adding onto all of that, the guilt that if he told he'd ruin a mans life, he'd ruin his mom's relationship and Todd made her so happy, and he liked it. Yeah, Philip liked it for a while. It made his body feel warm and Todd would tell him he loved him and Todd would worship him. Why wouldn't he like it? Because it's fucking disgusting and so was Philip.

"Philip?" 

Philips head shot up. "W-what?" 

"You were a little zoned out, buddy." Gabe chuckled, picking up the bags he laid on the ground. "I asked you if thirty dollars would be okay." 

Philip nodded. "Yeah, that'll be okay, thank you." 

"Don't need to thank me, we're family, it's what we do." He nudged Philip, pulling the door open and walking in. 

Right, because not every man he meets is like Todd. Not everyone will hurt him like Todd did. Good people exist, Philip was sure of it, hell, it was true, but why couldn't he convince himself that they won't hurt him?  He picked up the grocery bags, following Gabe inside, tense at the feeling of Helens eyes drilling into his back. He hated having his back to people, so open and free, so easy for someone to ruin him.. if there was anything left to ruin. He carried the bags into the kitchen, setting them on the kitchen table, starting to go through them.

"Don't worry about that, Philip, you're going out, when we unpack we'll put your school supplies and clothes in there." Gabe smiled, pulling his wallet out and pulling out three tens. "Now go get ready."

"I don't think boys get ready, girls are the only ones that do that." Helen stated as she entered the kitchen. "He's not going on a date, Gabe."

Okay, so now there's the posibility that they're homophobic. As if Philip needed anything else to worry about. Philip took the money from Gabe, muttering a small thank you before walking to his room. He shut the door, locking it, pulling out his pencil bag full of money. He stuffed the money inside, freezing and dropping the bag when he heard a motorcycle approaching. Lukas. He left the bag there, rushing out of his room and towards the door.

"Have fun!" Gabe called.

Helen said nothing. Like usual. Maybe the phrase 'if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all' reversed in her mind. Whatever it was, Philip didn't bother thinking about it, he was about to have his escape and man, did he need it. He ran down the front yard, taking the helmet from Lukas' hands. Lukas hadn't taken his helmet off and if he was honest with himself he was kind of let down. He pulled his helmet on, climbing onto the back of the motorcycle, wrapping his arms around Lukas' torso, holding on tight. Lukas drove slowly until they got to the rode and that's when Philips arms got even tighter. The ride was fast, Philip chalked it up to the fact how he was busy mapping out the way Lukas felt under his fingertips. He could feel the heat of Lukas' torso through his shirt, setting a fire to his hands. This felt real, unlike everything else which was just some never ending nightmare.

They went to the same place they went yesterday. A field with hills. It was simple, but it was beautiful, all simple things were beautiful to Philip. Philip let go of Lukas which was almost painful, kind of like pulling apart  two strong magnets, they need need to separate but they will keep touching until the last second and they'll touch any time they can. That's how Philip found himself feeling about Lukas. 

Lukas kicked the kick stand out, pulling his helmet off and shaking his hair out of his face. He glanced back at Philip after hanging his helmet on the handlebar. "Where do you wanna stand to do it?" 

Philip tugged his helmet, smirking. "Not even a hello."

Lukas rolled his eyes. "Fine, hi, Philip, how are you doing?" 

"I'm good. The weather is so nice today, isn't it, Lukas?"

Lukas let out a small chuckle. "I hate you."

Philip looked down. "I hate me, too." He whispered, looking up just in time to see Lukas' face change. It went from a small smile to something that seemed depressed, but it couldn't be. Lukas didn't care about Philip, he probably never would. Plus, Philip shouldn't make an idiot out of himself and convince himself Lukas cares, he's done that before with every guy he's liked. This is some dumb crush and he'll be out of Tivoli or wherever the fuck soon enough that it means nothing. 

Lukas cleared his throat, climbing off of the bike. "So.. I could go down there and you can.. do whatever you do."

"I'm going to film you." Philip laughed, climbing off of the bike. "It's photography.. I could even.. take pictures of you with your bike if you want me to." 

"Really?" Lukas raised an eyebrow and it shocked Philip that he was so surprised. Who wouldn't want to take pictures of Lukas? Who wouldn't want to spend every spare moment with him? What the hell is wrong with the people in this town?

Philip smiled. "Oh, yeah, definitely. I love taking pictures, it's nothing."

Lukas nodded, this dopey grin spreading across his face. "Yeah, okay. I'll do my thing and you do yours?"

Philip nodded. "Definitely." He pulled his phone out, backing up a few feet so Lukas could drive away and down the hill. He unlocked his phone, tapping on the camera icon, focusing the camera. He looked through the screen at the area around them. It was flurished and green and something you'd see in and painting. It was almost unreal how beautiful it was, hell, Philip wasn't even sure if Lukas was real.

How could he get so lucky and meet Lukas? Lukas, a boy who's handsome and nice to him, a boy who doesn't know about his past and hopefully never will. His past ruined everything, Philip sure as hell wasn't going to let his past touch this. Lukas was like the warm sun shining down in the middle of the storm, you love it, you adore it, but you know the storm will be coming back you just hole it takes its time, because this sunshine is all you need.

Lukas got back on his bike and pulled his helmet on before speeding down the hill. Philip tapped the circle on his screen, starting to film, biting his lip. Lukas had somehow gotten better than yesterday. What was Philip saying? Of course he didn't get better, he just didn't show Philip everything he could do in one day. He sped over hills, doing jumps, lifting his bike off the ground, and even doing things Philip had no idea were safe. Philip didn't notice how long he had been filming until he noticed the small timer in the corner reading 11:03. He shut off his phone, stuffing it back in his pocket and waving his arms around to signal to Lukas that he was done. Lukas rode back up, laying his bike on the ground and tugging his helmet off.

"How'd it go?"

"Really good." Philip smiled, he was sure he was smiling so wide he looked like a crazy man. "Have you ever broken a bike?"

"Yeah, three bones in my hand and once I broke my toe, which was really dumb because I had to wear this giant cast that made it impossible for me to ride for months." Lukas held his helmet as he walked towards Philip, a small smile on his lips.

"You ever got in a wreck?"

"Unless you count me driving into a tree when I was ten, no." He chuckled. "Lemme see what you got." 

Philip dug out his phone, unlocking it, tapping on the gallery and hitting play on the video. Lukas stood close to Philip, so close Philip could smell the cologne Lukas was wearing along with the mint gum he was chewing. Lukas' chest was partly pressed against Philips back and Philip could feel his heart beating faster. The entire time they watched the video Lukas had his eyes glued to the screen while Philip snuck glances at Lukas every chance he could. The video ended and Lukas pulled away and Philip felt like he could breathe again but also felt like he was drowning.

Sure, Lukas didn't fix him, hell, no one could, you can't love someone better and you can't love someone's past away but you can love them despite it and you can help them get through it. If Philip was even lucky enough to get that close to Lukas, to get close enough to start something real, he'd need to make sure Lukas knew that. Too many people think they can just love someone better, love away the pain, love away the past, love away the ache in the persons bones, but you can't. All you can do is be there for them and hope for the best.

"Dude, you were so good at that, you got my air and everything." Lukas patted Philips back and Philip felt his heart skip a beat. And no, it wasn't because Philip was falling unusually fast for the pretty motocross boy but it was because it was the first touch that didn't come from sadness. Lukas wasn't touching him to comfort him. Lukas wasn't touching him because he pitied Philip. Lukas was touching him because he wanted to. And Philip couldn't hold back his grin.

"Thanks, it's nothing special, just pointing a camera, you were the one doing all of the stunts." He swayed back and forth slightly, looking down. When he looked back up Lukas was looking at him with his bottom lip trapped between his teeth.

"No, it's good. You're like some camera god or something." Lukas sat down on the grass setting his helmet between his legs. 

Philip laughed, sitting down across from him. "There's a word for that."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Well.. what is it?" Lukas leaned towards Philip.

Philip smiled, picking at the grass, glancing up at Lukas. "It's called a photographer."

Lukas rolled his eyes. "That's dumb. That's just someone who takes pictures."

"I think it's a bit more than that."

"Well whatever. You're different." Lukas glanced at him.

"Thanks, Lukas." Philip looked up, pulling his knees towards his chest. "So have you made your choice?"

"About what?"

"If I'm going to be the one filming your videos from now on."

"Oh, yeah.. you are." Lukas put one arm over his face, covering his eyes. Philip had never been more thankful. Now he could study the way Lukas' chest raised and lowered as he breathed and how his muscles shifted while he moved. The boy was long and lean and beautiful and god, Philip was fucked.

"Do I just film every time?"

Lukas shrugged. "I'll just text you when I want to, I guess." He lifted his arm up. "You'll be free." He lowered it again.

"That's a dick move." Philip laughed.

"What? You're my number one fan now." He smirked. "You'll cancel all your plans to come help me."

"It sounded like you were saying I had no friends."

Lukas peeked out from under his arm. "Am I wrong?"

Philip scoffed, leaning back on his hands. "Shut up."

"Well, you got me."

Philip nodded. "Thank you, oh amazing motocross star."

"Oh amazing motocross star isn't appreciating his number one fans sarcasm."

Philip nudged Lukas' leg with his foot. "Since I'm your number one fan, shouldn't I know stuff about you?"

"No."

"Lukas."

"Fine. What do you want to know?"

"Three things you love, three things you hate." Philip smiled. 

"What?" Lukas sat up. "This isn't a sleepover."

"I didn't think it was one." Philip nudged his leg again. "Come on."

Lukas sighed. "Fine.. I guess I love.. motocross.. um.. I really like swimming..and uh.. the animals at my place."

"What kind of animals?"

"We got turkeys and horses. I even have a pet turkey."

"How?" Philip had to hide his smile in his arm.

"Well, his name is Lester and he follows me around and stuff, like I'm his dad. It's really cool."

"And now give me three things you hate."

"When girls wear too much perfume.. school.. and when people like you ask me stuff."

"Why do you hate it?"

"I just said I hated questions, Philip."

"But why?"

"Because I don't have anything to say.. it's stupid, this is stupid." Lukas stood up. "We should go."

"I love my mom, reading, and dogs."

Lukas froze, glancing back at Philip.

"And I hate that I have to live in this stupid new town, I hate that I have to live with the sheriff, and I hate that I'm starting at a new school in the middle of February."

Lukas sat back down, picking at the grass without looking up. "So.. you from the city?"

"Did I tell you?"

"I heard it around."

Philip nodded. "Right, small town."

"Yeah.. it sucks. I wanna get out of here."

Philip smiled, nodding. "I wanna get out of here, too."

The rest of the afternoon continued like that. Talking about their plans about how to escape Tivoli, it was just an all around shit town, it wasn't just Philip hating it, Lukas hated it, too. Philip learned a lot about Lukas. That in order to get him to open up you have to do it, too, to do show him that it's okay. He also learned that Lukas' mom died, he wasn't sure if Lukas wanted Philip to know, but he said he 'had' a mom which only left a handful of options. Philip opened up, too, sure most of it was lies, well, not necessarily lies, but Philip just avoided the truth. He told Lukas about how great and amazing his mom was and about how he had a lot of friends, which were both true, his mom was great and and he used to have friends. Lukas also went through his entire motorcycle showing Philip what every single part was. By the time they were done it was nearly six at night. Lukas was up on his bike, revving it, or as he kept saying 'testing' it, but Philip didn't care, Lukas on his bike in front of the sunset was magical. The way the colors faded into each other right behind Lukas. Of course Philip took a few pictures, it would be a sin. Then after five minutes and 10 pictures they left, Philips arms wrapped around Lukas' torso as if he was having a nightmare and was holding onto his pillow. Something Philip knew all too well. But he wouldn't really mine having nightmares if Lukas was there to wake up to.

Saying goodbye was hard considering Lukas didn't turn off his bike or pull his helmet off. He just stopped, let Philip get off, taking Philips helmet and waving before driving off. Philip ignored the ache in his chest and walked up the yard, humming to himself. He knocked on the front door, smiling to himself. Helen was the one to open the door and she looked beyond mad. She was mad so much Philip was sure it was just her face at this point.

"You're late."

"You didn't give me a time."

"Be home by five from now on. Understood?"

Philip nodded. "Okay, Helen."

She nodded. "You can head to bed, there's leftovers in the fridge and food in fhe freezer if you're hungry."

Philip nodded again, walking into his bedroom, freezing when he saw the pencil bag gone off his bed. Okay, don't panic, maybe he actually put it away. He walked towards his bed, looking on it and under it, digging through his backpack.

"Looking for this?" 

Gabe.

Philip stood up, looking at his pencil bag in Gabes hand. "I.."

"Helen thought you stole all of it.." 

Philip didn't want that to hurt but it did.

"But I convinced her you saved up. You did, right?" Gabe raised an eyebrow.

Philip nodded. "It's got like three hundred dollars in there.. I started saving when life started getting.. extra hard and is wasn't sure what was going to happen.."

Gabe nodded, looking down at the bag, zipping it shut and tossing it to Philip. "Why would you need to save up?"

"For bills and chores and anything else we'd need. I'd take lunch money and save it, any money from birthday or Christmas.. I sold some of my stuff."

Gabe walked towards him, wrapping his arms around him and rubbing his back. "You don't have to do that anymore. Helen and I will take care of you, you're our boy, it'll be okay, now."

Philip hugged back, limply, blinking slowly. Ah, yes, pity hugs. Just what Philip needed.


	10. Chapter 10

Monday morning Philip got up at 4:30 am. He locked himself in the bathroom and stood with his back against the stream of water falling from the shower head. He could barely sleep last night and he wanted to write it off as nerves because he was going to a new school but he couldn't lie to himself, not anymore. He couldn't sleep because now his foster family knows exactly how pathetic he is, not to mention the fact that Helen thought he stole it. He wasn't one of those kids, he definitely wasn't. Right now Philip was lucky if anyone even talked to him nicely. Philip knew he was weird and he had a hell of a past and he knew he couldn't be the easiest to approach but.. god, he hated to admit it but he needed it. 10 years of what he thought was love had been ripped away from him and now he was alone. He just ached for something. Lukas was numbing the ache, Lukas was numbing everything, but Lukas was also making Philip feel things, so he knew it couldn't end well.

Philip tilted his head back, the hot water splashing over his head. Showers were nice, they weren't quite living, they weren't quite dying. For a half hour every day Philip could just exist and no one could bother him. He was safe. Todd couldn't even touch him. Well, Todd couldn't touch him right now but Philip was still worried. Todd was always there as far as Philip can remember so it certainly hasn't been easy for him to shake the feeling of the man around me.

He rubbed a soap bar across his hands, lathering his body in soap. It was safer than scrubbing, Philip used to scrub his body until he started to bleed in a desperate attempt to rid himself of the sick touches he faced. Now he just covers himself in soap and tried to pretend he's washing himself free of Todd, cleansing himself even. But deep in the back of his mind, the back where all of his truths were hidden deep in a box, he knew it wasn't working. It never would. His body would forever have invisible finger tips ingrained on his skin. And there was nothing he could do about it.

Philip rinsed his body, sitting down on the shower floor, closing his eyes, letting the water rush over his head and shoulders. He pulled his knees to his chest, breathing slowly, focusing on not crying. He can't be a baby during this. He had no one to lean on. He only had himself. He ran his fingers through the wet mop of curls on his head. He glanced at the shower curtain, reaching out, running his fingers across the fabric. 

This thing normally happens to Philip. It feels like he isn't real, like his life is just some shitty movie and he's sitting back and watching the events unfold. He'll stare at something for a little too long and he'll even catch himself doing it. It used to be scary but it isn't anymore. Because for a short period of time, he feels like he isn't himself, he doesn't have the weight or anything. Taking a deep breath, Philip shook his head and pulled himself to his feet, stepping out of the shower, closing the curtain.

When Todd was around, Philip had to learn how to be quieter. He'd leave the shower on so he could get dressed and dried off before Todd thinks he's done. He also learned how to sneak snacks into his room to avoid being around Todd. He learned how to walk around quieter and how to sneak out and go to school. Todd controlled him. He wouldn't let him eat or even go to the bathroom, he'd make him wait. He would keep him home from school, so much that in middle school teachers would call and ask what was wrong with Philip. They even had DFS called on them because of educational neglect. 

Wrapping one towel around his waist, Philip turned and faced himself in the mirror. He never wiped away the water on the mirror, it was easier to pretend he was someone else, something else, anyone but him really. When all you could see was the outline of your body and the hair on your head it was easier to lie, to be some smart boy with only a few problems like not being able to get a boyfriend. Surprisingly, Philip never struggled with his sexuality, he never hated himself for it, he never tried to chance himself either, he just was gay and that was that. He probably ignored it, there were so many worse things going on, abuse and bullying, harassment from Child Protection Services and other things, it was never a top priority, if anything it was an escape. When he was with boys (never boyfriends, they didn't like the title and Philip didn't really feel deserving of a boyfriend) he was just Philip, a gay boy in high school who had a fake ID and got into clubs. He wished those things were still that simple. 

He shook his hair out, opening his eyes to find little drops of water landing on the bathroom counter. He grabbed a bunched up towel he threw on the counter before showering and rubbed it over his head a few times. Turning his back to the mirror, he pulled the towel off his head, running his fingers through his hair multiple times. He pulled the towel from around his waist, stepping in front of the door and starting to dry himself. Standing near the door gave Philip around sense of comfort. Sure, there was a lock, but people can break locks, Todd broke locks constantly. So if he stands next to the door he has time to slam it shut if it opened. He pulled a shirt over his head, tugging it down his wet torso, wincing when it stuck to him. That's the thing he hated most about early morning showers, the fact he couldn't wait and let himself dry, he had to just get dressed and be ready. He pulled on his boxers neck, then socks, then his jeans. 

He raised his eyes to the mirror again, studying himself before picking up the towels and clothes, unlocking the bathroom door, keeping his hand on the doorknob and taking a deep breath. He is okay. Todd isn't there, there won't be any yelling. He's fine. He unlocked the door and opened it in one movement, closing his eyes. That's something he learned while he lived with Todd, he learned how to lock and unlock doors with one movement so Todd wouldn't hear the lock click shut. Todd hated locked doors, he said they were a family, there wasn't anything that needed to be hidden. He was so up front about being who he was, he was so okay with it, he never even bribed or threatened Philip to make sure he stayed quiet. Telling took away toheheyhphreafened security Todd had, but only for a moment, he wasn't charged, he didn't know what it was like to feel unsafe.

Walking down the hall, Philip kept his eyes on the ground, holding his towels and clothes as tight as he could. He could hear thumping in the kitchen and he almost walked in and asked where the laundry room was but he didn't, he didn't want to be even more of a bother. Instead, he just walked into his room, shut the door and locked it, placing his clothes and towels neatly in the corner of his room. He walked to his phone, turning it on, sighing when he saw it was 6:11 am. They had to leave for school at seven and that meant any minute they would come to wake him up. He slipped on his shoes that were warn down and almost falling apart, tying them up. He grabbed his backpack, stuffing it full of the notebooks, folders, and pencils Helen and Gabe had gotten for him, zipping it up. He took his phone and his charger, slipping his charger into the side pocket of his backpack, stuffing his phone into the pocket of his light blue jeans. He sat down on his bed, looking down at his hands.

New home. New school. New town. New everything in only three days. When Philip said he wanted his life to start over he didn't mean it like this. Everyone's going to find out, Gabe and Helen already know, teachers might already know, guidence counselor definitely knows. As if a guidence counselor would help, the last time Philip asked for help from a guidence counselor he was asked to look up the definition of anxiety and talk to his parents about what it means to them. It was stupid. She was stupid. He said sometimes he didn't want to wake up and she told him to color until the bad feelings went away. The bitch probably never had any problems, she was probably able to feel safe in her house, she probably had a good set of friends and a good high school experience. Philip didn't get either.

Knocking on the door pulled Philip out of his haze. His eyes darted towards the door, walking over to it, unlocking it and opening it. It was Helen, figures, with her hair pulled back and her uniform on. She already had a cup of coffee in her hand. She tilted her head to the side towards the kitchen.

"Come on." 

"Hm."

"Dinners ready, it's waffles and bacon. You like that?" Helen was already walking away when she started talking. It was like she couldn't wait to get away from Philip. That's probably how everyone felt, some were just better at hiding it than others. 

"Yeah, thank you." He walked out, following Helen before walking back I to his room, grabbing his backpack and walking back out into the hall. He pulled his door shut, taking a deep breath. Helen and Gabe aren't like Todd, they won't go through his stuff, but that didn't take away the anxiety. Nothing did. Philip walked down the creaky hall, plastering a fake smile on his face when he saw Gabe and Helen. Gabe greeted him with a warm smile in return whereas Helen had an almost painful smile on her face. "It.. uh.. smells really good guys.."

"Thank you." Gabe beamed, acting as if Philip complimenting his food was the nicest thing he'd ever heard. Philip didn't deserve nice people like Gabe, Philip was pretty sure no one deserved nice people like Gabe, but Philip was at no liberty to choose what those people got, only what he got. "They're only the cheap kind you heat up in the toaster."

"They still look really good."

"Thanks. You're easy to impress." Gabe laughed, sitting down at the table, putting a plate covered in food in front of Philips seat. 

"Yeah, well, my parents never really cooked.. ever. It was all me, we didn't have breakfast, I had chips for lunch, and then I'd bring home some fast food meal or I'd heat something up in the oven." Breakfast at Philips house ended at the ripe age of 8. He already adored Anne and Todd so there was no reason for them to keep struggling to make his life sweet. Philip looked down at his plate of food then at his two foster parents. Gabe had a sad look on his face, it was so sad it wasn't even sad anymore, it was something else. Helen just seemed to have ignored it, she probably hates Anne for not taking better care of Philip with or without Todd, that's everyone's reaction. Philip patted the table, grabbing two pieces of bacon, laying it on a waffle, putting an other waffle on top of the bacon. He picked it up, waving goodbye to Helen and Gabe, walking out with his head down.

They didn't try to stop him.


	11. Chapter 11

Red Hook High was nothing special. Two floors, big windows, brick building. Just a school. Kids filed in and out, throwing things to each other, talking, and texting. Philip knew it was shitty and cliché but now he knows what it feels like to feel alone in alone crowd of people. But he was thankful for the crowd of people because none of their eyes were on him, he was hidden. It was seven by the time he got there, since he had to walk, and the sun was peeking out above the trees that surrounded the school. His hands were stuffed deep in his pockets, his head down and his backpack heavy on his back. The wind was rushing between the tightly packed students and it was still a new concept to Philip, living in the city he was always sheltered from the bad wind, the high tops of buildings blocked most of the wind or at least changed its course, but here the only thing blocking it were small brick and wooden houses, tall thin trees and tall jocks. 

It was gross, being the new kid, especially in a small town. He wouldn't complain about it, probably because he had way worse things going on in his life, but it was still annoying. How once the teacher announces his arrival all the kids will have a face to the name. How they'll whisper amongst themselves and point and glance as if they were at a petting zoo. Tivoli was the dream small town, small shops on the corners, people that know people, get togethers, and they feel so safe they even leave their doors unlocked in the evening, but the thing about dream small towns is that they're only a dream when you're a part of it, when you have friends and are a part of everything, and Philip would never, ever be a part of the small town life everyone else has got going for them.

While Philip was making his way inside the school he bumped into someone. Stepping back quickly, Philip tugged his hands out of his pockets to put them up, his eyes falling on to another set of eyes. Brown ones. It was a girl, short black hair that curled. 

"I'm sorry, I was watch-"

"You're the new kid, aren't you?" She had a soft voice, she almost made Philip feel comfortable in this rushing sea of people.

"Uh.." Philip smiled, slightly, looking down for a few seconds before meeting her eyes once more. "Yeah."

"Hi." Her smile was model like, so was the rest of her. Her hair fell over her shoulders naturally, her smile not showing one ounce of fear or lies. She definitely wasn't like Helen, definitely more like Gabe. "I'm Rose." She extended a hand that was covered in jingly metal and plastic bracelets.

Philip froze for a moment. Great. Small towns. The only person being nice so far are his foster parents and the girl that is dating the boy he likes. "I'm.. Philip." 

"Have you picked up your class list?" She asked, her smile never leaving her face. Philip could see why Lukas liked her. She was nice, beautiful, and from what Philip could read, honest.

"No, I just got here.." Philip backed up a little ways, looking over his shoulder. He really shouldn't, being friends with Rose could make it worse. 

"I'll show you." Rose started to walk, her two inch heels clicking down the hall, her hair swaying side to side across her back. Once she realized Philip wasn't following her she turned around, crossing her arms. "Philip, come on!" 

Philips eyes darted up and he rushed after Rose, his hands finding themselves back in his pockets. "Sorry.. it's overwhelming."

"I can see that, I've grown up here for the most part, being the new kid sucked when I moved here in fifth grade." She didn't look back at Philip once. Confidence, Philip already wished he was like her and it wasn't even to have Lukas as his boyfriend. 

"Is it nice?" Philip asked, making his way up next to Rose. She was dainty, Philip would guess she'd be a cheerleader or a dancer. Maybe a gymnast.

"Tivoli? Oh, yeah, it's really nice, we have cute little parties on the fourth of July and we have really nice football games. Do you play football?" She looked up at Philip, curiously, and it was hard to believe that she even thought he could be a football player.

"Oh, no." Philip laughed, some anxiety leaving his body, his shoulders loosening up. "I've never ever been into sports."

"You'd be good at running." She added, looking ahead once more.

'The only running I do is away from myself,' Philip thought. "I just hate running, too much work."

"What about reading?" 

"Do you want me to get bullied?"

Roses smile was wider when she looked up at Philip. "You've got a point there."

Philip nodded, looking around at the group of people. "So.. is this hard?"

"What? The work?" She bit her lip, her eyebrows knitting together. "It's okay, it's not as hard and some of the others but it's not super easy. I have to help my boyfriend constantly with it because he never does it."

Lukas.

Philip only nodded, walking a bit faster. "I think I see the office."

Rose slowed her steps, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Yeah, okay, I'll see you around!" She waved, her bright smile nearly glowing. "Good luck!" 

Philip took a deep breath, walking into the office, blinking a few times. The lights were bright inside and there was that certain office smell, it's hard to describe, but when you think about an office you think tan desks and the smell of warm, printed papers and books. It was surprisingly calm, two women and one man in the office. The two women were both in pencil skirts, one with short raven hair and thick back glasses, the other with curly brown hair and link glasses. The pink glasses woman was by far younger, possibly and college student studying to become some sort of worker at a school. 

Pink glasses eyes landed on Philip and she smiled. "Good morning. What can I help you with?" She walked out from behind the desk to reveal four inch black heels. She stood up straight, leaning against the desk she was standing behind.

"Um.. morning. I'm Philip Shea and I'm new here, I need my class list." 

The woman nodded, walking across the office to the raven haired woman's desk. "Amy, have you seen the papers for Shea?"

"The new ones?" Amy's voice was soft like Rose's. 

"Um. Yeah." Pink glasses replied, glancing back at Philip, smiling awkwardly. "We have the boy here."

Amy glanced up, waving. "So, you're Philip Shea, right?"

Philip nodded, slowly, rocking back and forth from the ball of his foot to his heel. He hated having his back turned towards the door and the big glass window in the office, it made him feel like people were staring.

Amy sifted through different folders and papers on her desk, pulling out three papers that were stapled together. "Found them!" 

The man who was in the other part of the room, probably the principle, shushed her. "Indoor voice, you're setting an example for these kids."

"Yeah, Amy." Pink glasses replied.

"You too, Danielle." The man said sternly, turning back to the papers he was going through. 

Danielle took the papers from Amy, handing them to Philip. "First page is class list, in hourly order, with times, classroom numbers, emails, and names. Next paper is just time and number and class name. Next paper is a list of supplies you may need." She glanced over Philips shoulder at his backpack, her smile widening. "But I don't think you'll need that. If you need anything else just come by the office, I'm Dannie, that's Amy, and the grumpy-"

The man groaned.

"And the grumpy man in the corner is Eric Sullivan, our vice principle." Danielle patted Philips back. "I'll see you around, Phil."

Philip forced a smile, waving and nodding goodbye, before turning around and walking to the door. He had to hold back a groan and stop himself from rolling his eyes when she called him Phil. He had no idea why everyone he ever met just assumed that that nickname is cute and that he'd like it. As he was walking towards the door a deep voice boomed through the office. 

Sullivan.

"You can't just let the boy walk out. He'll get lost."

"Eric, I'm sure he won't get lost, he's been to school before." Amy smiled, clicking a pen. That's when Philip noticed her pretty french tips. They suited her. She was gentle, of course she'd have pretty nails. As if nails had to do with anyone's character, Philip was just reading into things at this point.

"Call someone from the student council or something. Someone that can show him around." Eric rattled off the orders, already bending over another desk and sifting through a new stack of folders and papers. 

Danielle rested her hands on her hips, seemingly glaring out the big window in the front of the office. After a few seconds of staring and silence she gasped and rushed towards the office doors, her heels clicking across the floor. She flung the door open, leaning out. "Noah!" 

A boy turned around in the sea of people, forcing himself through the group. He had a lacrosse stick that was black and white clinging onto his backpack. His backpack was cherry red and the only reason it didn't look horrible was because the only color Noah was wearing was black. A black sweatshirt and dark black jeans along with all black converse. He had black thick rimmed glasses and Philip was about to start questioning if the entire town was simply just blind. He had full lips like Philip and blue eyes like Lukas, except Lukas' eyes were more like the sky whereas Noah's was more like the ocean, deeper, darker. He stepped into the office, squeezing past Danielle.

"I haven't missed a practice, Coach Wilkins always forgets to do attendance." Noah sighed, raking his fingers through his dark hair. 

Danielle laughed, shaking her head. "No, we know that, don't worry." She reached out, ruffling his hair. "I just need you to show Philip around to his classes, he's new." She glanced at Philip who wasn't smiling.. or really showing much of any emotion. Next, she turned her eyes back to Noah, who had a small smile playing on his lips.

"Yeah, I'll do it." Noah reached forward, grabbing the stapled papers from Philips hand, flipping through them. "Come on." He walked towards the door.

Philip followed, quickly, shoving away any thoughts about how cute Noah was. He shouldn't distract himself even more.. besides, in a way it felt like he was cheating on Lukas. But they hadn't done anything. Lukas had a girlfriend. This was totally fine. "Are my classes that interesting?" 

Noah glanced up, his gorgeous eyes scanning over Philip. "What?"

"We're in the hall, with tons of people, and you haven't looked up from my papers once." Philip was already mentally kicking himself so hard he winced because lord, that pick up line, if it even counted, ever. 

Noah smirked, shaking his head. "Are you hitting on me?"

"W-what?" Philip choked on air, coughing a few times. "What would make you.."

"Philip-"

"I'm not even-"

"Dude."

"What?"

"I'm not weirded out." Noah swiped his tongue across his top lip, looking Philip up and down again. "You're cute."

Philip ignored his cheeks heating up. "So you aren't gonna beat me?"

"I won't. I don't know about anyone else here." Noah shrugged, keeping his eyes on Philip. "We have English, lunch, gym, and Math together." 

"Cool."

"Which means we're gonna become friends." 

"Oh?" Philip raised an eyebrow, looking ahead of them, biting his cheek. They walked silently for a few seconds and while they walked Philips eyes fell upon Lukas. 

Lukas was leaning against his locker, talking to a boy in a football jersey and another guy in a simple black shirt. Lukas must've felt Philips eyes on him because he glanced up, looking at Philip, then Noah, then back at Philip. He shut his locker, walking towards Philip, the two boys following him. Once he got next to Philip he brushed their shoulders together. 

Philip glanced back, of course, Lukas didn't.

"You know about him?" Philip asked, pointing back at Lukas.

"He's straight."

"No, I mean, he came over to Helen and Gabes Friday and.. I don't know." Philip shrugged. "I just wanted to learn about him."

"He's Lukas, he's into motocross and that's about it. Most people aren't even sure if he likes his girlfriend, they aren't that close minus holding hands and a few kisses." Noah flipped the page over, raising an eyebrow. "Why do they have the same thing printed on every page?"

Philip kept his eyes over his shoulder, looking at Lukas until he turned down the hall. "One has names and emails, one just has times or something."

"Huh." Noah flipped the page over again, smiling at someone across the hall. He walked towards a set of lockers where a girl with a high pony tail and a cheer uniform was standing. He poked her side, his smile turning into a grin when she turned around. "Hey." 

The girl smiled, leaning against her locker, her books pressed to her chest with her arms crossed over them. "Hi, Noah." She was what you'd imagine a cheerleader to look like. Tight, high pony tail that was perfect, not a hair out of place. Thin. Short. Probably only five foot three or four. 

"I'm showing the new kid around, you wanna meet him."

Great. Noah is treating him like show and tell. 

The girl smiled, her eyes effortlessly falling on Philip. It couldn't have been hard, he looked like a deer in the headlights. She skipped over, her hair bouncing in time with her skips. "Hi, I'm Clara." Philip could tell if she wasn't holding books. 

"Philip."

"Hi, Philip." She turned when Noah joined them, nudging him. "I hope Noah has been a good tour guide."

Philip smiled, half heartedly. "Yeah, he has, don't worry."

She nodded. "Good." Turning around confidently, she began to walk, probably just assuming that since they were walking that way already.

"Are you guys.." Philip pointed at Clara then Noah, his eyebrows knitting together.

Clara turned around. "How dare you assume I'm straight!" She was loud but it wasn't angry. Probably just some joke that Philip was over reacting to.

Noah chuckled. "We'd never date, no matter how in love she is with me." He walked up to her, turning around and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "I'm bi. She's gay."

She flashed a smile. "And I'm dating the valedictorian."

Philip nodded, biting his lip.

"He's gay." Noah added, beginning his way back towards the classrooms at the end of the hall.

"Don't try with any of the guys here, they're a waste of time." 

"Hey!" Noah turned around, poking Clara's side.

"Fine, Noah is okay, I guess." Clara smiled at him, lovingly. 

They were like siblings, Philip thought. He wished he had someone to be that close to.

Noah smirked, glancing back at Philip. "I am beyond okay."

Clara flicked the back of his head. "You don't even know him, keep it in your pants."

Noah groaned. "He's gonna be hanging out with us, so yeah, I'll get to know him."

"What classes?" She glanced back at Philip, taking his paper, gasping and smiling. "We have lunch, Biology and English together." 

Philip nodded, feeling even more anxiety leave his body. It was stupid but it felt good knowing he'd have at least two people he knew in the school. Well, three, but Lukas didn't seem to want to be near Philip today. 

A blonde boy walked towards them next, he slung an arm around Clara, smiling. "Hey, Claire Bear."

Clara groaned. "God, every day I think I can't hate you more and every day you prove me wrong."

The boy smiled wider, winking at her. "We all know you love me."

"Hardly." She replied, glancing back at Philip. "This is Dylan." 

Dylan waved lazily. "You new?"

Philip nodded.

Dylan nodded as well, pursing his lips. "Cool."

Clara stopped at the door on the right. It was labeled room 203. Philip stepped up behind Noah and Dylan, peeking over their shoulders. The room was light blue with chipped paint all over the walls, well, actually it was more in places where there weren't paintings and other projects hung. Art class. Philip made a silent note in his mind.

Clara twirled her hair on her finger, smiling, tilting her head to the side. "Well, this is my spot."

"Have fun being a.." Dylan raised his fingers, doing air quotes. " 'unique and different' girl, even though every teenage girl does this." 

Clara grabbed the door handle, twisting it. "Okay, druggie guitar player."

Dylan winked, clicking his tongue and pointing at her. "You won this round."

Clara just rolled her eyes, opened the door and stepped inside the room, walking to a desk.

Noah took the paper that Clara had laid back in Philips arms, looking down at it. "You have history first. Come on, it's at the end of the hall." 

Philip nodded, following silently. "So.."

"Are you the kind of foster kid that tries to kill their foster parents?" Dylan asked, running his fingers through his hair, biting his lip, his lip ring sticking out.

Philip made a face but Noah was the one to reply.

"Dude, you don't just ask that." Noah scoffed. "Then he'll kill you."

"Shit." Dylan looked at Philip before shrugging. "Eh, I could take him."

Philip groaned, leaning his head back. "I'm not killing anyone, guys, come on."

"But you came from the city, you must have like a shank on you." Dylan sifted through his pockets, pulling out a cigarette carton. 

He's one of those guys, Philip thought. "No, I didn't even get into fights."

"So you're a whimp?"

Philip rolled his eyes, looking down at his paper. Room 200. He glanced up, looking to his left. Perfect. "At least I don't carry a empty box of cigarettes to carry around and try to look cool." He walked into the classroom, not turning around. Not even when he heard Noah and Dylan whisper behind him. He sat down at a desk in the far back, giving the teacher a nod of acknowledgement. He opened up one of his spiral notebooks after he dug it out of his backpack along with a pencil and opened it. 

The bell rang. 

The day started.

The day went by surprisingly fast, probably because the entire day, hour after out, Philip had people filling his brain with lists and page numbers and dates and everything in between. Lunch was okay, Philip sat with Clara, Noah, and Dylan. A few other people, too, but he didn't talk much so they didn't feel the need to even introduce the other people. The end of the day was okay, too, mostly because it was the end of the day, gym, art, and another class, probably math, Philip didn't really know, his brain is kind of on overdrive. Walking home was boring just like it was that morning, except this time Lukas actually texted him. Actually, he didn't text him, he just replied to all the texts Philip had sent that morning. It wasn't anything special, in fact it was really shallow and bland. Just asking each other how their day was and what they were doing and making plans to film tomorrow after school. 

It was stupid, the fact that Lukas' reply made his heart jump out his chest, but he couldn't help it. But Noah said that Lukas was straight. He should get over it. And he was getting there when Lukas asked him him a certain question. 

From: Lukas   
So you're friends with Noah 

To: Lukas   
Yeah 

To: Lukas   
why 

From: Lukas   
He's just an asshole 

Is he just an asshole because he isn't you? No, that's stupid, Lukas wouldn't be jealous. 

To: Lukas   
OK

From: Lukas   
Okay

Philip only shook his head and stuffed his phone back into his pocket. The sun was setting and the smell of dinner was floating through the air as Philip stepped out of his room. Helen and Gabe were talking softly in the kitchen, probably about him, but to be honest he didn't care. He was used to the whispers, everyone did it around him eventually and what they're saying he's probably already hurt a thousand times, so it didn't matter. When he appeared in the doorway, Gabe looked up and smiled. 

"Evening, dinner is almost ready. How was your first day at school?" Gabe rested his hands on the table, leaning down on them.

Helen didn't look up. She didn't care. Philip wasn't offended anyway. 

"Tiring." Philip sighed, sitting down at the table, crossing his arms, resting his head on top of them.

Gabe forced a chuckle. "I think that's how it is with every new experience."

Philip nodded, just to save the breath of trying to explain that no, it wasn't just that, every aspect of Philips life is tiring. He is tired.

So he closed his eyes and waited for dinner to be ready.


	12. Chapter 12

The morning wasn't eventful on Tuesday, mostly just a painful kind of awkward. Gabe made waffles and left them on the kitchen table before leaving to an emergency with someone's dog or something. Philip felt bad for not really caring, but Gabe seemed to be good so he probably didn't even need to worry. But he was worrying about something, multiple things actually, like the fact he was spending the morning alone with Helen, a woman who seemingly hates him and only has known him since Friday. Now, Philip isn't cocky, but he didn't think he seemed that bad, especially when he'd been nothing but polite. But Helen was a cop, sheriff, but same thing, so teenage boys were probably the worst part of her job. But like Philip said, Helen wasn't the only thing he was worried about.

He was also really worried about school. Yeah, the classes were kind of busy and fast paced, but school ends only in a few months, Philip can't expect it to be easy, but it was still a massive headache. But the thing that was way worse than teachers and school work was Noah and Cara and Dylan. Were they really friends? Or was Noah just being nice? Noah and Philip did trade numbers and text a little last night, which was good, except for the small, nagging voice in the back of his mind, telling him that Noah actually was bad and Lukas really was right. But Lukas didn't even talk to him at school, hell, Lukas barely looker at him, so fuck him. Philip deserved friends, real friends, even if Lukas wasn't one of them.

The thought of Lukas not being his friend made Philip feel sick, but Philip ignored it and kept eating. It was stupid to be so hung up on someone he'd only known for barely four days. Not even a week. Maybe it was the abuse. Maybe it was the abandonment issues. Maybe he was just using it all as an excuse. That's something he always worried about, using the abuse as some kind of excuse. He tried his hardest, pushing himself as far as he could, just barely hovering over the line of breaking. He couldn't break, especially not now. He has no one, not his mom, not Helen or Gabe, and sure as hell not Lukas. He needed to be strong for himself for once, but he wasn't sure if he could do it.

The walk to school was boring, like everything else in that town, but if he said that he'd sound like some shitty teenage movie about a quiet town and then suddenly there's a murder. No, that wasn't Philips life, that wasn't his story. His life wasn't boring, pretty sure abuse was anything but that, but his life wasn't exciting enough to make walking to school fun.

Excitement was always a weird word to Philip. People always act as if excitement is some amazing thing, like a good surprise, or the good kind of anxiety you feel before a party. Anything but bad is what Philip had been taught, excitement was a good thing. But it got confusing when he was 13, and Todd would ask him of he was excited for something, like for him to touch him again, or for him to drag Philip over to his druggie friends homes. He was never excited for that, he wasn't excited for anything that had to do with Todd. Then again it got confusing when his mother asked if he was excited for court, only to be told that he was lying and that all he got was restraining order. Lastly, it happened with all the social workers. 'Are you excited to meet your new foster parents?' They'd ask cheerfully. 'No.' Is what he would always think, but he never told them that. After all, he should be excited.. maybe Philip just didn't understand excitement.

When Philip walked up to the school he saw Noah and Clara immediately, standing next to a few other people. One girl had short curly blonde hair and pale skin, the girl next to her had waist long, straight, brown hair. The two girls were holding hands, as if it was casual. As of the other people, there was a boy. He had a buzz cut and dark skin, he was taller than everyone there and he was holding a football that seemed so small in his hands. Next was another boy, one Philip slightly recognized. Yeah, Philip new him, that boys name was Jasper Cook, he was in his English class. Philip was kind of thankful that Clara saw him and waved him over. Her hair was pulled back tight and neat, matching the cheerleader uniform she was wearing that didn't have a wrinkle on it.

"Stacey, Emma, Justin, Jasper.." Clara began, wrapping her arm loosely around Philips neck. "This is Philip, he's new to Red Hook and new to our group."

Emma waved first, a smile appearing on her face. "Hi, Philip, I hope everything has been going good."

Philip didn't want to be negative, he couldn't, not to such a sweet person who had no idea what was going on. Or maybe she did and that's why she's being nice. He went with the ladder. "It has, it's just a bit stressful."

"I totally get it." Justin chimed in, holding his football in both hands. "I transfered from my last school about a half hour away over here near the end of the year and it was hell." 

Jessica rolled her eyes. "You're probably giving him more anxiety."

Philip shook his head. "Don't worry, he isn't."

Clara smiled, giving Philip a squeeze, almost as if to remind him she was holding onto him. "Now you've met everyone in our group. It's pretty tight knit, so you should be honored."

"Yeah.." Noah chuckled. "Because we're so cool. She's making us sound all cut throat, basically Jessica, Emma, Dylan and I have all been friends since middle school. Clara and I became friends freshman year and she just joined. Jasper joined this year since all of his precious friends graduated last year. Justin joined sophomore year when Clara and him got put together for a project."

Philip nodded, not really sure why he was being told all of this. "Cool."

Clara hooked arms with Philip, resting her head on his shoulder. "Want me to walk you to class?"

"But your classroom is before mine." Philip mumbled, looking down at her.

"It's what friends do." She started to pull him towards the building. "You're friends with us now, so don't worry, you won't look like a freak anymore."

Philip raised an eyebrow. "Anymore?" 

"Well, considering you told me how you talked to Rose that could've ended bad. She's like... the queen and if she didn't like something you said or how you said it she could've told everyone not to talk to you."

"And?"

"And they'd believe it."

Philip laughed, softly. "Glad I didn't piss her off then."

"And her boyfriend, Lukas, is a real big asshole. He's super cocky."

Philip chose to stay silent. He didn't want to believe it but.. considering he'd walked past Lukas a few times yesterday and he didn't say shit, is kind of an asshole thing to do. 

"It's better to just avoid them, they're like some deadly power couple. Lukas is popular and cool. Rose is pretty and smart." Clara babbled, waving her arms around as if her movements were helping move the story along. 

"Mhm." Philip looked around the hall as they stepped into the school, trying to find Lukas. 

Lukas was leaning against a few lockers, Rose next to him. They were a beautiful couple, honestly, and that's what made Philip feel sick. There wasn't anything wrong. Lukas liked her. Rose liked him. Everyone liked them together. And even on the slim chance that Lukas somehow did like Philip, it'd end bad, because Rose would be mad. And Rose could end him.

"So you think it's best to just stay away?" Philip asked, tearing his eyes off of the couple.

"Oh, yeah, definitely. They'll get into your head and distract you and stuff. Kinda like aliens." Clara grinned.

Philip nodded again, taking a deep breath. It would be best to stay away. But what if ones already in your head? 

The first hour went by painfully slow. They were reviewing for a test that Philip could make up a week from now. It'd be easy. He'd just cram or cheat. Grades weren't important to him, nothing really was. Except for stupid boys. And.. a few okay people. In his defense it was almost impossible to not like Clara. She was a sweetheart. And Noah was sweet.. unlike Lukas. Philip shook his head, clearing his thoughts. He shouldn't get attached. Not to good people or bad people. He'd be home soon, anyway. It was pointless and would just add more pain. Philip wouldn't be able to take it. So he can't get close, he can't get good grades and start working for a future, he can't get close to Helen or Gabe, or any of the kids at Red Hook, and he sure as hell can't develop feelings for anyone. His life was on hold because there is no way Philip is continuing in this hell hole.

Thinking used to be a good thing for Philip. He'd think about all the good things that would happen in his lifetime. Getting a car. Going to bookstores. Adopting dogs and having a life. But now it felt so impossible to even do any of those at this point. He was away from his only family and Helen and Gabe won't ever compare to his mom. They weren't family. Family isn't forced or painful. His mom was neither but Helen and Gabe were both. 

His second hour was English. He was with Clara along with three people he just met. Emma, Jessica and James. When he walked into the room he had to freeze. The room was full of a perfume like smell, probably some sort of air freshener that the teacher drowns her class in every hour. He held back a cough and stepped inside, looking around for Clara. 

He hated to admit it but Clara reminded him of his mother. Was that weird? She was just gentle and happy and his mother was always smiling even when the worst things were happening. Maybe he was just desperate to find something good and he was reading into everything.

The classroom had 24 desks, each pushed together into groups of four. James was in the first row, his notebook already open and his pencils sharpened and neat. Jessica and Emma were in the group behind James, talking and holding hands underneath the table. Philip wished he had someone to do that with, even if it was sneaking around. It was still love. Lastly, Clara was sitting in one of the back groups of table and Philip could swear he saw her face light up when she saw him. She waved him over, her pony tail swaying as she moved.

Philip sat his books down on the desk next to her, sitting down nervously. "Is this okay? Does anyone sit here?"

"Well, this table is normally empty, I used to sit up with James, but I asked Mrs. Andrews if you and I could sit back here so I could help you catch up."

Philip felt a blush settle on his cheeks. "You don't have to. I can do just fine on my own."

"Well, I'm staying back here, so if you need help just ask." Clara slid her hands across the desk, grabbing a pink glittery spiral notebook up and pulled it closer to her. She grabbed her pencil bag, pulling out a black mechanical pencil, clicking some lead out and writing the date on the top of a new piece of paper in the book.

Philip watched her for a few more seconds before grabbing his own spiral, opening it up and writing the date. "Is this class hard?"

"Not at all. We already finished our grammar last semester so this is all novels and poetry." She grinned. "It's Emma's favorite class so get ready to never hear the end of it." 

Philip found himself smiling and for only one reason. He had friends. "Okay." And the bell rang.

English was easy. All Mrs. Andrews did was talk about famous poets like Emily Dickinson and Robert Frost. And Clara was right, Emma wouldn't stop talking about it, but Philip didn't care. He actually liked it. He liked walking down the hall with Emma in the front, her long hair bouncing as she walked and her excitedly telling the group all kinds of trivia about poetry. He loved looking at the way Jessica watched Emma with eyes full of only love and he loved the way James kept messing with Clara's hair only to get her to smile because she got a C instead of a B on her English paper. He loved being part of a group. This was better than any family he'd ever felt.

Third hour was biology and if the whispers in the hallway were correct that meant today was one of the dissection. Philip prayed otherwise. He wasn't squeamish, not at all, he loved looking at dead things when he was a kid as odd as it sounds but the way he feels right now wouldn't help. The temptation to hurt himself again was so strong it was almost impossible to shower last night without grabbing a razor and ending it all. Clara and Emma were both in biology so they showed him where it was but Clara wasn't sitting near him in that class. She was the very first desk, sharing it with some kid Philip had seen Lukas talk to in the hallway. Luckily, Emma sat in front of him and she seemed so uninterested in her partner it made Philip feel bad for the guy. He was in a jersey, presumably football, considering they're almost always the dicks with James as the exception. Or was that stereotyping? Philip didn't care. 

The football player was the first to speak. "How's you and your girlfriend?"

Emma seemed to tense but Philip hadn't figured out why yet. She was always so proud to be with Jessica, what could change that? "We're fine."

"You guys talked about my offer yet?'

Philip felt his stomach drop. Yeah, that guy was definitely an asshole, the harassing kind.

"No, we don't want your crusty dick. We're lesbians."

"That's kinda rude. To exclude all men like that. I'm sure if you tried it, you'd like it."

"If a hot movie star can't change my mind I doubt your three inch dick could." She scoffed. "Now leave me alone."

"I could make you like it." The guy smirked.

"Derek. I said it once and I'll say it a hundred times more. Fuck. Off."

"I'm not scared of you or your little dyke girlfriend." Derek was grinning, it reminded Philip of Todd.

"Jesus Christ.." 

"I'd rape you strai-" 

Philip didn't give him time to finish his sentence. Philip had picked up all his folders and books, including the one English text, and slammed it down on the back of Dereks head, then again on his back. "Leave her alone, you asshole." He dropped the books back down on his desk, putting his head down. He could feel the eyes on him, but he didn't care. Emma didn't deserve that, no one did.

When the teacher came back into the room they began class easily. Derek was too embarrassed to tell anyone, considering he got beat by the new kid and didn't even put up a fight. They were doing dissection but Philip didn't have to, since he missed the last week or preparation for it. 

Next was lunch, which Philip skipped. He didn't want to eat and he wasn't really hungry at all. He was still fuming from biology when he sat his books down. The only person at the table was Jessica, Jasper was there, too, but he was rushing to finish homework for his next class. Philip just kept his eyes on the table, playing with his hands, only stopping when he felt someone touch his hand. When he looked up his saw Jessica.

"Hm?" Philip mumbled.

"I wanted to say thanks.." Jessica muttered, as if she was ashamed. "That guy has been messing with us for like ever, he used to harass Emma, always grab her ass and chest, the teachers didn't do anything but blame her. When he found out we were together he started asking to join our relationship and he always flirted and we just couldn't get him to stop."

For once in a long time, Philip reciprocated the touch. He squeezed her hand. "You guys don't deserve that at all. I'll gladly do it daily if it gets it through his thick skull that if straight girls won't date him gay girls sure as hell won't either."

Jessica smiled. "Still, thanks."

Emma wrapped her arms around Jessica's shoulders, kissing her cheek. "I got you lunch." She set her tray down, showing double of almost everything, grinning. 

Jasper looked up, his hair falling in front of his eyes. "Can I have the yogurt?"

Jessica tossed it to him. "Have at it." 

Noah joined them next with James not far behind. Noah sat down next to Jessica, Emma on the other side of her. James sat down next to Emma in between her and Philip. Jasper was on the other side of Philip with two chairs between him and Noah. 

"Does anyone want my burger?" James asked.

Jaspers hand shot up, grabbing it off of his tray. "Thanks, dude."

James smiled. "No problem."

"Why aren't you eating it?" Noah asked.

"I don't know, man, coach says I need to watch myself." James shrugged.

Clara stepped up to the table, setting her tray down. "Make sure you eat an apple or a banana or something. Not eating makes you heavier, just eat better."

"Thanks, doctor Phil." James laughed.

"I.. don't think that's what doctor Phil does for a living." Emma mumbled, snickering.

The rest of the table laughed, including Philip.

Dylan was the last to show up and Philip would be lying if he said he wasn't happy about it. Dylan was a dick, Philip wasn't sure how he made it into a friend group like this with a personality like his. He didn't say anything when sat down and Philip was thankful. 

Clara elbowed Philip. "Dylan is gonna show you where the gym is, since you have it after lunch."

Philip ignored the part mentioning Dylan. "Did you memorized my schedule?"

Clara nodded.

"She's the mom friend." Jasper muttered.

"I didn't sign up to show him around, that was all you two." Dylan scoffed. "I'm not doing it."

James nudged Philip. "Don't worry, I have gym too, I'll show you." 

Philip nodded, keeping his eyes on the others and off of Dylan.

Lunch ended too soon. Not as if it was anything important but it was nice to watch. It was nice seeing all the people happy and just carefree. Philip envied and admired it at the same time. After all, Emma dealt with stuff too, and she's all smiles. Maybe having friends wouldn't be so bad.

Gym wasn't anything either. The boys were playing lacrosse outside despite how cloudy it was, but Philip just stayed in the locker room until he heard the door open and all the boys stomping and talking filled the room. He sneaked out quickly and back into the hall making his way towards room 203. Art. 

Art was another class Philip had with Emma and for once he actually hoped to get closer to her. Maybe she could talk about books with him or something. The art room was an ugly cream color but a little too yellow to be cream. There were no desks in groups like in English, instead they were in rows like in History. Emma sat in the back corner and Philip took a deep breath and walked over, sitting next to her, any care about if anyone sat in that desk leaving his mind.

"Hey," he started, anxiety filling his body once more. "What kind of art class is this?"

"It's just.. well we started simple, last semester we learned about sketching and shading and shadows, but right now it's just doing your own project. Do you wanna see mine?" Emma grinned.

Philip nodded, watching her as she got up and walked over to a stack of papers, pulling out a black piece of paper. It surprised Philip, he thought Emma would draw something pretty and pink.

Emma walked over to her desk, laying the paper out. On the paper was a white bed, with red paint splattered all over it and the rest of the paper. On top of the dried red paint were different letters in different styles from different magazines spelling out the words 

I WAS ONLY A CHILD 

Philip felt his breath catch in his throat. "I'm so sorry.." 

Emma smiled a sad smile, running her fingers through my hair. "It was my biological dad.." 

Philip looked down at his hands. "It was my mom's boyfriend." 

Emma's eyes didn't leave Philip for at few seconds. "Look at us.. we're trauma buddies." She joked with a dry laugh.

Philip felt himself getting closer to people and he also felt the pain begin. The pain of knowing he'll have to leave these people behind. He just smiled and nodded.

Math was nothing important. Noah was in that class, thankfully, because Philip had found himself missing Noah this morning. Jessica also had math with them, too. The math teacher wasn't there today, it was some young substitute named Edward and of course a few of the girls in the class made Twilight jokes. 

Jessica only said one thing when that happened. "Emma read the books when she was 11.. now she always goes on about how Edward and Bella's relationship fills the checklist of abusive traits into a relationship."

If Philip was honest with himself they really did nothing. Jessica studied so she didn't have more homework to do after swim practice while Noah just snapchatted people. When the bell finally rang the entire class scurried out quickly, while Philip stayed behind, checking his phone. 

That's when it buzzed and a painfully familiar name flashed across the screen.

From: Lukas   
Meet me in the gym


	13. Chapter 13

Walking to the gym was hectic, just because it was dismissal. Kids were crowding the halls closest to the front doors while others were filing into different classrooms for clubs and locker rooms for sports. He hated it. How loud it was. He never liked loud noises, they made him jump, hell, even notebooks dropping in a quiet classroom damn near gives him a heart attack. Holding onto the strap of his backpack tightly, he turned down a more empty hall, heading towards the locker room.

Clara was in the hall, leaning against a group of lockers, another girl next to her. Probably her girlfriend. Philip hadn't met her yet, Clara just says that she's busy, bring valedictorian and all. The girl she was standing next to was tall, probably because of the black heels she was sporting along with her jeans and tank top she was in. Clara was holding a jacket, it was most likely the girls, too. She had long silver looking hair and nice neat nails that were painted white, not a chip to be seen. Philip must've been staring because Clara seemed to notice him.

"Philip." Clara peeked around the girl, waving. "Hey." 

Philip waved back. "Hi." 

The girl turned, smiling at him. "Oh? So you're the new kid. I'm surprised we haven't met yet." She closed her locker, walking down to Philip, extending her hand, the bracelets on her wrist clicking together and matching the sound of her heels on the floor. "I'm Alexandria. You can call me Alex."

"Or Alexis." Clara added, hooking arms with Alex.

Alex smirked, shaking her head. "No, that's only you. Anyway, hi, if you need anything just tell me. Okay?"

Philip nodded. "Yeah, okay." He waved a little, stepping past the two and walking down the hall. The noise was dying down the closer he got to the gym, thankfully. The locker rooms were mostly made out of concrete, probably for safety reasons in case a tornado hit, but Philip didn't care. It made things quieter. And he needed it. 

Tugging open the gym doors, he leaned against it, not stepping in. The door was heavy and painted bright red, but you wouldn't be able to tell considering the fact that only a few of the lights were turned on. Philip pulled his phone out of his back pocket, turning on the flashlight and walking further in. Lukas was on the other end of the huge gym, near the doors that lead outside towards the track, the soccer field, and the football field. His silhouette was outlined almost perfectly with the bright sunshine sneaking in through the windows. It was almost magical, the way he looked in the lighting. Philips hands itched to take a photo, so he shut off the flashlight app and transferred to the camera app quickly, stopping and standing, taking a few photos, before continuing his way towards Lukas. 

"Take a picture, it lasts longer." Lukas muttered.

"I think you're a little late on saying that. I've already taken like 10." Philip slipped his phone back into his pocket, walking up to Lukas, leaning against the door with him. "You ready?"

He shrugged. "I guess. You can leave your bike here, right?"

"I doubt anyone is going to steal a bike. It's not like it's fancy or anything." 

Lukas nodded, pushing open the gym doors, walking out into the back parking lot, his feet stomping loudly on the pavement. "So, I thought we could go to the same place we did a few days ago."

Philip nodded, walking a few feet behind Lukas. "What classes do you have?" 

"In order?"

He nodded again.

"English. Biology. Gym. History. Study hall. Math."

"But you weren't in my math class."

"I'm in sophomore math because I skipped so much sophomore year I didn't learn it."

"Okay."

It was silent.

"Do you think I'm stupid?"

"I think you're stupid for skipping school, not because you don't know math." Philip glanced at him as they walked around the school. "I had to take pre algebra for three years so I'm not judging." 

Lukas nodded. "I just.. don't need this stuff.. you know?"

Philip shrugged. 

"I'm good at motocross, I don't need to be in school."

"Are you serious?" 

"What?" Lukas mumbled.

"You need some school things for basic life skills. And good grades would look good for sponsors, wouldn't it?"

Lukas only glared at him. "Whatever."

"You've never had someone tell it to you straight, huh?" Philip prodded. "Well, surprise Lukas, your good looks and driving skills will only take you so far."

Lukas walked faster but he didn't move away from Philip. Instead he just turned around the school and walked towards his bike that was leaned up against the fence. "Listen, Philip, I know it might be hard for you to comprehend since you're just some poor boy in foster care, but I know what I'm doing and unlike you I'm not going to rely on everyone." He said quickly, pulling on his helmet then shoving the other helmet into Philips chest.

Philip looked at him for a few seconds, wanting nothing more than to slam his fist into Lukas' jaw and hear the bones crack together. "I figured you'd be a dick." He muttered, pulling on the helmet and climbing onto the bike.

"Right back at you, Shea." Lukas revved up the engine and drove off.

Driving must cool Lukas down because by the time they got to the field he was almost a completely different person. What started as a tense and fast drive with hard turns ended with Lukas slowing down around curves and relaxing his shoulders. It was almost a beautiful thing to see, just seeing one emotion turn into the polar opposite with just one small action. Human nature was strange, but Lukas Waldenbeck  was stranger.

Philip climbed off the bike before Lukas even shut it off, pulling his helmet off and tossing it on the ground. "Okay, so, what do you want me to film? Jumps? Tricks?" 

Lukas pulled off his own helmet and smiled as if Philip was impressing him. Philip prayed he was. He'd been Googling things about motocross since Lukas told him what it was. 

"I want you to film my tricks today. My normal videos are normally just me driving around because my girlfriend doesn't really like going in the woods. She thinks it's gross."

Philip took this as a chance to ask Lukas about his relationship. "Are you two doing okay?"

Lukas shrugged. "I don't know." He wasn't ever sure of anything. "I guess. We're still together, right?" He laughed, Philip wanted to call it a nervous laugh, but he new that he would be lying. Lukas was straight.

Philip shrugged. "I guess that's pretty good."

"You got a girlfriend or something?" 

Philip couldn't help but make a face. "No, no."

"Why? Girls not like you or something?" The way Lukas was leaning against the handle bars of his bike and smiling up at Philip should be a sin. 

"No, I just don't like girls."

It was hard not to laugh at Lukas' face. He seemed surprised but there was at glint of something else in there that Philip couldn't quite read. 

Lukas nodded, rubbing his face. "So um.. are you and Noah?" 

Philip shook his head. "No, no, we've only known each other for two days."

Lukas nodded again, running his fingers through his hair. "Would you?" 

The question caught Philip off guard. "I mean.. maybe? I don't think I'll stick around here long enough to get with anyone."

"What?" Lukas looked him in the face, the first time he had since he came out. 

"What do you mean what?"

"I thought Helen and Gabe were like buying you."

"It's called adopting."

"Whatever. I thought they were adopting you." 

"They aren't." Philip shook his head. "They wouldn't." But that doesn't matter.

"So you're leaving?"

Philip nodded. "Yeah, I'll probably go back home."

"Why?"

"Because my mom will get me. She just has to go to court and prove that she's fit to take care of me. Our next court date is in a month, on March 15th." Philip explained. "And if the judge gives the okay, I'll go back home."

Lukas nodded, but his face still hadn't changed. He seemed angry. "But.. why do you want to leave?"

"It's my mom, Lukas, why wouldn't I want to leave?"

"Because you have me here. And all those freaks that you're friends with."

Philip glared at him. "What?"

"I didn't mean it like that."

"You're such an idiot." Philip backed up. "Put your helmet on and ride off before I hit you."

Lukas sighed, pulling his helmet on and revving the engine and riding a little ways down the hill. 

Philip kneeled down in the grass, shaking his head to get the thoughts of Lukas actually wanting him to stay out of his mind. He was reading too much into these things. Lukas just needed someone to film videos for him, that's why he was worried. With thoughts pounding around in his head, Philip raised the phone in front of his face, zooming in on Lukas, and focusing. 

He almost felt bad for insulting Lukas and saying he needed school, because Lukas was one hell of a rider. His jumps were high and flawless and his tricks were, too. But he wasn't going to tell him that. He wasn't going to back down before Lukas or even back down and Lukas doesn't. Taking things back didn't work anyway, what was said had been said and there was nothing either of them could do to change it.

"How did it look?" Lukas asked once he pulled up close to Philip and pulled his helmet off.

"Great. I got really good footage. I'll edit it together and send it to you later." Philip replied, shutting his phone off and laying back on the grass.

"You aren't gonna go back home?"

"That house isn't home."

Lukas nodded. "I get that.. you just wanna stay here?"

Philip could feel Lukas' eyes on him. "Until the sun starts to set. You can go, though." He prayed he wouldn't leave.

"I'll stay. It's not like I have anything else to do." Lukas glanced at him again, biting his lip. "What's it like?"

"What's what like?"

The earth was quiet around them.

"Being.. you."

"What's it like being gay?"

Lukas shrugged. They both knew that's what he was asking.

"It's.. nothing special. I just love boys instead of girls, it isn't as big of a deal as people make it seem." 

"You ever loved a boy?" Lukas rolled onto his side now. It reminded Philip of sharing secrets at a sleepover. 

"I don't think so, no.. I don't think I've ever stuck around one long enough to love them." Philip kept his eyes on the sky. "Plus.. guys I've been with are kinda dicks."

"Is Noah a dick?"

"Why are you asking?" Philips eyes were on Lukas now. "You already said he was one." 

Lukas seemed to be at a loss for words. "Um.. yeah." He laid back down on his back. 

"You ever been in love?"

Lukas shook his head. "No.. I.. I don't know. Rose is great.. my dad loves her and her parents love me I just.. I don't think I feel it as much as I should."

Philip couldn't take his eyes off Lukas. "Give it time."

Lukas shrugged. "We'll break up. She wants college and I was motocross."

"You can make that stuff work."

"Yeah but that's more.. that's like.. you gotta want it to work." Lukas was being more honest than he'd ever been and it was terrifying.

"You don't want it to work?"

Lukas sat up, rubbing his face. "I don't know I.. I just don't know, alright?"

Philip nodded, raising his hands in defense. "It's okay to not know yet.. no one is asking you to know."

"But they want you to." Lukas sighed. "They just don't say it. But you can tell."

"Fine.. then I don't want you to know yet. You're 17, you have time." Philip tried to smile but it wasn't a good one.

Lukas studied Philips face for a few seconds before nodding. "Yeah.. okay, fine." 

"You don't like letting people in, huh?"

"Says the mysterious new kid."

"You've known me for less than a week. No one tells there secrets before then."

"Would you tell me yours?" Lukas kept his eyes on Philip.

Philip nodded, his eyes on Lukas. "I.. maybe.." A smile spread across his face, one bigger and brighter than before. He leaned down a little. "Would you tell me yours?" 

Lukas nodded, propping himself up on his elbows, their faces only inches apart. Philip wanted to close the gap. He prayed Lukas felt the same way and that it was just one of his secrets. 

"Do you have a lot?" Philip leaned closer. He would let Lukas close the gap if he wanted to. 

Lukas nodded, reaching up a little before stopping himself. "Too many."

"Huh."

"You're right.. talking.." He smiled. "Isn't my thing."

"Then.." Philip looked down at Lukas' lips, licking his own. "What is your thing?" 

Lukas took a deep breath, his eyes falling down to Philips lips.

Please close the gap, Philip prayed, his body was aching for it. 

Lukas' finger tips danced across his arm, then up his shoulder then his cheek, setting a fire to Philips nerves. He leaned closer, their noses brushing together. "This.." 

"Is this another secret?" 

Lukas didn't answer, well, he did, by closing the gap between them. It started off gentle and slow, Lukas' lips barely touching Philips. Then it turned faster and harder. Biting and nipping, hands in hair and digging into skin. Lukas' back slammed into the grass then Philips, Lukas settling between Philips hips, sliding his hands up Philips chest above his short. He gripped it as if he was dying, Philip felt like he was. Philip pushed up against him, his hips gliding up against Lukas' stomach, one of Lukas' hands tangling in Philips hair. They only pulled away to breathe when they began to feel light headed.

Lukas and Philip laid there, panting, neither one of them moving, their bodies still pressed together, hands still clinging.

The earth was still and so were they.

Philip was the first one to break the silence. "What am I to you?"

"A secret." Lukas whispered, their lips brushing together again.

Lukas left after that, leaving Philip to walk home. Philip didn't mind, he'd ridden with Lukas while he was mad and it wasn't something he'd want to do again. His body missed the warmth of Lukas' hands and lips on him and his head buzzed. Walking was hard considering his head was spinning and his legs felt weak. Why did this happen to him? Why not have Noah do it? Someone that hasn't been in his head all the time. Someone who wasn't taken, god, Lukas was taken and he just kissed Philip. And Philip kissed back. 

It took almost a half an hour to get home on foot, but Philip couldn't tell. It could've taken a day and he wouldn't notice. There was only one thing on his mind. 

He was a secret.


	14. Chapter 14

Philip didn't even bother texting Lukas this morning. He'd been ignoring all of Philips texts last night, them obviously being read every time he sent one. It wasn't worth the trouble, Lukas obviously didn't know what he wanted and Philip sure as hell wasn't going to waste his time waiting for him to figure it out. Walking down the hall for breakfast was always nerve wracking, especially when he didn't know who was going to be in the kitchen. Thankfully, today it was Gabe. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and a newspaper, reading through it.

Philip tried his hardest to be quiet as he walked into the kitchen but it didn't work. 

Gabe lowered the newspaper and smiled a warm smile at Philip. "Good morning, Philip, did you sleep good?"

Philip shrugged. "I slept good just not enough...catching up is kinda hard." He sat down across from Gabe, studying the placemat in front of him.

"I can understand that. If you need any help I'm here for you."

Philip could tell Gabe meant more than just school work. "Thank you.." He hated talking about these things. "So.. what's for breakfast?" 

"Bacon and toast with jelly. The bacon is cooling right now." 

"And Helen?"

Gabe smiled a little. "She'll be in here in a minute, don't worry."

How can Philip tell him he was more worried about Helen coming and not worried about her missing breakfast? He didn't worry about it too much, instead he stood up and got himself a glass of water, sipping at it. As long as it looked like he was drinking Gabe couldn't ask any more things and expect an answer. It didn't take long for Helen to come out in her uniform, belt on and everything. Only took about five minutes, actually. Philip could feel her eyes digging into his skin, seeing right through him and into Gabe.

"What's for breakfast?" Helen asked as she made herself her own cup of coffee.

"Bacon and toast. I know you hate jelly." Gabe smiled, kissing Helens lips quickly when she walked past and set her coffee cup down. "I'll make everyone some plates." He stood up, his chair creaking along with the wooden floor as he walked to the kitchen counter. He got two plates from the shelf above the sink, setting them out, putting three pieces of bacon on each then putting two pieces of toast. "Philip."

"Hm?" Philip jerked his head to the side, the loud noises still startling him. He wasn't used to the morning being so loud, his mom was never up. 

"What kind of jelly would you like? I have strawberry, blueberry, raspberry, and grape?" Gabe talked calmer as if he sensed Philips anxiety.

"Strawberry." He mumbled, rubbing his arms. "Thank you." He mumbled once Gabe put the plate in front of him.

The rest of breakfast was silent, well, it was for Philip. Gabe and Helen talked about what adults would classify as grown up things and while Philip understood everything they talked about he decided not to speak during it. It'd be better to avoid a conversation and leave for school as early as he could. The walk to school was just as boring and uneventful as ever, especially with no one to text. It was cold this morning, every gust of wind sending a new set of shivers down Philips spine. Leaves were scattered across the sidewalk, blowing in small circles reminding Philip of tornados every time the wind blew. It reminded him of the fall, it was his favorite season full of pumpkin patches and trick or treating. Of course he never got to do either, his Halloween consisted of going to clubs or sitting at home with his mother watching old Halloween movie reruns on Disney Channel.

Near the front of the school Philip could only see two of his friends, if he could even call them that. Emma and Justin were in the lawn, Emma in her cheer uniform and Justin in his Jersey Emma was bounding around the grass, seemingly practicing a cheer, who really knew. The closer he got he also spotted Jasper who was curled up against a tree a few yards away from the two with a book in his lap, his fingers messing with the pages he hadn't read yet. Philip didn't open his mouth to say hello when he got over there, he just waited for one of them to acknowledge that he was here. Surprisingly, it wasn't Emma who noticed, it was Justin.

"Hey, Philip, you coming to the basketball game tonight?" 

Philip looked up, raising an eyebrow. "No.. why would I?"

"Well, we all are, Clara, Alex, Dylan, Noah, Emma, Jessica, and Jasper. " Justin explained. "That's why everyone is wearing the school colors, too, it's to support the team or whatever." 

"As if they need it." Emma added, flashing a smile. It was obvious why she was a cheerleader. "You can even meet some of our friends there and stuff."

"You could meet my girlfriend." Justin replied, not to Emma, but to Philip as if their conversation was never cut into. "She's on Emma's cheer squad, her name is Lindsey.

Philip nodded, sitting down on the grass next to Jasper. "What time is it?"

"Most people get there around five but the game starts at six." Justin smiled, tossing Emma the football he was holding. It was like he took that thing everywhere. "I can take you but I gotta warn you I'm taking my little sister, too."

"What's her name?" Philip asked. 

"Amanda. I think I'm taking her friend Ryan and her friend Stephanie, too. But there's room, you can sit in the front with me." He smiled.

"Stephanie is also kinda in our friend group, she doesn't hang out with us but when we go out she goes with us and so does her girlfriend Mariana." Emma added once again. "And of course Amanda and her "friend" Ryan count as our friend group, too. It's confusing." 

The look on Justin's face easily told he didn't like his sisters "friend" so Philip decided it'd be best to just change the subject.

Philip nodded again, looking down at his lap. "It won't be like.. awkward, right?"

"Philip.." Jasper was talking now. "Everyone is the new kid at some point. Don't freak yourself out. I doubt anyone will notice anyway. We aren't really the type of group that sits up in the front and cheers the loudest." 

Philip nodded, looking at Emma once she darted across the lawn towards the sidewalk leading into the school. She was calling Rose's name and running towards her.

"Rose!" Emma called, walking up to her, hooking arms with her.

"Yeah?" Rose replied, glancing at Emma then past her at Philip, waving with her other hand.

"Is the dance team doing the basketball game tonight, too?"

"Mhm." Rose smiled.

Emma nodded, pulling away, waving to her. "See you tonight!" 

Rose only waved back in reply, walking towards a group on the other side of the lawn. It was cliché, Philip thought, he hated it. Just.. liking some guy, that's an idiot and too far out of his league and too confused to ever get with him. And God, the fact that he's popular just makes this sound like some shitty teen movie where it all ends up okay. It doesn't, it won't. 

Jessica was next to show up, her hair pulled back in a half up half down pony tail. She walked up behind Emma, wrapping her arms around her waist and kissing her cheek. 

Noah followed close behind her. "You guys are disgustingly cute." He mumbled.

"You're just jealous." Jess replied, kissing Emma's other cheek.

"We can't all be in a cute lesbian relationship, considering I'm gay, Jasper is not into anything, and James is straight."

"But James is taken." Emma replied, playing with Jess' hands. "I'll play match maker with you, Noah, don't worry." 

Dylan came all too soon that morning, his backpack hanging low on his shoulder, half open, books sticking out. "Hey, guys." He mumbled, stepping up under the tree they were near. "Bets on the game tonight?"

"We're totally gonna win." Clara was the one to say that, her books held tight to her chest as she walked over. 

"Definitely." Emma added, Jess nodding in agreement with her.

"You're paid to say that." Dylan replied. "Boys? What do you think?"

"We're winning." James muttered. "We have one of the best teams."

"Okay, meathead." Dylan muttered, slipping a cigarette into his mouth and lighting it. He glanced at Jess and Emma, rolling his eyes. "Do you really have to be so obviously gay."

"Do you really have to be so obviously homophobic." Jess scoffed, taking Emma's hand and walking off with her.

"Dude, has anyone ever told you you're a dick." Noah asked, crossing his arms, stepping towards him.

"Not today." He smirked, the cigarette bouncing as he spoke. Digging a lighter out of his jacket pocket seemed easy for him, considering he never took his eyes off of Noah. "Why are you so mad?"

"Because like it or not they're our friends and if you're gonna be a bitch about it you can fuck off." Noah said the words effortlessly, a small smile playing on his lips.

Philip couldn't help but feel good about this, Dylan had been a dick since day one, some days seeming easier than others, but he still needed to get his ass handed to him, it's the only way he'd stop.. hopefully.

"I'm not friends with a bunch of dykes."

"Good thing those dykes aren't friends with you, huh." Noah was fuming now, stepping closer to him. "This faggot isn't friends with you either." 

James was just watching and so was Jasper, his book closed neatly in his lap.

"Look.." Dylan seemed fearful, but not of what Noah could do to him, considering it isn't a lot, but he seemed scared by the words Noah was spitting. 

"Don't try and tell me it's a joke. We have to deal with this bullshit constantly from the outside world, we don't need it from here." Noah shoved him out of the way, walking towards the building. "Come on guys."

Dylan didn't like it and Philip thinks everyone around him could tell. They all knew this wasn't over. Dylan turned around, cracking his fist against Noah's jaw. Noah fell onto his back, but he didn't seem phased. A different kind of smirk played on his lips. A terrifying one. One that screamed 'you shouldn't have done that.' Noah bolted up, tackling Dylan to the ground, punching him directly into the nose. Once he pulled his hand back everyone could see the blood covering his knuckles. Dylan was starting to get up when James wrapped his arms around Noah and pulled him back.

"Guys." Clara whimpered. She seemed more pained by the fact that they were fighting than what they were fighting about. Philip almost forgot she was even there. 

James just guided Noah away, Jasper wrapping his arm around Clara as they walked. Philip was the last one into the school as he followed them, but before he stepped inside he turned around and looked at Dylan, who was just sitting on the grass, blood dropping from his nose onto his torn up jeans. Philip just turned around and walked inside.

History was more eventful today, considering the fact that they were getting split into groups of two for a create your own map project. Every group had to make their own island, complete with a capitol, a compass, rivers, lakes, and anything else you'd see on an normal map. Philip was the last to be paired up, considering that the teacher was going in alphabetical order. 

"Williams and Shea, you're together." The teacher spoke loudly but not angrily. 

A short boy looked up, nodding quickly before collecting his things and rushing towards Philips desk. He set his stuff down on the corner, sitting in the desk in front of Philip. 

"Hi.." The boy was quiet. "I'm Alex."

Philip gave a small wave. "Philip." He opened up his notebook, scribbling the date down. "Okay, what do you want our island to be?"

"How about.. a really colorful island named alphabet soup?" He smiled and Philip thought it was one of the prettiest things he ever saw.

"A gay joke, really?"

"What?" Alex laughed. "I can't help it."

Philip simply nodded, raising his arm up. "Um.. can we have some markers, he needs some!" He pointed down at Alex.

The teacher nodded, passing a box full of different and colorful markers from student to student. Once Philip got them, he set them down on the desk and saw the stunned look on his face.

"You okay?" Philip asked, pulling out the different colors of the rainbow and black for the title of their island and skinny blue markers for their rivers and lakes.

"I...um.. you used my.. right pronouns and I just.. thank you so much." His stunned look was replaced with a bright smile.

Philip only smiled back. "It's no problem."

The other classes went by quickly, his group either full of silence or talking about classwork to avoid mentioning what happened that morning. For Dylan being such a dick, everyone seemed to miss him, even Emma and Jessica, the two he messed with the most even seemed sort of upset about it. It was killing Philip not knowing why Dylan was in the friend group, so of course Philip chased down Clara to talk to her about it.

"Why do we let Dylan stay if he treats everyone so bad."

"It's complicated." Was her only reply.

"I know it must be, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve an answer. He's been an asshole to me, too, I deserve to know."

"He has.. family.. issues.. his mom has kind of just given up and his big brother killed himself two years ago.. he saw it.. it was a car accident but..this is just how he is.. and we can't be hard on him, okay?" Clara was whispering by the time she finished, the tears noticeable in her eyes. She turned away before Philip could even reply.

Lunch and the rest of the day went the same, too, only random mumbles about what each other did in class or silence. It was like they were mourning something, Philip didn't get it. He'd been through trauma too, that doesn't give him am excuse to be a dick but he knew it wasn't the time or place to bring all of that up. It was best to just stay silent, so that's what they did. The final bell couldn't have came soon enough but today it was followed by yelling, every one dressed in red and white running up and down the halls, yelling about school pride or some stupid shit. Philip ignored it, just thankful for a distraction for him and the rest of his group. He packed his backpack and made his way towards his locker when his phone buzzed.

From: Lukas   
Hey

From: Lukas   
are you going to the game tonight 

To: Lukas   
Yeah 

To: Lukas  
are you

From: Lukas   
Yeah rose is performing 

Philip ignored the sudden pulse of jealously that pumped through his veins. It was one kiss with a boy he'd only known for a couple of days. A boy who was taken. Who is taken.

To: Lukas   
cool 

From: Lukas   
But we need to talk 

Philip felt his whole body ache even thinking about talking about what happened yesterday. Is Lukas going to beat him or kiss him again? There was no way to tell what was going to happen but Philip typed 'okay' and sent it, walking towards his locker.


	15. Chapter 15

Noah and Jessica were already outside by the time Philip got out of the classroom. The halls were packed full of rushing students as they made their way through them.

"So, James said he's driving you, right?" Jessica asked.

Philip nodded, unlocking his locker and tossing his textbooks inside. "Yeah.. with his sisters friend or something."

"Okay, good. I'm riding with Noah." She smiled, leaning against the locker next to Philips. "We're going  early because James has to drive his sister there so she can practice, so we'll meet you there."

He nodded again. Planning these things were so foreign to him. He never went to football or basketball games in the city so doing it now.. it was like he was a whole different person.. and he wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. "What do we do while they practice?"

"We could go outside and walk around the track since the game starts at five and.." Noah turned on his phone, reading the numbers on the screen. "It's only 3:11 right now."

"So, am I just going to wait for James in the parking lot?" Philip asked, shutting his locker and swinging his jacket over his shoulder.

"You can wait with us." Noah replied, stuffing his phone back in his pocket. "Do you have any red?"

"Why would I?" 

"Because.. dude, here they take sports serious. You can't show up to a Red Hook game wearing some random shirt." He took Philips hand, tugging him down the hall, Jess following behind with her phone out. "I'll get you my sweatshirt. It's a school sweatshirt."

Philip nodded, silently. He was too busy being captivated by Noah's hands. It'd been ages since someone had touched him without an ounce of sadness or pity. Sure, his social workers touched his arms and hugged him, Gabe and Helen did, too. But all of them knew what had happened. But Noah...Noah didn't. Noah was touching him because he could, and it wasn't the rough touches Todd gave him and it wasn't exactly like the motherly touches Anne gave him. It was different. Warm, soft hands, touching rough hold hands. Philip couldn't stop thinking about it and the way it made his heart race. He intertwined their fingers, smiling up at Noah when he glanced back.

Noah's locker was on the opposite end of the hallway in set of lockers next to the janitors closet. He stepped up to his locker, pulling his hand away from Philips and turning the lock on it. 24. 10. 14. The locker popped open, the door falling back against the set of lockers. His locker was dirty, full of books bent in awkward ways and a set of what looked like lacrosse gloves hanging where his backpack would be. His backpack was on a pile of papers and a bright red piece of cloth stuck out of it. Noah tugged his backpack out, not bothering to pick up the papers that fell on the ground, Jess was the one to pick those up. He tugged his sweatshirt out, pushing it into Philips chest. The books in his arms got shoved into his locker and his door got slammed shut quickly. Without bothering to zip his backpack up Noah turned back to Jess and Philip.

"We should get out there. Put that on, it'll be cold in the gym, too." Noah began to walk down the hall again, Jess and Philip following.

Philip pulled the sweatshirt over his head, taking a deep breath and taking in Noah's scent. It wasn't as strong as Lukas' was. Lukas smelled like the stereotypical boy, like sweat and gallons of axe. But Noah smelled like books. He didn't seem to be the type to wear cologne, it was subtle. Philip found himself falling in love with it, with the warmth that was Noah. He glanced over at Jess and Noah as they talked about something Philip didn't understand, probably something about the game, and in that moment Philip decided it wasn't bad being a new kid. It was nice having no one know anything.

James came out of the school at around 3:30, with a small girl next to him. She was wearing the same cheer uniform that Emma and Clara had worn that day so Phillip assumed it was his girlfriend. She had short black hair that was pulled back in the front by a big red and white bow. Her shoes were clean unlike Emma's and the jacket she wore was two times her size. James arm was wrapped tightly around her side as they walked, the girl smiling and looking up at him the entire time.

Noah looked up from his phone, flashing his usual smile. "Hey, sweetheart." It was impossible not to love him.

The girl smiled. "Hi, Noah!" She waved excitedly.

James just smiled down at her.

"Hi, Lyndsay!" Jess called from behind Philip. "Have you seen Emma?"

"She's inside and she still doesn't want to see you." Lyndsay replied, turning back to Noah.

Philip frowned, glancing at Jess. "I didn't know you two were fighting."

Jess shook her head. "We aren't. She thinks me seeing her before a game is bad luck. It's like the wedding thing but we do it before a football and basketball games."

Philip nodded. "Huh.. um, are you guys taking Jasper?"

"Yeah, he's just taking a retake of a test right now." Jess smiled. "Don't worry." 

Philip nodded, glancing back over at James, Noah, and Lyndsay. Lyndsay and James were holding hands while Noah texted someone on his phone.

"I love you." Lyndsay grinned.

"I love you." James replied.

"I'll see you after the game, right?" 

James nodded. "Of course. Be safe."

"I'll try." Lyndsay walked back towards the building.

"How long until Jasper is done?" Philip asked, peeking over Noah's shoulder.

"He says he'll be out in five minutes." Noah shrugged, stepping up behind Philip and wrapping his arm around his shoulder. "So we wait."

"My sister should be out soon, too." James added. "She's probably just talking with all of her friends about where to practice since cheer team gets the gym first."

All of them nodded, leaning against each other. Noah placed his head on top of Philips, smiling against his hair. Jessica crossed her arms and leaned back against Noah's car along with James. It was about ten minutes before James' sister came out with two people behind her. She was holding hands with one of them, with a boy. Probably Ryan, the boy James hated. There was a boy and a girl. The girl had long blonde hair and could easily pass as Emma's sister. She had Nike shows on and a white tee shirt that cut off at her stomach along with along with a red mini skirt that was the same shade as her red lipstick. The boy was tall with dirty blonde hair and a jean jacket on and his arm around James' sister. His hair was shorter on both sides of his head and his skin was pale compared to the other two people next to him.

"Hey!" James' sister yelled. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah, Amanda, we were waiting on you." James grinned, tugging on his sisters pony tail as she walked past. "Philip, this is my little sister Amanda. She thinks she's god because she's co captain on the dance team."

"And when Rose graduates I will be captain no ifs, ands, or buts." She replied, pulling open the trunk on James' car, tossing her backpack and her dance bag into the back. "And hi, Philip, I hope no one has been a dick to you."

Philip shook his head, a small smile on his lips. "It's been okay."

"Good." She smiled, extending a hand. "Gimme your backpack."

Philip took his off slowly, handing it to her and watching her put it into the trunk. Then Amanda's friends walked up.

As Amanda put their bags in the back she started to speak again. "The model looking girl over there is Stephanie and then the boy next to her his my boyfriend Ryan."

The two waved. Stephanie flipped her hair over her shoulder and walked around to the side of the car. "Are we leaving?"

James looked at Noah.

"You guys can go." He said. "Jasper is running late so we'll just wait on him. I'll see you guys there." 

James nodded, walking to the drivers side and climbing in starting the car. Stephanie climbed in, then Ryan, then Amanda and then she shut the door. 

"See you." Jess waved. "Stay near the front of the school or in the parking lot."

Philip nodded. "Got it." He glanced at Noah, nudging him. "See you."

Noah glanced at him, licking his lips before sinking his teeth into his lower lip. "See ya." 

Philip gave one last wave before walking around to the passenger side of the car, tugging the passenger door open and climbing in. The car was clean, the floors vacuumed and unstained, not even a drop of torn up paper on the ground. The windows were clean, too, along with the dash. Music was already blaring in the car, causing the seats to vibrate. Despite the music it was still tremendously loud considering the four people in the car yelling. 

"Hands to yourself!" James yelled, looking in the rear view mirror, reaching down and turning the music down. 

Philip silently thanked him.

Amanda rolled her eyes, holding her hands up. "We are, stop."

"I didn't see his hands."

Ryan held his hands up, slowly.

James nodded. "Good." He started to pull out of his parking spot, out of the school parking lot and onto the road.

Philip leaned snuggly against the car door, ignoring the feeling of the seat belt cutting into him. He pressed his temple to the cool glass of the window and looked down at the concrete as they drove. The hushed whispers coming from the back of the car were enough to tell Philip that James either, 1. Terrified Ryan or 2. They didn't want him hearing anything they were saying. Considering Philip could understand almost everything they said, idea two wasn't a smart one. James had both of his hands on the wheel as he drove through the town, showing Philip parts he had yet to notice. They took a lot of side streets and Philip was trying to learn the names when James interrupted his train of thought.

"So.." James trailed off.

"Huh?"

James just smiled. "You know Noah is flirting with you right?

"He's known me like four days, I doubt it." Philip scoffed.

"Fine, but in some alternate universe where Noah isn't flirting with you, would you want him to be?"

Philip shrugged. "Maybe.. I mean.. it's weird. I don't know. He doesn't know anything about me and he wants to date me?"

"You can date and get to know each other. You don't need to be life long friends to date." James glanced at him. "Why are you making so many excuses?"

"It seems unlikely. I'm nothing special."

James sighed. "Amanda, Stephanie.. and.." He rolled his eyes. "Ryan?"

"Huh?" Amanda mumbled, looking up from her phone. Stephanie peeked around the seat and looked at James, while Ryans head just shot up.

"Do you think Noah is flirting with Philip?"

"Um, yeah, he eye fucked you." Stephanie replied, quickly. "I would know, I do it to Mariana all the time."

James held his finger up. "Mariana is her girlfriend."

Philip nodded, turning around in his seat. "What about you guys?"

Amanda nodded. "Yeah, he gave you is sweatshirt and he isn't a big fan of sharing. He probably thinks you're cute." 

Ryan chewed at his lip. "Or he wants to get in his pants."

"Noah isn't like that. He's a cuddler." Amanda turned to Philip. "Are you a cuddler?"

Philip shrugged.

Amanda only rolled her eyes in reply.

James pulled into the parking lot of the school the game was at. He parked as close as he could to the gym, shutting the car off. "Okay, now, you guys can go inside and do whatever. Philip and I are gonna wait on Noah, Jasper and Jessica."

Philip didn't ask if Dylan was coming. Frankly, he didn't care.

Amanda nodded, nudging Ryan. "Move."

"And Stephanie."

"Yeah?" Stephanie froze, keeping her hand on the door.

James glanced at her. "Make sure those two don't end up alone together."

Stephanie smiled. "Got it."

The three got out and made their way inside, Amanda running towards a car that pulled up probably filled with her friends or more members of the dance team. James was silent, scrolling through Twitter on his phone while Philip watched him.

Friendship was always a weird concept with him. He had friends at his old school in the city, but they were never the friends that people wrote about. His friends wouldn't come over any moment that he needed them and he wasn't even sure if he would've went to them when they needed it. But.. this was different. Philip was sure if Clara or Emma needed him he'd be there, same going for James and Noah. All of them, Jessica and Jasper, too. Sure as hell not Dylan, but everyone else.. he felt something for them. He trusted them..and of course it was a little weird being thrown into a group chat with all of them last night he never felt the urge to leave. In the city he was never excited about going to school, it was a chore, just like coming home, and eating, and just existing. But now going to school wasn't as bad. He'd be excited to hear about everyones nights and about Emma's love for poets and about how Jessica only does swimming for the scholarship and how James is excited for college and in love with his girlfriend and how Jasper is obsessed with a new book series and how a Noah loves dogs and how Clara is the mom friend and constantly checks on everyone. For once something in his life wasn't a chore and he found himself loving every second of it.

"So...back to Noah.." James grinned. "He likes you, it's obvious. He isn't into sharing things and he gave you that."

Philip rolled his eyes, a small smile on his lips. "So what if he does like me?" 

"You're blushing."

Philip punched James arm, laughing. "Am not."

James shoved his arm away. "You are! You like him!" 

"No, I don't!" Philip laughed. "I just might not be disgusted by the idea of dating him."

"I'll make sure to tell him that on your wedding day." James teased. "When I told Philip you liked him, he replied with 'I'm not disgusted by the idea.'" 

Philip shook his head. "It isn't like that.. he just.. we aren't close. What if he hears more about me and decides I'm gross?"

"Noah isn't like that." James judged him. "Don't worry."

Philip opened his mouth to reply but closed it when he heard the sound of a motorcycle approaching. He looked out his window, rolling his eyes when he saw Lukas on his motorcycle pull up to the school. Rose wasn't on the back.

James watched, too, leaning against the arm rest. "He's got a nice bike."

Philip nodded.

James bit his lip. "You like him, don't you?"

Philip opened his mouth to reply but James kept talking.

"He's taken and straight." He sighed. "Plus, he doesn't talk at all, it's like he's trying to be mysterious but the only answer I want is who leaves those roots in his hair."

Philip laughed, softly, his eyes still on Lukas. "Yeah, um.. I'll be right back."

"You going to talk to Lukas?"

Philip was already climbing out of the car. "What? No."

"Mhm." 

"Tell Noah and them when they get here that I'm inside." Philip said before he shut the door. He stuffed his hands into his pockets, digging around for his phone, pulling it out once he felt it. He unlocked his phone, tapping on the messaging app and tapping on Lukas' name.

To: Lukas   
Meet me in the front of the school 

Lukas read it seconds later but didn't reply. Philip stuffed his phone back into his pocket and walking inside. Amanda was in there along with Stephanie and Ryan but Philip turned down one of the halls so they didn't see him. The hallways already had all the lights shut off, Philip assumed it was for the game considering it was four o'clock already and the game started at five. Or was it five thirty? Philip didn't know nor care. All he cared about right now was talking to Lukas. It wasn't long before Philip heard the doors open to the school and close and hear foot steps following him. He glanced over his shoulder, his eyes falling on Lukas. He was in a sweatshirt, with different colors and lines on it, the green on it the same color that was on his bike. Philip walked towards one of the classrooms, pushing the door open and walking inside, walking towards one of the desks. Lukas came in seconds later, shutting the door.

"We kissed." Lukas breathed out.

Philip nodded. "I know, I was there."

"Don't be an ass."

"I'm not, you got that covered."

Lukas stared at him.

"You ignored me after kissing me." Philip pointed at him. "You. Kissed. Me."

"Stop saying that."

"You're not gonna take it out on me. I don't care if you aren't gay or suddenly don't like me, but you made your choice."

"It's not that simple." Lukas muttered.

"Then explain. I'd love to know why you kissed me then pretended I didn't exist." Philip smiled. "I mean, you already don't talk to me at school, you just decided to ignore my texts."

"Stop acting like you didn't do anything."

"What did I do?"

"You're.." Lukas ran his fingers through his hair. "You're in his sweatshirt."

"Who's?"

"Noahs."

"And?"

"We.. were.."

"What, Lukas? What were we?" 

Lukas looked at the ground. "Nevermind. Have fun with your boyfriend."

"You're jealous."

"I'm not." Lukas scoffed. "If I asked you to be with me you'd do it."

Philip didn't even bother denying it. They both knew it was true. "Fine."

There was silence.

"This should end." Lukas spoke. "Ross doesn't deserve this."

Philip nodded, pushing away all the gross thoughts about him being some side piece. "Fine."

Lukas looked up at Philip, his eyes big like a childs. He walked towards Philip, cupping his cheeks, kissing him. Philip couldn't help himself, he kissed back. It was slow and tender at first, fingertips grazing up and down each others bodies but then it turned rough, kissing the air out of each others lungs. 

Philip shoved him away.

"What?" 

"Rose doesn't deserve this." Philip mumbled, rubbing his face with his hands. "You said it yourself.. this is over.. "

Lukas went to say something but Philip had already walked out of the room. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, walking as fast as he could down the hall and outside, jumping when he ran into something. Looking up, his eyes landed on Noah. He smiled and Noah smiled back.

"You were in a hurry." Noah laughed, wrapping his arm around his shoulder. "The cheerleaders got here so we have to wait like a half hour before we're allowed to go in the gym."

"Why?"

"So the cheerleaders stuff doesn't get seen or something." Jasper explained. "But it's probably shut off for dance team and cheer squad, considering dance team is doing the half time show."

Philip only nodded in response. "What do we do now?" 

Noah looked down at Philip and smiled. "We walk around."

They took a tour of the school, Noah and Jessica sneaking into classrooms and going through teachers desks and dancing with the science skeletons. They even went through a few lockers, which were open, so they write inviting them and not breaking any rules. They ran up and down the halls and tried to climb on top of the lockers on the second floor but the only one that actually made it up was Jasper, who was surprisingly light. They laid on the ground and talked, speaking about things from books and shows to why the universe is so big. 

"The universe is so big it'll be impossible to track all of it." Noah said.

"Why?" Jess asked.

"Because we're made out of stardust with drops of galaxies in everyone's eyes." Noah explained. "And considering the fact that millions of people have died and been born there's no way they can track all of it." He shrugged.

Philip nodded. "I think everyone has their own universe."

James snickered. "Deep."

Jasper swatted his head. "Elaborate."

"Well, if we're all made out of stardust and galaxies, that means the people you get close to are your universe, and they aren't tracked but more discovered throughout a lifetime and all the research dies when the person does." Philip rambled, looking around at the group. "You guys are my universe." 

Jess grinned, pinching Philips cheek. "Awe. Cute." 

Philip rolled his eyes. "Shuddup."

Noah's hair tickled Philips cheek when he kissed it. "You're a sweetheart."

The game was long, but so was every other sports game. It lasted from five to eight thirty, the only interesting parts being when a fist fight broke out on the same team and when the dance team came out and did the half time show. They weren't as good as the cheerleaders, but Philip was a bit bias. After all, Emma and Clara were on it. And they were loud the entire time. Clara and Lyndsay were the flyers and they did amazingly and so did the entire Red Hook basketball team, considering one boy broke his arm half way through the game. (That was interesting, too, but Philip was in line getting snacks with Jasper while that went down.)

Red Hook won 23-19, the game only getting close around the end. The room echoed loudly with cheers and the stomps of the cheerleaders. The crowd was louder than ever, everyone that came cheered, even Philip and his group. When the boy on their team scored the last point and the score board sounded, everyone stood up, screaming and capping and hugging.

Noah wrapped his arms around Philip, pulling him into a hug before pulling away and kissing him as hard as he could.

And Philip kissed back.


	16. Chapter 16

A week later Philip woke up to his phone buzzing loudly on his nightstand. He rolled over, burying his face in his pillow only to peek out and look out the window. It was still pitch black outside, something Philip was just now getting used to. He was so used to waking up and seeing bright lights no matter what time of day it was and now you can't even make out outlines of trees if you look out his window during the night. He groaned, pushing himself up and grabbing his phone off of the nightstand, wincing when the bright light shined in his eyes.

"So much for having a good night's sleep." Philip grumbled, raking his fingers through his hair as he looked down at the time. Underneath the time was a name shown in big black letters.

Lukas.

It caught Philip off guard. Considering what happened last week they hadn't been talking. He didn't film any more videos for Lukas and Lukas didn't text him. They didn't even bump into each other in the halls. But Philip didn't forget him. He missed him. It was stupid. He knew that, but Lukas.. there was just something about him. Something that made him answer the phone.

"I thought it's past your bedtime." Philip yawned, rolling onto his back.

"Hey." Lukas was quiet.

"I-"

"I know you said it was over.. but.. I just.. something happened."

Philip was wide awake now, his heart racing. "What?" 

"My dad left."

"Like.. left you and your mom."

"No, my mom's been dead. He just.. he got mad at me and he left and I don't know what to do. What do you do when they leave?"

"I.. don't know." Philip pulled his covers off of his body, shivering as the cold hair hit his body. "My mom.. never really walked out." 

"I feel like I'm supposed to do something." Lukas sounded like he was out of breath. "I don't I.. I'm sorry I called. It's late."

"Hey, it's fine um.. did he talk about anything before he left?"

Lukas didn't speak but Philip could still hear him on the other end of the phone. "He said he was mad about me slacking.. but I've done all my chores and I haven't gotten anything lower than a C in weeks.." 

"Maybe get higher grades.. or not go out as much." Philip bit his lip, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Did he do anything else?"

"He threw something."

Philip felt sick. "What was it?" 

"A book. He had been reading it. I.. I don't know what to do."

"Do.. what do you think would help?"

"I don't know, Philip, it's why I called you-"

"No, not would help your dad, what would help you." Philip mumbled.

"I don't know.." The crack in Lukas' voice broke Philips heart. "He's never left before."

"But he's thrown stuff?"

"Yeah." The way Lukas said it so casually made Philips chest clench together. 

"How about we talk?"

"It's late-"

"I'm awake." Philip bit his lip. "I was doing geography homework."

"You suck at lying."

"I'm awake now, Lukas, so we're gonna talk." He laid back on his bed, chewing at the skin around his thumb nail. "Are you in bed?"

"Don't ever ask me that again."

"Why?"

"Because it sounds weird.. like you're flirting or something."

"Who says I'm not?" Philip bit his lip.

"Stop preying on me when I'm emotionally unstable." 

Philip scoffed. "You're an idiot." 

The line fell silent but both boys knew the other was still there. Lukas broke the silence.

"I um.. you know.." He mumbled into the phone. "It's been hard-"

"You don't have to say it." Philip whispered. "I get it."

Lukas shifted around, Philip could hear the sheets move as he climbed into bed. "Okay."

"What do you wanna talk about?"

"I don't know." Lukas sighed. "Um.. tell me about you and your boyfriend?"

"We aren't boyfriends." Philip sighed. "I don't know what we are. We just kiss a lot."

Lukas was silent.

"Don't get mad at me. You're with Rose and you don't see me throwing a fit."

"It's hard to explain." Lukas sighed, again.

"Everything with you is complicated."

"If I'm pissing you off so much I can hang up." 

Philip closed his eyes. "No."

Lukas sighed, rolling onto his side. "Think we could film another video."

"As long as that's all we do."

"Philip-"

"I'm not going to be your secret. I have enough going on."

"Like what?"

"What do you mean like what, Lukas? I was put into foster care."

"Why?"

Philip sighed. Lukas asked too many questions. "She was a unfit mother."

"What did she do?"

"Nothing."

"Then how is she unfit?"

"Because I was abused, Lukas, her boyfriend abused me and the court doesn't believe she didn't know." Philip snapped.

The line was silent.

"You think I'm a freak now, huh."

"Philip.." Lukas trailed off. "If anyone's a freak it's me.. I called you crying at like two in the morning.." 

Philip nodded.

"You.. I don't think any different."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I still like you."

Philip closed his eyes. "You shouldn't."

"I don't think I get a choice in who I like."

"Well, if you did would you choose someone else?

Lukas was silent for a few seconds. "No."

Philip bit his lip, holding back a small smile. "Lukas."

"We can't, I know."

"It's better this way. You're taken and I.. might be."

"How do you not know if you're dating someone or not?"

"It's been a lot of kissing, okay?"

"I know. You told me."

"You're jealous." 

"No, I'm really not."

"Lukas.."

"You really like saying my name."

"And you really like getting mad at me." Philip pulled one of his pillows down and laid his head on it, pulling his feet back on the bed. 

"I thought talking to you was supposed to be relaxing not make me want to strangle a dude."

"You aren't strangling anyone."

Lukas huffed. "I really hate you."

"How much?"

"A lot."

"Enough to make me cry or just your normal amount of hatred for people."

"Somewhere in between."

That's how everything was with Lukas. In between.

Philip smirked. "Let's talk about something happy then."

"Like what?"

"Tell me about your motocross stuff."

"Philip.." There was a smile hidden in his voice. "It's just called motocross, not motocross stuff." 

Philip bit his cheek. "How am I supposed to know?"

"You said you were into it."

"I lied."

"Now I hate you enough to make you cry."

"Why?" Philip laughed.

"Because, I thought you knew what I was talking about when I'd ramble about it and send you videos."

"It didn't annoy me."

"Whatever." Lukas scoffed.

"Why do I piss you off so much?"

"I don't know."

"I think I know why."

"Have at it then. You'll be wrong."

"So you do know."

"Shut up and tell me your theory."

"I think it's because you're not used to people caring and staying. I think you're mad that I try for you."

"Stop bringing all this emotional stuff into this. You're just my friend." Lukas mumbled. "Barely that."

"Then why did you call me tonight?"

Lukas let out a tired sigh. "I don't know."

"You can tell me."

"I don't like talking."

"I've noticed."

"You really like annoying me."

"It's a god given talent." Philip hummed, looking out the window. 

The line went silent, both boys were still there, soaking up the feeling of not being alone for once in their life.

"I'm glad you called me."

"Philip-"

"I want to see you tomorrow.. or I guess tonight."

"Good things never happen when we are together."

"So kissing isn't a good thing?"

"You said you wanted this to be over."

"I don't know what I want."

"I guess neither of us really do." Lukas sighed, shifting around in his bed. "We should sleep."

"We should do a lot of things."

"Stop starting conversations I don't want to have."

"Stop doing things you aren't ready to be accountable for."

"Philip."

"Fine." Philip climbed underneath the covers, pulling his pillow up and setting it with the rest. "Goodnight."

"Philip.."

"Yeah?"

"Can we.. you know.."

Philip smiled. "Okay." He loved how they didn't need to talk about what they meant but at the same time he ached to hear how Lukas felt instead of just guessing.

"Goodnight, Philip." Lukas whispered.

"Goodnight, Lukas." Philip definitely didn't fall asleep holding a pillow and thinking about ocean looking eyes. Never.

Waking up in the morning was hard but he didn't regret answering the phone. He just groaned and climbed out of bed and walked towards the closet, pulling out a shirt and pants then to his dresser pulling out boxers and socks. Now was the hard part. Changing. He hated changing with every fiber in his body. It made him feel cold and empty and disgusting all at once. It made him feel the same way he did when he found out what Todd did wasn't okay, wasn't love, and wasn't normal. That was Philips life. Always the lonely freak. Except.. he wasn't as lonely right now. Philip stepped towards a corner, keeping his eyes on the wall, never looking down as he changed. Pulling his shirt and pants off sent as shiver down his spine and pulling off his boxers made him feel sick. It was like tearing down every wall he'd built up.

Philip glanced over his shoulder after he pulled his new socks and boxers on, to make sure no one was looking in. It was always a fear Philip had. That Todd would come back and find him. He never felt safe. Not in his own house, not miles and miles away, not in his skin or in his mind. He made the mistake of glancing in   
the mirror while he turned his eyes back to the wall and he bit his lip, taking a deep quick breath.

Ugly.

Disgusting.

Nothing.

Freak.

Thoughts rushed through his head and Philip closed his eyes tightly in an effort to make them stop. His heart was thumping in his ears and he could feel his heartbeat beating quickly through his veins.

His hands.

His beard.

His mouth.

His eyes.

His smell.

All of that filled Philips senses and he felt like he was choking. He blinked away the tears that had formed in his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He needed to calm down. He needed to focus. He rushed towards his nightstand, picking his phone up, dialing his mom's number and waiting silently.

One ring.

Two rings.

"Hello.." Her voice was as sweet as honey. Just like Philip remembered. 

"Hey, mom." Philip sniffed, wiping his eyes.

"Philip, baby, you aren't supposed to call me.. it violates the rules."

"I miss you, mom. I.. it's hard here."

"You barely have a month left, honey, I promise it'll be okay. I'll get you back and everything will be fine." 

"Has he messed with you."

"No, honey, I'm okay." Anne took a deep breath. "How is it there?"

"It's fine. My foster parents are okay.. ones a police officer."

"Oh.." That scared Anne.

"The other is a vet. He's the nice one."

"Are you feeling okay?" 

"Yeah, mom." 

It was a lie. They both knew it. Philip always felt like his feelings were just another inconvenience for her. His existence had became a giant one.

"You making friends?"

"Yeah.."

"What's their names?"

"Lukas, Noah, James, Alexandria, Clara, Emma, Alex, Jessica, Amanda Jasper, Lyndsay, Ryan and Stephanie."

"Wow." There was a small laugh as she said it. "You're popular."

"I honestly don't know why they like me, mom."

"The same reason I love you, you're you." She was crying now. "You're an angel, baby, you're so strong and so sweet. We don't deserve you."

Philip shook his head. "You have to say that, you're my mom."

"I'm saying it because it's true, Philip."

Philip shook his head. "Whatever." He mumbled, looking down, jumping when he heard a tap on the door."

"Philip!" It was Gabe. Thank god.

"I have to go, but I love you."

"I love you, too." She replied. "Have a good day. Be safe."

"You too." Philip hung up and walked across the room, tugging his boots on. "Yeah?"

"We heard you talking." Gabe explained. "And it's almost seven."

Philip nodded even though Gabe couldn't see him. "I'm just getting my shoes on. Don't worry." He laced his converse up and grabbed his backpack and walked out.

The table was already made along along with the plates and glasses being full. It had been like that since Monday. Gabe was learning what he liked so he just started making Philip things. Helen, on the other hand, stared at him with the same stone cold look as she did every day. He was sure he'd never be able to get Helen to like him.

"You aren't supposed to talk to her." Helen said as if she was rattling off orders. "It could get us all in serious trouble."

Gabe spoke before Philip could. "We don't know if he was talking to his mother, Helen." He glanced at Philip.

It was obvious Philip was talking to her. The look on his face said it all. He had always been easy to read.

"She didn't do anything wrong."

"She dated him."

Philips jaw tightened. "You don't know anything about what happened."

Helen seemed offended by the idea that she didn't know what she was talking about. She turned towards Philip, crossing her arms. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"I read your file."

"As if that says anything."

"It says what the police saw."

"Like the police are trustworthy."

"I trust them before I trust you." Helen replied.

"Helen.." Gabe sighed. "This isn't how family talks."

"He isn't family."

"Helen!" Gabe was snapping and it was scary for Philip and it wasn't when because of him or directed at him.

Helen sighed, standing up, walking out of the kitchen without another word.

Gabe sat back down in his chair, rubbing his temples. "Philip, I am so sorry she said that."

"It's fine." Philip shrugged. It made him want to punch a wall and hurt himself at the same time. "I'm used to it. I've been hearing it from the court for months."

"If it helps any.. I trust you." Gabe smiled a little.. and it actually helped him feel better.

They ate in silence the rest of the morning and then Philip left without a other word. He rode his bike to school, sticking to back roads so he could look around. He was fascinated by all the beautiful woods that surrounded Tivoli. It might be something he actually missed when he left. It was hotter today, the sun warming Philip through his jacket and pants. He tilted his head up to the sky for a few seconds, slowing down and just taking a deep breath. He was okay and it was a foreign feeling. 

Once he got to school he locked his bike up and walked towards the front doors but he got stopped by two arms wrapping around his waist and a pair of lips kissing and nipping at his neck.

"Morning, handsome." Noah's voice filled the air. 

Philip pushed back against his chest. "Morning."

"Sleep good?"

"Let's go with that." Philip smiled.

Noah seemed to find that funny. He chuckled. "If you ever need to call me and talk you can."

"I'm not a talker." Philip wasn't lying but he also didn't want be a burden.

A loud motor rang through the air as a all to familiar motocycle pulled up to the school and parked. Lukas pulled his helmet off and his eyes met Philips.. and he frowned.


	17. Chapter 17

Philip rushed into the school, looking everywhere for Emma. He needed to talk to her. She was the only one that knew about Todd and what he did, but now Lukas knew and he needed to tell her about it. It was odd, having control in such things, being able to go to school and not have everyone know and talk about it. Being able to choose who he told and making sure they wouldn't tell anyone else. He knew Emma would never tell, though, she'd been through the same thing from her own dad and even though the group knew about her they didn't know about Philip. He wanted to keep it that way. Emma was talking with Jasper as they walked down the hall slowly, her books pressed tight against her chest. 

Philip jogged up to her, nudging her. "I need to talk to you." 

They had gotten close, Emma and Philip, ever since they met and they talked about what happened to them Emma had become his best friend. They texted constantly about anything and everything. It was the type of friendship you dream about or see in TV shows and movies. She reminded him that it doesn't stay bad and that you don't end up bad. There's tons of statistics that prove otherwise, saying the abused become the abuser and that it's undeniable but every time he looked into Emma's eyes he knew they were wrong.

Emma nodded, waving goodbye to Jasper and starting to walk with Philip. "What's up?"

"I told Lukas about the thing." He mumbled.

"I thought you were done talking to Lukas." 

"I lied."

Emma took a deep breath. "Of course you did."

"It's hard when he's cute."

"And taken and straight."

Philip lowered his voice. "We kissed." 

Emma stopped dead in her tracks. "Are you kidding me?"

Philip gave her a nervous smile, shrugging. "It didn't come up?" It was more of a question then an answer. 

Emma stared at him. "Are you serious?" She grabbed his arm, dragging him towards the staircase, away from all the people. "We've been talking about you and him for days. And you kissing never came up. I thought you just had a hopeless crush on a straight boy!" She whisper yelled.

"It wasn't a big deal. It only happened like twice."

"When?"

"One was at the basketball game last week and the other was a few days before that."

"And he hasn't left Rose?"

"It's complicated. I told him we should stop."

Emma nodded. "Makes sense."

"But then I kinda went back on that."

Emma slapped his arm. "You're such a worthless gay!"

"He's cute!" Philip rubbed his arm. "You're the one who gets bright red when Jessica smiles at you."

"She's my girlfriend and she's like a model, it's only a normal reaction."

Philip rolled his eyes. "Whatever. So,I told Lukas."

"And how did it go?"

"It was.. calm. He didn't really react much, I think it scared him a bit."

"It always does."

"But he doesn't think I'm a freak." He smiled. "So that's good."

"You have such low standards." Emma scoffed.

"Shut up." Philip replied, hitting her arm. "Anyway.. I don't know what to do."

"What do you think needs to be done?"

"It isn't fair to Rose that Lukas and I keep doing this stuff, but I can't.. stop."

"Try moving on. Noah and you have been kissing a lot. Go on a date with him."

Philip nodded. "You're right. I can move on. He isn't the only guy in the world."

"You've changed." She laughed.

"You've only known me a week and a half."

"But last week you didn't care about boys and now Lukas is all you talk about."

"I can't help it.. he's different." Philip sighed. "It's a stupid thing to say but he.. he makes me feel.. something."

"Gay?"

"I'm serious."

"Well.. if Rose and him broke up would you date him?"

"Maybe. I want to.. I want just.. to be close to him all the time but when I move back to the city we'll have to break up." Philip shrugged. "Am I getting his hopes up?"

"I don't think you are if he's in a relationship already."

"I'm the side hoe." Philip ran his fingers through his hair.

"Definitely."

"I'm a mess."

"Totally."

"Emma, you aren't helping."

Emma smiled. "Try being with Noah. He'll treat you good.. and he's single." 

The bell rang before Philip replied and he was thankful for it. It was hard to explain what he felt with Lukas. It was like an ache or a pull. But every time they got close they regretted it. And they wanted more. They were messy but Philip was in love with it. They were a disaster and Philip wanted to get lost in it. Emma walked away, waving and smiling back away Philip before turning down the hall and walking towards her first class. Philip adjusted the backpack on his shoulder and walked towards History, keeping his eyes open for Lukas. He was walking down the hall with Rose and Amanda along with a few more girls on the dance team but as he walked past his eyes landed on Philip.

An ache filled Philips chest so he had to look away. He walked into his classroom and sat down next to where Alex was sitting and opened up his notebook to the next clean page and scribbling the date.

Alex came in shortly after, sitting down next to him. "So, we're starting presentations today. Are you okay with talking or do you need me to?"

Philip shrugged. "We can do it however you want."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "You sure?"

Philip nodded.

He didn't seem convinced. "Is something wrong?" He put a hand on Philips shoulder. "If you need to talk-"

"I'm just tired." It wasn't a lie. If anything Philip was exhausted. He was tired of dealing with Helen and tired of being away from the city. He was tired of trying to sort out his feelings and someone else's. He was tired of not knowing what to do. He was tired.

Class went by smoothly, projects were shown and every few minutes some kid would make a bad joke and everyone would laugh, desperate for some kind of distraction. Alex and Philip were never called on, they'd be presenting tomorrow or Monday. Philip was thankful for that, it meant he had time to figure things out. Well, some things. Philip packed his backpack when the bell rang and stood up, waving goodbye to Alex and walking out of the classroom and down the hall to his next class.

When he walked into the English room all the lights were turned off. James was already in there, his notebook open and a pen in hand, a pen he kept clicking non stop as he looked around the room. Clara came in next, all happy and grinning the same way she always was. She went to the back table where Philip had sat down and sat down next to him, waving.

"Good morning." She smiled, unzipping her backpack and pulling out a notebook. "Did you understand the homework last night?"

Philip shook his head.

"Is there a reason why?" 

He shrugged. It was childish.

"Philip, did you not understand it or did you just not do it?"

"Didn't do it."

Philip learned at a young age that saying he didn't want to do something was easier than saying he didn't know how. Not knowing how came off as stupid and only got worse the older you get. When you say you didn't do it people assume you don't care and don't waste their time on you. It took his weight off of other people's shoulders, he didn't need other people worrying about him when he was just fine being alone. Not knowing made Philip feel terrible but asking for help is worse. When you ask for help they ask what you don't understand and just dig deeper into the problem. Not knowing made him weak but asking for help and revealing everything he didn't know made him weaker. And god, Philip didn't need another reason to feel weak and small. He had enough of those already.

"I didn't think you were like that." Clara didn't seem mad.

"No one does." He shrugged, looking down.

"If you ever need help ask me, okay? I used to have a tutor so I'm extra smart." A small smile spread across her face.

Philip nodded, pulling out his notebook and pencil. "I'll keep that in mind."

Jessica and Emma came in next, holding hands and leaning against each other. Philip envied it, what they had. The silent closeness that makes you feel okay. He wouldn't ever find someone who looks at him the way Jessica looks at Emma. The love they had was one of a kind, with cracks and missing pieces but they enjoyed being fragments together. They didn't cut each other the way their sharp edges would anyone else.

Emma once told him that when she told Jessica about what her dad did, Jessica punched a wall so hard her knuckles bled. Jessica said she had never wanted to kill anyone more than in that moment. Ever since then Emma says Jessica reminds her that she's beautiful and that her father can't hurt her anymore. Emma is in control now. 

Philip wondered if he ever found someone like that, what would it feel like? Would it feel natural? Would it feel different? Would it feel like being saved? It obviously wouldn't fix him, but it had to at least help, right?

Emma looked up at him, smiling. "Morning, Philip."

Philip gave her a small nod and waved. "Morning."

Jessica kept her eyes on Emma, sitting down next to Emma, glancing back over at Philip and Clara, waving. "Who got the homework done?"

"I did." Clara smiled, handing Jess the page she had full of notes. 

Jessica took it from her, grinning. "Thanks."

The rest of the class filed in and so did the teacher. She shut the door and kept the lights off, getting on her laptop and playing a few videos that projected onto the board. The videos were different things all talking about the different parts of speech and the words you should avoid while writing a story and the different words to avoid when you're writing a research paper. While the videos played through she handed out papers and papers, some being graded work sheets and others being notes on the videos that they had just watched. Class ended quickly and everyone left before the teacher could say have a good day. 

Emma and Clara walked behind Philip as they made their way to biology, talking about some show that they watched last night and how terrible it was that one of the characters had died. Philip almost asked them about it but he didn't. It'd ruin the pace they were in and he wasn't sure if he was up for a long conversation.

Derek stepped into the classroom before they did and it took everything Philip had in him not to slam him against the wall. He hadn't been so bad to Emma, he hadn't touched her or pushed her around, but every time Emma was holding hands or kissing Jessica he'd call them dykes or freaks and that they didn't need to rub their sexuality in his face. It was obvious he watched lesbian porn and was just mad that two girls didn't sleep with him but it pissed Philip off. Mostly because neither of them ever stood up to him, he could get why, but he didn't know why no one else defended them. Whenever he shouted anything they'd just stop whatever they were doing and look down. They stopped holding hands or stopped smiling. He was ruining something good. It was almost like having another Dylan to deal with.

Dylan hadn't been around much since the fight went down. Noah didn't talk to him and neither did Philip or Jessica. Clara talked to him, it was almost as if she took care of him, like he was her brother. Jasper stayed away from it, he didn't like getting involved in those things, it's why he mostly talked to Emma and Noah. He believed Clara was too sweet for her own good, same with James. Philip felt sort of guilty for not worrying about Dylan as much as others did, but Dylan was a dick and it wasn't his job to make him feel good, no matter how hard his life had been.

Philip sat down at his desk, laying his backpack on the table. He unzipped it and pulled out a notebook and his pencil bag, turning his head when he saw another backpack hit the table.

It was his lab partner Kayla. She didn't talk much, mostly she just sat and scrolled through her phone during class but she wasn't ever mean. Philip had seen her talking to Lukas a few times so he was pretty sure she was one of his friends. If he had more confidence he'd ask her if Lukas ever talked about him.

Then again, he already knew the answer.

Kayla smiled down at him, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "Morning."

"Morning."

"Did we have homework?" She asked, sitting down in the chair, pulling her hair back into a pony tail before letting it fall back onto her shoulders.

"I don't think so." Philip replied, running his fingers through his own hair.

She nodded in reply, opening up her notebook and writing the date. "So.. you're new?"

"I came a week and a half ago." 

"I know that, but I just got transferred to this class on Tuesday." She explained. "We're gonna be stuck like this til the end of the year. We might as well get to know each other."

"I'm going to be leaving before the end of the year."

"Oh? Really?"

Philip nodded. "I'm gonna be going back to the city."

"The city city, two hour away city?"

He nodded again. "I'll probably leave somewhere in the middle of March."

She nodded in reply. "Okay."

Biology was boring, most kids went to sleep. They were dissecting a worm tomorrow and the teacher was going over all the safety precautions and rules of the classroom to prepare for it. The bell rang and Philip could swear kids actually ran out because the class had been so boring.

Lunch time rolled around  and Philip knew there was no way of just ignoring it anymore. He had to talk to Noah. Philip found him at his locker. He took a deep breath and walked over, shutting Noah's locker.

Noah looked up at him and smiled. "Hey, Philip."

"Hey.." He looked down. "I need to talk to you."

He nodded, biting his lip. "Okay.."

"What.. are we?"

"Hm?"

"I mean.. we've been kissing all the time for like a week."

Noah was blushing now and it honestly made Philip feel good. He had an affect on someone. "I like you."

Philip bit his lip, looking down. "I like you."

"So, naturally, we kinda have to date." He teased, taking Philips hand and holding it.

"Definitely." He smiled, standing up on his toes, pecking his lips.

"Boyfriends?"

"Yeah."

Noah leaned down, cupping Philips cheek, but before their lips met he was jerked away from Philip. He was slammed up into the lockers by a boy who looked all too familiar.

Lukas.

Philip started to walk towards him. "Hey! Asshole!" 

Noah grabbed his hand, pulling him back. "Leave it."

"He shoved you."

"He's just some homophobic bully. Ignore him."

Philip wished he could. "Yeah, okay." But at the last minute Philip smirked. "Hey! Lukas!" 

Lukas turned around, stopping when he saw Philip push Noah up against the locker and kiss him hard. He watched them for a few seconds before walking into the lunch room and slamming the door shut. Philip and Noah walked inside after, holding hands and walking towards their table. Philip could feel eyes on him, watching him, staring him down, but he didn't care.

Emma and Jasper were already sitting at the table, their food in front of them.

Jasper grinned when he saw them walk up. "Thank god, Noah never shut up about you."

Philip felt a blush creep up his neck. "Yeah.. he's a sweetheart like that."

Emma raised an eyebrow. "So...you two.." She didn't sound happy. Philip knew why.

"Yeah." Noah was beaming. "We might even be cuter than Jessica and you."

"Huh." Emma nodded, standing up. "Philip, do you wanna come to my locker with me?"

Philip nodded. 

They walked out of the lunchroom and down one of the halls, silently. Philip knew she was mad. But she didn't get how hard it was.

"So you're dating Noah?"

"Yeah."

"When you already like Lukas and have been with him before."

"We only kissed."

Emma crossed her arms. "But you like him?"

"I don't know."

"Well you better figure it out because Noah really likes you and he'll treat you good." She looked him up and down. "I know it can be confusing but.. in the long run you'll be happier with someone who isn't.. pretending not to like you."

Philip nodded. "You're right." 

And she really was. Lukas didn't want to leave her but he wanted to have Philip all to himself, but it couldn't be that way.

They walked back to the lunchroom silently and towards their table. The cafeteria had filled up completely while they were gone. Even their table had everyone in it. Except for Dylan.

Lunch went by almost too fast. It was full of laughs and debates and kisses and just smiles. Philip felt happy. Genuinely happy. These people wanted him here. It was almost insane to think of that. James kept throwing food at Jasper and Jasper just picked it off the table and ate it. Clara hated that part. She said that they were going to get sick because it was so unsanitary. Emma and Jessica were in their own little world like usual, playing with each others hands and talking about weekend plans. They always had to sneak Jessica out, her family didn't know she was a lesbian, or let alone dating another girl. Her family loved Emma but they didn't let Jessica leave the house past seven so naturally they had to sneak her out. Noah had his eyes on Philip the entire time with a small smile on his face. He kept his arm tight around Philips shoulders and kissed his head every few seconds. 

When lunch ended everyone threw their trash away and went towards their next classes. As they walked to the gym they bumped into a few people who were stopped and staring at something. Philip peeked around them only to find Lukas pushing Rose up against the lockers and kissing her. Philip felt something inside of him burn and he wasn't sure if he was mad or angry, but all he knew is that he wanted to slam his fist against Lukas' jaw at the next chance he got.

"Isn't it stupid?" Noah asked once they walked away and into the gym.

"I mean a lot of things are stupid, you're going to have to narrow it down." 

"That male and female relationships can just make out and basically have sex in the hall but if I want to hold your hand I'm disgusting and flaunting my sexuality."

Philip sighed. "If it makes you feel better I'll ride your dick in the middle of the football field."

Noah laughed, shoving Philip playfully. "I'd rather not."

It was volleyball day in gym so Philip sat on the sidelines and called if the balls were in or out of the court. It was boring and frustrating, especially when no one listened to him, but it beat playing the game. James' team was full of his football friends and they won the game. Noah was on the other team and he stayed in the back no matter how many times they rotated. 

Art was next and Emma was waiting outside of the locker room for when Philip was done changing. They walked together and Philip was worried she was mad.

"I'm not mad, I'm just worried about you." She smiled, nudging him. "You deserve the best."

Philip rolled his eyes. "Sure."

"You do." She grinned. "You're like.. the nicest person ever, it's insane.'

"Mhm. Sure." 

"Let me support you." She slapped the back of his head.

Art was boring. They painted and drew patterns and just sat silently. Their art teacher didn't care when they didn't work. They always say that if you fail their class it's your choice and not their problem. Philip had a paper that was big enough to cover the top of his desk. Across the paper were different patterns of all shapes and sizes that Philip had had to paint with three mixed colors. He spent almost the entire class mixing his colors.

Math class came too late and too early at the same time. Philip despised math, it was boring and pointless but math was his last class so it means the day is almost over. He was walking to class silently until Jessica stepped up behind him, tapping his shoulder.

"Hey." 

"Hi." Philip replied.

"This day as been droning on, I'm over it." She ran her fingers through her hair, closing her eyes and tilting her head to the side.

"Do you have swim practice tonight?"

She shook her head. "I only have them on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays."

"I could never do swimming. I can't even do all my homework."

She laughed, winking at Philip. "I never do mine."

Noah was already in the classroom when Philip and Jessica walked in, but he didn't have any of his stuff out. His face lit up when he saw Philip and he patted the desk next to him quickly. Philip sat down and Noah leaned over, kissing his cheek.

"How was art?"

"Boring." Philip replied, laying his head down on his desk. "How was biology for you?"

"Good. I slept." Noah grinned, kissing his head.

Philip laughed, shaking his head. "Idiot."

"M your idiot, though." Noah leaned over and kissed him. 

Philip felt sick because it felt wrong.

Math was slow, the math teacher explaining everything in too much detail and writing in some for of English that was almost unreadable. He was too old to be teaching, Philip was sure he'd have a heart attack or something before he left Tivoli. The thought of leaving made him feel a pang of something. He couldn't decided if it was happiness or sadness. The last bell rang before he could decide.

Everyone filed out, including Jess. Noah stayed, though, waiting by the door until Philip was ready to leave.

"What are you doing after school?"

"Just gonna go home, I think." Philip replied, moving Noah's arm so it was wrapped around him.

Noah smiled. "What about Friday night?"

"Tomorrow, you mean."

"Yeah. You doing anything tomorrow?"

Philip shook his head. 

"You wanna go on a date then?"

Philip smiled. "What would we do on this date?"

"Go to the movies.. kiss a little.. cuddle." Noah bit his lip. "Come on, it'll be fun."

"I want to, but I'll have to tell my foster parents." 

"Say we're just friends, then."

Philip nodded. "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"

Noah nodded. "I'll text you."

When Philip got to his locker he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He pulled it out, expecting it to be Noah but Lukas' name flashed across the screen. He unlocked it, tapping on the notification so he could read the message.

From: Lukas   
Meet me behind the school 

Philip slipped his phone into his pocket and made his way down towards the back entrance of the school. From looking out the window Philip could already tell Lukas was out there with his helmet on. He knew it wasn't going to end good. He walked out, keeping his eyes on the ground, only looking up when Lukas' slammed a helmet into his chest. He pulled it on. 

Lukas sped off of the property, driving way faster than he should. His knuckles were white from gripping the handlebars so tight but Philip didn't say a word. He'd make it worse. They needed to sort things out and stop going through the endless cycle of cheating and anger and ache and want. But that plan flew out the window when they pulled into an empty filed and Lukas climbed off, pulling his helmet off. 

"What the hell was that!?"

Philip pulled his own helmet off. "What was what?"

"That shit with Noah!"

"You know, Lukas, I should be asking you the same thing. You're the one who slammed him into the lockers!"

"He was kissing you!"

"He's my boyfriend!"

Something inside Lukas shifted. He was still angry as hell but he stopped talking for a few seconds. "Your boyfriend."

"Yeah.." 

"Last night you said you weren't together." Lukas was walking towards him now. 

"He asked me out."

"You said yes?" He hadn't stopped walking.

Philip started to back up. "Yeah, he'll date me."

"You know it isn't like that." Lukas replied, his face hard.

"Then what is it like?" Philip replied, jumping when his back hit a tree.

Lukas let out a small noise that seemed like a whimper. "I want you."

"And Rose?"

"I.. don't want her the way I want you."

"Then why don't you leave?"

Lukas sighed, brushing his nose across Philips. "I can't."

"You can." Philip replied, grabbing the hem of Lukas' shirt. 

Lukas looked down at Philip, leaning down and kissing him softly. "I shouldn't.. want you like this."

"It's okay.." Philip whispered, pulling Lukas down for another kiss. "It's okay."

Lukas kissed back, grabbing Philips hips, pulling him closer. Philip slipped his hands up under Lukas' shirt, wincing when Lukas shoved him off.

"No." Lukas mumbled, looking down.

"Okay, that's okay.. I won't do it again." Philip tugged Lukas back, slowly, smirking a little.

Lukas stepped back, brushing his lips across the corner of Philips mouth. "I don't.. like this."

"What don't you like, Lukas?"

"That you came and.. you messed it up.. I was fine, I had it all together, now I can't stop thinking about you."

Philip smiled, pulling Lukas in for a other kiss. "That isn't a bad thing."


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my friend Cecil who's birthday is today !!! Ciel is inspired by them!!!!

Philip couldn't sleep at all last night. He tossed and turned, counted sheep and thought about the few good memories he had, but nothing worked. His body felt limp when he finally pulled himself out of bed. It was around four in the morning when he padded across the hall with towels and clothes in hand and into the bathroom. He set them all down and shut the door, locking it. After he turned on the water he sat in the corner of the bathroom, on the floor with his knees in his chest. Taking slow steady breaths he closed his eyes. He hadn't had time to breathe for a while.

A loud boom of thunder echoed through the town, shaking Helen and Gabes home and pulling Philips attention away from breathing. He stripped all of his clothes off and climbed into the shower, closing his eyes and leaning against the shower walls. The cold tile was a weird feeling compared to the hot water that was beating down against his skin. He took a deep breath, slipping down the wall and sitting down. He pulled his knees to his chest and let the water spray down on his head. The sound of the rain hitting the roof and outer walls of the house began to blend in with the sounds of the water hitting the tile.

Philip didn't want to go to school today. He didn't want to have to see Noah and know what he did. Noah didn't deserve it. He was a sweet guy and he always checked on Philip even though he didn't know why Philip was moved here. He deserves a nice boyfriend who gives him everything he can. 

Philip took a deep breath. He was going to be that boy for Noah.

The idea of washing himself only made him feel more tired. His entire body felt like there were weights on every part of him and even though he was showering he felt like he was drowning. There was no place where he didn't feel crowded. Except for when he was on the back of Lukas' motorcycle. Or when he heard Lukas' voice. No. No Lukas. Philip is with Noah and Noah is a good guy who likes him for him.. but Noah doesn't know about his abuse or why he's really here. Noah only knows he's being fostered. Noah deserved to know, right? Emma and Lukas knew, they didn't react bad. And Noah knows about Emma, everyone does, so why would they react bad? It'd be a one in a million chance. Maybe he'd tell Noah. They had a date tonight, it'd be perfect.. unless telling him ruined the entire date.

What was Philip saying? Noah wouldn't get mad or weirded out, it wouldn't ruin anything. He could trust Noah, he has since his first day of school. And unlike Lukas he made Philip feel welcome, even when everywhere he went felt like torture. Noah and his friends gave Philip something to look forward to. 

And for once in his life, he was okay with that. He deserved a little happiness.

Philip finished his shower with his eyes closed and his hands confused. It took him longer to grab the shampoo and conditioner and soap and everything else but he didn't want to risk seeing himself. He couldn't do that today. He shut the shower off and climbed out, drying himself off and keeping his eyes on the floor. He dried his hair last and pulled on his clothes quickly with his back to the mirror. Once he was fully dressed he opened the bathroom door, slowly, jumping when thunder boomed outside. He shook his head, smiling at himself for getting startled by such a thing. Thunder was the least of his worries when it comes to safety.

When he got back to his room he saw that it was already around five thirty in the morning, so he could leave soon. He wanted nothing more than to avoid interacting with Helen. He knew she or Gabe would offer to drive him to school but he'd say no, he already made up his mind. He'd just walk to school with a sweatshirt on over his normal jacket. He didn't want to deal with Gabes pity hidden behind kindness or Helens guilt. He was fine on his own, he'd been fine alone for years. And as much as he loved his mother she wasn't around as much as he needed, so he adapted. He stopped depending on people, he stopped wanting things and focused on needing.

Philip made sure his backpack was backed and ready before sitting down on the side of his bed and getting on his phone. He tapped on his Spotify and searched for a playlist. Most of his playlists were just artists and all of their albums. He scrolled past Troye Sivan, Halsey, Ed Sheeran, Misterwives, Hozier, Mansionz, and then his more personalized playlists like the ones he needed on the days he needed to cry or his playlist that he needed to listen to to calm down. He settled on the playlist named 'Me' and hit shuffle, laying back half on his bed with his feet touching the floor as some song began to play. Philip was never good with names. Names of movies. Names of songs. Names of people. He knew none of them.

By the time six o'clock rolled around Philips phone began to buzz. The group chat. It was always active in mornings. Clara would start it, asking how everyone slept and telling everyone to eat breakfast. Then Jessica would come in and ask if everyone did the homework, then James would ask how it felt outside and so on and so fourth. Philip was silent during this time, just reading the messages everyone sent. It was odd how their friendships mirrored a family. Philip didn't understand how each functioned, really, he never had much of either, but if you were to imagine the perfect family, the way this group took care of each other would fit it almost exactly.

Clara and Noah would be the parents. Clara watches over everyone while Noah stands up to anyone being an ass to his friends. Alexandria  could be a parent, too, she was smart and took care of everything, she never forgot a birthday or a sports meet. Maybe it easy because she was valedictorian but Philip liked to think it was because she cared. James would be the oldest brother, he protects, too, but he also knows when to back off and just support. Emma and Jessica would be the sisters, as odd as it sounds, but they're still an odd combination of immature and mature unlike Noah and Clara. Jasper would be the youngest, but not the bratty spoiled younger child but the quiet and shy one. He let's everyone else take the lead and he's content with it. Lyndsay and Dylan were quiet in the group chat, neither of them ever talked in it unless they had a question for through group and normally that was only Lyndsay. Philip didn't know why he was spending so much time thinking about the family dynamic, maybe he just craved to have one of his own. Maybe this was the closest he'd ever get to one and he wanted to soak it up. Either way, he didn't know.

He didn't have a group chat with the group he'd met last week but he did have each of their numbers. Ryan never texted him, there wasn't a reason. Amanda would text Philip to find out where her brother was. Stephanie had texted him twice, both last weekend, asking if Philip wanted to go to a party. He politely declined, as much as he loved to going to clubs back in the city he was still fearful of coming off as the weird new kid at everything he went to.

Lastly, for Alex, the boy in his first hour, they'd only texted a few times, too. Planning out things for the project and helping each other out with other classes. They had most of the same classes, just different hours. He was a nice friend to have, because he wasn't close like Noah and Emma, but it wasn't awkward like it is with Stephanie and Amanda and Ryan. 

His phone buzzed, startling him away from his thoughts about the group chat. It was Noah. Seeing the notification made Philips chest feel warm and fluttery. He bit his lip, tapping on the chat and reading the text.

From: Noah   
Good morning boyfriend 

From: Noah   
I can't stop saying it I'm sorry 

From: Noah   
It's just nice 

Philip bit his cheek, trying to hold back a smile.

To: Noah   
Hi boyfriend ♡

From: Noah   
Did you sleep good?

Philip typed 'yes' but deleted it. It was dumb, lying about something so small, and it wasn't worth it. He could trust Noah. It was okay to tell him things, especially if he's having a hard time.

To: Noah   
No ): 

From: Noah  
How come baby?

From: Noah   
Is everything alright?

Philip could easily tell him now. Tell Noah he was sexually abused for most of his life by his mom's boyfriend and now no one believes his mom is a good mom so they took him away. He could tell him that all Philip has against his abuser is a restraining order because there was no evidence. He could tell him about every bad thing. But he didn't. It wasn't right, to just drop the ball on someone like that, especially this early.

To: Noah   
I'll tell you later 

From: Noah   
Okay 

From: Noah   
You don't have to tell me if you don't want to 

From: Noah   
I'm not trying to change your mind I just mean in general  

Philip didn't deserve Noah.

To: Noah   
I really like you 

From: Noah   
I really like you too. If we didn't like each other it'd be really awkward 

It was odd, being treated right. Philip was so used to closeted boys and just mean people in general. He didn't know how to feel or react to Noah being sweet to him.

To: Noah   
You're an idiot 

From: Noah   
Yeah you're right 

To: Noah   
But you're my idiot 

Talking like this with Noah felt right. Philip loved it.

From: Noah   
Are you going to eat breakfast 

To: Noah   
You sound like Clara 

From: Noah   
I'm just trying to make sure you take care of yourself 

From: Noah   
You must be stressed with all of the catching up you still do at school and having to stay with strangers 

Noah somehow understood everything Philip was feeling. It was wonderful and scary at the same time.

To: Noah   
Yeah 

To: Noah   
But you make it easier 

From: Noah   
can I be honest 

To: Noah   
Yeah 

From: Noah   
I'm glad we met 

From:   
You make me really happy 

To: Noah   
I'm a mess 

From: Noah   
And I'll love you despite it 

To: Noah   
We just met 

From: Noah   
I'm not saying I love you now 

From: Noah   
But I think in a month I will 

Philip didn't want to tell him he might not be here in a month.

To: Noah   
will you tell me when you figure it out?

From: Noah   
Maybe 

To: Noah   
You're a sap 

From: Noah   
Do you like it?

To: Noah   
Yeah 

To: Noah   
I'm just not used to it 

To: Noah   
Boys don't normally treat me good, you know?

From: Noah   
Well I'll happily be the boy that changes that 

Philip found himself blushing a dark shade of red.

To: Noah   
Flirt 

From: Noah  
I can't help it you're cute 

To: Noah   
I'm rolling my eyes right now 

From: Noah   
): 

To: Noah   
You're such a dork 

From: Noah  
))):::: 

To: Noah   
But you're cute 

From: Noah   
(: 

Philip was just about to reply to Noah when he heard a knock on the door. Gabe. 

To: Noah   
♡

Philip sent the message and stuffed his phone into his pocket. He grabbed his backpack off of the floor, stuffed his feet into his worn out shoes and walked out, nearly bumping into Gabe.

"You're up early." Gabe smiled. "Did the storm wake you up?"

Philip shook his head. "I couldn't really get to sleep, actually." 

Gabe nodded. "If there's anything I can do to help just tell me."

Philip nodded. "I know." He stepped around Gabe and walked into the kitchen where he saw three plates with toast and some flavor of jelly spread across the top. He sat down and hung his backpack on the chair, looking down at the food.

Gabe followed him inside, the smile still on his face. "Helen offered to drive you. It's storming pretty bad and she doesn't want you getting soaked."

"I have a jacket. I'll walk."

"She really is sorry." Gabe stopped speaking after that. It's almost like he could tell Philip just couldn't have that conversation today.

"I'm going out tonight."

Helen stepped in. "That's good. Do we know them?"

Philip fought the urge to tell them they didn't even know him, let alone his friends. "His name is Noah."

"Is he in your grade?" Gabe asked.

"Yeah, and he's my boyfriend. I'll be back later tonight."

"No. You'll be back before ten." Helen replied almost immediately.

"Why?"

"Because-" Helen started.

Gabe cut her off. "We want you safe. You could even have the date here."

Philip shook his head.

"At least have him pick you up. I wanna meet him." 

Helen didn't seem to agree with Gabe.

The rest of breakfast was awkward. It always was, Philip was sure it never would be not awkward. He finished his toast and grabbed his backpack, going back to his room and pulling on a small zip up rain jacket, then pulling a hoodie on over it. He made sure his phone was secure in his pocket and checked to see if all of the zippers in his backpack were closed before leaving. Walking to school was going fine until Philip heard a motorcycle coming up behind him.

As soon as he saw Lukas he stopped. "No!" 

Philip could see Lukas' eyebrows raise up in confusion.

"What?" Lukas called back.

"You aren't ruining this!"

"Ruining what?"

"Noah and I! He treats me good! He wants me!" 

Lukas was tugging his helmet off now and looking around the streets. There was no one.

"Who says I don't want you?!"

"You do! It's obvious!" 

Lukas stayed straddling his bike but he grabbed Philip and kissed him. It took every bone and fiber inside of Philips body not to kiss back. He pulled away, slowly, shaking his head.

"Lukas.."

"Philip-"

"No."

"You can't deny what we have."

"We're two horny teenagers, Lukas."

"Then what is Noah? What makes him different?"

"He treats me right." Philip turned around, starting to walk again.

"Fine! Forget it!" Lukas shouted, pulling his helmet back on and speeding past.

Philip wasn't sure if Lukas meant to splash him or not, but either way his jeans ended up sopping wet.

The walk to school was long and antagonizing. The rain just kept coming down, harder and harder, shifting in the wind so it came in all directions. But not once did Philip regret not getting a ride to school from Helen. It would've been hell. She would've made him feel worse. And he didn't need anyone else adding on to what he was dealing with.

Philip was walking so fast he didn't even notice that there was a girl walking in the opposite direction. They ran into each other, both slipping and hitting the ground with a loud thud. It almost resembled thunder. Philip was the first to look up. He was met with bright blue eyes. The girl had short blonde hair and seemed to only be five foot two. She wasn't thin like Emma and Clara but she wasn't big. She was chubby, just like her red cheeks.

"I'm so sorry!" Philip called over the rain.

The girl shook her head. "No, it's fine!"   
"I'm real sorry, could I help you to class?" 

"No, I'm okay."

"Really? Are you sure? You got an awful lot of books for a girl-" 

The girl raised her head. "I'm not a girl. I'm Ciel. Use they/them."

"Oh." Philip shook his head. "Sorry. You just got a lot of books and you got small arms and no backpack."

"Yeah." Ciel nodded. Their hair was getting soaked in the rain. "I'm a reader. It got so bad that my backpack fell apart."

Philip picked up a few books, smiling. "Then I will help you." 

Ciel smiled and picked up a few more of their books before walking inside with Philip, beginning their day.


	19. Chapter 19

School went by painfully slow, cracks of thunder and flashes of lightening being the only distraction. Philip watched out the window the entire day, only nodding and mumbling small replies to his friends. Emma was the only one who knew what Philip was planning to do tonight. He asked her how to and she just smiled and told him to explain as much as he was comfortable with and if he doesn't believe Philip to leave him, but Emma said she was sure Noah would believe him, Noah wasn't that kind of person.

Philip walked out with Emma and Noah, into the rain sprinkling down on them. They were lucky it had let up, Philips hoodie still wasn't dry from walking to school this morning.

"I'll pick you up at six, okay?" Noah smiled, pulling Philip towards him, squeezing his hand and kissing his cheek.

Philip nodded, smiling. "Yeah, I'll be ready." He let go of Noah's hand, walking towards the sidewalk, Emma still behind him. 

She stepped up next to him, holding her backpack straps with her hands. "If you need anything tonight, text me. I'm here for you."

Philip shook his head. "I think I'm just nervous.. like I'm scared once he finds out he'll think the same stuff I do."

Emma stepped up in front of him, smiling her soft smile. "You aren't your abuse, Philip."

Philip wished he believed her. He was raised on it. It's the majority of his life, of his memories. You can't tell him his abuse isn't nothing when its almost all he is. "Thank you." 

She reached up and ruffled his hair, causing him to smile. "I'll see you tomorrow." She walked around him again, walking back towards the school.

Philip didn't look back. Actually, he didn't look back until someone grabbed his shoulder. He glanced up, sighing when he saw Lukas. 

"We need to talk, alright."

"You should get your motorcycle then. You don't want to leave it here."

Lukas didn't let go of his shoulder. "I have a place we can go."

They walked a bit down the road and down a small side street, surrounded by trees on both sides. There was a small tunnel the further they went down. The road began to narrow into one lane. Lukas walked ahead, confidently, his hands stuffed in his pockets. Philip followed, silently. The air was thick and tense, the wind and the sound of school buses and people talking being the only noise around them. Yet, somehow, the silence between the two was almost unbearable and certainly uncomfortable. They walked into the tunnel, each leaning against one of the walls on either side.

"I.. I hate you."

Philip didn't know how to reply so he stayed silent.

"I can't stop thinking about you and I hate it." He ran his fingers through his hair, messing it up in a way that Philip found beautiful. "Our kisses and our talks and just.. I can't stop. Why can't I stop?"

"Because you like me." There was a smirk on Philips lips and to Lukas it looked delicious.

"Great. So you're just going to reject me again."

Philip sighed. "It's confusing."

"You think I don't know that?"

"I'm not saying that." Philip shook his head. "We both like other people, we're both taken. We're cheating every time we do anything."

"Who says I like Rose?"

"Lukas, don't say that."

"I'm serious. Okay? Ever since you came around with that stupid smile and your stupid hair and your stupid voice I don't know how much I like her."

"Okay." He looked at the ground.

"Do you like Noah?"

"Yeah, I do."

Lukas laughed a pitiful laugh, turning and punching the wall. "Of course you do."

"I'm leaving in March, anyway. It's when our next court date is. They can't deny my mom her rights to have me anymore."

Lukas leaned against the wall, never looking at Philip. Instead he traced patterns and dug his nails into whatever stone made up the tunnel.

"I want to be friends."

"You don't know what you want."

"And you're going to hold that against me?" Philip laughed. "It's not like you're even making an effort. You haven't left her. You haven't done shit!"

"You haven't either! You got with Noah!"

"I tried to end this!"

"Well, truth is Philip, I don't want this to end. I like it. I like kissing you and feeling you against me and I feel disgusting about it so I am so sorry I can't be the prince you want but don't you fucking dare think for a minute I don't want you." Lukas snapped, walking Philip up against the wall, staying only a few inches from his face. 

Philip closed his eyes. "I'm staying with Noah. He gives me what I need."

"What do I give you?"

Philip pushed past Lukas, walking towards the opening of the tunnel. "What I want."

"Why don't you want me then?"

"Because Lukas, wants and needs are different. You need water to live. It'll help you in tons of different ways and it'll keep you alive and going forward. You want a cigarette. That cigarette won't do shit for you in the future, it'll make you feel good for ten minutes but for every time you take those ten minutes part of you slowly crumbles away. I rather have a need than a want."

"Fuck you!" Lukas spat.

And for the second time that day, Philip didn't look back. But for the first time that day, his chest ached as he walked away.

The walk home was lonely. Philip didn't check his know despite the feeling of it buzzing in his pocket. He knew it was just the groupchat. It was empty not having any distractions around him. He hated it. He hated being alone with his thoughts. He hated how confusing his life had become, even if it wasn't confusing enough already. He hated these feelings, he hated wanting to be with Lukas and Noah, but each in different ways. It wasn't fair to anyone. Not to Noah. Not to Lukas. Not to Rose, either. It was a mess but for some pathetic reason he couldn't stop going back. His life felt like a cheesy teen movie except this time it wasn't obvious which boy he'd choose.

Months ago Philip would have never imagined this happening. He never thought he was worthy of the love his mom gave him, let alone two boys. He wasn't used to feeling cared about and wanted. Hell, he still didn't believe he deserved any of it. But somehow people want him.. and he doesn't know how to react to it.

Philip unlocked the front door of their house. (It felt weird calling it their house, he'd be gone soon and he'd barely been there two weeks.) He stepped inside and peeked around, letting out a sigh of relief when he didn't see Gabe at the kitchen table. He pulled his backpack off and let it drag against the floor as he made his way to his bedroom. Tossing his backpack on the bed was the first thing he did when he made it into his room. Then he kicked off his shoes and climbed into bed, checking his phone.

Part of him wished Noah was coming earlier. He hated being home alone. It gave him anxiety and he jumped at every sound there was. It was already four when he got home so he still had two hours. Maybe he could see Lukas? No. That'd be a bad idea. Lukas was a bad idea. He was a bad idea wrapped in soft lips and snowflake skin and bright eyes. He was a bad but looked like an angel and it killed Philip. They just hurt each other. There's no way they could be together. It'd be more painful than blissful and Philip didn't think he could take much more. 

He tilted his head to the side and looked at his bed. The pillows were still out of place along with the blankets. He was never good at remaking his bed. He pushed himself up on the bed, his palms sinking into the mattress. Rain patterned against the window and drops slipped down the glass. He turned around and sat on his bed, crossing his legs like a child. Picking two raindrops was hard, considering how fast the rain was coming down, but he managed to do it. He watched as the two raindrops slipped down the glass, leaving a wet trail behind them. The second raindrop won. Philip picked that one silently as the winner. He always chose the second thing, he hated odd numbers. That means no one would be left alone when put in pairs. Philip had never realized how much he feared being alone until that moment. It was painfully obvious. 

Gabe coming through the front door and dragging his feet across the rug in the doorway pulled Philip away from his thoughts. He got up, stuffing his phone into his pocket and running his fingers through his hair and walked out of his room. Gabe was soaking wet, his knee high boots half covered in mud and grass.

"Hey, Philip." He smiled. His face was dirty, too. "How was school?"

Philip shrugged. "Fine. How was...playing in the mud?"

"Fun." He laughed. His eyes were almost as bright as his smile. Philip couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever be as happy as Gabe, as content.

"What were you doing?" Philip raised an eyebrow.

"You're starting to sound like Helen."

Philip scoffed. "God, I hope not."

That made Gabe laugh. "She isn't as bad as she seems. She's just... not a big fan of change. She still isn't used to the whole small town thing and now she has a kid." Gabe reached out to rub Philips shoulder, but stopped when he saw how dirty his hand was and retracted his hand. "Go easy on her."

"Noted."

"And I was helping a horse give birth."

"You're kidding."

"Nope. We have a horse and she was pregnant." Gabe rubbed his chest. "She kicked me a few times. The girls got some legs."

Philip laughed. "We have horses."

"You've been here two weeks and you didn't know we had horses."

"I've been.. distracted." Philip smiled a little.

Gabe smirked. "Speaking of distractions. Do I get to meet the boy that stole my foster sons heart?"

"You sound like my mom." Philip didn't mind it. "And he hasn't stolen anything. We just like each other.. and it's nice being around him." 

"Thats a good start to any relationship." Gabe rinsed his hands off and dried them. "But remember, consent is key. If he tried to do anything against your will, knock his teeth out."

"Gabe-"

"And I am not usually pro violence, but it's self defense."

"He won't be forcing anything, anywhere."

Gabes face softened. "I just don't want you getting hurt."

"It's a bit late for that." He laughed, sadly. Why was he being open like this?

"Then I want to help." Gabe replied, effortlessly. "I know your life has been hard, I won't ever be able to imagine how scary and painful it has been, but you need to know you're safe here. Even if you end up leaving."

"Do you want me here?" Why does he care? He loves his mom, not Gabe and he definitely didn't love Helen. He belongs in the city. Not here.

"I want you happy." 

Philip pulled his bottom lip in between his teeth and nodded. He turned around and walked towards his bedroom, keeping his arms crossed. He slipped inside and shut the door, shaking his head. Why was this messing with him so much? Why does he care if he's wanted here? He won't be staying. He laid back on the bed and closed his eyes. That didn't matter. None of it did. 

Noah made it to Philips fifteen minutes before six o'clock and Philip had never been more grateful. He heard the knocking on the door and quickly slipped a white shirt on and then stuffing his feet into his shoes and walking out. He froze when he saw Gabe at the door.

"God, no.." Philip muttered underneath his breath.

"Hi, I'm Gabe." He smiled, reaching out to shake Noah's hand.

"Um.. hello." Noah shook his hand, smiling at Philip when he looked over Gabes shoulder. "I'm Noah, I'm here to pick up your.. foster son." The ending sounded more like a question rather than a statement.

"Hi, Noah." He replied, glancing over his shoulder at Philip. "Treat him good, Noah, he deserves it."

Noah nodded, biting his lip. "He deserves the best."

"My work here is done." He clapped his hands together. "Have Fun, boys, call me if you need anything, have him back by nine at the latest."

Noah nodded. "Okay, sir."

Gabe smiled wider, somehow. "Sir.. I like that." He whispered to himself before walking past Philip and towards the kitchen.

Philip stepped up to Noah, smiling. "Hey.."

Noah wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him closer. "Hey, handsome."

Philip rolled his eyes. "You can stop flirting, we're already together."

"I'm always gonna flirt with you, Philip." Noah leaned down and pecked his lips.

"Fine, fine. You ready to go?"

Noah nodded. "Yeah, but I wanted to know if I could see your room."

"Why?"

"In case I need to sneak in and see you."

Philip smiled, looking down, nodding and biting his lip. "Yeah, okay." He intertwined their fingers and walked him towards his room and pushed the door open.

Noah walked in and shut the door, looking around. "You don't have a lot of stuff, huh?"

"I only brought what I'd think I'd need. I have posters and stuff in my real room."

Noah nodded, biting his lip. "Cool." He stepped on front of the mirror, looking himself up and down. "I wish I had a big mirror like this. I have to use this small mirror and then the bathroom mirror."

"I didn't know you cared so much about your appearance."

"I gotta impress you, don't I?"

Philip shook his head. "I've been impressed since the day we met."

"And you make fun of me for flirting." Noah laughed.

"If you want the mirror you can have it."

"You don't like it?"

"No, I hate mirrors. I avoid them."

"Is it one of those don't walk under ladders or you'll get bad luck, things?"

"A superstition? No." He shook his head. "It's... something else."

"You don't have to tell me."

"I need to."

"If you want to wait you can." Noah whispered, pressing his forehead to Philips.

"I'm afraid you won't want me once you know."

"Impossible."

Philip took a deep breath. "Um.. well.. my mom had this boyfriend.."

Noahs face changed as if he knew what was coming.

"He was in my life as long as I can remember and he.. abused me. He hit me, he yelled at me and he touched me.. it went on from when I was four or five to sixteen. I told the police, but since he never raped me, there was no proof and all I got was a restraining order. They believe that my mom knee about it, so they declared her an unfit mother and I was.. sent here.."

"Philip.." Noah whispered, cupping Philips cheeks. "I'm so sorry.. God, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay." He wrapped his hands around Noahs wrists. "I'm okay."

"You're so strong.. I couldn't have ever dealt with it the way you did.. God, you're so strong." 

Philip smiled sadly, pressing into Noahs touch. "It's why I don't like mirrors.. when I look at my own body, I see him."

Noah pulled away, wrapping his arms around Philips waist and turning him towards the mirror. He kissed his shoulder, rubbing Philips torso with his hands. "You aren't him, okay? He doesn't own your body and he can't hurt you anymore."

"He hurts me every day." Philip whispered. "It doesn't end, I don't think it ever will, and it scares me." He closed his eyes.

"I'm here, okay? Any time you need anything, call me." 

Philip nodded.

"Promise me you will. You aren't alone. "

"I promise." Philip decided not to go into why the whole 'you aren't alone' thing bothers him. He wishes he was alone. He hates being reminded that tons of other people have felt the same gross hands touch them and the same terrible ache in their chest. He wishes he was alone, it'd be better that way.

"I really care about you." Noah buried his face in Philips neck, holding him tight. Philip wasn't sure if he'd be put back together or if he'd fall apart when Noah let go. But he didn't care, not when Noah was holding him this way. 

"We should get going." He whispered, pushing back against Noahs chest before pulling away and walking out.

His entire relationship with Noah has shifted and honestly, he doesn't know if it was for the better or for the worse.


	20. Chapter 20

Philip woke up pressed against Noah's chest. It startled him at first, his blood running cold as quickly as it could. He jumped up and pushed away from Noah, taking deep breaths. All he could feel were hands on him, but not Noah's gentle hands they were rough hands. Hands that were holding him down and pushing him away. He blinked quickly, rubbing his eyes. It was impossible. Todd couldn't hurt him. Todd was far away and Todd had no way in knowing where Philip was. 

There was ringing in his ears but also his heart beat pounding so loud it almost hurt. He took deep breaths, feeling around the bed. His vision was blurry and everything around him seemed to be dark. He took more breaths, shaking his head. The ringing slowly went away, the thudding of his heart still persistent. He swallowed, rubbing his eyes. There was something else now. It sounded like a voice. Who was with him? 

"Philip." 

He could make out his name. It wasn't Gabe's sweet voice or Helens stern voice. It wasn't Todd, it wasn't anything near that mans disgusting voice. Then who? 

Gentle hands were touching him. Soft hands. Noah. Noah was touching him. He was okay. He was safe. He was just startled. Philip blinked a few more times, looking around. He was okay, he was just in his room, the sun hadn't come up yet or the curtains were closed. He looked over only to see Noah. Noah was laying on his back, his hand sliding up and down Philips arm. 

Philip looked away, looking down at the blankets and sheets that covered his lap. He didn't want to acknowledge what just happened. If he did that means it's real. It means he just had a panic attack because he thought his boyfriends arms was his abusers. Noah would leave if he told him that. No one wants to be mistaken for an abuser. He probably already terrified Noah by shoving him away and breathing quickly.

"Philip, baby, are you okay?" Noah whispered, sitting up next to Philip, reaching out to touch him but waiting in case Philip didn't want it.

Philip shook his head, wiping his eyes. "No, I'm fine.. It's fine."

"Do.. you wanna talk about what happened?" He asked, biting his lip. 

Philip shook his head again. "No.. it doesn't matter."

Noah looked at Philip with his big brown eyes and leaned his head on his shoulder. "It does, Philip.. this matters.. your feelings matter.. even if they aren't what everyone wants them to be."

Philip took a deep breath. "I just haven't been touched.. like that.. by someone who wasn't him, I'm sorry."

Noahs arm wrapped around his side and tightened. "Why?"

"Because.. it's like I'm comparing your touch to his."

"Is that what you're doing?"

"No."

"Then there's no reason to be sorry." Noah pressed his nose to his temple. "You want me to leave?"

"I don't know.. I'm sorry."

"Stop trying to apologize for things you can't control, Philip. You're.. You're my boyfriend and if we have to take it slow then we will." He kissed his shoulder. "I wanna make sure you feel safe and happy in this relationship."

Philip nodded. He didnt know how to react. It was a new concept, to have people care about him and not want to push him. "Thank you.. a lot."

"It's what good boyfriends do. They respect you.. they shouldn't.. sit around and try to force you out of your comfort zone."

Philip turned his head and brushed their lips together. "Thank you.. I think I'm gonna go back to bed." 

Noah nodded. "I have work so I think I'm gonna leave."

Anxiety filled Philips veins. What if he needed to leave because Philip scared him? What if he just needed and excuse and work was the easiest one?  Apparently Noah could see the fear in Philips body because he cupped his cheeks and kissed him softly.

"I really like you. Maybe we can go to the movies tonight.. with everyone." His thumbs rubbed along Philips cheeks. "I'll talk to them about it, alright?" He kissed Philips nose then his forehead. "I like you."

"I know."

"It's too early to say love." Noah smiled. "It's why I keep saying it.."

"Okay." It made Philip smile, knowing Noah was reminding him every time he said it. "I like you, too. Have a good day."

"I'll text you on my lunch break and at like.. five. Alright?"

Philip nodded, pecking his lips again. "Okay." 

Noah flashed Philip another smile before tugging on his shoes and grabbing his jacket and walking out of his room. Philip watched out his window to make sure he got in his car and drove away before laying back on his bed. After their date last night they came back to Philips place and watched a couple of movies. It began to storm again and Gabe insisted that Noah would stay over so he didn't have to drive through the terrible weather. His parents were okay with it so after their third movie they went into Philips room and went to bed. With the door wide open.. that was Gabes idea. He said he didn't want any funny business going on.. Philip didn't think he should bring up the fact that if Noah pinned him down he would probably start sobbing.

Being this way made Philip feel broken. He wants it. He wants sex and kissing and all around intimacy, but if he gets any of it he gets scared, he gets flashbacks. It ruins it, he ruins it. He would love to be close to Noah, to have Noah strip off his clothes and kiss the miles of bare skin across his body, but he knew it was unlikely. If they did anything close to that Philip would freeze or cry and the mood would be gone. No matter what Noah says there's no going slow, it's all or nothing for Philip and from the way it looks through Philips glassy eyes, it's nothing.

Philip rolled over and looked at the alarm clock that Gabe had set up on his table. 9:03 am is what it red in bright red lights. He thought back to what Emma said last night. That if he needed anything at all to call. He was going to take her up on that offer. He grabbed his phone off of the night stand and unlocked it, ignoring all of the notifications from the grouochat. They all had to do with Philip and Noah going on a date. The other notifications were from social media and Philip couldn't possibly care less. He tapped on Emma's contact and hit the phone before pressing his phone to his ear and waiting. It only took two rings before she answered.

"Morning." Her voice was soothing. Everything about her was. She made him feel less alone and Philip adored it. That is selfish, isn't it?"

"Morning.. how was your night?" Philip asked. He really did care, too. It was a weird feeling, then again, everything he feels right now seems weird. 

"It was good. Jessica and I went out to dinner after her swim pracrice. How was your date?"

"It was... okay."

"Philip.. did something happen?"

"He spent the night and when I woke up with his arms around me I had an anxiety attack."

"Oh.. honey.." Emma mumbled. "PTSD is a bitch, ain't it?"

Philip nodded. "Was it.. hard with Jessica?"

"To be affectionate? No, I mean, I always warned her that I might freak out and have a panic attack because you can't.. predict that stuff, but I didn't ever do it. We had to wait to.. do that stuff. She had really bad internalized homophobia so we didn't go the fastest, we didn't kiss for months and I did all the hand holding. But when we did.. it was perfect. It was full of love." Emma let out a small laugh. "I just babbled, I'm sorry. Long story short, it's different for everyone, I never had an attack because of sex or affection." 

Philip nodded, again. It seemed to be the only thing he could do this morning. "Okay.. thanks."

"I hope I didn't weird you out."

"You didn't. I'm just trying to figure everything out.. I should talk to him about it, right?"

"Yeah, I would, but make sure he knows it isn't his fault and you make sure you know it isn't your fault."

"I know, thanks, Emma." Philip bit his lip. 

"No problem, Philip, love you." 

It took him off guard. Emma said she loved him and it felt genuine.. it felt real. 

"I love you, too." Philip replied. And he meant it. 

"Bye." 

She had already hung up before Philip could reply.

Philip laid back on his bed and dropped his phone onto his chest. It's different for everyone, that means there's at least a fifty fifty chance that he would panic when they had sex or that he would be fine. Just the chance of it happening gave Philip anxiety. He didn't want to ruin this. What they had was good.. it was great. Philip froze, sitting up, looking at the mirror in the corner of his room. He stood up, stripping off all of his clothes except his boxers and stepped in front of it. The same pang of pain filled his body and made his chest ache and his fingers feel numb. He wasn't looking to get over the anxiety he felt, he was looking to see how obvious the red lines that dance across his thighs looked.

His thighs were pale, the scars either being a darker color than his thighs or a bright red, almost pink color. The newest ones were pink with dashes of red across them. Philip bent over, pressing his hands to the wood that held his dresser together. Noah would see those. Noah would see everything. If he didn't think Philips abuse made him ugly he sure as hell would think the scars and cuts were. Or maybe he would find how thin Philip was. Philip had dealt with eating disorders, mostly in middle school and during freshman year, he'd gotten better about them right before he told. Then it got bad again. Every time he ate he would throw up, anxiety never leaving his body. He decided it was best to just stop eating. It wasn't even destructive, he wasn't doing it to get thinner or more attractive. He was doing it to be less in pain. 

Philips eyes scanned his body. Either way, he still looked terrible. His ribs were slightly poking out. He didn't notice how thin he had gotten until now. He needed to eat. The idea made him feel anxious and sick, but he couldn't look any worse. He couldn't let this thing with Noah end. Noah made him feel good. Noah reminded him he wasn't his past and he won't ever be. That is abuse was part of him but didn't have to ever be all of him. He wasn't going to tell Noah about this, though Noah was already worrying about him enough. Just as Philip was about to touch his ribcage, his phone started blowing up. He tugged his clothes back on and ran over to his bed, unlocking it as fast as he could. The groupchat was going off. He tapped on it and started to read.

Alexandria had left the chat.

From: Clara   
Guys 

From: Clara   
Guys help 

Jasper was the first to reply.

From: Jasper   
What happened 

From: Jessica   
Are you safe? Do you need us to call 911?

From: James   
What's wrong?

From: Clara   
Alex and I were going on a date

From: Clara   
A coffee date at that small coffee shop on the corner 

From: Lindsay  
Baby I don't think the coffee shop is an important detail right now 

From: Philip   
You never know 

From: Clara  
We were talking about the future and how she's leaving for college right after graduation because she's going to Stanford and she started to talk about happy I've made her 

From: Clara   
Made like past tense 

From: Emma   
Oh honey 

From: Clara   
Then she started talking about how she wants to be free in her future and that I'm tying her down and that she doesn't want to have to worry about hurting my feelings when she does stuff in college 

From: Philip   
So she wanted to cheat on you but knew that you'd be sad about it so she dumped you 

From: Jasper   
More or less that's what I'm getting 

From: James   
That bitch, that's so mean, you've done everything for her 

From: Clara   
And I tried to suggest just having an open relationship so we're still together but she can do what she wants and the other way around but she told me that she didn't see me in her future at all and that I was fun while we lasted but she just doesn't want to be with me anymore 

From: Jessica   
I'm gonna beat her ass

From: Emma   
I want to too but that won't make Clara feel better 

From: Philip   
Would us beating her up help?

From: Clara   
No !!!

From: James   
Then that settles that question 

From: Jasper   
What can we do 

From: Clara   
I don't know 

From: Clara   
I'm still at the coffee shop 

From: Clara   
I can't stop crying 

From: Jasper   
That's it then. Emma and Jess go pick her up and spend the day with her. We're meeting at McDonald's at four and we're eating dinner then we're going to the movies. 

From: Clara   
You don't have to 

From: James   
Enough of that you're our friend we're doing this 

Emma: I'll get ready and pick up Jessica 

From: Clara   
Thank you 

From: Philip   
No don't thank us. This is just what you deserve. What she said was mean, she could've said it nicer.

From: Clara   
I love you guys 

From: James   
We love you too.

From: James   
Can I invite my sister and her friends?

From: Japser  
You mean her boyfriend and Stephanie and her girlfriend 

From: James   
Yeah her friend and her friend and her girlfriend 

From: Philip   
The denial is strong in this one

From: Jasper   
Yeah yeah 

From: Jasper   
Philip tell Noah he's at work 

That eased Philips anxiety, knowing that Noah really did have work and he wasn't lying about it to get away from him. He exited the groupchat and opened the chat that just had Noah and him.

To: Noah   
Clara and Alex broke up. We're going to dinner and the movies to cheer her up as a group. Be ready at four.

To: Noah   
Have a good day at work


	21. Chapter 21

Philip was thankful that neither Helen or Gabe were home when Emma came to pick him up. They had both left to go to the city for the night to dance and get drunk. It reminded him of his mother, except she'd get high. Anne was never into drinking, but Todd was. Philip shook his head to get rid of the thought. He wasn't going to think about those things tonight. He was going to let himself enjoy something, he deserved it after what he had been through. Right?

He didn't have time to think about it. Emma was already bounding up the lawn and towards the door. Her hair was down and kept falling in front of her face as she ran. She was wearing s pink long sleeved shirt and jeans with combat boots. Philip stepped outside, shutting and locking the door, smiling at her.

"Hey." He muttered, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "How is she holding up?" 

"She hasn't cried for the past fifteen minutes and she hasn't sobbed for about an hour. We're making progress."

"Doesn't she know there are other girls that would date her?"

"I don't think it's about how hard it might be finding someone new.. I think it's the fact she has to." Emma explained, putting her arm around Philips waist. "Her and Alex had planned an entire life together. How they would be long distance during college and buy a loft when they graduate.. it was just.. Clara relies on plans.. and she isn't really good with change, let alone it being her.. Her soulmate leaving."

"You believe in that stuff?"

"What? Soulmates?"

Philip nodded.

Emma's eyes fell upon the car, more specifically the passenger seat where Jessica was sitting. "I do now."

Philip thought about Noah. He did like him.. a lot. Noah was special and sweet, the sweetest boy Philip had ever met. And Philip did believe in soulmates. But it wasn't with Noah. It was with some stupid boy with dyed blonde hair and a motorcycle and the prettiest eyes and widest smile. But Philip was sure Lukas didn't feel the same. Who says you need to marry your soulmate anyway? Philip liked Noah, he assumes he could love him if they had more time. Maybe Noah will turn into his soulmate... just maybe.

Emma climbed into the car, leaning over and kissing Jessica's cheek. Jessica was sitting in the passenger seat, fixing her makeup while Clara sat silently, looking at her lap. Philip slid into the seat next to her. He put his arm around her and pulled her into his side. It was like watching an angel cry when Clara cried. She was so sweet and gentle and she put everyone else above her. The last thing she needed was someone breaking up with her in the way Alex did.

"Hey." Philip whispered.

Clara nodded, as if he asked her a question. "Hi."

"It'll be okay."

"I'm trying to convince myself it will be but I don't think I'll be okay for a long time." Clara whispered with a broken voice.

Emma backed out of the driveway. "Okay, y'all, I have to pick up Jasper so you can figure out who sits in the middle."

"I'll do it. Im the smallest." Clara muttered.

Jessica smiled at her in the mirror. "You are. Like a little kitten."

Emma glared at her. "I thought I was your kitten."

"Puppy, Clara, you're a little puppy." Jessica put her hand on Emma's thigh and smiled at her. "Jealous?"

Emma rolled her eyes. "You know I am."

"I like it." Jessica leaned over to kiss her cheek.

"You're going to ruin your makeup."

"I don't care." Jessica hummed.

Philip smirked. "That's true love."

Emma flipped him off.

"You can fight Philip later, but for now, keep your hands on the wheel." Jessica muttered, slapping her arm but not hard enough for it to hurt.

Emma sighed and put her other hand on the wheel, turning down a corner.

"How you doing back there?" Jessica asked, turning around and looking at Clara and Philip.

"I haven't cried again."

"Good. Who knows, maybe this will be easier than we thought." She flashed a smile and reached back, ruffling Claras hair.

Emma pulled up to a small apartment complex that Philip remembered driving past on the way to Helen and Gabes. It was odd having memories around these people only after a few weeks but it was good, too. Now he didn't have only the bad ones to think about. Jasper walked out, a olive green jacket almost took big for him wrapped around him. Clara climbed out of the car and Philip followed before she got back in. Philip climbed in so he was sitting behind Jessica and Jasper sat behind Emma.

"Evening ladies, Philip." Jasper smiled. "Have we decided the movie we're seeing?"

"I don't know." Emma sighed. "You guys can discuss that when we get to the theater."

"Is everyone really coming?" Clara asked. "Because I don't think I can take any more 'how are you doing' conversations. I rather not think about it."

"To be fair, I don't think anyone is stupid enough to ask this." Jasper grinned.

Clara rolled her eyes. "James would."

"Because James is worried about all of us. Hes the dad friend." Jessica sighed, looking at herself in the mirror again. 

Emma started driving again, glancing back in the mirror every few seconds to check on Clara. "As much as we want you to feel better you don't have to pretend to be okay."

Jasper wrapped his arm around her. "Yeah, we just want you to know you can talk to us."

Clara sighed. "It just feels like nothing." She shrugged. "I sound stupid, don't I?"

"No, you don't." Philip smiled. "You sound like someone who's upset. Feelings are confusing and they suck." 

"I just wish I had a Noah. But a female version."

Philip looked down at his lap. Mentioning Noah shouldn't make him feel guilty. He should just be honest and tell Noah what's happened. It can't be that hard. "Yeah, I'm lucky."

Jessica looked back at Clara. "I think you're the female version of James."

"True. You two are the parents. We would all die without you." Jasper pointed out.

Clara rolled her eyes. "I just want to kiss cute girls who won't screw me over."

"Boy, is that a mood." Jessica sighed.

"Excuse you." Emma glanced at her, a smirk spreading across her lips. "You got a girl right here."

Jessica nodded, leaning over and kissing her cheek. "I do. But eyes on the road." She slid her hand across her thigh, winking.

"Keep it PG." Jasper called.

"Bite me." Emma scoffed, pulling into the parking lot of the movie theater.

"No thanks, that'd be animal abuse."

Emma parked and unbuckled her seatbelt, climbing out. "I'm gonna put my foot so far up that tight ass."

Jasper smiled at her. "Thanks for the compliment."

Jessica laughed. "Mom, they're fighting again." She called as she climbed out of the car. She walked around to Emma and wrapped her arms around her waist and lifted her up, carrying her away from Jasper.

Philip climbed out of the car and held the door open for Emma as she climbed out. He put an arm around her shoulders as they began to walk inside, James following close behind once he got out of the car. They all walked in and were happily greeted by the rest of their friends. James had both of his arms wrapped around Lindsey's waist, her arms around his neck. Amanda was leaning against the wall, playing with Ryans hands. They were smiling wide. Stephanie and Mariana were both on their phones, showing each other different things and giggling. Noah was on his phone but looked up and smiled when he saw Philip. Everything seemed happy.. and for once, everything really was.

They made their way over, James walking up and wrapping his arms tight around Clara. He said something to her that Philip couldn't hear before pulling away and attaching himself to Lindsey once more. Emma and Jessica walked over to them while Mariana and Stephanie made their way towards Philip. 

Mariana smiles and stopped in front of Philip. "I don't think we've met yet. I'm Mariana."

Philip gave her a small wave. "I'm Philip."

"Yeah, that's wha-"

Noah cut Mariana off when he walked over to Philip and kissed his cheek. "Hey, I've missed you." He smiled.

Philip smiled back, thankful for Noah ending the awkward conversation before it had to begin. "I missed you." He grinned, cupping Noah's cheek and pulling him into a kiss.

Noah kissed back happily before pulling away and rubbing their noses together. "Did you have a good day?"

Philip nodded, watching Stephanie and Mariana walk towards the group that consisted of James, Lindsey, Jasper, Emma, Clara, Jessica, Amanda, and Ryan. "Did you have a good day?"

Noah shrugged. "It was tiring but I'm just glad that I get to be away from work and spend time with you." He wrapped his arms around Philips waist and rubbed his lower back. He leaned down and kissed the shell of his ear. "You're beautiful, you know that?"

Philip blushed and buried his face in Noah's neck, smiling as wide as he could. He wrapped his arms around Noah and just stayed there. Those few seconds that Philip spent wrapped in his arms were probably the calmest seconds Philip has had in a while. 

Minutes later they were all crowded around the ticket area, discussing the movie they wanted to see. They all settled on the newest horror movie, mostly because all of the couples wanted and excuse to be all over each other, Noah and Philip included. That left out Jasper and Clara of course, Clara being newly single and Jasper not caring about dating or anything else like that, but he promised he would cuddle Clara during the scary parts anyway. They all bought their tickets and were on their way over to the concession stands when Amanda gasped.

"Rose!" She called happily, running towards the doors of the movie theater. She wrapped her arms around Rose who happily hugged back.

"Hey." Rose smiled. "I didn't know you were here."

"We're having this big movie thing for a friend." Amanda explained. 

Rose nodded. "I'm on a group date."

Philip looked over at Emma anxiously. Emma was already looking at him wideeyed. She rushed over, grabbing him by the arm and tugging him to the side.

"What are the odds?" Philip  whispered, running his fingers through his hair.

"Pretty big. This is a small town with almost nothing in it. Of course this is really bad and really awkward if everything I know is true." Emma muttered.

"It is, sadly." Philip took a deep breath. "Plus, Noah has.. a problem with Lukas."

"More a problem than his boyfriend liking him?"

"He thinks Lukas is homophobic." Philip glanced back at the group who all seemed to be watching Amanda and Rose talk. "Lets just tell them to get food and go to our movie."

Emma nodded, putting on a huge smile and walking over to the group with Philip following behind her, trying to match her enthusiastic smile with his own. Emma wrapped her arms around Jessica and Noah's arms snaked around Philips waist. Emma began to speak but she was cut off by a familiar voice floating through the air.

"Hey, baby." Lukas spoke, walking into the theater and immediately stepping up next to Rose. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed her head. "Sup, Amanda."

"Hey." Amanda smiled. "So, about dance practice, are we still having that emergency one tomorrow?" 

Rose nodded, taking Lukas' hand and playing with it. "Yeah, there's just a competition coming up and they're worried about us winning with some of the freshman."

Amanda nodded. "Yeah, they don't reallt try, huh?"

Rose shook her head. "Lukas is lucky he doesn't have to deal with freshman."

Lukas looked down. "What?"

"We're talking about how annoying all of the freshman are." Rose smiled.

Lukas smiled back, nodding and looking around. His eyes fell upon Philips group, scanning each one of the people, not really caring until he saw Noah, more specifically, Noah with his arms wrapped around Philip. He clenched his jaw and looked Philip up and down before biting his lip.

"Why is he staring?" Jessica mumbled, looking at her nails.

"God knows why." Jasper sighed. "He's weird."

"Then why does everyone love him?" Mariana whispered.

"Because he's with Rose." James replied. "And Rose is like the best. Like no lie. She's sweet and nice and smart and could probably kill you."

Noah chuckled. "He probably pays her to date him then, considering how much of a dick he is."

Philip put his hand on Noah's chest. "Noah, babe, forget about him."

"I should, shouldn't I?" Noah mumbled.

Philip nodded, pulling him down into a kiss. 

"Philips right." Emma muttered. "He is just some homophobe."

While Amanda and Rose talked and the group waited more of Lukas' friends came in. Kayla was the first inside, pulling some boy behind her. She had her arms around his arm and her head on his shoulder. He was probably her boyfriend. He had curly hair and bright green eyes and Philip was sure if Kayla wasn't dating him and if Philip wasn't dating Noah Philip would pull the boy into the bathroom and makeout with him. But that's beside the point.

Kayla grinned and pulled away from her boyfriend as she rushed over to Amanda and Rose. "Hey!" She called happily, wrapping one arm around Amanda and giving her a side hug. "Are you excited for tomorrow?"

Amanda rolled her eyes. "God, no. I have a life."

Rose shook her head. "You have no life when you have dance, plus, you can blame Brittney, she's the one who planned it. I'm just co captain."

Kayla nodded. "Well, you'll be captain next year so hopefully you'll spare us a little."

Rose smirked. "You. Wish."

"God knows I do." Amanda laughed.

As Kayla laughed she glanced and grinned as Philip caught her eye. She waved and said goodbye to the girls as she walked over. "Awe. Date night?"

Philip nodded, smiling. "I'm guessing it's the same for you?"

Kayla nodded, looking over her shoulder at the boy she came with. "That's Matthew. He's a senior."

Philip nodded, looking down and shuffling his feet awkwardly.

"Hey, Emma." Kayla's tone changed quickly.

Emma scoffed. "Are you really gonna pull this stuff here?"

Philip frowned. "What?"

"Nothing." Kayla replied with a smirk, turning around and walking away.

"Yeah, it better be nothing." Clara snapped.

"What.. just happened?" Philip asked, glancing between Clara and Emma.

Emma rolled her eyes. "The dance team. It's clichè, really."

"We used to share the gym, but we needed more room to practice our stunts and teach more. So we asked for it to ourselves. We got it and now the dance team have to practice in an old room so they hate us." Clara explained. "It's childish but they're always rude."

Philip nodded. "Um...okay.." 

Lindsey walked up, peeking around. "What did she say?"

"She was just salty." Emma shrugged. "I just don't wanna deal with this stuff.."

Lindsey nodded. "I got in a fight with Rose once. Like hair pulling."

"Oh my god!" 

"What? She deserved it."

James stepped up behind her. "She did not. Lindsey was just mad that the dance team took their song." 

"Shes co captain." Lindsey grumbled.

"Lets just go to the movie." James smiled, wrapping his arms around everyone and guiding them back to the concessions. 

They began to make their way over once again, Philips eyes still glued on Amanda. Well, that was his excuse, he was really staring at Lukas who had been almost completely silent. He just leaned back and forth on each foot and kept an arm around Rose. He glanced around, unable to keep his eyes on the same thing for more than a few seconds. It was almost painful to tear his eyes away from Lukas. But he couldn't. It was bad. What he was doing to Noah was bad and what Lukas was doing to Rose was bad? But God, did it feel amazing. Being with Lukas was a heavenly light feeling. Philip shook his head. It was stupid to still be obsessing over all of this. He was being stupid. 

He squeezed Noah's hand and smiled. "Do you wanna share a popcorn?"

"Like in the movies?" Noah teased.

Philip nodded. "Yeah."

They all ordered and got their food and their drinks. Emma, Jessica and Clara were the last ones up. The girl working behind the counter was named Dasia and she was a senior at Red Hook. Emma and Jessica got their nachos and they stood with Clara as she ordered, according to James she had terrible anxiety about that kind of thing.

Dasia smiled down at her, waiting patiently. "I really like your shirt. It looks good on you."

Emma gasped and grabbed at Jessica's hand. 

"What?" Jessica whispered. 

"That wasn't a compliment." Emma explained in a low voice. "It was a flirtation."

"Why did you call it flirtation?" Jessica whispered.

"Not the point. The point is that Clara is getting flirted with and we're in the way." Emma smiled, backing away, slowly. "We're gonna go pick seats." 

Clara glanced behind her and nodded kind of slowly. "Okay?" She turned back around and smiled at Dasia. "I like your.. uniform.."

Dasia laughed and it was the most beautiful sound Clara had heard all day. "Thanks, the theater gave it to me." 

They fell silent but Dasia began to speak again. "Weren't you dating Alexandria?"

Emma stopped walking and pulled Jessica with her. They sat down at a bench a few feet away from the counter and listened to the conversation in case it went down hill.

"Yeah. She broke up with me though." Clara replied. She surprised herself. It was the first time she hadn't started crying when it was brought up. Maybe it's the power of pretty girls. 

Dasia nodded. "I'm sorry. That must really suck." She reached out and touched her hand. "I'm here if you need anything."

Clara took a deep breath and looked up at Dasia. "I think I need your phone number.

By now everyone had stopped and waited, keeping their eyes on Jessica and Emma to figure out if anything good or bad had happened. 

Dasia looked Clara up and down before biting her lip. "I guess I have to give it to you then." She winked, grabbing a napkin and writing her number on it before handing it to Clara.

Emma and Jessica jumped up, clapping and running towards the others.

"She got the girls number!" Jessica whisper yelled.

James grinned and so did Lindsey. Noah wrapped an arm around Philip and pulled him into his side, kissing his head. They all waited for Clara to come back over and once she did they all crowded around her.

"I forgot to get a drink." Clara laughed. 

"You're a worthless gay." Philip teased.

Emma nodded. "She's so pretty."

"I know right?" Clara whispered.

Jessica kissed Emma's shoulder. "Prettier than me."

Jasper laughed. "We all know thats impossible." He teased.

As they began walking to the theater they heard voices coming from Lukas' group. Three more boys and one girl had joined Rose, Matthew, Kayla, and Lukas, but Philip didn't know any of their names.

"What are they freaking out about?" A girl with tan skin and dark curly hair asked.

Kayla shrugged. "Who knows? They do have cheerleaders in their group. They're probably cheering over someone breathing."

Rose laughed. "No, it's because Clara got the girls number. I think she's moving a little fast."

"Didn't Alex dump her this morning?" One of the three guys asked.

Amanda nodded. "Yeah, that's why we came here." Amanda fixed the straps of her purse that were digging into her shoulder before sighing. "I should get going."

"See you at practice." The curly haired girl called.

"See you, Camila. Tell me how the movie is guys." Amanda called as she made her way back over to the group, holding hands with Ryan and linking arms wirh Stephanie. "You guys ready?"

They all nodded and walked down the long all, turning to the left and going into theater nineteen. The last person Philip looked at wasn't Noah, it was Lukas, but he prayed no one could tell. About twenty minutes into the movie Philip got a text. He turned the brightness down before unlocking it and reading the text.

From: Lukas   
Meet me behind the theater 

Philip closed his phone and told Noah that he was going to the bathroom. He slipped his phone into his pocket and walked out of the theater as fast as he could. He snuck out the back exit and smirked when he saw Lukas.

"Hey." Lukas mumbled.

"Aren't you in a date?" Philip asked, crossing his arms. The air was cool outside and Philip couldn't help but shiver.

Lukas stepped closer, a smirk forming on his lips. "Aren't you?"

Philip nodded, tilting his head up to keep eye contact with him.

"Guess we're both breaking the rules, then." Lukas tilted Philips head up a bit more before kissing him.

Philip pulled away. "Cheating is more than breaking a few rules."

"Then tell me you don't want me." 

Philip was silent.

"Go on." Lukas stepped back. "Tell me to stop and I will."

"You're an asshole." Philip breathed out, grabbing Lukas by the belt loops and pulling him against him.

Lukas kissed him hard, pressing Philip against the rough brick wall of the theater. The air was getting cooler but the space between them was a feverish hot. Lukas' cold hands slipped up Philips shirt as their hips ground together and their lips connected. Philip tilted his head to the side as Lukas kissed down his neck. Philip decided it was best to focus on the pain of Lukas' biting his neck and digging his nails into his sides and his back scraping against the brick than to think about how hard it would be to explain this if he got caught. 

Lukas was ruining everything Philip stood for and Philip couldn't help but love it.

"Lukas." Philip breathed out.

Lukas pulled away. "What? You want me to stop?"

Philip took a deep breath and stared at him silently for a few seconds before shaking his head. "No."

"Then what?"

"Kiss me again."

And Lukas did.

Again.

And again.

And again.


	22. Chapter 22

A month later it was March fifteenth. Philip hadn't slept the entire night, he was too busy worrying. How would court go? Would the judge really let Anne come back? Philip had been out of the house since January, that had to have been long enough to decide that Anne really was a fit mother. She didn't do anything wrong. She dated the wrong guy. If Philip didn't blame her for dating Todd the court shouldn't either. It was stupid, the government was stupid. The entire time they went to court and struggled to even get a restraining order it felt like they were defending Todd. It took months to get a simple restraining order because they kept making them jump through hoops. The first time they tried they were denied and didn't get a reason. The next two times it was because paperwork was "lost." The fourth time it was because Todd didn't show up. The fifth time was a month long restraining order and the sixth was a lifetime restraining order. Within the months they had to wait Todd had broken in while Philip was home and while he wasn't. It was illegal for them to kick him out because he had helped pay for the apartment. It counted as his property. Philip started to think he did too.

Stepping out of the shower, Philip took a deep breath and grabbed a towel, rubbing it across his dripping wet hair. He glanced at the door and didn't feel the need to step in front of it and block it. He felt like he was getting better. He didn't have the need to constantly protect himself, well, the feeling was there, just not as much. Yeah, he still locked doors in one movement instead of two, but that had become a habit. He no longer felt as scared in the house.

The past month in general had been a big month for Philip. He started going out with his friends more. Going to parties or to the closest mall, or to the movies or just walking around. He hadn't been alone much with Lukas in the past month and he had done his best to control himself around him. He couldn't keep hurting Noah and he finally stopped. Lukas still flirted and kissed his neck and pulled him close but he would smile and pull away. As much as he wanted to he wouldn't allow himself to slip back.

Granted, today will be the day Philip will be told he's going home. He was sure of it and so was Sydney. Philip was going to miss his friends and leaving Noah would be painful but he knew he couldn't do a long distance relationship. They had made a plan to visit and hang out but Philip knew the most they would end up doing in a few months was just text each other from time to time again. But Philip had been happy. His mother had been clean and Todd listened to the order and not messed with her. He had friends that felt like a family and he had Gabe which, as weird as it sounds, was the closest to a father figure he had. They got close while Helen was at work, he even taught Philip about his boat and how to use it. He didn't know Philip was terrified of the water but Philip didn't have the heart to tell him, he could always make excuses. But the way Gabes voice dripped happiness as he explained everything was beautiful. Not in the weird way, but in the wow-not-everything-is-miserable-you-can-find-good-things-in-life-to-be-happy-about way. Helen and him had never gotten close, probably because neither were willing to try. It didn't seem to hurt either of him, though, so Philip couldn't find a way to care about it.

Philip had to admit he was excited to see Sydney. They had gotten close during all of the court dates and meetings with different lawyers. He hadn't been able to see her since she dropped him off at Helen and Gabes. She did promise that if, no, not if, when the judge agrees to letting him go back home that she'll stay and help him pack everything up before driving him back to his apartment. She reminded him of his mother. She was gentle and caring and she always saw the good in Philip when no one else could. She was never fearful of Philip and never thought he was broken. Philip adored her and he was thankful he got to meet her when he did. He was almost positive that if he hadn't he wouldn't have made it to the last court date.

Philip began to dry his body, trying his best to shake the thought of suicide from his mind. Whenever he thought about it he felt overwhelming  guilt. He couldn't do that to his mother, she didn't deserve it, Anne didn't deserve anything she got. If Philip could he would take all of her pain away and put it on himself. He finished trying off and quickly pulled on his clothes. He pulled on his boxers first, then his nicest pair of black pants. He rolled on deodorant and slipped on his long sleeve button up white shirt. He had to rebutton it a few times because he kept messing up the buttons and which hole they went into. 

Once he got back to his room he saw that it was only five in the morning. He had to urge to text Noah but he knew neither Noah or the rest of his friends would be awake by now. It was a school day and he knew all of them avoided waking up early as best as they could. He decided to at least text Emma, she told him he always could and she was the only person who understood how hard it was.

To: Emma   
Court starts in three and a half hours. 

To: Emma   
Well we have to be there in three and a half hours it doesn't start until nine 

To: Emma   
I'm sorry I'm just nervous 

To: Emma   
I'll stop spamming you now   
Love you 

He shut his phone off and set it back down on his nightstand and rubbed his hands across his thighs. His palms were already getting slick with sweat and Philip hated it. Surprisingly, he didn't feel tired. It was probably the mix of fear and anxiety pulsing through his veins. Philip looked around his room and sighed. If everything goes to plan, and hopefully it does, he will be packing this room tonight. He would be sad to leave, his friends were home, but so was his mother. But they all supported him going back, the only person who didn't was Lukas and Philip knows it isn't because Lukas feels the same as him. Lukas didn't do the romantic stuff that Philip did and Lukas was impossible to read. He avoided talking about feelings and almost talking in general. All he cared about was pressing his lips to any piece of Philip he could.

Lukas was amazing, he was talented and he was beautiful and he had Philip wrapped around his finger for the most part. Every time he called Philip came, but Philip had drawn the line with cheating. He couldn't do it anymore. The guilt was too much and the fact that Noah was probably the best guy to ever exist didn't help. They had gotten in a fight, recently, Lukas and Philip. It was when Philip mentioned leaving after the court date today. Lukas told him that it wasn't that big of a deal and he should just stay. Philip tried to explain but Lukas didn't want to listen so he snapped. He yelled at Lukas telling him that he didn't understand what it was like to not fit in and to feel alone and as if home almost doesn't exist. That shut Lukas up. He just looked down and muttered about how he knows how that feels. And that was the end of it. They haven't talked since and honestly, Philip was upset about it. Lukas isn't the greatest, not by far, he isn't perfect and he isn't the best thing for Philips life, but Philip loved the time they spent together and Lukas managed to make him smile when it felt impossible. 

Philip picked up his phone and unlocked it, hitting Lukas' chat.

To: Lukas   
Hey 

To: Lukas   
I know you're pissed for some stupid reason (you always are) but of things go well I'm coming back tonight and packing 

To: Lukas   
Do you wanna help?

He hit send and shut his phone off, standing up and walking over to his closet. He pulled it open and looked inside, sighing. His closet was still almost empty considering he never really unpacked and hung things up. He just stuffed them in drawers or left them in the boxes he brought. Philip didn't see the point in unpacking when this wasn't home. Some of the people were, but this house won't ever be home. Noah felt like home, so did Emma, he was closest with them but he loves everyone in their group. It was insanely lucky that they had met. But Philip still felt guilt. Guilt for cheating and guilt for being happy to leave. He just didn't belong their and he prayed that Noah would understand that. He planned on breaking up with him since he was leaving but he prayed Noah would understand. He couldn't lose him, Noah has seen him at his worst and still cared about him. Philip had never really had someone like that.

It was around five forty five in the morning when Philips phone started buzzing. It wasn't the buzz of one text either, it was continuous, one after the other, some even sending it at the same time. It was weird that the groupchat was blowing up so early in the morning so something must have happened. 

Philip unlocked and opened the phone, tapping on the groupchat.

From: Noah   
Guys 

From: Noah   
Guys wake up something happened 

From: Noah   
Seriously this is really bad 

From: Noah   
Something happened with Dylan 

After a month that name still made Philip feel sick. After two weeks of being there Dylan kind of disappeared. Clara said it's just what he does, that he shuts down and isolates himself as a defense mechanism. Philip had only seen him a half full of times anyway and they barely ever talked. He wasn't active online and he didn't text anyone but Noah and Clara. It wasn't Philips problem and he wasn't worried.

From: Clara   
You got the call too?

From: Noah   
My mom did 

From: Jessica   
What call?

From: Jasper   
What's happening guys it's too early for this 

From: Noah   
Dylan is in the hospital 

From: Clara   
He's in the hospital 

From: Emma   
Wait what??? Why 

From: Clara   
He hurt himself 

From: Noah   
He tried to kill himself 

From: Jasper   
What? Did he tell anyone 

From: Noah   
According to the hospital they don't know 

From: Emma   
Oh my god 

From: Emma   
Do you really think it was suicide?

From: James   
Suicide? What 

From: James   
I need to read what happened 

Seconds later James sent another text.

From: James   
Oh my god 

From: James   
Is he okay? What do we know?

From: Noah   
He's in the hospital 

From: Amy  
What did he do?

From: Clara   
He tried to overdose and he was found passed out

From: Jessica   
Did he show any signs?

From: Noah   
He hasn't talked to me in a week I don't know 

From: Clara   
I just thought he was doing what he always does i had no idea 

Philip felt like he should say something. These were his friends and even if he didn't know or really care about Dylan, he should try and be nice.

From: Philip   
There was no way to know 

From: Philip   
It isn't ever anyone's fault 

From: Amy   
Philip is right it was impossible to know 

From: Amy   
We can just go visit him when we can and support him as he recovers 

From: Amy   
And hopefully he'll be able to get some help 

From: Amy   
But all we can do is pray and try to carry on he wouldn't want us stopping our lives for him 

From: Noah   
Yeah let's just get ready for school 

And with that the groupchat calmed down again, no one spoke in it, it was completely quiet, probably because no one knew what to say. If Philip was being honest he felt bad, today was a great day for him while all of his friends and even his boyfriend are suffering because their friend is in the hospital. He decided when the judge makes his decision and let's Philip go home he just won't tell anyone and go on with packing. He had the rest of his life to talk about this, his friends deserve time to mourn or worry or be angry. 

When six thirty came around Philip was almost out the door and down the road, or at least that's what Gabe had been saying. Sydney was coming to pick him up and drive him since she was part of the group representing him and his case. He was excited, he was going home. Philip didn't think he could get this happy about a court hearing but he was ecstatic. He had been pacing in front of the front door for almost twenty minutes. He had his phone shut off in his pocket and his head phones just in case he started freaking out and needing music. He also had a smooth rock in his pocket. It was a weird thing but when he was dealing with all the court issues about the restraining order Sydney gave him a rock and told him that if he ever started panicking or getting flashbacks to touch the rock and think about how it feels to ground himself. Philip had kept the rock through ever court date and every meeting about how case. 

Philips head shot up when he heard the rocks on the driveway crunching and shifting around and the sound of the car motor. He pushed open the door and ran off the porch and down the yard, smiling as wide as he could.

Sydney stepped out of the car, her black pencil skirt wrinkling as she moved. She grabbed her purse and looked up at Philip, smiling. "Philip!" 

Philip wrapped his arms around Sydney and pulled her close, burying his face in her neck. "I missed you."

Sydney smiled and patted his back. "I missed you. Are you ready to kick some butt in court today?"

"You can say ass."

"Me swearing on the job is frowned upon." She pulled away and patted his cheek. "You can get in the car and change the stations or whatever. I need to go talk with Helen and Gabe and then we'll be on our way."

Philip nodded. "I'll go with you. How have you been?"

"I've been good. I got a raise so thats great." She glanced at him before walking ahead. She walked like she owned the world. Philip was almost positive if she tried she could. "How have you been?"

"Good. I made friends."

Sydney seemingly brightened up. "That's so great, I'm so proud of you, when I dropped you off you didn't even seem to want to try and make friends."

Philip smiled, looking down at the ground. It always felt good when someone was proud of him. "Thank you." He muttered.

Sydney stepped up on the porch and opened the door, walking inside. "Helen? Gabe?"

Gabe peeked his head out of the kitchen and smiled. "Sydney! We've been waiting. We have donuts in case you're hungry."

Sydney stepped past him. "Thank you so much, you re too kind." She picked up a donut from the box and took a bite humming. "Anyway, I just wanted to explain some things about the hearing. Philip and I will go up, you can join us or you can watch or you can wait outside. It's all up to you and to Philip. You'll do whatever they say if they call you up. He probably won't but just say Philip is a good kid, we all know he is. Hopefully, and it's very likely, the judge will grant Anne custody and you guys will help Philip pack and I'll drive him home. We're planning on that ending, there's no reason for him to say no. They did a background check and all Anne has is a parking ticket and she doesn't even have a car anymore." 

Gabe nodded. "I'll explain it to Helen on the way there. We have an hour long drive anyway."

Sydney nodded, smiling. "You're right and that means Philip and I need to get going if we're gonna be able to check in on time and make sure everything is ready. You ready?"

Philip nodded quickly, his curls bouncing on his forehead.

Sydney turned around and walked out of the house, her heels clicking loudly on the wooden floor. Philip adored her. He admired her but he didn't really have a reason why. She was just strong and she did things the way she wanted and she got things done. She could be sweet but Philip had seen her get angry at people. She was perfect a her job, it was almost as if the job was made for her.. or she was made for the job.

The car was cool when Philip climbed inside, he could tell Sydney had the air conditioning blasting on her way here. He shut the door and buckled his seat belt, pushing back against the passenger seat. He normally sat in the back, but today was different. Today he was hours away from being home and being with his mom again. Life wasn't bad anymore. 

Sydney climbed in and started the car, buckling her own seat belt. She tossed her purse into the back and rolled her shoulders back and stretched her neck. "If I have to drive down here more than one more time I might go insane."

Philip nodded. "Same. It's.. boring. I'm sick of it."

She backed out of the driveway and got onto the road, tapping her hands on the steering wheel. "Did you not enjoy Tivoli?" 

He sighed and looked out the window. "It wasn't the worst, I liked it more than the boys home, and I had friends but.. I miss my mom. No town can be good enough."

Sydney nodded. "I understand. It must have been hard being so far away from her."

"It was.." Philip trailed off, watching out the window. Buses flew past them and a small part of Philip wished he was on them. He was already missing his friends and it was such a foreign feeling he had no idea how to react to it. "I think I'm just gonna try and.. relax. Maybe sleep."

"Okay." Sydney reached out and turned the radio up. It was a pop song, one of the popular ones everyone knows, but she changed it to classical music before Philip could complain about how loud it was.

Philip closed his eyes and leaned back against the seat, trying to think about good things. Books and animals. The holidays. Anything to take away the anxiety that was slowly overwhelming him. He was sure that he was going to go home tonight, everyone was, but he was still scared about dealing with everything that went with going home. Todd still knowing where he was and leaving all the people he had become close to. It was like he was leaving one family to join another. It was scary and Philip hated it. He never had friends like that in the city, real friends that cared and talked to him. In the city all he got was people that partied with him and took him to clubs. Not people who sent him texts to check on how he was feeling.

He wanted to unlock his phone but he didn't need any more problems. It's selfish but Philip didn't want to spend the time before he went into court hearing everyone talk about how terrible it is that Dylan tried to kill himself. He also didn't want to deal with talking to Lukas. Yeah, he sent Lukas a text but he didn't want a conversation, especially one that would turn into a fight, just like everything with Lukas did.

Seeing the courthouse again filled Philip with some hope. He had been to it so many times he had it memorized. He knew everything he had to say or do. Plus, He had Sydney who coached him through what every hearing would be like. Helen and Gabe pulled in fifteen minutes after they had gotten to the court house and if anything it raised Philips anxiety. This was really happening. It was real. And it was insane. Helen and Gabe climbed out of their cars and Sydney and Philip did the same. They stood together and talked, Helen and Gabe deciding to sit and wait outside instead of going into the courtroom with Philip.

Stepping inside the court house was always scary. There security guards were in the door way, one taking your belongings and the other guiding you through the metal detector. The third one stood off to the side and waited to wand you down in case you set off the detector. Once you made your way past the metal detectors and security guards it was nothing but people rushing around, workers and random people who may need a restraining order or to get something signed. Philip remembered the first time he was here there was a row of people in orange jumpsuits that just walked right by. It was terrifying considering there was only one guard with them. They all crowded into the elevator and went down to the basement, Helen and Gabe sitting on a bench near the bathrooms while Sydney and Philip checked in and sat down in the court room. They were on the right side, thats where the "good" people sat. When Philips eyes landed on Anne who was sitting on the left his heart broke. She was on the left side, which were considered the "bad" people.

The judge came out and weeded through the people who didn't have the person they were up against come. They had to leave while everyone else moved forward through the rows of seats. Once that was over they started dealing with cases. The judge lined people up on each side of the podium and dealt with each of their classes surprisingly quickly. Philip was bouncing his leg and popping his fingers over and over, looking around anxiously.

"Anne Shea. Philip Shea. Please approach." 

Philip stopped breathing as he stood up and made his way to the podium, Sydney following behind him. She nudged him, smiling and mouthing 'good luck.'

He needed it.


	23. Chapter 23

Philip wasn't sure when he started crying, he didn't even know if he could've stopped it, but tears were already streaming down his red cheeks when he stepped out of the court room. He was in shock, his body reacting before his mind, he was shaking, he knew that because he could see his hands moving without intention. It was impossible. This couldn't be happening. His heart was thumping so loud he couldn't hear any of the voices around him and he could barely see, everything was a blurry outline, only coming into focus when tears slipped out, the focus didn't stay for long before it was replaced with more tears. Philip struggled to breath and he grabbed for the first thing he could reach. He heard a sigh and he felt a hand on his back and another on his arm. It must've been Sydney, it had to be.

Helen and Gabe knew what the answer was as soon as Philip came out of the court room, gasping for air, head down, tears falling from his cheeks. He let out loud sobs and he gripped Sydney harder than he thought but she didn't give any reaction. It was like she knew it was happening somehow, she didn't, she prayed the answer would be anything than this, and no one expected it, but she didn't even flinch when Philip sobbed and clung to her.

During a further investigation police found out Anne was using drugs. She wasn't clean and her drug test came back positive, her body pumped full of different things. They treated her like a criminal. She wasn't allowed to speak and once she left a police officer followed. Anne didn't even get to say anything to him.

Helen and Gabe stood up silently and Philip assumed that they tried to speak because Sydney shushed them.

"We should go. More people will be coming out and I don't think Philip wants to spend any more time here." Sydney rubbed his back as they crowded into the elevator and stood silently. The only noise to be heard was Philips sobs. 

The government had failed Philip in so many ways and sadly, him walking out of the court house, crying, wasn't unusual. It happened for months. People probably remember him and think he's pathetic. He knows he is. He knows he is because he let himself het excited and believe that they would be fair. But they aren't, they never are. They protect the wrong people and tear apart the only good parts of families that are left.

Philips chest ached. His head was throbbing and his eyes were sore from all the rubbing that he did to wipe tears away. He knew his face was red and his lips were chapped, but he didn't care. He wasn't going home and he wouldn't for a while. Anne needed to get into rehab and be in it successfully before the thought of her being Philips guardian again even comes up. The next thing he began to feel was pressure. His world was crumbling down and each broken piece landed on top of him. It was stupid for him to think things were getting better. Things were never better for him, they just became tolerable.

"Okay." Sydney finally said as they walked out of the building. Philip was standing beside her now, his eyes on the ground, his body no longer shaking because of the sobs, instead there were silent tears falling from his cheeks. "So.. Anne needs to go to rehab and I know the woman. She'll do what's best for Philip so we know she'll listen to the judge. It will take some time but maybe she can get visiting if she's good."

Gabe nodded. "We'll do whatever we can."

"The thing is, if Anne needs help she needs to ask either you or Helen. Philip is off limits. She isn't allowed to see him or speak to him." She looked at him and gave him a small smile. "They always take the wrong people. Anne is a lovely woman who got stuck with a shitty boyfriend who did terrible, disgusting things. She's coping and coping isn't always healthy. But we are going to help her." Sydney wrapped an arm around Philip and pulled him close. "So when Anne gets you back she'll be happy and healthy."

Philip nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. His mouth was dry. "I just want to go home, please.." 

Sydney took a deep breath and nodded at Helen and Gabe before walking towards her car. She didn't try to speak to Philip, thankfully, she had been around him so much that now she knows he won't talk when he's crying. He never did. Philip hated admitting that he was crying. He hated knowing he was showing a feeling that wasn't stone cold and okay. If he cried then people knew he felt something and when you're dealing with these kinds of people you don't want them knowing that they're getting to you. You had to be fine.

Philip climbed into the car, wiped his eyes for the tenth time and leaned back against the car seat. He turned on the warmer despite it being eighty five degrees outside and he closed his eyes, canceling out the world around him. He took deep breaths and he laid his hand on his thigh. When he took a deep breath he traced the left side of his finger and when he breathed out he traced down the left side. He did that fifteen times, tracing his hand fully three times. He focused on the feeling of his finger brushing against his hand and the way his hand felt pressing down on the rough denim of his jeans. He needed to ground himself. He needed to be his own anchor.

They were already on the highway when Philip blinked his eyes open. The cars next to him were still blurry and he wasn't sure if it was from tears or from the fact his eyes had been closed for so long. He rubbed his eyes again and glanced at Sydney. 

"I'm sorry." He meant to say it loud, to show her he meant it, but he could barely hear himself say it.

"You didn't do anything wrong." Sydney replied, reaching over and taking Philips hand, holding it tight. "You're insanely strong. I know you hear it a lot but it's true. You're a strong, badass and I admire you."

Philip shook his head. "I just want to be home. They won't.. they can't even compare to my mom.. and I.. I just want a break."

"I can talk to Helen and Gabe about that. We could meet with your school."

"I don't think I can do this anymore." Philip breathed out, tears slipping out of his eyes once more. "I just want it to end. I can't.."

"What can't you do?" Sydney's voice was serious now. She thought he wanted to die. He did.

"School. I can't.. focus, I'm just worried all the time.. it's so frustrating." Philip felt miserable and childish. He shouldn't be crying for his mom. He was seventeen. He had been through hell and back and then hell all over again. He could take being away from his mom. He couldn't, but he had to, there was no other choice than to wait.

Sydney looked at him then back at the road. "I know it doesn't sound real but it will get better. You just have to keep telling yourself that until you begin to believe it." 

Philip stayed silent, his hands in his lap, his eyes on his hands. Happiness seemed miles and miles away and Philip felt like he couldn't walk one more step.

"And I know you don't want to talk and get all emotional but your mom loves and cares about you. I love and care about you. The friends you told me about do. You have a support system and as much as you may hate it or not want to believe it they're there for you. And it isn't ever too late for you to go to therapy." Sydney reached over and ruffled his hair. "You're my favorite, I don't want to see you dragging yourself into the ground just because it's hard." Sydney turned on her turn signal and Philip closed his eyes. 

He loved the way the turn indicator on her car sounded, it sounded like a soft clicking noise.

"Plus, the best part about being at the lowest, shittiest part of your life means it can only get better and it hopefully never will get this bad." She was rambling now and Philip was almost happy about it. It took his own mind off of himself, he couldn't wallow around in his self pity when he had to focus on what she was saying. "I believe in you, Philip, I know you don't, but trust me, I believe in you enough for the both of us and then some."

Philip smiled, it was small and weak, and it matched the exact same way he felt, but it was a smile and it was a step past frowning and a stone cold fast. It was already getting better, right? Maybe. Philip slipped his phone out of his pocket without saying a word and turned it back on. He felt like an idiot. He told everyone in his group, Lukas, and a few close friends from random classes like Alex and Kayla that he was leaving and now he has to tell them all over again that he probably won't be leaving for another few months. The thought of mentioning it made him sick, so sick he had to close his eyes and take steady breaths, rolling the window down despite the rough winds outside. 

His phone buzzed quickly and nearly non stop like it did that morning while his messages updated. Once the buzzing stopped he hit the groupchat and started to read. The first message was at ten, right around the time Philips world began to chip away even more.

From: Noah  
He's gonna be okay 

From: Emma  
What?

From: Jessica  
Dylan?

From: Noah  
Yeah he's gonna be in the hospital for a few more days as he recovers then they're sending him up to the psych ward so they can keep an eye on him for a week or two 

From: Lindsey  
But he's going to be okay?

From: Clara  
Yeah my mom just texted me 

From: James  
Thank God he's fine 

From: James  
I'm gonna strangle his ass I swear 

From: Emma  
No we're visiting him and bringing him presents 

From: Jasper  
What do we even get him? 

From: Jessica  
Candy or something. You can't go wrong with candy.

From: James  
Or money 

From: James  
He plays guitar he probably needs guitar picks or something 

From: Clara  
True 

From: Clara  
Let's all go after school?

From: Emma  
Got it 

From: Jessica  
K

From: Noah  
Got it 

From: James  
Okie dokie 

From: Lindsey  
Okay 

From: Jasper  
Meet outside?

From: Clara  
Yep 

After reading through the conversation Philip felt even worse, he didn't think that was possible, either. The harsh reality had hit him, not of court or the fact he was going to be away from his mother even longer, but the fact no one else's world had stopped, only his. No one else around him felt like they were suffocating and no one else around him was losing everything they had and then some. Only him. And for some reason, the fact no one else felt the pain but him, made him angry and even sadder.

"Was that your friends?" Sydney asked, looking over at Philip with a sad smile. "Are they being nice?"

Philip stuffed his phone back into his pocket after he shut it off. He shook his head, looking down again so his curls covered his eyes. They were filling with tears almost as fast as they did back in the courtroom. "Yeah, it was my friends but it wasn't about what's going on."

"You should tell them. Friends are supposed to be there for you, but they have to know what's going on in order to help."

Philip shook his head once more, pressing his lips tight before speaking. "I think I'm just going to rest. My head is pounding."

Sydney nodded. They both knew it was a lie but Sydney didn't push and ask any more questions. She cared about Philip and she loved him like a son. She didn't want to make this any harder on him and if being quiet made it easier, she would do it in a heart beat. Philip was her boy and she would take care of him as best as she could. Philip already lost a member of his family today, she refused to be the second.

Philip wanted to die and God, there were so many reasons. Counting them out would probably lead him into sleep the same way counting sheep did for people. He was away from home. He was disgusting. He was fucked up. He was abused and it was his fault, he didn't do anything to change it and when it did it was too late for anything to really help. He was a cheater. He wanted everyone else to be upset like he was. It's like he deserved it, no, he really did. All he did was hurt people, break things, and weigh people down. He was a burden. If only he could die and no one would have to do anything, but right now, at this very moment, he knew he would just make life harder on Helen and Gabe and Sydney and his own mother. His friends already nearly lost someone, it would be selfish. Another reason he deserved to just drop off the face of the earth. 

Tears spilled out of his eyes and cascaded down his cheeks but Philip didn't dare open his eyes. He needed a break from everything. From the people around him. From everything. He couldn't look outside until he got back to Helen and Gabe. And once he does get back he will just lay down in the darkness, pull the sheets over his head and stay there. 

The ride was painfully long but Philip didn't remember most of it. He was glad he didn't. Maybe he slipped into a light sleep and just had no dreams. Whatever it was, Philip was thankful he got that gap. The gap of nothingness. For some people, having nothing may be scary, being quiet and alone and shut down might drive them into a panic, but for Philip it was one of the greatest feelings and he wished he could just live in that world forever.

He climbed out of Sydney's car, silently, and walked around it. Helen and Gabe were already home.

"Hey, Philip." Sydney smiled. "Let me put my number in your phone. You can call me or text me whenever."

Philip nodded, unlocking his phone and handing it to Sydney, his eyes glued to the ground. He kicked around a few pieces of gravel from the driveway while she typed it in. She handed it back to him and he stuffed it in his pocket, walking up the yard again.

"Philip." Sydney called as she climbed out of the car. 

"What?" Philip turned around and looked at her.

Sydney opened her arms and walked up to Philip. Without saying anything she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into the tightest hug she could give without hurting him too bad. Philip buried his face in her neck and in a matter of seconds was sobbing again. He clung to her and sniffled, every time he calmed down it started back up again. He didn't know how long they were out there but Sydney pulled away and cupped his cheeks. She wiped his tears away and smiled at him.

"You're going to be okay." She whispered before turning back around and walking to her car.

More tears fell from Philips eyes as he watched her drive away. He was alone again. He couldn't message his friends and ruin their day once more. They deserved the happiness they had. Philip just needed to suck it up and deal with it himself. And that wasn't a new thing for him, so he would be okay. As okay as he can be, that is. 

He turned around and walked up into the house. Helen and Gabe were arguing in the kitchen which wasn't unusual. Philip being around caused them fights. Helen didn't seem happy with Philip being there, but she never did so it didn't hurt. Gabe seemed to want him, but Philip knew within time that Gabe would choose what Helen wanted. They were married and it was just another thing Philip was ruining. He was turning down the hall when he started hearing what they were actually saying instead of just muffled voices.

"He shouldn't be upset. If anything what she did proved that he needed to be taken away." Helen muttered.

"He has every right to be upset. He had put all his hope into going home with her today. Do you even know what she must be going through? She dated a pedophile if anything we should just support her too. This is hard for both of them." Gabe tried to reason.

"She needs to grow up and be the adult. It's her fault."

"You're victim blaming her? Are you serious, Helen?"

"What? I'm a cop, I've seen this stuff."

"Well, you obviously have seen stuff but I'm surprised you can't see how much of a bitch you are." Philip stated, staring her right in the eyes.

"Gabe." Helen snapped. "Are you going to let him talk to me like that?"

Gabe was silent.

"Philip. I'm your guardian, I might as well be your mother, my paychecks feed you and give you a home-"

"You don't deserve my respect if you can't respect my mother. You're just an angry bitch who's upset that you're stuck with me. I won't respect you until you give it to me. I didn't ask to be placed here so stop acting like it!" Philip turned around and walked to his room, slamming the door shut and locking it. He pushed a chair in front of it before closing the curtains and climbing into bed.

He closed his eyes and took deep breaths. He didn't eat lunch. If Gabe asked Philip just planned on telling him he was going to bed, even though it was two in the afternoon.

Philip didn't eat dinner either. He didn't speak or leave his room, all night. It was like he wasn't even there. Helen must have loved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to see moodboards for my original characters you could message me on Tumblr @ babyboyshea and ask me for them and I'll send you them !!!


	24. Chapter 24

Philip missed school the next day. He was awake, his alarm was still set, but Gabe didn't even try to talk to him, let alone make him go to school. He hadn't talked to anyone since yesterday morning. Emma and Noah texted him asking him how it went but he didn't bother replying. Unlike yesterday he wanted to be left alone. He needed it. He was almost positive that if one more person talked to him he would scream or cry or do something in between or a mix of both.

He waited until Helen and Gabe had both left before climbing out of bed. He didn't look in mirrors, they normally made him insecure but if he looked today it would probably kill him. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Death seemed easy. It seemed worth it. He might as well, right? Even if he wanted to he wouldn't be able to, he barely had the energy to breath let alone plan out his death.

Philip padded into the kitchen and looked around. His chest ached and his head pounded from all of the crying he's done. For some reason the fact that the house was empty drove him crazy. He was always bad with being home alone, especially after the harassment Todd did when they couldn't get the restraining order. Todd would bang on the door and even broke in. It killed Philip. Now every time he hears any sound and he's alone he thinks it's Todd. He lives in fear, but hasn't he always? .

He looked around the kitchen, opening each cabinet slowly and quietly as if someone was home with him. Philip was starting to regret staying home alone, he was always worried people were watching him through the windows, but he knew if he had went to school he would have broken down. He closed the cabinet he was at and walked across the room. He closed the blinds over each of the windows and made sure the door in the kitchen was locked tight. Next he made his way towards the front door, locking both locks on the door and jiggling it to make sure it was locked. He kept going through each room on the lower floor, closing the blinds and making sure windows were locked.

His stomach was growling by the time he made it back into the kitchen but nothing seemed appetizing. He leaned against the counter and looked around the kitchen, chewing on his already chewed up lower lip. Deciding on toast with jam Philip walked across the kitchen and pulled out four pieces of bread, dropping them into the toaster, pushing down the lever on both before leaving the room. 

He stepped back into his room and lifted his phone up, turning it on and looking at he notifications. The groupchat was silent and Philip knew why but it made him sick. They were all visiting Dylan last night, that's why they didn't text him. He wouldn't have answered but it hurt. He must not be important compared to Dylan. No matter how much of a dick he was he will always be above Philip, he was around longer and he knew more about them. Besides the groupchat Philip had one text from Emma, a few from Noah, and some from Lukas.

From: Emma   
Hey! I just wanted to see if you really got all packed up last night or if you need some help today! We miss you ♡ 

Philip smiled a little. Emma was thinking about him, then again Emma knew everything he was going through and then some. It was nice feeling like people cared, even if they really didn't. He was grateful Emma didn't push him, she knows better than to make him talk. He wasn't always good with feelings. Philip tapped on his phone and began typing a message.

To: Emma   
If you could come over any time today it would be nice.. I really need you 

He hit send then moved on to Noah's chat. He tapped on it and read through the messages he had sent him.

From: Noah   
We're coming back from Dylan's if you want dinner I could bring you some 

From: Noah   
I know you're probably packing but I just wanted you to know that I really care about you and I'm going to miss you

From: Noah   
And I'm not ready to give this up. I really really like you.

From: Noah  
But it's okay if you are done with us I'm not trying to trap you in it 

From: Noah   
Basically I really like us and being together and if you feel the same way I'm willing to try long distance. 

From: Noah   
Because I love you 

Philip smiled down at the last message. He didn't deserve Noah. Noah deserves some amazing boy who loves him with every part of him. While Philip loved Noah, he didn't know on what way and he knew that not every part of him will love Noah. Part of him has longed for Lukas since he met him the day he came down to Tivoli. 

To: Noah   
I love you too baby 

It wasn't a lie. He meant it. He just didn't know in what way. He loved being around him and being held by him and being with him. Noah was probably the best boyfriend anyone could ask for and he was gorgeous with soft brown hair and the prettiest eyes. He didn't touch Philip gently because he was scared, he touched Philip gently because that's exactly what Philip is. Philip is gentle and he tries even if he puts on a tough outer shell and Noah has been the first person to ever see that. Noah sees the good in him just like his mother did.

To: Noah   
I really appreciate you 

To: Noah   
You're amazing I'm so glad we met 

Philip took a deep breath and exited the chat, looking at Lukas' chat. He had to admit it, he was surprised Lukas texted him. Whatever the hell they had neither one wanted to give it, no matter how much they fought. Sometimes Philip wondered if they were fighting each other or fighting for each other. He tapped on the chat and read through the messages that Lukas sent him.

From: Lukas  
I hope you're doing okay 

From: Lukas   
It's gonna be depressing not seeing your annoying face everywhere 

From: Lukas   
I might as well admit it, right? It's over 

From: Lukas  
I really like you and it's scary because I want you to like me back but I don't know what to do 

From: Lukas   
I never even liked a guy before and now he's leaving and I was sad all day yesterday 

From: Lukas   
Even rose noticed fuck

From: Lukas   
You can't just come into my life and do this shit and then leave 

From: Lukas   
I'm gonna come and see you when you move back in 

From: Lukas   
I can't get enough of you 

From: Lukas   
I know it's like one am but

From: Lukas   
I really like you

From: Lukas   
I think I'm done it's pointless you're already gone so 

From: Lukas   
Bye 

Philip chewed on the inside of his cheek and read the messages over and over. Lukas likes him. It was so hard to tell if it was Lukas lusting or liking, every time they were alone Lukas would push him up against anything he could and kiss him hard enough to bruise his lips. Lukas was honest and Philip didn't know what to make of it. He talked about his feelings and being upset about Philip leaving. Philip wished Lukas had said more or that he could ask Lukas about it and Lukas would answer it, but Philip knew better. Lukas only talks about feelings when he wants to, Philip learned that the hard way, and if Philip wanted answers he would have to wait patiently for Lukas to come around to it. Lukas is lucky that he's worth the wait.

To: Lukas   
My mom didn't get custody 

To: Lukas   
I have to stay a few more months 

Philip turned his phone off and dropped it onto his bed, walking back into the kitchen. The toast had finished cooking and popped out of the tops of the toaster. He picked up a plate and set each piece of toast on it. Tugging open a drawer, sighing when it wasn't the right one, Philips mind was somewhere else. He's staying which means he's staying with Noah but Lukas likes him. This was all a stupid mess. He grabbed a knife from the drawer and cut the toast into four triangles before walking to the fridge and pulling out jelly. He rubbed jelly across each triangle of toast and set them down. He dropped the knife and walked over to the table, setting his food down and pulling out a chair. After he sat down he began to eat, trying to think about anything other than reality.

He didn't get it. He didn't understand how people could like him. He was damaged beyond any kind of repair. He jumps when he hears any noise, he cries when people knock on doors, and he can barely handle being touched without freaking out. Philip wasn't anything special, he was barely even important. He was a disaster and he ruined everything he touches. He hurts himself and he can't go a day without thinking about everything he has been through. Every touch reminds him of his abuser and no one wants to be compared to that. He shouldn't even have a boyfriend. He would just hurt him. 

Philip finished eating and by then it was ten thirty four in the morning. He stood up from the table and cleaned off his plate, setting it in the dishwasher. He walked back towards his room, stopping in front of the bathroom. Stepping inside, Philip pulled his shirt off and wiggled out of the jeans he had kept on all night. He turned on the shower, making it so hot it almost burned to feel it touch him. He stripped his boxers off and his socks followed. He shut and locked the door, bunching his clothes up next to it. 

Taking a deep breath, his stepped in, letting out a small whimpering when the hot water spilled across his back, feeling like hundreds of little needles. He didn't flinch away. He backed up, slowly, letting the water wash over him, and after a few minutes it stopped hurting. He could see how red his arms were getting so he couldn't imagine how his back was starting to look. He kept his eyes on the ground as he let the water wash over him. He stepped further underneath so the water was falling on his head and he couldn't hear anything. He always loved that, not hearing anything when he's in the shower, it's like the world stops for a while and he doesn't have to deal with anything.

He ran his fingers through his hair and tilted his head back, trying to breath through the thick steam that was slowly building up in the room. He wiped his eyes as he stepped out from under the water and turned around. He leaned against the opposite side of the shower, watching the water slam into the time floor. He looked around the room, tugging open the curtain so cooler air would flood into the shower. He took a few deep breaths and opened his eyes, looking at the counter. 

A pack of razors laid neatly on top of it. Philip knew he shouldn't. He knew that it wouldn't help anything. But in a way, it would. He would finally have control of the pain he felt. He would be able to control how deep it went and how long he let it sting. Philip reached out of the shower and picked up the package, ripping it open and grabbing the first blade he could.

When Philip was younger he learned something. He learned that while you could take razors apart or use a pair is scissors he could still use a normal razor. He just had to press it flat against his wet thigh and push it down before dragging it across the skin. It would only take a few seconds but soon blood would slowly spill out of the small slits in his skin. 

Philip pulled out one of the razors and slipped off the plastic cover that went over the blade. He watched it for a while. No one ever knew he did this, but with his situation it became obvious, but he told them. No one ever really noticed how bad Philip was and Philip wasn't sure if he could blame himself for hiding it so well or for everyone else for not wanting to look deep enough to see the real problem.

A sting filled Philips veins as he pressed the razor down and slid it across his thigh. He didn't wait to see blood, instead he just kept going. 

Pressing down and cutting.

Pressing down and cutting.

Pressing down and cutting.

Pressing down and cutting.

Each time he cut only a few seconds later would three small cuts appear and drip out blood. He didn't even bother cleaning it up. All he did was slide down the opposite wall and stretch his legs out so the water was hitting his knees.

Everyone always says that fighting helps. Philip had to count on both hands the amount of times he had given up the fight. At least nine. They all blended together after a while, him popping pills every night and praying that for once something would finally kick in and make his heart stop. Fighting never seemed worth it. Here, in his exact moment, is what all that fighting had lead up to. It lead up to bloody thighs and tears falling from his eyes. He was pretending that they were just drops of water, gliding down his face, but deep down he knew that.

After a few seconds the only sound Philip could hear were his sobs, they were louder than the water coming down roughly onto his body. His sobs almost reassembled screams. His body shook as he cried, tears over flowing in his eyes and falling from his cheeks to his chest. He curled up as he cried, pulling his knees to his chest and hiding his face in his arms. 

This was his life. Court dates and different houses. Abuse and abandonment. Fear and self harm. His life was harder than most adults lives have ever been. Everything was worthless. No matter how sad or happy he was, it always got worse. A better outlook on life somehow made all of the downfalls even more painful. At least when Philip hated the world he had no way to get let down, he already knew it was miserable and unfair. 

In this very moment Philip Shea had never hated himself more. He was disgusting and he was wrong and sick and broken in so many different ways. Just thinking about himself as a human made him feel sick. He was his abuse, he was the yelling, he was the biting, he was the muffled screams, he was the tears, and he was the gross, rough, hands that guided his body in each different position Todd wished. He was built on abuse, he was it and no one could ever teach him otherwise.

Philip patted around the bottom of the shower floor, trying to find the razor once more. He grabbed it and looked down at it, finally noticing that his hands were shaking. He brought the razor down onto his other thigh.

One cut.

Two cuts.

Three cuts 

And finally four cuts.

He watched his other thigh begin to bleed, pressing his temple to the cool shower tile. He wished that these shallow cuts covering his thighs were enough to kill him but he knew they weren't. Even if they were he wouldn't die. He couldn't, no matter how hard he tried. He was supposed to suffer. It was the only reason he was here.

His head was pounding, his vision going in and out of focus. He was sure he was passing out and it wasn't from the cuts. It was from the heat. As Philip finally closed his eyes and let out the last breath he remembered he was thankful. He was finally getting rest.

Philip wasn't sure how long he was out, but when he blinked his eyes open he was still in the shower floor, but the water had cooled down and almost turned ice cold. He looked down at his thighs that had close up cuts and dried blood all over them. He rubbed his eyes and pulled himself to his feet, climbing out. He kicked his clothes away from the door and grabbed a towel before unlocking the door and stepping out of the bathroom. 

Wrapping himself in the towel, he slowly made his way into his own room, where he kicked the door shut behind him and let the towel unwrap from around him before he began drying his body, avoiding his thighs. He kept his back turned to his mirror like always and pulled a pair of boxers from the box he had pre-packed on the floor. He pulled them on, whimpering when the right fabric squeezed ebery single cut on his thigh. He shook his head, ignoring the pain and grabbing a pair of sweat pants off of the ground and pulling them on. He dried off his torso for the second time before pulling on a shirt that he yanked off of a hanger. He picked up the towel again and rubbed it through his hair, knowing that while it was drying his hair it was also tangling it.

Philip laid on his bed and lifted his phone up, looking at the messages he had been sent while he was gone. Next he looked at the time and sighed. It was almost noon. He unlocked his phone and hit Emma's chat first.

From: Emma   
I'm coming by right after school 

From: Emma   
And I'm bringing candy and tissues and anything else you want 

From: Emma   
Philip I love you and you are so strong 

Philip found his hand sliding down his thigh and pressing it against his cuts, biting his lip so hard it nearly bled. He wasn't strong. He was probably the weakest person in this entire hellhole of a town.

To: Emma   
Thank you 

The next chat he got on was Noah's.

From: Noah   
You're so lovely I'm the luckiest boy ever 

From: Noah   
We need to start planning skype dates 

Philip nodded to himself as he remembered the fact he hadn't told Noah the news. Part of him knew that Philip didn't tell Noah because telling people made it real. But he told Lukas, so it's definitely real now.

To: Noah   
My mom didn't get custody 

And lastly was Lukas' chat. 

From: Lukas   
That's great 

From: Lukas   
Now you don't have to move everything back 

From: Lukas   
You should just stay here anyway 

From: Lukas   
You're further away from todd and you have friends here 

From: Lukas   
Thank God you aren't going home 

Philip felt himself getting angry, he gripped his phone so tight that his knuckles turned white. Lukas was happy. Lukas was fucking happy while Philips world was crashing down on him- no- Lukas was happy that his world was crashing down on him. Lukas was happy he didn't get his mom or his home back.

To: Lukas   
You're such an asshole

Lukas replied within seconds and it made sense, he was always on his phone.

From: Lukas   
Dude what did i do????

To: Lukas  
You're fucking happy I'm not going home 

To: Lukas   
You might as well say you're happy that i was ripped out of my home in the first place because wow at least you got someone to make out with 

From: Lukas   
It isn't like that 

From: Lukas   
You're just picking a fight 

Maybe Philip was, but it wasn't like Lukas had picked his own fair share of fights.

To: Lukas  
We're always fighting so it isn't like it matters 

To: Lukas  
You're such an idiot I could just punch you 

From: Lukas   
You're being an asshole

To: Lukas   
Well if I'm such an asshole you should just stop talking to him 

They had been through this a million times and they both knew how it ended.

From: Lukas   
Fine

From: Lukas   
Fuck you 

To: Lukas   
Bye 

And here they go again.


	25. Chapter 25

Emma was knocking on the front door of the house as hard as she could and Philip would be lying if he said it didn't startle him. It was a little after three when she texted him that she was on her way over to cheer him up. Philip was almost positive that it wouldn't completely cheer him up but Emma knows how hard this can be, so he didn't think that she would be upset if when she left he wasn't grinning ear to ear. Philip hadn't cried for about an hour, mostly because he was distracting himself from reality, burying himself nose deep in books he had already read many times.

All the composure in Philips body left when he pulled the front door open and his eyes landed on Emma. He didn't know what happened, all he did was open the door and once his eyes landed on Emma tears began to blur his vision all over again. Within seconds the hard wood was digging into both their knees and Philip was sobbing into the crook of Emma's neck. She stroked his hair and didn't say a word, she kept him pressed close and kissed his temple every few seconds.

Words weren't needed between them. Emma could already tell Philip wasn't going back home. It broke her heart, it really did. Philip didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve not feeling safe or happy, he didn't deserve being ripped away from his mother and his home. It killed her that she couldn't fix it. She wanted to and she was going to try to, but at the end of the day she knew it would be impossible. She couldn't fix Philip, nothing could, the same way nothing could fix what her dad and the boys at school did. All she could do was be there for Philip and protect him the best she could.

They made their way to Philips room, silently, Emma shutting and locking the door behind them. It wasn't her first time being in this house. Last year her dog had to get a set of shots and Gabe had to keep the dog there for a few days and every single day he was here Emma would come and visit him and give him treats and play with him. She was grateful that Philip got someone like Gabe during this. Gabe isn't his real dad or anything close, but Gabe is probably one of the nicest people Emma had ever met. She was almost sure that angels were made in his image. 

Philips room was small and empty, minus the boxes and the dresser and the bed and tables. He sat down on the small bed, closing his eyes as it sunk down and made a noise. Emma sat down next to him and took his hand in her own, intertwining their fingers. She leaned her head on his shoulder and let out a small sign.

"Do you get to visit her?"

"No." Philips voice was hoarse and it worried her. He was going through all of this and she didn't even know the full story to be able to help. "She has to go into rehab for a few weeks  before the court can even consider it."

"I'm so sorry." She whispered. "I can't imagine how bad it hurts."

"I don't feel it anymore. It's just empty." Philip wiped his eyes. "I shouldn't be mad. It's not like I'm any better. She pops pills to feel better and I carve my legs open. But I was so ready to come home."

Emma kissed his cheek, rubbing his back. "You hurt yourself?"

"Today." 

Emma took a deep breath. "You're gonna get through this." She pulled away and cupped his cheeks, turning his head to face her. "Can you do something for me?"

"What?" Philip whispered, his eyes studying the way Emma's hair fell across her forehead and down the sides of her face.

"For twenty four hours, you won't hurt yourself." Emma smiled a little. Philip thought it was to encourage him. It worked a little bit.

"Only twenty four?"

Emma nodded. "Because we are gonna take this one day at a time. Think you can wait for a day?"

Philip nodded. "Yeah.. okay." He looked down at his lap and took a deep breath. "I promise."

Emma smiled and rubbed his head, twirling strands of his hair along her fingers. "Good." She slowly guided him back into a hug, his face buried in her neck once more, her arms snaked around him tight. 

It was silent. Philip letting out small whimpers and tears, but Emma stayed quiet, rubbing his back and tracing patterns onto it. Philip found himself pressing closer to her, soaking up the feeling of warmth and love radiating from her. He wasn't alone anymore, he had Emma. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled away, sniffling and looking at her. She gave him a sad smile and cupped his cheeks, wiping under his eyes with her thumbs.

"I feel like your mom." She laughed. It was dry and barely there, but it made Philip smile.

"Looks like you're replacing Clara." He let out his own painfully forced laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry I just.. cried all over you?" It sounded like more of a question.

Emma shook her head. "I don't know how many times I've cried all over Jessica. It's what you do when you love someone. You stay with them despite how messy it can get." She laid back on his bed and looked at the ceiling. "I'm so sorry, Philip."

Philip laid back. "You sound like everyone else now."

"I know it doesn't help but I wish it did." She shook her head. "You don't deserve this. You're nothing but kind and sweet and the world just keeps kicking you down."

"My mom always said God wouldn't give me more than I could handle." Philip shook his head. He never believed in God, because if God was so wonderful he would have saved Philip, right? "I think God thinks I'm his son or something."

"Jesus?" Emma was laughing but it wasn't as forced and sad. It was real. The kind of laugh that reminds you of spring flowers and sunshine. She could cure cancer with her laugh. She was an angel, that was the only proof of God Philip could find.

"Yeah.. God like.. made him die.. to save assholes." Philip shook his head. "He's given me so much shit, I can't believe people expect me to worship him and ask him for help."

"I think you do believe in him." Emma spoke. It was quiet again. 

Philip shook his head.

"I think when you were younger you prayed for him when Todd would get scary." Emma was looking at him now, but Philip refused to look back. If he did she would know she was right. "And when Todd would force you or shove you I think you prayed. I think you prayed when Todd would leave. I think you asked for help in all the wrong places." Her eyes were piercing into him. "And I think you're angry that you put so much effort into something, someone, who never helped you."

Tears slipped out of his eyes and down his temples, dampening his hair. "I tried." His voice cracked. "Everyone made it sound like.. he could help.. but he didn't.. if he's real and I somehow get into heaven.." He trailed off, turning his head and looking at Emma. "I'm gonna be fucking pissed." He laughed. It was real. He was thankful to feel something that wasn't anger or fear or sadness or frustration. 

Emma could see through his walls and he hated it. He hated that she could look at him and see herself. He hated that she understood how scary and painful and hard it is to be protected. He hates that she knows how it feels to have the police protect your abuser instead of you. He hated that Emma has ever felt so low in her life.

"Thank you." Philip muttered, looking at her and smiling. "I know.. I'm crying and stuff.. but it was nice just-"

"It was nice not being alone." She finished with a bright smile. "And I'm here whenever you need me." She rolled over and draped an arm over Philips waist. "It's what Jessica did for me."

It's what Noah would do for him. Noah.. Noah didn't deserve what Philip had given him. Noah deserves someone who will love him with the same kindness and understanding that he gave. He deserved someone who wanted him as much as he wanted them. That was when Philip decided. He was ending it tonight and he was being honest. As much as he loved the attention and love Noah gave him, he didn't return it and frankly, he didn't deserve it in the first place. 

Philip pushed himself up on his elbows and looked at Emma. "I think you can leave."

Emma frowned. "Did I do something or..?"

"No.. I just.. I'm breaking up with Noah." Philip muttered. He had to say it. He had to make it real. He couldn't just keep stringing Noah along while he gave Philip everything he had and then some. "I'm gonna call him and.. explain." 

Emma smiled at him, sitting up before slipping off of the bed and looking at Philip. "He'll understand." She reached out and ruffled his hair. "I'll see you.. text me, okay? If you need anything or anyone I'm here and so is everyone else." She waved at him before turning around and letting herself out. 

Philip took a few deep breaths. What he was about to do was the best option. It was needed, anyone could see that Philip wasn't giving Noah what he deserved or needed. He picked up his phone and unlocked it quickly. He tapped on Noah's contact and looked at it. It was a picture of them after their first kiss. They both look so happy. Philip felt guilty, when he started dating Noah he just thought after a while he'll love him more, that it would just take time. He was lying to himself. 

There was nothing wrong with Noah. He was beautiful and nice and helped anyone and everyone. He was understanding and polite and it was impossible not to fall in love with him. Just, when Philip fell it wasn't into the romantic kind of love. It was the platonic kind where he would love and support Noah to the ends of the earth, but dating him wouldn't feel right. Anyone would be lucky to have Noah or someone like him, but people like Noah didn't exist, because Noah was one of a kind and impossible to replicate. He was one of a kind and whoever falls in love with him will have to get used to everyone wanting Noah to themselves.

Philip hit the phone and pressed his phone to his ear, listening to the ringing. His heart was in his throat and his palms were sweaty. He prayed to a god he hardly believed in that Noah wouldn't leave him. It was selfish but he needed Noah. He couldn't expect Noah to stay but he could hope.

Noah answered on the third ring. "Baby."

"Hi." Philip replied softly. "Do you think you could come over?" He had a lump in his throat and it was only growing thicker. "There's some things I need to tell you."

"Of course. I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Love you." Noah sounded happier than ever and it made Philip feel sick. 

"Love you." Philip whispered, hanging up.

For those fifteen minutes Philip paced. He went up and down the steps and up and down the halls, only turning around and starting again. Moving always helped calm his nerves but he was constantly told his movie gave others anxiety so he only did it when he was alone. He ran his fingers through his hair so many times it was probably a mess and every few seconds he would pull his phone out and check the time. It was wrong for him to be anxious, right? He didn't feel this miserable when he was cheating so why did he get the excuse to now? There was no time to debate it because he could hear Noah's car pulling into the driveway.

Philip pulled his phone out of his pocket and shut it off completely before tossing it on the couch. He walked up to the mirror near the door and fixed his hair. Next he wiped his hands up and down on his thighs, hoping his jeans would try them for the most part. He took a deep breath and opened the door, watching Noah make his way up the front yard. The lump in his throat was back and almost impossible to get rid of.

Noah's face lit up when he saw Philip. "Baby, hey." He was speaking softly and it soothed Philip. He opened the screen door and stepped inside. "I'm so sorry your mom didn't get custody." He wrapped his arms around Philips waist and rested his chin on Philips head. "I wanted to come over and cheer you up but I wasn't sure if you wanted distance." He pulled away and cupped Philips cheeks, kissing his forehead softly.

In that exact moment Philip lost it. He started sobbing, pulling away from Noah and leaning against the wall. His breaths were shallow and the tears falling from his eyes were hot. It was like Philip could feel everything. All the pain and fear was flooding through his veins. He could feel the wet patches on his cheeks drying. Everything was happening but nothing at the same time. His heart beat rapidly.

Noah reached out and touched his arm. "Baby, baby, take a second and do what your case worker taught you." Noah lowered Philips hand to his thigh and coached him through tracing his leg and how long each breath was before he let it out. "Whatever is going on its okay. Just focus on breathing and calming down, then we can talk."

It took Philip ten minutes before he could finally speak again. He was ashamed and embarrassed and angry at himself. It was hard to come up with words to explain that to Noah without up front saying he was cheating. They were sitting at the kitchen table, Noah's arms reaching over and holding Philips hands. Philip took a deep breath and looked at Noah.

"I need to tell you something." Philip spoke so quiet that Noah could barely understand what he said. 

Noah rubbed circles on Philips hand with his thumbs. "Okay, baby." 

Philip bit his lip and took a deep breath. "You mean a lot to me.. you've been there during really hard times and you've seen me at my worst and then some.. I never deserved it-"

"You do, Philip." Noah smiled and the smile almost had Philip in tears. A smile of admiration and love. That was probably the last smile Philip would get from Noah. "You deserve all good things."

"I don't." Tears spilled from his eyes and blurred his vision. He was almost thankful for it. Now he didn't have to see Noah's face when he told him. "I don't and I am so sorry." 

"Philip.. what's going on?" Naoh sounded worried now and it only made Philip feel worse. He had to say it now, he couldn't keep stalling.

"I've been cheating on you.. the entire time." Philip breathed out. "And I know you don't deserve it and I know I don't deserve you and I don't know why I did it but I'm so sorry, please believe that, I am so so sorry, Noah." He was crying now, his breath hitching and his body shaking. "And I understand if you hate me and I'll be sad about it but I get it because what I did was wrong and I would be so pissed and hurt if someone did it to me.." His breathing quickened. "I don't know why I did it.." His voice cracked. "I'm so sorry, Noah, please.. just don't hate me. I know I'm wrong, I know I fucked us up, but ple-" 

"Philip." The happiness in Noah's voice was gone. Philip felt a hand reach out and cup his cheek, then a thumb gliding across his cheek and wiping his tears away. "Just take a second and calm down. Do the breathing technique."

Even now Noah was taking care of him. Philip cheated and told him and Noah was still putting Philip before himself. How was Noah real? How did Philip get lucky enough to know him? Philip traced his finger and breathed, keeping his eyes closed, memories of Lukas and him flooding into his mind. Somehow that felt worse than all the cheating. Maybe it was because Philip just hurt someone terribly and all he was thinking about was a beautiful boy he couldn't wait to call his. Someone needed to teach Philip how to not be so selfish, hopefully Noah would rub off on him. 

Philip was so toxic compared to Noah. He hurt people and ruined relationships and tore himself apart on a daily basis. He starved himself and hurt himself and emotionally beat himself every second he wasn't distracted. Noah didn't hurt people. In life Noah was the one who fixed the messes Philip made, just like his mother, just like Emma. Philip felt the lump in his throat return. He was the bad guy and it made him want to vomit. 

Was he like Todd? He didn't hurt children like Todd did, he didn't scream and break things like Todd did. But did Todd and Philip have that many differences? Philip ruined things and so did Todd. Todd tore relationships apart and so did Philip. Was Philip really turning into Todd? It was his biggest fear.

Philip stood up so quickly that the chair behind him fell and thudded against the hard wood floor. He ran through the living room and down the hall, turning into the bathroom and dropping to his knees. He leaned over the toilet and threw up. It hurt, his body burned, his eyes watered from the pain, his head pounding. He wiped his mouth and sighed, sitting back against his heels. When he looked up he instantly felt more disgusting than he already did. Noah was standing in the doorway.

He smiled at Philip and picked up a cloth, running warm water over it before handing it to Philip. "So you can clean yourself up."

Philip took the cloth but avoided looking up at Noah. He wiped his mouth and began to wonder what he could've thrown up since he only ate once the entire day.

Noah sat down next to him and rubbed his arm. "Have you been feeling sick all day?"

Philip shook his head.

"Are you feeling sick because you told me what happened?"

He shook his head again.

"Can you tell me why?"

"I'm nothing better than Todd." Philips voice was a whisper, his voice shaking like his body. "I'm turning into him."

Noah laughed and for a few seconds Philip hated him.

"It isn't funny." 

Noah rubbed Philips head and pulled him into his chest. "I'm not laughing because I think it's funny.. It's just.." He was smiling. "Cheating doesn't make you like him. You aren't a pedophile or an abuser or some freak. You made a mistake."

Philip shook his head. "I'm so sorry.. I just..I don't even know how to explain it.. I just.. I love being with you but I can't keep doing this to you.. I don't deserve you.. and I took advantage of you."

Noah was silent for a while and it scared Philip, but then he sighed. "I'm not going to lie.. it hurts..it hurts so bad, Philip, but I understand. I understand that you're dealing with hell and you aren't thinking clearly.. and I'm not going to sit here and scream at you and insult you. What you're going through is impossible to understand and it doesn't give you a free pass but you're a teenager and you were shoved into this town with no one to be there for you.." Noah pulled him into a hug and kept him there, stroking his hair.

Philip took a deep breath and buried his face in the crook of his neck. "This isn't fair.. you just.. you're okay with it?"

Noah tensed a little at the question. "It hurts.. feels like I'm gonna die, but I get it. You're sixteen and dealing with more than most adults have. You aren't going to be making the best choices all the time." He kissed his temple and smiled at him. "I care about you, still, and I still love you.. I'm not going to leave over something like this.. we can make it work."

Philip wasn't into all of the stupid posts about being blessed but in this moment he truly was. He ripped someone's heart out and they're still there trying their best to piece him back together despite all the times he gets cut on Philips sharp edges. Noah pulled him even closer, Philip settling in his lap and humming. Noah rubbed his sides and kept him close, starting to talk about how his day went. Philip listened calmly and cling to him, Noah's shirt bunched up in each of his fists, his forehead pressed to the side of Noah's neck. 

The room was silent again but it wasn't a bad silent or a nerve wracking silent. It was a calm silent. A safe silent. And for once Philip felt like he could breathe without drowning in emotions.


	26. Chapter 26

Philip rolled out of bed and got ready the next morning without saying a word to anyone. It was Friday, which at least meant he could stay home for the next two days without having to make any work up. He wasn't ready to go back, Gabe knew that, but Helen didn't. She got all over him when she got home yesterday, lecturing him on how he has to push through, as if she has any idea what he's dealing with. Though going back to school made him feel sick, Philip decided he might as well suck it up and go, listening to Helen would always be easier than fighting with her.

Philip pulled on his backpack and stepped out of his room, stuffing his ear buds into his ears. No music was playing, the ear buds weren't even plugged into his phone, but it was an excuse not to talk to Helen or Gabe. He turned down the hall and walked out the front door, and walking down the grass. He tugged the headphones out and stuffed them sloppily into his pocket before letting out a small sigh.

While Noah was still over yesterday he had convinced Philip to text everyone in the groupchat about how he wasn't going home. He didn't give details, he didn't say much at all, but he told them. That's what mattered according to Noah, being honest with your friends. It was weird, having to tell everyone and knowing they cared. They were all supportive and Philip felt bad for ignoring them, but he can't just keep talking about it. It's already all he thinks about. It makes his chest ache even thinking about it for a second, let alone having conversations about it. 

Philip chewed on his inner cheek and kept his eyes on the ground as he walked down the road. When he first moved to Tivoli he was nervous about walking because there were no sidewalks, but now he didn't really care. If he was hit it would put a lot of people out of their misery, including himself. Philip was too lost in thought to notice the motorcycle that had pulled up in front of him. Lukas had already taken his helmet off by the type Philip noticed him.

"Hey." Lukas spoke quietly as if he was telling a secret. 

Philip didn't say anything, he just stepped closer to Lukas and buried his face in Lukas' neck. It was hard not having Lukas all to himself, but it felt good being only his. Philip slid his arms around Lukas' shoulders and just stood there, breathing. It was all he could seem to do without messing up. 

Lukas' arms slowly found their way around Philip. "That bad?" 

Philip nodded. "Hurts to breathe." 

Lukas smiled and pulled away. He pressed his finger under Philips chin and tilted it up, kissing him. "Then don't." 

Philip didn't have time to reply. He was at loss of words. The kiss Lukas just gave him was different than all the others. It wasn't full of lust and it wasn't rushed. It wasn't at the end of a fight and it wasn't the beginning of one. It was gentle and soothing and it made Philip feel safe which was something he hadn't felt in what seemed like forever. Philip forced himself to pull away from Lukas and sighed.

"You should go." Philip whispered. "School." 

"Then you should too." Lukas replied, rubbing his nose against Philips. "Can I be honest?"

Philip feared what Lukas would say but he nodded anyway. He liked Lukas' voice, even if he wasn't saying what Philip wanted.

"I don't wanna go." He smirked, sliding his arms around Philips waist and pulling Philip up against himself and against the bike.

"No one wants to go to school." Philip was whispering now and he was starting to realize why. They were sharing secrets, in fact, everything they said was a secret because they are the secret.

"I would like it if you were around more."

"Rose." Philip reminded him though they both didn't need it. They were both painfully aware of where they were at. 

"I know." Lukas whispered. "But.. maybe you can sit with me at lunch or something." He was touching Philips back now, sliding his hands underneath his shirt. "We could be friends."

"I don't even think we are friends." Philip replied. 

Lukas' face changed to hurt. "What?" He didn't pull away, if anything he pulled Philip closer like it would somehow change Philips reply.

"What are we?" Philip hated himself for asking and so did Lukas, but he craved to know. "Am I the cute boy you're using?" 

Lukas seemed offended that he would even say such a thing. "I'm not using you."

"Then what are we?" Philip hissed.

They still hadn't moved away from each other.

"Look." Lukas pulled away only to climb off of his bike. He stepped up to Philip then around him, trapping him between the bike and his own chest. "I don't know what we are, I don't know if there's even a word for it."

There was, in Philips mind there were millions of words to describe them. Words that are lovely and words that are rough. Words that are simple and words that are complicated. But when it all came down to it, Lukas was right, there was no singular word to describe them, but two words.

In love.

"But.." Lukas continued. "Stuff changed when you got here."

Philip felt his heart drop. He did change things but it was never for the good. He ruined things. The thought of ruining Lukas made him feel dizzy.

"I.. I feel stuff and it's.. I don't know. But I know I want you, alright?" Lukas looked down at Philip and took his hands in his. "We shouldn't be rushing-"

"You started this. I deserve this." Philip replied. "And Rose sure as hell doesn't." 

"Philip." Lukas didn't sound mad. He sounded like he was begging. "You know I can't-"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not gay!" 

Philip couldn't help but jump when he yelled. He knew Lukas didn't mean it, he didn't mean to yell and come off mean. Lukas was just dealing with a lot, he never felt this stuff before and now here Philip is. He needed to be patient. He reached up and cupped Lukas' cheek. "You said you didn't wanna go to school, right?"

Lukas avoided eye contact but he nodded.

Philip cupped his other cheek and forced Lukas to look at him. "Why don't we just spend the day together? We can do whatever you want, hell, you can speed around in the woods and I'll watch."

They both needed a break in reality and to just drown in the presence.

Lukas swallowed and nodded once more, leaning down and kissing Philip gently. "Let's go." He grabbed the one helmet he brought and handed it to Philip before climbing onto his bike and revving the engine.

"Lukas.. this is yours, c'mon. It's safe-"

"Wear it." Lukas called over the motor before revving it again and grinning, knowing Philip couldn't argue over the loud growl of the motor.

Philip pulled it on and climbed into the motorcycle, wrapping his arms around Lukas' torso. Lukas sped off and Philip would be lying if he didn't admit that he was worried. He wasn't worried about himself either, he was worried about Lukas and how fast he was going. Philip knew if he told Lukas that he was worried Lukas would only laugh as if he was invincible. 

They sped down the road, Philip closing his eyes and focusing on small things. The way Lukas' body moved as he breathed and the way heat radiated from his body. The way the wind flew past them and the way Philips heart beat in his chest. He was distracted and it was a blissful, drug like feeling. Nothing could touch them in this moment. Philip was addicted to it, addicted to the feeling that nothing bad has happened to him. He was addicted to Lukas.

Whenever he was with him, he wasn't his abuse and he wasn't his sadness and his anger. He was himself, whatever the hell that is. Somehow Lukas likes it when he doesn't even know what it is. But when he's with Lukas he can breathe and everything seems to become more beautiful and vivid and bright. It was peaceful and it was fulfilling and safe. It was the one break Philip got from his life and he prayed Lukas felt the same. He prayed Lukas was addicted to him worse than any drug. 

Philip blinked his eyes open when he felt the motorcycle slow down. They were nearing the woods now, the blues around them slowly becoming more clear. The trees stood tall, so high that it looked like they disappeared into the peach colored morning. The clouds were barely existent, so thin that you could almost see through them. The air was crisp and cool, but Philip knew, like everything, it wouldn't last, and that spring was coming soon. He hoped that whatever Lukas and him had that it wouldn't expire like the seasons, instead he hoped that they would grow and change through the year like a tree. 

Lukas came to a halt and kicked his kick stand out, leaning the bike over so the stand dug into the dirt. He climbed off of the bike and stepped towards it, pulling the helmet off slowly, kissing Philip, sliding his long fingers through Philips hair. Philip smiled when he heard the helmet thud against the ground. He slid his fingers through Lukas' belt loops and pull him closer, drinking up the feeling of Lukas being so close to him. 

Lukas pulled away and smiled, letting out a small laugh. "I could do this all day." He panted, his hands falling from Philips hair down to his hips. 

Philip nodded, stumbling off of the bike, pushing Lukas back. "Lay down." 

Lukas smirked, sitting down on the grass before laying back and keeping his arms open for Philip. Philip straddled him, kissing him again, this time with a reason. He wanted to leave his mark, to bruise Lukas' lips. If Lukas wouldn't admit that he was Philips, Philip would have to make him. He kissed him rough and every time Lukas would sit up, Philip would slam him back against the dirt.

When Lukas finally flipped them over and pulled away, keeping a hand flat on Philips chest to keep him down, Philips lungs burned. They burned worse than any smoke could cause and his eyes stung. He began to wonder if this is what love felt like? Or if it was something more than that.

They stayed like that for a few seconds, Philip flat on his back and Lukas sitting up, they both panted but didn't dare move any further away from each other. Lukas swallowed and looked down at Philip, sliding his hand up his chest and towards his neck. His fingers slid around to the base of his neck. He smiled down at him and let out a small laugh.

"We have all day, slow down." 

Philip nodded, still panting. "Who says I don't wanna do this all day?"

Lukas smiled down at him in a way that made his heart beat faster. "That's tempting." 

Philip scoffed. "I know. Give in." He pulled Lukas down towards him.

Lukas smirked and leaned down. "Okay, okay." He kissed him and Philip tangled his hands in his hair as fast as he could. 

Philip couldn't help but focus on the way their bodies slotted together and lips fit perfectly. He never believed in that stuff. That someone could be made for another. Theres no way that they could meet, it's not like it's set in stone, right? Lukas could be made for different person and Philip could be, too. But for now, they fit together, and Philip wasn't going to let anyone change that.

The wind rushed past them once more, as if they were on the motorcycle again, but this was more exciting and more scary. Philip was worried, every time he got around Lukas, that he was going to somehow mess it up. 

Philip pulled him closer and rolled Lukas over, pushing his shoulders down into the grass as he kissed him harder. Lukas tilted his head up and smiled into the kiss, nipping at Philips bottom lip before pulling away. 

The kiss was angry and rough, Philip was angry. He could feel it running hot through his body. He was angry that he wasn't home and he was angry that Lukas wouldn't be his and he was just angry that no matter what he did it would never be good enough and it would never be right. 

Lukas pulled away and smiled, sliding his hands up Philips sides then back down, as if he was comforting him. Philip would like to think that's what it was, to think that they didn't need words when they were together. 

"I like this." Philip whispered. "It's our own little world." 

He knew Lukas wouldn't say anything sweet back. That's not how Lukas was. Lukas talked with his body, with his hands, with his kisses, and with his looks. In a way they didn't need words at all. Lukas loved with his body and Philip loved him back.  

Lukas nodded, brushing his lips along his jaw. "So you left Noah.."

"I already told you." Philip was smiling now and he didn't even need to think about it. He never had to think around Lukas. What they had was natural. He wished Lukas could see that and stop beating himself up over it. Come to think of it, he wished Lukas would do a lot of things for him. He dreamed one day Lukas really would.

Lukas leaned down and kissed the corner of his mouth. "Was it because of me?" 

Philip rolled his eyes. This was their game and he was sick of playing but he couldn't get out. "Yeah.. you proud of yourself?"

Lukas scoffed. "No."

"Then why do you keep asking me? You want an ego boost? You scared I don't like you?"

Lukas was silent and Philip knew he was under his skin.

"At least he could admit he liked boys."

Lukas scoffed and kissed Philip hard. "Shut up." Another rough kiss. "You don't know anything."

"I think I know more than you want me to know." Philip kissed him again, pulling him closer. "And I think you want to hate me but can't." 

Lukas pulled away, running his fingers through his hair. "We should do something." 

Philip sat up on his elbows and watched him. "Fine. Go write your stupid motorcycle."

"So now you're pissy?"

"I'm not pissy."

Lukas sighed and looked at Philip, then his bike, then back to Philip. He leaned down and kissed him, mumbling an apology into his mouth. Philip wondered if he was sorry for loving him or if he was sorry for not liking himself.

"You can go ride now." Philip smiled. He couldn't stay mad at Lukas, especially when he kissed him. "I'll watch."

Lukas leaned down and kissed Philip again and again before pulling away and walking towards his bike, looking back at Philip.

For a split second, Philip believed Lukas wanted him as bad as he wanted Lukas.

Lukas sped past him, his head forward. Philip knew what he was doing. He was doing what he did when they met. Trying to impress him. He would be lying if he said it didn't work. It did. It made Philips heart beat faster and it distracted him. 

The way Lukas looked on his bike could be considered art. No photo or drawing could compare to the way he moved on the bike, from his back to his hands to his shoulders, it was all beautiful and hypnotizing. He was an amazing rider and Philip was sure that he would be famous for it one day. It came to him naturally, all of his motions fluid and precise, he never hesitated, not once. 

He drove for an hour, doing jumps and spins, popping wheelies and doing whatever else he could in the small patch of empty grass they were in. It was there place, their meadow. The grass was just the right height, not too tall but not too short. The trees gave them shade and it was so far past the trees no one could find them, even if they wanted to. They couldn't be touched while they were here and it was the most indescribable feeling. Lukas pulled up next to him and climbed off, lowering his bike down onto the ground. He pulled his helmet off and sat down next to Philip.

"What time is it?" Lukas asked, leaning his head on Philips shoulder.

Philip slipped his phone out of his pocket and turned it on. "It's ten thirty." He mumbled, pushing up against Lukas' touch.

"My dad's gonna kill me." Lukas sighed, laying back against the grass. 

Philip frowned. "If you go now I doubt they'll call him. Just say you slept in late."

Lukas shook his head. "I told you I was going to spend the day with you."

"You're gonna have to go home after school... after this, I guess." Philip laid down next to him, resting his head on Lukas' shoulder.

"I have a party tonight." Lukas whispered and Philip slowly was beginning to hate secrets. "It's not mine, it's my friend Hayley's, but she wouldn't mind having extra people."

"Are you inviting me out on a date?" Philip knew he was pushing it but he couldn't help it.

"You wish." Lukas scoffed, pushing Philip away, playfully.

Philip pushed himself up and straddled Lukas, leaning back against his legs that were propped up. "I do." He leaned down and kissed Lukas, setting each of his hands on each side of his head. "Will you ever?"

"Will I ever what?" Lukas was kissing his neck now, leaving dark marks Philip was sure Noah would see. Thinking about him made his chest feel empty. He hurt him and it was his own choice, now the guilt was overwhelming but it's what Philip deserved.

"Ask me out." He leaned into Lukas' touch, pulling him closer by his shirt.

Lukas looked down. "I don't know.. I just.. I'm not supposed to like you.. like this."

"Like what?"

"Like kissing and shit. I'm straight."

"Lukas-"

"Why don't you get it? I'm not.. like you! I'm not gay!" 

"Then why do we keep doing this?" Philip shoved him off. "Why do you keep kissing me and drawing me in closer, Lukas?! You started this!"

Lukas sighed, it was a defeated sigh. Philip figured he was tired, it must be hard fighting yourself all the time. All Philip knew was fighting everyone else. He knew fighting Lukas too well. Lukas pressed his temple to Philips shoulder and looked up at him.

"It's hard.." He kissed his collar. "Just.. I'm trying, alright?"

Philip stayed silent and looked anywhere but Lukas.

"Don't be mad, Philip."

He was still silent.

"Baby." Lukas pulled him down into a kiss. "I.. maybe.. just.." 

Philip could almost see all the different thoughts running through Lukas' mind in his eyes.

"Stay." Lukas said, but it wasn't a whisper, it wasn't a secret.

Philip smiled, nodding. "Can't say no to you."

Lukas smiled against his lips then laughed.

Philip pulled away, chuckling himself. "What?"

"I don't know.." He rubbed Philips arms. "Just happy."

Philip bit his lip and looked Lukas up and down before nodding. "I am too." He pecked his lips. "Thank you for this."

Lukas shook his head. "It's nothing." 

Philip laid down, laying his head over Lukas' heart, listening to the beat of it. 

This was everything to him, but Lukas couldn't know that yet.

They laid like that, sucking up each other's warmth. Philip was silent the entire time, while Lukas rambled on and on about motocross and his turkeys and how he wants to teach Philip how to ride a horse because apparently everyone in this town knows how but him, which Philip highly doubted. He was started to build a life here and a future to pair up with it. Next Lukas went on about how his dad has always been an asshole and how Lukas must have got it from him. That's when Philip stopped being silent.

"He throws stuff a lot.. punches stuff.. he's shoved me a few times but I just learned to stay away from him when he's mad and it goes better."

Philip chewed on his lip and remembered how scared Lukas sounded the night he called him, panicking about his dad getting mad.

Lukas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm going to become him, aren't I?"

Philip shook his head. "You won't, Lukas. You know why?"

Lukas was the silent one now.

"Because you're sorry and you try to fix it and sometimes even do. That's the difference."

"Saying sorry isn't good enough. Nothing is."

"But changing is and from what you told me, you've changed a lot." 

Lukas scoffed. "I'm going to become him. It's inevitable. One time in health class we were taught that people who were abused become abusers because it's in their head or whatever."

"Does that mean I'm going to become a pedophile?"

Lukas made a face. "No. You aren't like that."

Philip nodded and leaned down, kissing Lukas' forehead. "And you aren't like that." 

Lukas tightened his jaw and gave in, pushing himself up and smiling a little at Philip. "Okay, whatever." He kissed his chin. "Let's stop talking about that stuff."

Philip knew what Lukas meant. He meant that they should stop being so emotional, stop talking about things that mattered. "Yeah, okay, what do you wanna talk about then?"

"I wanna arm wrestle."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because, Lukas, I said so."

"You're scared I'll win."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Fine. Let's do it." Philip climbed out of his lap and laid on his stomach, pressing his right elebow on the ground, watching Lukas.

Lukas laid on his stomach and planted his elbow on the dirt, wrapping his fingers around Philips hand.

Maybe the only way they would ever hold hands is in the violent way.

"On the count of three." Lukas grinned.

Philip shook his head. "I can't believe I'm doing this." 

"One. Two. Three." Lukas pushed against Philips hand, his tongue poking out of his mouth and his eyebrows knitting together in concentration.

Within seconds Lukas' hand was flat on the ground, Philip smiling.

"I win." Philip grinned, leaning over and pecking Lukas' lips.

"I wasn't ready!" Lukas replied, getting his arm into the position once more.

"I don't know." Philip teased. "You looked really ready."

Lukas glared at him. "One more rematch." 

Philip nodded and took Lukas hand. "One. Tw-"

"My count." Lukas muttered, watching Philips hand, almost glaring at it. "One. Two. Three."

Lukas' hand smacked flat on the ground once more and Lukas groaned. 

"How is a city kid stronger than me?" 

"Why would I not be?" Philip stood up. "I've gotten into fights and stuff. I just have strong arms."

"Yeah, well, whatever. Arm wrestling means nothing in the real world."

"Motocross means nothing." Philip laughed and within seconds Lukas was on him, pushing him back into the grass. They rolled around, pinning each other down before rolling over again and again. Before they one it they were rolling down the hill, grass staining their shirts and their laughs echoing through the forest. Once they reached the bottom of the hill, Lukas pinned him down, hands above his head, leaning down and kissing him.

"I win." 

"Wrestling doesn't mean anything in the real world."

Lukas smirked. "It does when I win."

Philip let out another laugh. His stomach hurt from all of the laughter. "Yeah, okay, tough guy, you're so scary."

Lukas nodded. "I know." Lukas pecked his lips before sitting up and pulling his phone out of his pocket. "Time to go."

Philip felt his chest ache and his mood drop. "Already?"

"Yeah, it's two thirty." Lukas kissed him again. "But you'll see me at the party. Don't be too sad."

"Like I would miss you." Philip muttered.

Lukas stood up and brushed his pants off. "I miss you."

It was quiet so Philip knew he probably shouldn't hear it.

"Go start the bike. I'll be up in a second." Philip mumbled, pulling his own phone out, unlocking it and tapping on the groupchat.

From: Philip   
Is anyone going to Hayleys party?

He hit send before stuffing his phone in his pocket and climbing up the hill, wrapping his arms around Lukas one more time and kissing him. Lukas kissed back and Philip couldn't help but smile. It's all he could do around Lukas. He really was addicted.


	27. Chapter 27

Turns out everyone was going to the party, it was a pretty big deal according to Lindsey. Hayley threw parties a lot, that's what James said, and that every time she threw one they got better. He said Philip couldn't miss out on a party like this. Philip agreed although he never really was into parties. He would go to clubs with boys who didn't care about him because during that small amount of time he got sat in who touched him, in who used him. He was allowed to be in control and he got high off of it. High off their praises and being able to say no and walk away, knowing they still wanted him.

Hayley was a girl on the cheerleading team. She was a junior along with the rest of them and she was probably Rose's best friend. Emma and here weren't close but Amy and her were, which was how Amy knew the party was happening weeks ago. She had to promise not to tell.  Philip hadn't met her yet but Amy had insisted that he saw her around at some point because they at least had the same lunch shift. 

Philip wasn't necessarily excited for the party but he was excited to go out. To get his mind off of things again. The idea of losing himself sounded heavenly at the moment. He pulled a clean shirt over his head, then pulled on a new pair of jeans, zipping and buttoning them up. He stepped in front of the mirror with his eyes closed and counted to ten, trying to keep his breathing steady.

Todd was gone. Todd couldn't hurt him. He was allowed to feel safe and allowed to look at himself. Todd didn't ruin him.

He opened his eyes and tucked his lips into his mouth, trying to keep his mind focused on the black threads of his shirt of the worn out spots in his jeans. Anything but his body. He closed his eyes only seconds later, stepping away from the mirror. What he saw wasn't himself, but a shell. A shell of a hurt child who had to grow up too quick. What he saw in the mirror was a body covered in gross hands, hands that left burn marks in their wake. He had to fight off the sick, dizzy feeling that spread throughout his body. 

He swallowed the lump in his throat and grabbed his phone off of his bed, stuffing it into his back pocket. He stepped out of his room, sighing when he saw Gabe and Helen sitting at the kitchen table. He plastered on a fake smile and walked out to them.

Gabe looked up and returned Philips fake smile with a genuine one. "Hey, Philip, are you going out tonight?"

Philip nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah, Emma and James think it's a good idea for me to get out and distract myself." 

"I agree. You deserve a little break from everything and if this party does it, go ahead." Gabes face hardened. "No drinking. No drugs. If you do either call me and I'll pick you up and bring you home."

"You did not just give him the okay for illegal activity." Helen snapped.

"Would you rather him running around town drunk or laying in bed buzzed, Helen?" Gabe replied. "It's safer if he knows he can talk to us than have him sneak around doing god knows what."

As they argued Philips mind went to Anne. She would never tell him those things. She hadn't told him to say no to drugs since he was probably ten. She didn't need to and she knew it. Philip would never do drugs, ever since he saw what they did to his mom they terrified him. Whether it be a bad batch or how much his mom did, Philip would never take pills or smoke something or even inject something into him just to feel high before inevitably falling down harder than ever. 

Helen sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "Fine. Call us if you do anything and if your friends do something try to get them so you can come back here."

Gabe smiled at her and put his hand over her other hand. "Be safe, be home by eleven."

Philip nodded. "Okay." He bit his lip and looked between Helen and Gabe. He was lucky he had Gabe, Gabe was more understanding then most people were. 

"Would you mind telling us why you skipped school after agreeing to go?" She sipped at her mug of water, her eyes drilling holes into Philips body.

"I-"

"He called me and told me he got to the bus stop and couldn't do it. He came back home and laid down." Gabe mumbled. "I get where he's coming from, I try things I'm not always ready for, too." 

Philip smiled at Gabe, stuffing both of his hands in his pockets. "Yeah.. I tried and I really wanted to.. but I just couldn't. It was too hard."

Helen set her mug down and nodded, looking at Philip, then at Gabe, closing her eyes and nodding some more. "Okay. We'll try again on Monday. Maybe we can even call the school counselor and you can start going to her. Look for some therapy."

Philip nodded, thanking god silently when he heard a car door close outside. "Yeah, I think that'll help." He knew it wouldn't. If he got therapy he would need it to be someone who specializes in childhood trauma not someone who heard about an adult having anxiety a few times a day. A few breathing techniques and talking about how sad he was wasn't going to fix anything he went through.

He waved goodbye to Helen and to Gabe before walking out of the front door. He smiled when he saw Noah leaning against his car, smiling at Philip. Noah agreed to take Philip since Emma was taking Jasper, Dasia, Clara, and Jessica. Philip waved at him as he walked down the large front yard.  Noah pushed himself off the car and walked towards Philip.

"Didn't see you at school today, are you alright?" His voice was soft and calm. Philip didn't deserve to hear it after what he did to him.

Philip nodded. "No.. but when have I been okay? I'm pretty sure I've never been okay." 

Noah chuckled. "That sounds like something I would read on a depression blog."

He scoffed and elbowed him. "I just have been bad. I skipped today, but in my defense I really did try to go."

"Was it with him?" Noah asked, pulling open the drivers side door. It was like he was torturing himself.

Philip walked around the car and climbed inside, shutting the door. "Yeah... He helped distract me from it." 

Then, Noah did something Philip wouldn't have ever expected. He smiled, big and bright and slightly hard stopping. "That's good. I'm glad he helped. If you ever need anything, I'm here and so is everyone else."

Philip smiled at him. "Thank you."

Noah started the car and backed out of the driveway. "You know if he hurts you I'm gonna have to fight him." He chuckled.

Philip rolled his eyes. "He already has."

Noah glanced at him, licking his lips. "I hope he fixes it.. he's really lucky."

Philip felt his cheeks flush a bright pink. "Whatever. I'm nothing special. I'm just work."

"You weren't for me." Noah muttered. "Listen, away from all the romantic shit, you're really great and Lukas needs to get his eyes checked if he can't see it."

Philip shrugged. "I think he sees it.. just doesn't like knowing he sees it."

"Ah. We've all been there, haven't we?"

"Yeah.." Philip glanced at Noah and bit his lip. "You're great, too."

Noah didn't seem to believe him. "Thanks.. I try."

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Be.. you. You're nice to everyone.. it's gotta be hard."

Noah shook his head. "I know people make mistakes. My.. my mom did. She.. she hit me a lot until she died in a car accident. Now I live here and I'm happy. I know how bad things can get, I don't want to make them worse for someone. Even if they deserve it, it isn't my right to choose if they do or not."

Philip bit his lip. "You're an actual angel."

Noah laughed, shaking his head. "That's a bit of a over exaggeration."

"No. It's not." 

Noah chuckled breathlessly. "Yeah, well, enough with the compliments. We're almost to the party and I would appreciate not being bright red when we get there."

"People might think we were making out." Philip teased.

Noah ignored the ache in his chest. "Yeah." 

Philip rolled down the window, listening.

"What are you doing?"

"Listening. In books and movies and stuff people always say you can hear the music from like blocks away."

Noah chuckled. "You really are a city boy."

"Am not. It's just something I wanted to test."

"Keep me updated." Noah replied, turning down a road. 

On each side of the road there were big houses, three stories with a lot of property. The kind of house every one dreams to have but only few get. The further down the road they went the more cars parked on the side of the road appeared. Thudding could be heard from outside, sort of like you're near an outdoor concert venue, the way you can hear the beat but not the words. 

"I can hear it." Philip called over to Noah, happily.

"Good." Noah pulled into a driveway and turned around, driving back towards the house before parking. They watched Emma climb out of her car, along with Jessica and everyone else. "Emma just got here and I can see James' car." 

Philip rolled the window up, nodding slightly. "Don't leave my side."

"How come?"

"I barely know these people. You know some of them. You got all of us." Noah ran his fingets through Philips hair, smiling at him. "Don't worry. You can always text me and we'll meet outside by my car. Deal?"

Philip smiled back. "Deal." 

They climbed out of their cars and smiled as the group rushed over to them. 

Emma's arms wrapped around Philip we soon as he saw her. She smelled like strawberries and she felt like home. She pulled away and cupped Philips cheeks before tugging on his hair. "Tell me when you're going to be gone next time, asshole. I was worried sick."

"Okay, okay, I'll text you." He laughed.

Clara stepped up next, wrapping her arms around Philips neck and hugging him tight. "You're so strong, you're doing so good. I'm proud." She cupped his cheeks and rubbed her thumbs over them.

Behind her Dasia smiled, her braids flowing down her back to her waist and her yellow dress fitting her perfectly, standing bright and beautiful against her skin. Clara and Dasia had been dating for about two weeks and Philip had barely gotten to know her. She was a genius, she always denied it but she really was and she treated Clara like a princess, so Philip of course, loved her.

Jasper offered a small smile and a wave before turning and making his way towards the house.

Jessica smiled at him, hugging him tight around his chest. "You look good tonight. Blacks your color."

Philip blushed bright red.

"He's doing it to impress someone." Noah teased, walking past the group and towards Jasper, following him inside of the house that seemed to be flooded with people. 

Jessica and Emma hooked arms with Philip, guiding him towards the front doors. People were already crowded outside, red cups in hand. Despite how hard he was looking, Philip couldn't find Lukas.

"You're going to love Hayley. She's so funny and she is so nice. Plus she's like, a math genius without trying, it's insane because like, she hates math." Emma rambled. 

Philip looked between her and Jessica and smirked to himself when he saw how Jessica looked at her. Jessica's face was soft and she had a small smile on her face. Her eyes were big and Philip had to hold back a laugh because if it was possible her eyes would be actual hearts.

They stepped up to the house, a small girl in a skin tight black dress and black tights stood there, greeting people. She had on thick winged eyeliner and had silver hair that was pulled back into two space buns. Her lipstick would match the color of the ruby red slippers from The Wizard Of Oz, Philip was sure of it.

Jessica dug her nails into Philips arm. "There she is."

Philip nodded to himself as they stepped into the porch.

"Hayley, this is Philip, the boy I told you about." Emma smiled.

Hayley looked up and her face instantly brightened. "Philip? Hi! I'm Hayley and I'm probably the best party thrower ever." She went to flip her hair over her shoulder but stopped when she realized it was tied back. "I hope you have fun and if you need anything, find me." 

Philip nodded, watching the way Hayleys eyes fell onto Jessica. Jessica was beautiful, anyone with eyes could tell that, but the way Hayley looked at her wasn't just because she was beautiful. It was because she wanted her. Emma noticed, too. She looked down and walked inside the house without saying another word. Philip was about to follow but Jessica pushed past, going into the sea of people as well.

Philip took a deep breath and made his way into the party, looking around for anyone he might know. The first person he noticed was Kayla. He smiled and tapped her in the shoulder. She whipped around and walked up to him, her dance movements making the drink in her cup spill over the edges.

"Hey, Philip!" She yelled, smiling. "Didn't think I would see you here!" 

He laughed. "Yeah, well." He raised his arms up. 

She laughed again, her laugh louder than the music. "I'm glad you're here! See you around!" She turned back around to her boyfriend and climbed into his lap.

Philip decided to turn away and make his way deeper into the house. The second person he recognized was Rose. Her hair was curled and she was wearing a crop top and torn jeans. She could probably get anyone in the house if she tried hard enough. As soon as Philip noticed her, she noticed Philip. 

She walked over, squeezing between moving bodies, her smile wide. She wasn't holding a cup and she didn't smell like alcohol. Philip was thankful. "Hey!" 

"Hey!" Philip wasn't sure if it was his heart beat or the music but Rose sounded like she was far away, not right in front of him.

"Have you seen a girl with long brown hair? Red tips? I want to talk to her!" Rose yelled over the music which seemed to only get louder.

"Um.. no, what's her name?" She didn't sound familiar but maybe Philip had a class with her.

"Bella." She looked around, sighing. "She's about my height. If you see her, come find me."

Philip didn't get the chance to reply, Rose was already stepping past him, calling the girls name again. He didn't remember a girl going by that name or even looking like that, but she could've been from a different school. He shrugged it off and walked through the last group of people that were crowded in the living room and made his way into the series of hallways. People were leaning against each side of the walls, talking or kissing. 

Philip pushed through one of the doorways into the kitchen. Less people were in here but most of the kegs were in there along with all of the red cups. Some were stacked up and others were half full that someone probably left behind. He stepped out of the kitchen and onto a deck in the back of the house. Breathing in the cool air felt amazing considering how hot and stuffy inside the house was. A few people were outside, one of the few being Lukas. Philip smiled and stepped down the stairs and off of the deck.

Lukas was leaning against one of the trees in the backyard, away from everyone else, his finger tracing the rim of his cup.

"Hey." Philip called, walking towards him.

His head shot up. "Oh.. hey.." 

"Everything alright?" He asked, sitting down next to him.

Lukas nodded. "Yeah, just waiting for you. Plus I lost Rose within like twenty minutes of getting here and I don't really like.. talk to anyone else." 

"Yeah, she was asking me if I had seen this girl named Bella." 

Lukas took a sip of what Philip assumed was beer before speaking again. "Yeah, they met a few weeks ago. Now they're like best friends." Be shrugged. "I've met her a few times at Rose's house but that's it. She's nice."

Philip nodded, taking Lukas' cup and taking sip before handing it back. Lukas turned the cup around and took a sip from the complete other side. Philip pressed himself against the tree, his fingers brushing across Lukas'. Lukas glanced at him and looked him up and down, biting his lip.

"You look good in black." He whispered, stripping Philip with his eyes. "You should wear that shirt more often."

Philip felt his cheeks heating up. "Thanks." He whispered. "Do you think we can kiss?"

"There's too many people." Lukas breathed out, pulling away, putting a few inches between Philip and himself.

Philip nodded, chewing on the bottom lip. "Okay.. well.. do you wanna go inside?"

"We shouldn't have gone out today." Lukas breathed out. "It wasn't right.. we aren't-" 

"Lukas." Philip pleaded. "There's nothing wrong with you.. or with us, we're normal."

"My dad hit me." He whispered. "When I got home.. the school called and I knew they would but he.. he beat me. Not hard enough to leave marks but hard enough to teach me a lesson."

"We won't skip anymore then." Philip moved closer. "We'll be more careful and if he gets mad again you can come to my house just.. we'll get out of here as soon as we can."

"No." Lukas said, harshly. "If he finds out about us, about you and about me? He'll kill me. He.. you.." He took a shaky breath. "You don't know how he talks about.. people like that. He thinks that they're sick and that they're wrong and that they need to be punished or helped or treated or whatever thing he can think of that day!"

Philip put his hand on Lukas' chest. "Lukas, calm down, okay? I.. I won't let him touch you." 

Lukas shook his head. "I don't want him finding out about you.. what.. what we do, we keep it a secret, alright? Don't come to my house.. ever."

Philip put his hands up and nodded. "Okay, okay. Whatever you want." 

Lukas looked at the people who were spread out across the lawn. "I want to go inside." 

"Okay." Philip stood up, brushing his pants off and walking down the lawn. He stayed ahead of Lukas, moving as fast as he could. Lukas wanted them to be a secret and Philip could do that, especially if it had to do with Lukas' safety. He pushed through the crowds of people, his eyes falling upon Rose once again. 

Rose was leaning up against the corner of two walls, a girl standing in front of her. The girl had long brown hair and red tips and looked to be about sixteen or maybe seventeen. Rose's hands were around her waist and Philip couldn't help but smile. Yeah, they must be very good friends. He kept walking, looking around. He stepped down a flight of stairs and stopped when he heard yelling. They weren't yelling over the music either, they were yelling at each other. He peeked around the end of the staircase and saw Emma along with Jessica, Amy, Clara and Hayley. There was also another girl there with blonde curls and bangs. Members of the dance team stood behind her.

"You really think we still need you?" Hayley shouted. "You made our team suck. You were barely at any practices."

A dance team girl Philip had met at the movies stepped up. "You're just mad because she actually likes dance team."

"Oh, shut up, Camila, you and I both know dance team is a joke." Jessica snapped, stepping behind Emma.

The girl with bangs scoffed. "Do you know how many people hate cheerleaders? How many people think that the cheer team is just full of a bunch of bitches?"

Lindsey smirked. "You really wanna go there?" She laughed. 

"Yeah, we do." Kayla replied, stepping close to Lindsey. "You scared?"

"Yeah, right. You guys are just a bunch of strippers in training." Emma hissed.

"Did she really just say that?" Camila laughed. "Because I know-"

Philip squeezed between the two groups of girls and smiled down at Emma. "I need your help?"

"We'll settle this another time." Erica muttered, walking past the group of cheerleaders and up the stairs Philip had came down.

"With what?" Emma asked, running her fingers through her hair, dragging them through the tangles.

"Nothing.. I just wasn't in the mood to watch a bunch of girls beat each other." 

Jessica giggled. "Me too. I was ready to hold Emma back."

Lindsey laughed. "I shouldn't but god.. I just can't help but want to pound their faces in."

"Isn't Rose part of the team?" 

Clara nodded. "She is, she's just gone doing god knows what with Lukas."

Philip bit his lip. "Okay.. well.. keep your hands to yourself, no more fighting with anyone." 

"Okay, dad." Lindsey teased. "What are you doing down here anyway?"

"Um.. just wanted to find a quiet place. I guess the basement isn't ideal for parties."

Jessica looked Philip up and down. "You're trying to find a place to hook up."

"Jess!" Emma screamed. "You don't just say that!"

"Am I wrong?" 

"Look." Philips cheeks were hot. "Even if I was you guys should do the right thing and go upstairs so I can.. hook up." 

Lindsey nodded. "And that's my cue to go find James."

Clara nodded. "I think Dasia is calling me."

Jessica and Emma both turned around and followed the other girls up the steps, Emma staying behind a few seconds to give Philip a thumbs up. Philip rolled his eyes and felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He waited for the call to go to voicemail before pulling his phone out and shutting it off completely. He walked back and forth, rubbing his arms nervously, praying that Lukas had followed him down. He jumped when a door in the basement opened up.

Stephanie stepped out, giggling uncontrollably. "Philip!" She waved. "Hi!" 

Philip waved back, slowly. "Uh...hi.." 

"We just got done playing spin the bottle. It was great." She grinned.

Mariana followed her out, along with three other girls Philip had never seen. "You didn't see this, okay?"

Philip raised his eyebrows, nodding. "Um.. yeah, alright."

And with that they swarmed up the stairs. Lukas came down seconds after they left, shutting the basement door and locking it.

"Its kinda quiet down here.." 

Philip nodded. "Yeah, it's weird since the music is so loud everywhere else."

Lukas shrugged, stepping towards him. "We alone."

"Yeah, the rest of the people down here just went up." He smiled. "Why?" 

Lukas leaned down and kissed him. "Because I wanted to be able to do that."

Philips smile turned into a grin. "In that case, we are definitely all alone." Philip felt his back hit the wall as Lukas' lips hovered over his own.

"Good."


	28. Chapter 28

Philip woke up with his head pounding so bad he could barely open his eyes. He rolled over, wincing when bright lights filled his vision. He rubbed his eyes and kept his head tilted down. It took a few seconds before he could sit up. Once he sat up he realized that he wasn't in his own bed, or in his room, or even in his house at all. The room had thin, cheap looking wallpaper with a few paintings hanging on the walls. There was a big bookcase filled with older books against the wall and if Philip wasn't so freaked out he would have gotten up and looked for them.

He climbed out of bed and pulled his shoes on. He looked in the mirror and closed his eyes. He's probably just dreaming. This is all some weird dream. He's actually at home. He's safe. Philip walked towards the door and opened it, slowly, taking in where he was.

Outside of his room was a railing then a stair case. To the left of him were three more rooms and there were sounds coming from downstairs. He took a deep breath and walked towards the stair case and down the steps, holding onto each of the railings so tight that his knuckles turned white. He stepped off of the last step and peeked around the corner, stopping when he saw Emma and Jessica, along with another girl at a table in the kitchen.

"Emma?" Philip called.

Emma turned her head, the bun atop her head, bouncing. "Morning, sleeping beauty."

Philip scoffed. "No offense.. but why did you bring me here?"

Jessica sipped her coffee, her eyes going wide.

"Um.. you got.. trashed.. so Lukas told me to take you home since your mom is.. kinda a cop." Emma shrugged. "Your phones charging in my room right now. I called and said you decided to spend the night. You have missed calls, too."

Philip nodded. "And you knew my password how?"

"Lukas."

Philip rolled his eyes. "I'm going to kill him."

"You guys seem.. close." Jessica smirked.

He smiled nervously. "Yeah.. we've gotten closer than we were."

"Closer than Noah?" Jessica asked.

"Don't tell. He's not-"

"I get it." Jessica replied. "I won't. It was sweet, though, he helped put you in the car and everything."

"I thought your car was full?"

"Jasper went home with Noah because Lukas was.. how do you say it? Too tense to talk to Noah." Emma stated. "He's gonna have a rude awakening when he realizes you still talk to him."

"No.. um.. he knows. He just doesn't like it." Philip rubbed the back of his neck. "Anyway um.. morning."

Emma smiled. "Good mor- oh! I almost forgot. Philip, this is my sister, Courtney. You might have seen her around she is the cheer coach."

Courtney smiled and waved at him. "Hi." 

Jessica sipped at her coffee again. "Sleep good, party boy."

Philip flipped her off. "I deserved to drink. My life has been shit."

"Can't fight you there."

"Exactly." Philip sighed, rubbing his temple. "I should probably get home. What time is it?" 

"Ten."

"Are you serious?" Philip mumbled. "I'm sorry. I gotta go. Thank you for taking me here." He leaned down and kissed Emma's head, then waved at Jessica and Courtney. He walked out of the kitchen and ran up the stairs, going into Emma's room, grabbing his phone and unplugging it. He stuffed it onto his pocket and walked down the steps, waving goodbye one last time before stepping out of the front door.

The sky was cloudy but it was still bright outside. Philip squinted and wished he had brought a hoodie with him. He pulled his phone out and turned it on, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw who all the calls were from.

Mom (8) 

Philip tapped on his voicemail box and tapped on the play button before pressing his phone to his ear.

'Hey sweetie.' His mom's voice was quiet like always, but there was a trace of something else in it. Fear? No. Why would she be scared? Would Todd have the balls to even get close to her with the risk of going to jail. He had to know what happened to pedophiles in prison. 

'I just wanted to hear your voice. Hopefully you're sleeping. Love you.'

Then a click and the next message began.

'Philip, honey, I want you to know something.. I love you a lot and you've been the best little boy I could've had. You're so strong, stronger than most people I've ever met. Stronger than most men.. stronger than you'll give yourself credit for. Just.. you'll get through this.'

Through what? It was hell not being with her and being away from home still but Todd was gone for the most part and he had no idea where Philip was. Tivoli isn't as bad as it could be.

Another message began to play. His mother's voice was shaking like she was holding back tears.

'I'm so sorry this has become your life, sweetie, I'm so sorry you got it so bad I wish I could change it. I love you so much. You're my best friend. You've been worth every bad thing that ever happened to me.. because you know.. people always say that all the things that happen in your life lead to something.. I know I'm rambling. I just love you.'

Was she high? She was always extra clingy when she was but she wouldn't. She's going to rehab, she would start off clean, that's how shes always done it. She would convince herself she could do it, that she could give it up, and she would for a couple of days. Then she would slip up and go back to her old ways. It had broken Philips heart a number of times.

Another message played.

'I am so sorry that you got stuck with me as a mom. I know I'm not what you deserve and I know that I've let you down and hurt you and I'm so sorry.' 

She was crying now, Philip could hear it, the way she was breathing and the small sobs in between words.

The fifth message began to play.

'I hope I gave you some good memories. Like when you were little and we would go out once a month and see a movie and eat wherever you want.' She began to sob even louder. 'I hope you don't hate me. I've been trying really hard. Please forgive me.' 

The sixth began and Philip felt sick. His feet were heavy and it felt like he couldn't move. His heart raced and his face was wet. Was he crying? 

'I love you. I love you. I love you. This isn't your fault.' 

What wasn't his fault? 

The seventh message began and Philip felt like he was suffocating. 

'Helen and Gabe love you and they can give you more than I could ever give you.' It was almost impossible to understand what she was saying. 'And you have so many real friends in Tivoli.. I can't be the one to ruin it for you.'

All Philip could think about was what she was talking about. She wouldn't ruin it for him and while Gabe loved him Helen hated him. She acted like he was a burden. He could hear her complain about him at night. Sometimes he just wished Helen would stay at work or move away. 

The eighth message began without Philip even noticing.

'I love you so much, baby. You're my world. Don't let this ruin your life, don't let me hurt you any more. Goodbye, sweetie, I love you.' 

The message ended and Philips phone fell silent. 

Philip knew what it could be but he prayed it was the opposite. His mom couldn't blame herself for his life. She didn't know and as soon as she found out she kicked Todd out. She tried to get better for him and he loved her for it. But Philip knew that her addiction was bad and while every time she slipped up upset him he didn't get mad or blame her. Humans can only be so strong and given her position she obviously wasn't going to make the smartest or beat choices. He would never blame her and he never had.

Philip didn't even notice he was running until his muscles began to ache. He was clinching his phone in his hand so tight thst he feared he might break it. His muscles were on fire but instead of slowing down he focused on it. His entire body burned but he couldn't find the time to care. He needed to get to his mom and talk to her, make sure she was okay because she couldn't just kill herself, right? She had to be okay. 

Philip lungs burned at the same intensity as his muscles. He had tears streaming down his face but they mixed with his sweat. He had no idea where he was going the same way he had no idea that he was running. His body worked on auto pilot while his mind panicked, going through the thousands of terrifying situations his mom could be in. Thinking about them only made him run faster, his muscles and lungs screaming for a break or time to recover. Philip ignored it again, keeping his face forward, never looking down. 

He ran and he ran and he ran and he had no idea where he was going until he stopped. Lukas' house stood tall in the mid morning sun. He had only been to his house twice. He didn't know why he decided to come here, considering he didn't really decide it. Maybe it was fate. He shook his head at the thought. He shouldn't be thinking about this when his mother could be hurt or worse. He ran towards the house, climbing the stair case and banging on the door.

Lukas opened the door only seconds later, shoving Philip back, slamming the front door shut. "What the hell?!" Lukas' face was a mix of anger and confusion, his eyebrows knitted together. 

"You need to drive me to the city." Philip was grabbing at Lukas now. His hands. His shirt. Anything to ground him and take him away from his thoughts.

"You know my dad's inside! You can't come around when he's here!" Lukas all but shouted. "He doesn't kno-"

"No one does! That's not the point! We need to hurry." Philip babbled, his words turning into sobs. His chest felt tight and his body was on fire. 

"Dude." Lukas pushed his hands away.  "What the fuck is going on!?" 

"Its my mom, alright? She's.. She left me these messages and she sounded like she was crying and she kept saying sorry and telling me how much she loved me and I just.. I need to check on her." 

Lukas looked down at him for a few seconds. "Fine. Go around to the barn and wait. I'll tell my dad you were Rose or something and we can go." He turned to walk inside but stopped and kissed Philips forehead then went inside.

Philip looked at his feet as he walked towards the barn. He watched the way the bugs jumped or flew away as his feet crushed the new grass underneath his shoes. His hands were in his pockets and a lump was in his throat. He could barely breathe, not because he ran or because he had been crying but because his mother could be scared and hurt and he isn't there to help her. The idea of his mom just being alone and crying made him want to fall to his knees. 

Lukas walked out minutes later, running into the barn. He picked up two helmets and handed one to Philip then tugging his own on. He climbed onto his bike and started it, looking over at Philip and patting the seat behind him. Philip pulled on his helmet and climbed on, wrapping his arms around Lukas so tight that Lukas had to be in pain and just didn't want to tell Philip.

They sped down the road going much faster than they should but Philip couldn't care less. He just needed to get to his mom. The pain in his chest had only gotten worse as the rest of his body began to relax. His arms were tense as they held onto Lukas but he couldn't help it. He was on edge, his heart beating faster than it should.

Trees and houses blurred together as they sped up and down the roads towards the highway and it hurt to watch. It made him feel sick in a way and it somehow felt worse than it did when he drank so much the world would spin. The lump in his throat had gotten bigger and he was choking back tears. No matter what he did his mind would always fall back to Anne being dead. But she couldn't be. Anne had been depressed and cried and blamed herself before but she hadn't ever tried something like this. She could've been drunk and even more emotional than usual. Philip prayed that that was the case. He couldn't lose anything else in his life. He wouldn't be able to handle it.

The highway wasn't packed, the only cars on it were big eighteen wheelers carrying god knows what. Lukas sped through the lanes like he could live forever and right now Philip wished he could. He wanted, no, he needed something that was constant in his life. He couldn't lose Lukas and his mother. The idea of losing just one made him dizzy and feel sick. 

Anne was going to be okay. He would walk into their small apartment and find his mom cooking pancakes or cleaning or watching the food network or the news. She would be happy and vibrant and she would hug him as tight as she could and tell him how much she loved him. She would talk to Lukas and try to learn all about him because that's what she did. His mother was fascinated by everything and it was beautiful and she was beautiful and Philip just could not lose her.

He would get there and their apartment would be cluttered and grey looking but it would be home. She would be in her long skirts and loose tank tops and she would kiss his head and rub his back and ask him all about his morning as if she didn't scare him half to death. 

Once they pulled off of the highway Philip had to scream directions at Lukas. Lukas at this point was almost as anxious as Philip. Philip knew it was probably because he was surrounded by tall buildings and other cars instead of empty dirt roads and houses every few miles but it felt kind of good. He didn't feel as alone anymore. Lukas probably knew how he felt to some extent, considering that he lost his mom when he was a kid.

They pulled up outside of the apartment building and Philip climbed off so fast he almost fell. He threw his helmet on the ground and started to walk towards the small ally that lead to a courtyard for all the apartments on the bottom floor to use. He stuffed his hands in his pockets as he ran, digging around for his keychain.

Lukas followed. "Dude, slow down."

He called but Philip didn't listen. He just kept walking. And Lukas kept following.

"Is this where you used to live?" Lukas asked, looking all around the buildings.

Philip knew Lukas wasn't impressed. If anything he was disgusted. Lukas had everything. A full fridge and a room twice the size of Philips. He had money and friends. He had things Philip only dreamed about when he lived there.

"Save the jokes for later." Philip hissed, flipping through his keys. "I'm not in the mood right now."

"Why would I make a joke?" Lukas asked, looking around with wide eyes. He looked fascinated. It reminded Philip of his mom. "This is where you grew up.. it's nice that I get to see it."

"Yeah, whatever." Philip mumbled, pulling out the key and slipping it into the lock, twisting it.

"I'm gonna pretend you weren't an asshole and chalk it all up to you being stressed about.. I don't even know." Lukas babbled, walking towards the door.

Philip rushed inside, leaving his key in the door. "Mom?" He called. "Mom!?" It's possible that she was gone but it wasn't usual. Anne didn't really go out and if she did it was to the grocery store. 

Philip walked into the kitchen and she wasn't in there. Plates were on the table and dishes were stacked inside the sink but no sign of his mother. She wasn't in the living room either but the T.V. was playing, faint voices coming from the speakers. 

He rushed towards his room next, stopping when he saw the door was closed. Did his mom leave his room alone when he left? He opened the door slowly and sighed. It felt like it had been years since he had been in his room. Everything was still where he left it but his bed was unmade. He smiled at the idea that his mom would come in and lay down. That she missed him like he missed her.

He stepped out of his room and walked down the hall to Anne's room, pushing the door open. Her bed was neatly made and her room was clean. The carpeted floor was empty and her windows were open wide letting in all the polluted air from the outside. Philip always told his mom the air outside was just as bad as it was in their apartment but she disagreed. She said that it was a little bit better and Philip had no way of knowing how bad one or the other was. His mother didn't like disliking things. She only ever really talked bad about people that hurt them. She was too good for this world. She was too innocent and kind. 

There was only one room left in their small apartment and it was the bathroom. Philip was sure Anne was just gone grocery shopping or something. She wouldn't just lock herself in the bathroom and hide from him.

"Lukas!" Philip called. Before he could finish his statement Lukas came strolling towards him, smiling. "I'm pretty sure she's just gone.. so.. thanks for bringing me.. I know I wasn't-"

"You were fine. I would've done the same thing. Just check the bathroom so we can go." Lukas leaned against the wall. 

Philip nodded, opening up the door and stepping inside. The floor was covered in water. He walked further into the bathroom and froze. 

Anne was in there, soaking wet. She was fully clothed and had her hair tied tight in a bun. Her eyes were closed and she was pale. Further down her body is when it got worse. Her shirt was stained with blood and the water surrounding her had a faint pink color. Her arms were torn up and stained with dried blood that resembled a rusted piece of metal. Her arms had deep cuts on the inner part of her wrists. She looked like she was sleeping. 

Philip dropped to his knees and began to vomit, throwing up whatever was left in his system from the day before. His throat and mouth burned, his eyes filled with tears. The knees of his jeans were beginning to soak with water but Philip couldn't stand up. He was too weak. He reached over and grabbed a towel off of the counter, wiping his mouth off. He put one hand on the bathtub and the other on the counter, pulling himself up. He walked towards the bathtub, hunching over it.

"Mom.." He whispered, reaching down and cupping her cheek. Her face was colder than the water she was soaking in. "Mom." This time he was sobbing, tears dripping down his cheeks and into the bathtub, causing small ripples in the water.

"Philip?" Lukas tapped on the door and stepped inside, freezing. "Oh my god. Philip. Oh my god."

"Shut up!" Philip screamed through his tears.

"Philip." Lukas sounded less panicked this time. "We need to call someone.. the police or something..."

"Call an ambulance."

"Philip.. I-"

"Call. An. Ambulance."

"Philip.." Lukas breathed, his arms wrapping around Philip and pulling him back into his chest. "Philip.. I think she's dead."


	29. Chapter 29

Philip stayed on the floor, clutching Annes cold body while Lukas stepped out of the room to call 911. Her eyes were shut as if she were sleeping and that's what made this so hard. Philip had seen the face hundreds of times before. Eyes closed, head tilted back, blank face. It was still sinking in when Lukas came back into the room. He stayed silent while Philip rocked her in his arms. She looked so natural. This is his mom. Was. This was his mom. He shook his head, letting more tears drip down his cheeks and splash across Anne's. It made him sick.

"There's a chance.." he gasped out. He was drowning in ankle deep water. He was drowning in his tears. In his guilt. At this moment, Philip began to wonder if he could die from a broken heart.

"Philip.." Lukas began. He stopped, though, because Philips world was crashing down on top of him and he couldn't make it worse. "Yeah.. she could have just passed out."

Philip nodded, subconsciously focusing on anything but Annes body. He didn't know how he would react if he didn't see her chest rise and fall. So he stayed on her face. Her cold, pale face. Anne had always been pale, but there was always a hint of color to her cheeks. Now she just looked like a corpse. Her weight was digging into Philips body, his legs slowly falling to sleep. He didn't move, though. If she was still alive moving her carelessly could result in brain damage or something like that. He saw videos about it in school, they always told him to never move someone if they were hurt, wait for a professional, it could end in more damage.

"They're on the way." Lukas knelt down next to Philip, slowly, water splashing around him. His warm arms wrapped around Philip.

Philip jumped underneath his touch and shrugged his shoulders. "Look at her.." He whispered, his warm thumbs shaking as they slid along her colorless cheeks. "God. Lukas.."

"I know." Lukas whispered. He pressed his body against Philips and looked at Anne. He had dreamed about meeting Philips mom once or twice. He would never admit it, but his own heart ached. This was another thing that would set Philip away from everyone else. A dead mom. An abusive father figure. Gay. He probably felt alone. Lukas knew how it felt. He had felt it for years. Philip changed it for him, though, so Lukas thought it was only fair to try and return the favor.

"She.. This is my mom." He repeated. It was like he was trying to convince himself that it really was her. This was real. The cold body and the water surrounding them. The ambulance sirens in the distance. This was happening and there was no changing it. This was his life. "I love her." Philip clutched her face, his fingers tangling in her knotted hair. "I love you, mom." He could barely speak with the lump in his throat. "I love you so much."

Lukas didn't speak. He stroked Philips arm and watched him. He did what he wished everyone had done for him when he lost his own mother.

"She's so pretty.." He rubbed her arm. "She was always so pretty. This was her favorite dress. She liked the ones with flowers on them. She said they reminded her of spring." Philip froze. "I said liked.. Lukas," His nails were digging into Lukas' arm, he could feel them cutting into his skin, but he didn't say anything. He just let Philip cling to him. "Lukas, am I admitting shes dead?"

"That isn't a bad thing." Lukas whispered. "Everyone.. we all.."

"She isn't dead!" Philip shouted, his body shaking. Anne slipped off of his lap and into the water and Philip screamed so loud Lukas winced. He cradled her in his arms once more and shook his head. "She's just.. the paramedics. They'll help. They know what to do. It could be a coma. It could be frost bite. The water is cold and she was asleep. There's no heat." Philip pulled her closer into his chest. "I can't lose her.. I haven't lost her. You're okay, mama." He clung to her as if she was holding him afloat.

"Philip.. calm down-" Lukas rubbed his back. 

"Calm down?! My mom is hurt!" He screamed, pulling her closer. Her head was on his shoulder, her body resting in his lap, motionless. "If you think this is stupid you can leave! I don't care! I don't care about any of this bullshit!" 

"You don't mean that." Lukas whispered. It hurt but he knew it wasn't true. "Please, Philip, they'll be here soon. Just.. take a few deep breaths-"

"Fuck off!" Philip jerked away from Lukas so hard that he slipped around in the water. "You don't care! No one does! Only I care about her and only she cares about me!" He panted, staring at the tub still full of water. "She's all I have.. I.. I can't.. she.." He winced as of he had been stabbed. "She's all I got.." His voice was cracking and the jagged edges were cutting into Lukas' heart like a knife. 

Lukas hands sprawled across both of Philips biceps. "Philip.. a lot of people are here for you. Emma, Noah, and all of them. I know they love you. And I.. I love you, Philip, you.. you got people so please just.. put her down and let's go get ready for the ambulance. They'll take care of her." 

Philip stared at Anne and for the millionth time that day Lukas watched his heart break. "If they hurt her.."

"I'll knock their teeth out." Lukas forced out a fake smile and rubbed his arms with his thumbs. "But we need to be ready for them so they can help her. Okay?" He pulled Philip into his arms and pressed his face to the top of his head. "I'm here." 

Philip sobbed into his chest, his body shaking so hard that it sent ripples through the water on the floor. It broke Lukas. In that moment Lukas knew how helpless it feels to love someone more than anything and not be able to fix it or help it. Lukas lost his mom, he knows nothing can fill the void, but god, for Philip he wished there was a way to fill it. To fix it. Because Philip Shea didn't deserve any of this.

A new set of sirens echoed throughout the city and only got louder the longer they went on. Lukas pressed a kiss to Philips head and pushed himself up on the slick floor. He walked out of the room, going outside to wait for the paramedics, leaving Philip alone with Anne once more. 

Philip scooped her up in his arms and stumbled back against the counter, wincing as the cold counter slammed into his lower back. "Its okay, mom." He whispered, smiling. "They're gonna come help you. Isn't that good? I know you don't like doctors but this is good. It'll help you. And I'll be there. I won't leave you." He stroked her hair and pressed his soft warm lips against her cool forehead. His tears streamed down his cheeks and onto Anne's face, warning the patches of skin it hit. 

Philips head shot up when he heard the front door creak open and the stomping of boots fill his apartment. He clutched her tighter and sobbed into the crook of his neck. "They might take you away but its okay. I'm here. I'm always gonna be here, mama." 

"Where are they?" One man's voice boomed as he shuffled through the cramped hallway. 

"In the back, in the bathroom!" Lukas' voice was choked up and muffled by the thin walls.

The men pushed through the tight hallway and shoved the door open do the bathroom so hard that nails and screws and other parts of the door knob and lock fell into the water on the floor. Philips head jerked up and he gripped Anne tighter. The men didn't care that he was crying. One grabbed Anne and pulled her away so fast and so harshly that a scream ripped through Philip. He ran at the man, grabbing at his arms.

"You're going to hurt her!" He screamed, piynfing his fists against the man's chest. "Be careful!" 

Two sets of arms tangled themseleves around Philip and pulled him back against the counter with a thud.

"Kid!" One shouted into his ear. Philip winced. "Calm down! We're here to help!" 

"Hold him back!" The man who was holding Anne yelled. He shuffled through the water and carried her out of the room. Her body was swinging unnaturally, moving to the rhythm of the man's movements like a rag doll. 

Philip shook his head and shoved the arms away, whipping around and grabbing onto the counter. "He wasn't careful with her." He whispered. "They're supposed to have one of those carts."

The man to the right of Philip put a large hand on his back and rubbed it. "We can't fit it in here." He mumbled. "Now, son, I'm gonna have to ask you some questions while they check on her." 

"Is it your mother?" The other one asked, peering down at Philip with his eyebrows furrowed.

Philip nodded. "Yes. That's my mom and she hates hospitals. I need to be with her." He pushed off of the counter and prayed that his weak legs could carry him outside. He stumbled towards the door, grabbing onto the wood, sighing when it wiggled. The man had taken it off it's hinges.

"Sir." A man spoke. "Do you need help? Are you hurt, too?"

"No!" Philip snapped. "Go help my mom. She needs it. She isn't okay. She was cold."

"Maybe it's too-" the other man started but the first put his hand over his chest as a signal for him to stop talking.

"Okay." He spoke softly and followed Philip down the small hallway. 

They all let out a sigh of relief when they made it into the living room. While it was small it could never compare to how cramped the hallway had been. Philip tugged his fingers through his hair and walked towards the almost blinding sunlight that spilled through the front door. Lukas was outside, Philip could see him standing nervously on the porch, typing on his phone. If Philip wasn't so weak he would have punched Lukas in the jaw for doing it. His mother was hurt but he rather be on his phone. 

Philip stepped through the doorway and squinted, looking around the area. The ambulance lights were dancing across the apartment buildings while three people hunched over one of the carts Philip was asking about. He could see the end of Anne's dress and her hair flowing over the sides. Hope filled his body. They were saving her. They were fixing her. Philip wiped his eyes and started to walk over, a giant smile on his face. His mom was okay.

"Philip!" Lukas' voice cut through the wind but Philip ignored it.

As he got closer he saw one of the paramedics lean back against their heels. Then another. And another. 

The last one pulled his hat off and messed with his hair. "DOA." He mumbled.

"Shit." The female worker mumbled. "Fuck." She stood up and tugged on the end of her ponytail. She walked away from the group, going and leaning against the brick wall of one of the apartment buildings. 

"DOA?" Philip whispered, looking between all of the workers then his mother. "D-DOA? No, my.." He glanced around at all of them. They were looking at him the same way people looked at him when he went to court. He rubbed his face. "She can't.." A new set of tears build up behind his eyes, trickling down his cheeks. "Not my mom.." His voice cracked. "No!" 

The other two paramedics from inside made their way over to the other two sitting next to Anne. They pulled the cart up and rolled it through the ally towards the flashing lights of the ambulance.

"No!" Philip screamed once more. "No! No! No! She's not dead! She can't be dead!" 

The female paramedic from against the walls eyes widened. She pushed herself off of the wall and rushed over to Philip. "Hey, hey." Her voice was soft like Anne's. It ripped Philips heart out and made him feel sick. She wasn't gone. "I'm so sorry. I know this is painful and scary and you don't wanna believe it." Her hands were small but somehow wrapped around Philips shoulders with ease. "But I'm here and it's okay." 

Philip opened his mouth to speak but the words were lost and were replaced with a sob. He wrapped his arms around her and almost knocked her over. He gripped her tight and cried and cried until he couldn't cry anymore. She stayed with him, rubbing his back gently. She stroked his hair and rubbed his back.

Once Philip had stopped screaming and sobbing she pulled away and her hands slid down his arms. 

"Okay, now.. we're gonna take her to the hospital and they're gonna put her in the morgue until we figure out who she is and so she can get examined." She smiled. It broke Philip. How dare she smile during this? How dare she be okay while his entire life was crumbling around him? It filled him with rage. "Do you have any one we can call?" 

"I'm her son!" Philip said quickly. His rage was replaced with panic. "She's my mom. My real mom."

"We'll identify her tomorrow." How could they put this off? Her warm hands fell to her sides. "We need to search for ID and you're hysterical. This will be the best for all of us. Now. Where is your family? Cousins?"

Philip shook his head. "No aunts, no uncles. No husband. No grandparents. Nothing." He mumbled. "She kept to herself."

"We'll do some research, okay?" She smiled. "What about people who can pick you up?" 

Footsteps approached behind Philip. It took every nerve in his body not to whip around and scream at them.

"I called them." Lukas' voice was calm. It only pissed Philip off more. Why wasn't anyone else mad? Or scared? "They're on their way. Where should we go?" 

Philip turned behind him and watched Lukas as he spoke. He pressed against his arm and tensed up when Lukas' fingers touched his own. Lukas hand pressed against Philips. He held it tight and intertwined their fingers.

"A police officer is here. He will wait with you until they get here." She glanced between the two boys. "I am so sorry, we tried our best. I'm upset that we lost her, too.." 

"DOA." Philip whispered. "Dead on arrival. That means she had been dead. In my arms." He covered his mouth, tears splashing on his hands. "How long has she been dead?" 

"We don't know." She stretched behind her and pulled her ponytail tighter. "You'll find out when you come to look at the body."

Philip nodded, looking down. "Thank you."

She smiled. "I have to go now.. I hope your family gets here, soon." She turned around and ran through the small ally, her hair swaying behind her.

Philip took a few deep breaths and buried his face in Lukas' chest. "I don't have a family. I have nothing." 

"You got me." Lukas rubbed his back. "You got me, Philip, and you'll never not have me."

Philip rolled his eyes but Lukas couldn't see. He didn't have a family. They'll all leave. Emma. Noah. James. Clara. Even Lukas. He could go on and on for hours, listing off all of the reasons they would leave him. He was too much. Too annoying. Too sad. He had too much baggage. He wrapped his arms around Lukas' neck, pulling him down.

Lukas held him as he cried and hid. He didn't know what he was hiding from. The death? Todd? His life? He didn't know. But everything was becoming too much and the only time he seemingly could breathe was when Lukas was holding him. It was a safe feeling but he didn't dare grow attatched. Lukas would leave. Lukas had been trying to leave and so had Philip. But Philip knew he didn't want to leave. He wanted to come home to these arms in ten years and kiss those same chapped lips.  

But now, now Philip could barely see himself living to see tomorrow. Lukas didn't do futures, he barely dated Philip. If what they even had was dating. All Philip wanted to do was hide and cry. Could he die from feeling this sad and hopeless? Could he go home and close his eyes and just simply never wake up? The idea didn't sound bad. But killing himself? He barely had the energy to breathe and to hold onto Lukas. How could he muster up the energy to end his own life?

"Philip." Lukas whispered. "We need to go wait with the officer." He pressed a kiss to Philips forehead.

Philip nodded, pulling away from him and walking down the ally. He stared at his hands. If he hadn't had been at that party he could have answered the phone and saved his mother. He could have stopped her. He slammed into the brick wall and fell to his knees, vomiting. Footsteps rushed towards him and warm hands touched his back. He could hear Lukas speaking but he didn't understand what he was saying. Philip wiped his mouth with a tissue from his pocket and pulled himself up.

Lukas held him up as they walked and Philip told himself that maybe Lukas loved him. Lukas had just watched everything be torn away from him and he hadn't ran. He stayed. He watched Philip cry and scream and vomit and he still stayed. Could Lukas love him? 

Philip pushed the thoughts into the back of his mind. He had more important things to worry about and to think about. Are Helen and Gabe his official parents now? Or will they give him back since his stay isn't limited to Anne getting better? Is life worth living anymore?

He didn't know they made it to the police car until the door was opened and he was pushed inside. The back was covered with bars and for the first time that day Philip began to worry about what Helen and Gabe would think. Did Lukas tell them that he was with his mom? Did Lukas say Anne was dead? Or did he just tell them where they were and that they needed to get here soon? 

Philip covered his face with his hands and cried. It was silent. Tears filling his palms and mixing with his sweat. It was too hot to have a jacket on but Philip couldn't find the energy to remove it. Lukas' hands were also on him. They were burning into his skin but Philip didn't mind. If anything, he needed to be held. If he wasn't he may finally fall apart.

Life didn't feel real. It's an odd statement but everything around Philip seemed to be living, everything but him. It was like he was watching a movie in a theater. Everything playing out while he sat silently, pressed against the crappy theater seats, his eyes wide as he studied each character and wished he knew what they were thinking, what they were feeling. 

Gabe and Helen showed up but Philip didn't know when or how much time had passed in between. He was disconnected. He was moving on auto pilot as Gabe guided him towards Helens car. Lukas and Helen shoved his bike into the back of her car before slamming it shut. They were all silent when they climbed into the car, a country song playing softly on the radio. Philip didn't know the words but he had heard it before when Gabe played music early in the mornings.

The warmth radiating from Lukas was comforting and familiar. Philip pressed against him and Lukas didn't dare pull away. Instead he wrapped an arm around Philip and held him close, he held him so tight that Philip wouldn't be able to pull away. He didn't want to, though. If he was being honest he never wanted to pull away from Lukas. Lukas was barely home but he was the only home Philip had left at this point.

The air was tense and quiet. It was suffocating Philip. The silence was killing him. The only noise around them was the wind blowing past the car as they drove through the city.

Helen took a deep breath. "I'm glad you're safe." Philip knew it was a lie. "I was worried and so was Gabe." 

"We're sorry." Gabe mumbled. "But we're here and we love you more than anything. To us, you're our son, and if you need anything in this time.. just ask. We're here. And it'll be okay. We'll handle anything you need.."

It was the one time Philip wished Gabe would have stayed silent. They'll never be home. They'll never be family. They'll never replace Anne.

"We're gonna do anything we can for you. Okay?" Helen looked back at him. "I promise."

"And so do I." Gabe smiled in the mirror at him.

Philip only buried his face further into Lukas' chest. He didn't have the energy to tell them to stop talking and tell them they were making it worse. With the way they were talking it was making all of it more real. Philip didn't need any more reality.

Philip didn't know when he fell asleep but he was thankful. Every second he wasn't aware of his surroundings was a blessing. When he woke up he was still pressed tightly against Lukas' chest and Gabe was still driving while Helen was on her phone, her once harsh and loud voice was now hushed and soft. Philip pushed himself up and rubbed his eyes but Lukas never pulled away. He looked out the window and saw that they were off the highway and were surrounded by trees. They were close to the house. Philip closed his eyes and said a silent prayer that he would be able to go back home and sleep. He needed to hide. To have time to breathe. Everything was going wrong and he barely had time to process it let alone handle it.

Philip turned back to Lukas and rested his head on his shoulder, looking down at Lukas' hand that was resting on his lap. He reached down and held it, playing with his fingers. Lukas pressed another kiss to his head and it made Philip feel nervous. Lukas had just seen every part of him. Will he leave? 

Suddenly all the questions Philip had shoved down and hidden resurfaced and flowed around in his brain. He rubbed his face and tried his best not to focus on them. It was hard. It was like millions of little voices asking him questions he didn't want to know the answers to. The loudest one? Did his mom die because he ignored her calls?

The bumpy road only made Philips head pound more as they approached the home. He clung to Lukas, praying he didn't have to let him go. He feared that if he left go he would drown.

They pulled into the driveway and Philip froze, his eyes going wide and staying glued outside. On the front yard near the road stood Emma and Noah. Their faces lit up when they saw Philip but they weren't smiling. They only relaxed and nervously walked towards the car. It was easy to tell that they didn't know if it was okay or not. 

Philip pulled away from Lukas and ran around the car, nearly tackling Noah and Emma onto the ground. He held them tight and he could barely understand what they were saying but it was comforting knowing that they were there. Their voices filled his ears and it made Philip calm down to an extent. His shoulders relaxed and his neck fell to the side, laying against Noahs shoulder.

"Its okay." Noahs voice was heavenly. It made Philip want to burst into tears. "I'm here." He kissed Philips forehead. "You can yell or scream or cry. Whatever you need." 

Emma stroked Philips hair and it reminded him of Anne. He pushed the feelings and memories aside, unsure if he could cry ever again. "We love you and we haven't told anyone. We were just worried.." 

Philip didn't bother to wonder how they found out. He rather just bask in the warmth of Noah and Emma. 

Noah tightened his grip on Philip. "If you need me to spend the night I will. Or we could give you space. Anything you need."

Emma ran her hands down his back. "If you just wanna lay here for hours it's okay." She poked his side and earned a small smile from Philip. "Even if it means that both of our legs fall asleep."

"Yeah," Noah teased, a laugh in his voice. Philip smiled even wider at that. It wasn't a big smile, but it was there. "You're pretty heavy. I think I may die."

Philip nudged his arm. "Shut up." 

Noah glanced away before rubbing Philips arm. "I'll be right back." He stood up and walked over to Lukas who was pulling his bike out of the trunk of Helen's car. Philip watched him walk over before turning his attention back to Emma.

"How about we go watch a movie and cry our eyes out?" She smiled.

"I rather just watch a movie with a blank face." Philip whispered. "I need to be distracted."

Emma smiled even wider. She was beautiful. "Deal." She stood up and pulled Philip to his feet even though he was unwilling. She walked him into the house, her arms wrapped around his torso. The last thing he saw was Noah and Lukas talking. He prayed it didn't end bad. He couldn't handle anything else today.


	30. Chapter 30

Philip didn't sleep that night. He wished he could have. He wished that his body would make him sleep, leave him passed out in the middle of the night when his body couldn't carry on. Thats how his mind felt, like it couldn't carry on. Each time he closed his eyes be saw her. Pale. Bloody. Soaking wet. Dead. He cried. He stared. Ultimately he was left breathing, which was more painful than anything else.

Philip was alive. His mother wasn't. Call him immature or crazy, but he had never imagined his life without his mother. She had always been there. After every bad day and after every good day. She was always there to welcome him home with a warm smile and a hug. Anne never got mad at him. She never left him. And now she was gone. Overnight. 

Philip felt numb. His body was limp and his eyes were barely open. His chest slowly rose and fell as he breathed, each breath painful. He couldn't find the energy to move. He was barely existing. Dried tears covered his cheeks, his lips pressed together in a straight line. He might as well be dead, he already felt like he was.

Philip was defeated. Todd wasn't being punished. Anne was dead. He was stuck in this town full of people that will inevitably leave him. There was no point. He was in danger. He was alone. This had broken him. More than the feeling of callused, rough hands ever could. More than dirty words, laced with threats. More than a blade pressed to his skin or the harsh words spat at him. He was done.

The sunlight moved across his room as the sun began to rise in yhe sky. Cars drove up and down the street anf footsteps echoed throughout the house as Helen and Gabe woke up. The wind blew outside and tree limbs scratched against the side of the house and tapped against the window.

Philip rolled onto his side, wrapping his arms around a pillow, pressing his face against it. He didn't know what time it was and he didn't care. He wasn't going to go see his mothers dead body. Just thinking about holding her made him feel sick. How would he be able to handle this? Seeing her dead and cut open, as if she didn't die from the slits in her arms. And after looking he would have to look people in the eye and say it was his mom. That would make it real. Official. It would go into documents and people would begin planning the funeral.  

Philip clenched his jaw and rolled onto his back, his arms and legs going limp, his head sinking into a pillow. He hated this reality. How would he be able to live with the new reality? The reality where his mom was dead and being sent six feet under. His stomach began to tie itself in knots and Philip had to close his eyes and remember to breathe.

He watched his ceiling, breathing slowly. Philip wondered if he could die from heartbreak. He hoped he could. The idea of getting up and taking pills is exhausting for him. Philip pressed back against his bed and slowly closed his eyes, listening to the noises inside and outside of the house. Each floorboard that groaned underneath shifting weight. Each crunch of gravel underneath a tire. It was suddenly all amplified, like his feelings.

Philip slowly rose his hands and looked at them, twisting his wrists and wiggling his fingers. Twelve hours ago they were dripping with his mothers blood. He glanced across the room at the heap of dirty clothes, his shirt from yesterday laying on top of it. Blood was spread across the front and sides of it. Not just any blood. His mothers blood. Philip wished it was his. It was his fault. He was busy screwing around with a boy who didn't give a shit about him. 

Philip began to swallow at the lump in his throat. He was laughing and kissing while his mother fell apart. Philip was happy while his mom was miles away, slowly dying. In a way, her suicide felt like a punishment. Philip shouldn't have enjoyed that party. He shouldn't have enjoyed kissing pretty boys and drinking until he was numb. He deserved this ache. He deserved to be forced back into reality in the most harsh way imaginable.

Helen and Gabe were talking in the other room. Philip winced at the sound. They were arguing, the same way they argued the entire time he was around. Philip not only took his mothers life but he also ruined a marriage that had been doing just fine. 

Things were slamming now. Philip had to close his eyes and dig his nails into the skin of his palms. He was safe. Todd wasn't here. Helen was slamming things around, not him. Philip began to gasp for air, his nails sinking deeper into his skin. His eyes pricked with tears. Philip tried to slow is breathing, taking a break every few seconds instead of every second, but it didn't work.

Philip rolled onto his side and closed his eyes, whimpering into the pillow he was gripping. Images flashed through his mind. Loud voices. Rough hands. Things being thrown and breaking as they hit the walls. Insults ringing through the air. Bodies being slammed around. He curled up against himself and began to shake, sobs rippling out of him.

Todd wasn't here. He couldn't be here. It was illegal. He didn't know where Philip was. But it feels so real. The voices. The touching. The breaking. It all feels so real. No, Todd can't hurt him now. Todd is far away. Todd is in the city. 

The memories imbeded in Philips mind flooded his memory. The touching. The kissing. The sweet words laced with dirt and sin. The threats. The shoves. The screams.  The sobs. 

Philip felt sick. He wiped his eyes and shot up from his bed, climbing out. With stumbling legs he gripped the walls and wondered towards the bathroom. Small gasps escaped his lips and more and more tears fell, the memories falling blurry in his mind, the noises only getting louder. Dropping to his knees, Philip bit back a whimper and gripped the sides of the toilet. He hovered over it, gagging and coughing. His stomach was empty but his body was still jerking around between sobs and gags. 

Philip wiped his mouth and pushed himself back against the wall, pressing his head against it. He struggled to breath, slamming his hands down against the floor. The memories were vivid again and Philip had to force his eyes open so he didn't have to see it again. He could still feel the hands, gripping, pulling, hitting.  

Touching.

Philip gasped and looked up at Gabe with wide eyes. He followed Gabes shoulders to his arms and down his arms, looking at his hands. Gabe was touching him. 

Gabe.

The name echoed throughout his mind, replacing the voices that broke him down to begin with. Slowly, Philip moved to wrap his arms around him. He pressed his face to his shoulder and began to cry. Except his cries weren't for fear anymore, instead, they were cries for help. His uneven nails caught on Gabes sweater as Philip gripped him tight.

Gabe wrapped his arms around Philip, lifting him away from the wall and off of the floor. He held Philip as if he was a child and it only made Philip cry harder. Philip tightened his grip on Gabe to the point where it probably hurt, but if it did, Gabe didn't say a word. He carried Philip back to his room, slowly resting him in the bed. 

Philip laid still, his body sinking into the mattress. Gabe stepped to his closet and pulled out a new shirt and some sweat pants, laying them across the bottom of the bed. He walked back up to Philip and smiled warmly down at him. He slipped his fingers through Philips hair, before pressing his fingers to Philips forehead. 

"You're safe." Gabe spoke calmly. "No one can hurt you." He reached out and touched Philips arm. "I know it hurts now, but I am here. I will do anything in my power to make sure that you live a long life with problems that seem pathetic and small to the ones you're facing now." He smiled.

Philip smiled back. Weak. Small. He pushed against Gabes touch, tears sliding down his red cheeks.

"You will be okay. I will make sure of it." Gabe wiped away Philips tears and Philip began to cry more.

Gabe was the first touch that he trusted. Despite Emma, Noah, Lukas, and all of the others being kind and gentle, Philip had been fearful. The touches he always felt were sick and sexual and filled with wrong intentions. But Gabes, his touches weren't filled with a sickening lust, his touches were filled with overwhelming love. And for a moment, for just one moment, Philip could believe he would be okay.

Gabe leaned down and pressed a kiss to Philips forehead. "We are leaving at eleven. Right now its around nine thirty." He blinked slowly, looking away from Philip for the first time. "But I can go without you. I know what she looks like. I-" He took a deep breath. "I know its her."

Philip felt his stomach begin to twist. He closed his eyes, gripping Gabes arm. It hurt so bad, almost as bad as his chest. "What about Helen?" He asked, his voice coming out a whisper unintentionally. 

"I don't.." Gabe pulled away from Philip and rubbed the back of his neck. "I couldn't get her to come. She says the town needs her and that it can't be left to all of the young officers." Gabe dropped his arm to his side once more. "It is not your fault. It is nothing against you." Gabe leaned down again. "She has a.. a hard time with dead bodies and things." He whispered.

Philip nodded. He wouldn't dare tell Gabe that he was happy about Helen not coming. He was as happy as he could be, anyway. "I get it." Philip muttered. "I don't blame her.. that stuff his hard." His throat felt raw from all of the sobs. It burned as he spoke.

Gabe patted his arm. "I'm making breakfast and I don't know if you're hungry or want to eat, but its pancakes." He stood up from his bed and walked to the door. He turned around and smiled. "She loves you. Don't forget that."

Philip stared at him before nodding. He relaxed once his door closed. His mom did love him. He never doubted it. She believed dying would make it all easier on him. What made him feel bad was the fact that it was his fault. All of it. Telling the police. Going to the party. His breakdowns All of them added up to make her do this. 

Philip was angry. He didn't want to be and in a way he really wasn't, but his mom killed herself. After being ripped from his home and forced into this town where he knew no one and nothing. After telling the police and going to countless court dates and never being believed. She killed herself. She left him. And it pissed him off. She added onto it. Onto the guilt. The fear. The loneliness. The anger. Everything. 

Warm tears filled his eyes and trickled  down his face once more. He didn't know if they were because of his anger, his fear, or his guilt. He couldn't stop them, but he hardly tried to. Trying was useless at this point. Nothing will get better. Nothing. His family was gone. His home was gone. And now everyone was expecting him to move on. 

Philip looked blankly at the ceiling, studying the small cracks in the paint. Focusing on those was better than remembering his mom abandoned him when things got hard. He never left her and he never would have. Philip slammed his balled fists into his mattress, over and over, grunting with each swing.

Why? Why him? Why her? Why this life? What did he do to deserve this? Why not someone else? Why did all of this have to happen again? 

Philip took a deep breath, his arms shaking. He wanted to scream. He wanted to beat the walls until his knuckles bled. He wanted to bite his tongue until it filled his mouth with blood. Philip wanted to feel anything other than what he was feeling. 

He slowly sat up, planting his hands on either side of himself. His body was still trembling. He felt sick again, but he wasn't going to rush to the bathroom. Nothing would happen. His feet touched the cool floor and it only made his body shake harder. Why was he suddenly so cold? Philip stood up, focusing on keeping himself upright and balanced.

Walking towards the wall was harder than it should have been, but Philip finally made it. The corner where two walls met was empty, unlike the other three. It was dark, the shadow of his body falling across the poorly painted walls.

His fists were shaking as he brought them up to his chest. The first slam hurt, if he was being honest. It burned and his hand cracked against the wood, but he wasn't going to stop. Again. And again. And again. He slammed his fists into the wall, his knuckles cracking underneath the wood, his palms sweaty. His eyes never left where he was punching. The paint began to chip away and his ears began to ring. Blood smeared across the baby blue paint. Philip liked it.

Pain. Pain pumped through his veins and his heart raced. His head was throbbing and the hot tears dried to his cheeks. 

Arms wrapped around him and jerked him away from the wall. Philip squirmed in their hold, slapping at the arms around him.

Faintly, he could hear his name being called. "Philip."

"Get off me!" Philip screamed, shoving at his chest. "Get off of me! Let go!" 

"And let you keep beating that fucking wall?" The voice snapped. It wasn't Gabe. "No! I will not let you go!" 

"L-Lukas.." Philip panted, his body falling limp in Lukas' arms. "Let go."

"Are you calm?" He asked, tightening his grip around Philip. "Or are you gonna punch the wall again?"

Philip broke free from his hold, whipping around. "What the fuck?!" 

"Oh?" Lukas laughed. "I am so sorry for stopping your self destructive behavior. I am just the worst, aren't I?" 

Philip stepped towards him, his hands slamming into Lukas' chest. "Why are you here?"

Lukas rolled his eyes, unfazed by Philips hits. "You have to be kidding me."

"You think I'll be easy now?!" 

"You don't know what you're saying!" 

"You think cuz you called 911 and took me to my mom I'll be all over you." Philip grabbed at his arms. "Oh! Lukas! Thank you so much for being a decent human being! Happy?" 

"Christ." Lukas snorted. "I'm not here for an ego boost. If I was I would have went to Rose or some shit."

"You mean the one that you're cheating on?" Philip scoffed. "Romantic."

"Cheated." Lukas replied. "I ended it."

"Is that supposed to get me to want you?" Philip punched his chest. 

"What makes you think I came here to fuck you? I don't want that shit."

He punched again. "Then what do you want?"

"To be there for you! But you are being so damn difficult I don't know if I want to!" Lukas grabbed Philips wrists and held them together. "Stop it!" 

Philip stared at him, his chest puffed up, his eyes narrow. He jerked away from Lukas' hold for the second time that morning and backed away. He walked towards the bed, rubbing his knuckles with his thumbs.

"Let me get Gabe." Lukas mumbled. "He can clean those. Or I can. But I think you're more likely to deck me than him."

Philip flipped him off, climbing onto the bed, leaning back against the bed frame. He crossed his arms over his chest, starintg down at his lap. "You're a dick."

"I know." Lukas replied. "I'm the worst. You don't want me here." 

"So, you aren't stupid?" Philip muttered. "Just stubborn."

Lukas slapped his leg as he walked towards the door to Philips room. "Its what you do for people you care about. Unfortunately, I care about you."

"How fucking inconvenient?" Philip hissed.

"I know. Truly." Lukas smiled. It made Philip want to punch him again. "Now try and calm down before I come back. I'm not in the mood to be hit again when I'm being a decent human being."

"Your bar for decent is set really low."

Lukas sighed. "You don't mean that."

"Mhm." Philip looked away from Lukas. He didn't mean it, but he wasn't going to let Lukas win all of this. "Just go get the shit."

"Ah." Lukas chuckled. "You admit it. You need my help."

"I'm gonna kill you."

Lukas stepped out of the room, his footsteps getting quieter. Philip continued to study his legs before looking at the clothes he was supposed to change into. He looked disgusting. A small part of him cared. What would Lukas think? Then again, Lukas already saw Philip at his lowest, if he still chose to come around, he probably isn't disgusted.

Lukas walked back into his room, a bottle of cleaner in one hand, cotton balls and bandaids in the other. "You done fighting me?" 

Philip nodded, crossing his legs so Lukas had a place to sit. Lukas sat down in front of Philip, setting the stuff he was holding next to him. 

"Put one hand on my knee." Lukas mumbled, picking up the bottle and pulling the cap off.

Philip did as told, gently setting his hand on Lukas' knee.

Lukas smiled to himself, pouring the cleaner on a cotton ball. "Wow. He can be gentle."

Philip ducked down and pressed his forehead to his shoulder, taking in his scent. "Shut up."

Lukas kissed his temple. "This will sting. Feel free to punch me again." He laughed, resting his head on Philips as he dabbed the cotton ball across the several cuts that covered Philips knuckles.

Philip gasped, wincing. "Shit." He mumbled, pressing closer to Lukas. 

"Maybe this will teach you not to run around and punch walls." Lukas continued to clean Philips cuts. "It'll be over in a seco-"

"You won't be able to fix me." Philip breathed out. Pain didn't feel so good now that he was calm, now that the high was gone.

"What?"

"Loving me. Being with me. It won't just fix me." He explained. "I'll always be this way. Love won't take it away." He felt his face heating. "If it even is lov-"

"I'm not loving you to fix you." Lukas unwrapped a bandaid and laid it across the cuts before getting another bandaid and doing the same. "I'm not loving you because I want to, either. I just do. It happened."

"Oh, yeah?" Philip smiled. "You must be the king of romance. Huh?" 

"Shut it." Lukas replied, patting Philips hand, gently. "Give me the other."

"I can't believe Lukas Waldenbeck has a heart. It is truly shocking." His smile grew. It felt out of place. "I need to alert the media!" 

"You're a dick." Lukas grumbled. "I don't know why I love you." 

Philip placed his other hand on Lukas' lap. "You gotta know one reason?" 

"Mhm." Lukas replied, getting another cotton ball wet with cleaner. "But I do not have to tell you."

"You will.." Philip winced as Lukas cleaned the cuts. "Eventually."

"I like your hair. Happy?"

"You're shallow."

"You're surprised?" Lukas laughed, ducking down and kissing Philip. "I'm the most shallow man alive."

Philip rolled his eyes. "If I shaved my head would you still be into me?"

"Mhm." Lukas looked down at him. "You're really loving this attention."

"A lady that tried to give me therapy said my abuse turned me into an attention seeker." Philip blushed again. "Long story short, you're validating me and I like it."

"And you said I was the king of romance?" Lukas placed bandaids over the cuts. "You got me beat." 

Philip pulled away and punched his arm. "Dick."

"Asshole." Lukas grinned, pecking hus lips.

For a moment everything waa okay. 

"But I'm an asshole with nice hair." Philip laughed. 

One moment.

A knock rattled Philips door. The knob turned and Gabe stepped inside.

Moments end.

"Its.. time to go.." Gabe cleared his throat. Philip wondered if Gabe was scared of him. Not in the violent way. In the way that hes worried Philip would hurt himself, maybe even kill, and it would be his fault. "I'll be in the car waiting." He glanced at Lukas. "You can join us. For moral support." 

This moment ended.

The door closed and Philip looked down. His life wasn't filled with love. It wasn't perfect or happy. He didn't have an amazing boyfriend and a family that would do anything for him. He had this. A dead mom. One foster parent that loves him. And a boy who can barely handle his own stuff, let alone Philips.

"Are you okay with me going?" Lukas asked. 

"Do you want to?" 

"No one wants to. But.. I care about you."

"Then go."

"Philip." Lukas sounded like he was begging. "I want to do what will make you happy. I don't want to go if you'll get upset having me there."

Philip decided not to tell Lukas he would be upset with him there or not. "I want you to come." He climbed off of the bed and looked back at him. "Close your eyes."

"Why?"

"I'm changing." He muttered, lifting up the clothes. "And I don't want you seeing me." If he sees me he could see the scars. Maybe even the hand prints that were rough enough to leave bruises for days.

Lukas turned his back to Philip, silently.

"No snarky remark?"

"I'm not that big of an asshole." Lukas sighed. "I know I've had my moments but I'm not gonna sit here and.. and do stuff you don't want me to do. I know I've fucked up but.. I'm trying. Okay?" 

Philip looked down at the shirt in his hands. "You.. you can look. But no.. comments about the scars."

Lukas took a shaky breath. Philip could hear it. "Are you sure?" Silence. "I mean, we've made jokes about you being in a bad place and needing love and being delicate but.. I don't want to.. use that against yo-"

"Lukas." Philip mumbled. "I.. I trust you." He smiled once Lukas turned around. "Plus, I can kick your ass if you try anything."

Lukas mimicked Philips smile. "True."

Philip looked down at his body before grabbing the ends of his shirt and tugging them up and over his torso. Gabe touched him kindly. Lukas wants to. Lukas isn't Todd. He loves Philip. He wouldn't hurt him, not on purpose. He dropped the shirt to the ground, gripping the end of his bed to keep himself standing up. 

"You're.." Lukas watched Philips reaction to make sure he could speak. "Beautiful.. like.. like paintings and stuff."

Philip glanced up at him. "You don't think its.." 

"Bad?" Lukas asked. "No."

Philip smiled weakly. He pulled his new shirt over his head, grabbing the waistband of his sweats and slipping them off. He could feel Lukas' eyes on him, but they didn't burn like Todds did. They were warm. Gentle. He felt good beneath his stare. He pulled on the new pair of sweat pants and took a few deep breaths. He needed to put his walls up again. Shitty jokes and fake insults. He couldn't be delicate. Not now.

"Strip show is over." Philip muttered, grabbing a pair of tennis shoes and pulling them on.

"You really.." Lukas seemed choked up. "I.. I really.." He rubbed his face. "I think you are really handsome. Alright?"

"Okay." Philip mumbled, pushing himself to his feet. He was silent for a moment. "Thank you.. Lukas." He leaned down and kissed his cheek. "I think.. you're handsome and stuff, too."

"Thank you." Lukas stood up, taking Philips hand in his own, kissing his bandaid clad knuckles. "You ready?"

"No." Philip swallowed. "But I can't put it off forever. Ya know?"

"Well.." Lukas squeezed his hand. "I'm.. here. Even though my compliments are awkward and shitty."

"I'm fucked up from a million different things. You not hurting me is a compliment." Philip stopped. "In my mind."

"If I hurt you.. tell me." Lukas stared at him. He was serious. Philip could tell. "I don't want to hurt you.. and I wanna like.. make sure.. your standards go from basic human decency to.. actual standards."

Philip kissed him, gently. "We can talk about this another time." Philip didn't know what "this" was. "One problem at a time. Alright?"

Lukas nodded. "Yeah.. okay."


	31. Chapter 31

The car was small. Gabe in the front with a backpack in the passenger seat. Inside of the backpack was a few packages of tissues, some pain medicine, some snacks and some water bottles. He wouldn't tell Philip what was in it, he said it was his "Magic Dad Bag" and that he didn't need to know. Philip just had Lukas sneak a peek inside. There were papers in the bag, too. Legal papers that explained all of Philips court cases and restraining orders, along with papers that explained why he was in the foster home.   

The thought of being in a foster home made Philips stomach drop. He wasn't just going home anymore. He didn't have days to count down or court dates. Not with his mother. The next time Philip would be going home, he would not be staying. He would be packing up his things and a few of his mom's things. He would be telling people what to donate and sell. Instead of making himself at home, he would have to pick it apart and separate it, the same way the court picked apart and separated his mother and him. Philip took a deep breath and rubbed at his eyes. He was not crying again.

Lukas seemed out of place in the car, it was comforting, Philip felt the same way. He was sitting with his legs spread open, his phone in his hand as he scrolled through Instagram. Lukas wouldn't look out the window, probably because he lived here. Philip never looked out the window when he lived in the city. Now that it was being taken from him he regretted it. He regretted not admiring and studying each and every sky scraper and building.  

"Sydney will be meeting us there." Gabe said once he turned down the radio. "She doesn't have to be there but she said she wanted to give you any support she could." He smiled at Philip through the mirror. "She said on the phone that she loves you a lot and misses you." Gabe was trying hard, really, really hard, but Philip appreciated it. Gabe wanted to cheer him up and remind him he was loved and although it wasn't working it was sweet. Without Helen around he didn't feel like Gabes project, like a broken toy he wants to fix. He felt loved.  

"I'm glad. We ended on sort of a bad note the last time I saw her." Philip was played with his fingers in his lap. Folding them together and unfolding them, tracing the veins on his hands and picking at the skin around his nails. The last time he was with Sydney he was angry and he hated every minute of it. Being angry was something Philip would never get to feel guilt free. Whenever he was angry he felt like Todd. "I'm glad she doesn't hate me." He sighed, looking out the window.  

"She could never hate you. You're one of her favorite cases. I mean, not case but part of a case. I'm not good at talking about all that stuff..." Gabe sighed, mentally waving a white flag declaring a truce. A truce meaning him finally shutting up. "I'll just stop talking and play some music. Feel free to kick your legs up and get comfortable. It'll be a long ride." He smiled, leaning forward and turning the knob, the base of the song playing making the car shake. 

Lukas looked at Philip for a few seconds, biting his lip. Slowly, his hand reached out and took Philips, intertwining their fingers. For the first time in the car ride, Lukas shifted away from where he was sitting by the window to get closer to Philip. He pulled his hand away, settling in the middle seat. He wrapped an arm around Philip and pulled him into his side, kissing his forehead. Lukas put one of his legs over Philips, pressing his chin to the top of Philips head.

Philip smiled against his chest and moved up so his face was pressed to the crook of Lukas' neck. He tangled their legs together and pressed a kiss to his collar, closing his eyes. Lukas smelled like heavy cologne and sweat, which wasn't really nice, but it was Lukas. And Lukas felt safe. As far as Philip was concerned, he wouldn't want it any other way. That's what his home smelled like and he wasn't in the mood to change anything else.  

Sometime, between the city and Tivoli, Philip had fallen asleep. When he woke up, the car was switching lanes towards an exit ramp and he was still pressed against Lukas' chest. Above him, Lukas was scrolling through his phone, texting people about why he wasn't making their plans for the day. Lukas had been an asshole. A confusing and mildly selfish asshole. Philip would have to remind him of that for a while, but Philip had also been confusing and very selfish, so he barely has no room to speak.  

They had treated each other pretty bad over the last few months. Fights. Insults. Jabs that were only made to upset the other. They tore each other apart, but it was different now. Everything had changed. Philip was staying and he wasn't with Noah anymore. Lukas was choosing Philip over plans and he wasn't with Rose anymore. They were both trying to make it better, in small efforts and big ones. Philip was glad they had each other. The people they were with deserved so much better. And Lukas and Philip? They deserved each other now. 

They both knew what it was like to lose someone. Lukas lost his mom at a young age and Philip lost his own mom just yesterday. Philip was sexually abused, bruises and sickness being left all over his body. Lukas was physically abused, cuts from glass and shame being left all over his body. Both of them knew what it was like to blame themselves but also blame the world. They understood how messy and painful it can be, a thing no one else can really relate to other than them. They had each other, scars and all.  

Still, Philip wished they had never felt these things. The loneliness. The pain. The shame. The guilt. All the things that come with abuse all wrapped up in one. He was glad he wasn't alone, that someone else could relate to his pain, but Lukas was undeserving of that feeling. Lukas had made shitty choices and done even shittier things, but in no way did he deserve the things that have happened to him. Philip wondered if Lukas would say the same about him. 

The exit ramp lead towards big buildings with people in suits running in and out of them. It was weird seeing the city during the day, nowhere near his house or old school. Sometimes he would forget how big the city really was. He never forgot how small he was compared to everything else. He pulled away from Lukas, stretching his arms above his head and sighing. Philip was thankful for the sleep he was able to get. Sleep meant not being awake. Not being awake meant not feeling. And not feeling sounded like the best thing ever. 

"You're finally awake." Lukas mumbled, moving away. Philip missed his closeness within seconds, but if Lukas really did love him they would be close a million more times after this. "Gabe said we're about twenty minutes away and that if you need to get out and breathe or do something you can. He even Googled breathing tips for people dealing with mass amounts of anxiety."

Philip was glad the music was so loud Gabe couldn't hear them making fun of him. "That's sweet, but I think I'll be fine. I handled it yesterday." Being fine was something Philip would have to learn how to be. With practice and force, he would have to learn how to carry on. Unless he didn't want to carry on anymore. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind. Doing that would be stupid. Either way, he couldn't tell people how bad he was.

Th building they went to to identify the body was sad looking. A tan layer of paint covered all of the red bricks that built the building. It had two stories then a deep basement that's windows were covered in bars. That's where the bodies were. Green bushes beginning to bloom lined the deck that lead to the front door, along with a ramp and a set of four stairs. On the deck sat two chairs and a table. In one of the chairs sat Sydney, the other sat her purse. 

"Are you ready?" Gabe asked, shutting off the car. He pulled his key out and stuffed it into his pocket. "You can still wait in here. I can go. Sydney can, too." He pulled his seat belt off and turned around, smiling at Philip. "It's okay. You get the choice." He put his hand on Philips knee.

Philip jerked his leg away, slamming himself into the door. He took quick uneven breaths and stared at Gabe wide eyed. "S-sorry... I'm just... I can go in, okay?" He grabbed the door and pulled the handle open, pushing it open. He climbed out and fixed his shirt, looking over at Sydney. He smiled at her, praying she didn't see the way he just snapped at Gabe. He knew Gabe wouldn't hurt him but whenever people touch him there it reminds him of Todd.

It happens a lot. With small touches and big touches. Philip was afraid to even try to have sex because the person's touch may remind him of it all. If looking in the mirror can launch him into a panic attack, what will being naked and touched make him do? Philip hated himself for being reminded of Todd so easily. Gabe was comforting him and instead of accepting it and thanking him, he jerked away and acted like Gabe tried to hurt him. 

"Philip..." Sydney's voice was calm. Sad. "Hey..." She smiled. It was a sad smile. Everything seemed to be sad around Philip. "I missed you." She wrapped her arms around Philip, pulling him onto her chest. She ran her fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head. "I am so proud of you. You you are doing so good... god." She pulled away and wiped her eyes. "I'm crying, wow... I shouldn't be crying." 

Philip wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek, taking a deep breath. Tears slid down his cheeks and dripped onto her shirt, leaving small wet drops on it. Sydney was the closest thing Philip had to a mom. "I miss her..." He whispered. "I miss her and I'm scared and I don't know what to do and I just-" He shook his head, sighing. "I just don't know what to do."

"You don't have to know." Sydney cupped his cheeks and smiled down at him. "We can figure it out together, okay?" She looked past Philip, biting her lip. "Hello, Gabe." She waved at him, rubbing Philips cheek with her thumb. She pulled away and stepped around Philip, extending her hand. "I've never properly introduced myself." She smiled. "I'm Sydney, I'm here for Philip in every way I can be... and that's about it."

Lukas looked up at her, biting his lip. "Hey... I'm Lukas." He whispered. He shook her hand before dropping his hand down to his side. "I um... I'm his-" He looked at Philip, swallowing the lump in his throat. "Boyfriend. I'm his boyfriend." He repeated, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. "And I'm here to....ya know... support him." 

Philip was blushing, looking down at his shoes. Lukas just said they were boyfriends. After weeks and weeks of panicking and fighting Lukas just effortlessly said they were together. For a moment everything felt like it was going to be okay. Philip felt like a real teenager, with butterflies in his stomach and weak knees. He hoped he could get this feeling again. 

Sydney's smile widened. "That's sweet, I'm sure he can use all the support he can get." She clapped her hands together, looking between the three men. "I'm guessing we should get going. I already signed us in so we just need to walk downstairs and... do it." She took Philips hand in her own, intertwining their fingers. "If you need to stop and come back out here at any time, tell me, okay?" 

Philip squeezed her hand, nodding. "Okay." He walked up the stairs with her, looking at the walls. They were painted a light purple color with different framed paintings hanging all over the walls. An old man sat behind the desk, typing on a computer that seemed to be too old to work. On each of the tables sat wilting flowers of all different colors. 

Inside the building was cold. The stairway was barely lit as they walked down, Gabe going first, then Lukas, then Philip and Sydney. There was a thin layer of glass that separated the room filled with bodies and tables and all sorts of different tools they used to cut open the bodies and examine. A man stood in there wearing a white lab coat. Next to him stood a man in jeans and a sweatshirt, his back facing the window. They were hovering over a body. Philip shivered. 

"They should have our body ready. It will be easy. In and out." Sydney stared through the glass. "But you still don't have to go in. You can choose to leave once we go in. This is all your choice-"

"It's not." Philip spoke. "If it was my choice she would still be alive and we would be happy. But it's not." He pushed the door open and walked inside, walking around each of the tables. The footsteps behind him signaled that Sydney, Gabe, and Lukas were following behind him. It felt good to be in charge of something, even if he was only in charge of his sadness.

"We're here for Anne Shea." Sydney took Philips hand in hers, stepping closer to the man in the lab coat. She squeezed his hand, frowning when he pulled away. She backed away some to make sure she gave him all the space he needed. Sydney couldn't even imagine what Philip was feeling. She didn't need to make it worse. 

The man smiled, nodding. "Thank you, but we already have someone here. If you want to see her you can but as for identification-" The man shrugged, pointing at the man beside Philip. "We got that taken care of." 

Philip pushed past the doctor and stood on the other side of the table, looking down at Anne. Her hair was spread out around her head, her skin pale and lips blue. His hand was shaking as he reached out and brushed some of the hair behind her ear. She was dead. She had been dead when Philip touched her. The last time Philip will ever see his mom was when she was bleeding out and dead in her bathroom. Not when she smiled at him or kissed him goodbye. But when she was bleeding and cold. Next to her body laid a few different tools. A scalpel, scissors, a pair of pliers, along with tools Philip didn't notice.

 

"So..." The man in front of him began to speak. It send chills down his spine. "You're just gonna ignore me like that? You lost your mom, but I lost your mom, too. Maybe we can help each other out here."

Todd.

Philip looked up to see the man who had torn his life apart. Black hair slicked back with sweat. A sweatshirt too big for him that hung over his body. His jeans that were baggy and loose being held up with a worn out leather belt. The same belt he used to beat Philip. 

"You just gonna stare at me? Not even tell me you miss me?" Todd smiled at him, lips curling over disgusting, yellow teeth. "I've missed you. I'm sure you've missed me, too. You don't need to say it." Todd reached out and cupped his cheek, rubbing his thumb across it. 

Philip was shaking, his nails digging into the metal table. He stared at Todd, never looking away. "You disgusting son of a bitch." Philip growled. He grabbed the scalpel, going to stab him in the arm, but the man in the lab coat stopped him. He took his arm and pried the scalpel from Philips grip.

"Todd..." Sydney was calm. "You need to leave. Philip has a restraining order on you that says if you come within 100 feet of him you will be arrested. Police are already on their way. I called." She stepped towards him. "Don't do anything else you'll regret. It's already going to be hard as hell on you when the cops arrive." 

"I think you're all just being dramatic. I never hurt Philip. I loved him. I do love him. He belongs at home with me not with some country hicks." Todd waved off Sydney when she began speaking again, rolling his eyes. "Philip-" He pushed past Sydney. "You know I did everything I did with love. I cared about you, I still do. And you love me, too. I'm the only one who loves you. These people... they're paid to car-" 

Philip shoved the man out of his way, punching Todd hard in the jaw. Todd stumbled into a table, grabbing onto it. "I never loved you!" Philip screamed, punching him in the ribs. "You ruined me! You made me hate me when I should hate you!" He punched him in the head, knocking him to the floor. "You don't love me! I'm not special! I hate you!" Punch. "I hate you!" Punch. "I hate you!" 

Todd was bleeding beneath him, smiling up at Philip the way he always did. That was the frustrating thing about Todd. He never came to any court dates. He always told Philip he was crazy or insane or lying. He never admitted that he was abusive or even messed up. It's like no matter what Philip said or did, Todd still thought Philip adored him. In his mind, Todd was perfect. Everyone else deserved what he did to them. He never messed up or made mistakes. If he hurt someone it was their fault. 

"He's down here!" Gabe yelled to the police charging into the room. In the corner stood the man in the lab coat, behind him stood Sydney and the person holding him was Lukas. "I'll stay down here. You get the boys upstairs and focus on calming Philip down." 

Walking up the stairs was hard. Philip was shaking, tears blurring his vision. He was so angry. Todd would never admit it. Never just say he messed up or admit he was a pedophile and an abuser. That killed Philip. There was no proof, at least no proof that could be used. Philip was broken because of him, but they was dismissed a million times. The police may even take Philip to jail and say he assaulted Todd. The man who tried to rape him. The man who beat him and insulted him. The man who touched him all over when he was just a child. The man who broke him in every way possible. 

It was cool ourside and the air rushed into Philips lungs so fast that he felt dizzy. Sydney and Lukas set him down on the front porch, rubbing Philips hair. They sat in the two chairs while Sydney stood over them, pacing back and forth. 

"Your reaction was valid." She said as she walked. "He was taunting you. He knew what he was doing and he wanted a reaction and just because you gave it to him doesn't mean that he won. We won. He's far away from you-"

"He's thirty feet away. How did he find out? No one called him. Unless it was the ambulance people or something. Helen and Gabe didn't. I didn't. Lukas didn't. This means he either stalked me or my mom. Or both. He's smart, Sydney, do not underestimate him." Philip mumbled, picking at the skin around his nails. "I just need to accept that I won't be safe. He's going to find me and hurt me no matter what. I need to give up."

"No." Sydney replied. "You don't. You're going to keep fighting and fighting and fighting. Todd will lose. I don't care how long it takes or what it takes because this man is disgusting and he needs to be punished. I will not stop, oka-" Gabe peeked his head out the front door and gestured for Sydney to walk in. "I'll be right back, okay?" She walked inside and closed the door behind her. 

"You'll be safe." Lukas mumbled, putting his hand over Philips. "Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but you will be." He smiled at Philip, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles. "I mean, look at the way you beat him, you can honestly beat anyone's ass. You're just a little thing full of rage." 

Philip smiled. It was barely there and it seemed kind of forced but it was there. "Yeah, I got a lot to be mad about." He looked back at the front door. "He's an asshole. He's probably trying to get them to press charges on me for assault while he's out here being a pedophile and a abuser." He shook his head. "I don't even know why I told."

"I don't either, but that's just how it is." Lukas shrugged, looking at Philip. "And she's right. You need to keep going. At least live to see the day he dies or something." Lukas wasn't kidding when he said he was bad at talking. But he was trying and he was doing most of the talking so Philip was thankful.

Philip looked down at his lap, bouncing his leg. "I wanted to kill him. In that room. When he lived with us. Almost every day. I want to kill him." He sighed, shaking his head. "I don't want to talk about this any more." Philip was good at that. Not talking about the things that were important. The things that tore him up inside. He was afraid of himself. Afraid of being like Todd, being worse than Todd. 

"Okay..." Lukas mumbled. He stood up when the front door open and two policemen walked out. In handcuffs in between them was Todd, dried blood smeared across his face. He smiled at Philip and for a minute Lukas knew how it felt to want to kill someone. To really want to kill someone. 

"Boys-" Gabe called. "I need to talk to Sydney about some things so if you want to go get in the car and wait, you can." He handed the keys to Philip before stepping back into the building.

Philip gripped the keys and walked to the car, biting his lip. He was happy they were leaving but then again he wasn't. He regretted coming. Going home meant seeing Helen and Gabe was going to tell her what he did and she was going to hate him more. It felt like he could never escape the hate. Todd hated him. Helen hated him. No matter where he went he was hated. Philip wanted to run away. But he also wanted to die. Both options sounded good. Both meant these things could finally end.

The car wasn't as small as it seemed earlier. Lukas sat in the middle once more, his arms and legs tangled with Philips. Philip was tucked into his chest, syncing up his breathing with the rise and fall of Lukas' chest. For the second time that day, Philip fell asleep, and he didn't wake up until the next day.


	32. Chapter 32

It was almost nine in the morning when Philips phone began to ring. It buzzed loudly against his wooden table causing him to grown and roll over. His head was pounding from all of the crying and lack of sleep from the night before. Philip had woken himself up crying and tossed and turned the entire night. It was a restless sleep, a slumber filled with a mix of flashbacks and fears running through his head. Philip never really had much luck sleeping, thankfully, this phone call gave him a reason to be awake and stay that way. Philip reached towards his nightstand, patting his hand against the wood over and over until his fingers brushed against his phone. He picked it  and didn't bother reading the number. 

"Hello?" Philip pulled the blankets around his body, pulling his knees to his chest and tucking his chin between them. The call was filled with static as if the person he was talking to was driving through s tunnel, a very long tunnel. Philip rubbed the blur from his eyes and looked around his room, checking to make sure everything was the same. Todd never let him have privacy. He had to know all of Philips passwords and the doors were never allowed to be shut. He went through his backpack and room on a daily basis and even went through his trash to make sure he wasn't hiding anything. Sometimes Philip wondered if Todd could get any more insane. The answer was always yes, and Philip figured it would stay that way until the day he dies. "Hello?" 

"Did you sleep good?" It was Lukas. He was whispering which meant his dad must be home and close. But why was Lukas calling this early? He could have just texted Philip or even driven over since they were officially boyfriends. They still hadn't talked about it. Was Lukas just saying it in the spur of the moment? Did he really want to date Philip? Was Philip even ready for that kind of thing after losing his mom? After losing almost everything.  

"Yeah, why?" It wasn't very rude to ask. They were just now starting to do all of the sweet things. The couple things. The idea that Lukas was calling him just to be a sweet boyfriend didn't sound very... realistic. "Did something happen?"

"Yeah." Lukas sounded nervous. It broke Philip. Something inside him ached to just wrap his arms around Lukas and protect him. The kid had good ideas and the best intentions but they never seemed to work out in his favor. "I got arrested. Which is okay, but it's bad because Helen was the one that arrested me." 

"What?" Philip swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up, stuffing his feet into his shoes. Last night Philip didn't bother stripping off his clothes. He was still in his wrinkled shirt and jeans from the day before. "What happened? Did someone hurt you? Who do I have to fight? Because I know you aren't one to pick fights, you aren't very good at punching-"

"Hey." Lukas laughed. "You're lucky Tony likes me. He says I'm scrappy. He's giving me as much time as I want to call you. I don't know what Helen is going to give me or what I'll have to do but I need you to cover for me. My dad's out of town but... I'm just nervous. If you have to lie, say we have a class project or something, okay?" 

"Okay." Philip replied. "I'm coming down to see you. I'll leave a note on your door on the way down saying that you and I left to go into the city and get supplies for the new project we're working on." Philip stuffed his wallet and keys into his pocket, walking out into the hallway. "I'm good at lying, trust me. It's how I got by-"

"I know." Lukas was talking quiet again. "I know. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that life has given you some cocktail of misery, but at least you got a dumb boyfriend to help out with it." Philip could hear the smile in his voice. One day, Philip hoped that it would be the only thing he saw. Lukas' smile.  

"Boyfriend?" Philip leaned against the wall, biting his lip. "And what's this mystery boys name?" He had a few seconds to tease Lukas. His dad wasn't rushing home and Lukas was safe at the station with Tony. The worst that could happen would be Tony making Lukas watch all of the magic tricks he knew. Philip had heard horror stories about that from Gabe. 

"Lukas." Lukas hummed. Philip wondered if he was smiling when he said his name, smiling while he finalized what they were. "Now get going. I'm gonna go lay down and try to sleep some more. The beds aren't comfortable here. At all." He groaned. Lukas would be the only one to complain about how comfortable or uncomfortable a jail cell may be. "I'll see you in an hour or something, I guess. I'll see you." 

"How do we say goodbye?" Philip would rather worry about how to talk to Lukas than worry about why Lukas was in jail. "Do we say romantic stuff? Or do we just say bye?" He walked towards his mirror and ran his fingers through his hair, pulling the knots apart and flattening the hair against his head. He took a deep breath and looked at himself, smiling. "I don't want to say the entire "love you" thing yet." 

"We can say "be safe" instead." Lukas sounded anxious. "Okay, I really do have to go. Be safe. Don't tell anyone that I'm here-" He sighed. "Be safe, okay? And sneak out if you can. Gabe likes me but he probably won't once he realizes that his... sort of son's boyfriend is in jail." It was painful seeing Lukas jump between happy and nervous. Philip could always tell. From the way he would speak to the way he would look. Lukas only got nervous when he remembered his dad.

"Be safe," Philip replied, walking down the hallway towards the kitchen. Gabe was buttering toast and setting each piece on a plate. "And I deserve an explanation when I get there." The line went dead. He shut his phone off and slipped it into his pocket, sighing. "I'm gonna go out, can you please put my food in the microwave for when I get back?" Philip peeked outside, sighing when he didn't seen Helen's car. "Is she already at work?"

"She never came home. Got a call for a disturbance at like midnight and had to go out and arrest a kid. Happened a few towns over in a place smaller than ours. She locked the kid up and called me to say she was taking a double shift." Gabe frowned, looking at the food. "I'll just save all of it so we can eat as a family, I'm not eating alone."

Philip smiled at him, already walking towards the front door. "Don't worry, you won't have to." He pushed the door open and ran down the steps, grabbing his bike and walking it down the front lawn. Lukas' house was only a little ways down the road, it shouldn't take him long to get there. Philip climbed onto the bike and began to pedal, making sure to hug the shoulder of the road. The streets were empty, but Philip had seen enough cars speed up and down the road to know better.  

Philip pulled his ear buds out and pressed them inside his ears, plugging them into his phone. Without looking up at the road he pressed play on a playlist and stuffed his phone into his pocket. It wasn't dangerous not watching where the cars were, not unless Lukas' friends were out. Philip figured they wouldn't be out this early, though. They were too busy dealing with hangovers. Philip rolled his eyes at the idea and sped up, hunching over the handle bars of his bike. 

It took a long time for Philip to be able to ride bikes again. Todd was the person who taught him out, grabbing his hips and moving him around in sickening ways. Philip was too young to know, too busy being innocent and craving attention. Todd once told Philip during a fight that Philip wanted it. That his big brown eyes and attention seeking personality was practically begging for it. Todd was also the first person to buy him a bike, a bike that still sat in his mother's apartment collecting dust. He wanted to get rid of it but he couldn't look at it for too long.  

Philip couldn't believe Lukas had gotten into a fight. He wasn't the type to pick them. As long as no one screwed with him first, Lukas was pretty calm. He didn't talk much but he did listen. Listened to the happiness and the sadness in people's voices. Listened to the tragic stories and the stories so happy that they sounded like they came from a fairytale novel. Someone really had to have pissed Lukas off to start a fight. He hoped it wasn't one of the assholes at school finding out about them. 

Lukas didn't need anymore anxiety, his father was already all over his ass about motocross scholarships and keeping a good image. Lukas had told Philip about it before, and then in less words, he said that if they ever were together that they couldn't be open. No one wants to sign a gay guy. Philip hoped he would be able to talk Helen out of putting anything on his record. Lukas' dad didn't know about the abuse, he hardly even knew about Philip. Bo couldn't be added to the mix, it would only make this a million times harder on both of them.  

Lukas' house had all of the lights off, a few turkeys roaming around the front lawn. Philip hoped that one day he could go to his house for a good reason. Not to sneak around and avoid trouble, but to do the stuff all teenagers do. Kiss. Cuddle. For so long Philip was sure he wouldn't get that. Noah was amazing, but that was the problem. He was too amazing and too kind and too perfect. Philip couldn't be with someone so good. He was bad. He needed someone who knew how harsh life was. How it was unforgiving to even theones who don't deserve it.

The air was cold against Philips arms when he climbed off his bike and rolled his sleeves up. Philip dug around in his pockets, smiling to himself when he found a broken pencil and half of an index card. Emma had a horrid habit of passing notes in class. Philip was surprised teachers still adored her with all the note passing and whispering she did. She was the opposite of Philip. It was hard to remember not everyones abuse made them hide. Some made them cry out for any attention they could get

The note was sloppily written, but that didn't matter. Philip was only focused on seeing Lukas and getting him out of jail before his father made it home. The wrinkled paper tucked in between the door and door frame was nothing. With a deep breath and a finale glance at the note, Philip turned around and walked off of the front porch and down the steps. The handles on his bike were still warm, which was nice considering how cold it was outside. Weather in the city wasn't as bad. Snow was always gone and Philip was mostly in doors. Tivoli was much, much different.  

Philip biked off of the Waldenbeck property, taking a left back towards his house. Tivoli seemed to be built around three main roads, which made it less confusing, but also made it impossible to avoid people. Everyone had the same hangouts. It only took Helen and hour to drive around town and that's what Philip was worried about. She already disliked him, he didn't need Lukas' arrest to count against him, especially since his mother was dead. Forcefully, Philip shook his head and wiped the tears from his eyes. Now was not the time to think about Anne. 

Biking down the roads were difficult. Most of them lacked sidewalks and the roads were filled with rocks and bumps. Riding the bus was never Philips thing, though. It made him anxious. He was the new kid here, there was no way he was going to sit on a bus of strangers where they could point and stare like he was an animal. If anything, Pbilip Shea was a freak with the odds stacked against him. He was in foster care with a mother who committed suicide and a father figure who molested and abused him to no end. It was shocking to Philip that he managed to have friends. 

Cars began to drive past Philip, heading off to the city. For work or for fun. Philip didn't know. He hardly knew anything anymore. Anne once told him that when he was born he became the most important thing to her. That she suddenly just had energy to take care of him. Philip was sure the feeling was mutual. Without Anne everything felt pointless and tiring. He didn't even know what day it was anymore. Philip was existing on autopilot and it was the most miserable thing he had felt. Things hadn't been this bad since Todd. 

Philip took a deep breath and continued to bike towards the center of town, gripping the handle bars as tight as he could. His mind kept wondering to Lukas. There weren't many boys in the school that Lukas had a problem with and Lukas was popular enough for most guys to leave him alone. They didn't think risking their own popularity was worth it. So who did Lukas fight? It couldn't have been his father. Lukas would never fight back against Bo. 

Only one police car was outside of the station and it wasn't Helen's. A wave of relief washed over Philip as slowed to a stop and rested his bike against the side of the building. He pulled his ear buds out and stuffed them into his pocket, taking a deep breath and pulling the door open.

"Hey." Tony's voice was rather energetic for how early it was. "I am going to take a wild guess and assume you aren't here to see Helen." He pointed at Philip. "Bingo?"

"Bingo." Philip mumbled, soft pants escaping his lips. "I... um... Lukas is back there and I need to get him. Its important."

"Sorry." Tony muttered. "But Helen told me she was gonna decide what to do with him later. Its his first offense, not that I peeked at his file, so I think he can get out of it on just a warning." There was a few seconds of silence. "Thats not good enough, is it?"

"No. His dad.... his dad is really strict and I need to get him now. I will talk to Helen if I have to but-"

"I'll let him out." Tony stood up, looking over at the door that lead to the back. "She's gonna yell at me 'til she loses her voice but whats new?"

"I get how it feels." Philip offered a sad smile and a nod. 

"Yeah, I don't think shes really a fan of anyone." Tony pulled a key from the loop and walked towards the door. "I think she only liked Gabe. And thats a maybe."

"Glad to know I'm not the only one." Philip sighed. "You could say you let him off with a warning?" Philip didn't really know the technicalities of it. All he knew was that he needed to get Lukas out. "Or something..."

"Yeah, I will." Tony smiled and opened the door, walking down a small hallway and into a dark room. The room was small and sunlight cast into it from a small window on the wall. Tony flicked on the light and made his way towards the last cell. "Hes just a kid and its his first time. I'll tell her I gave him a stern talking to-" He jabbed his finger into Philips chest. "But only because I like you."

Philip smiled awkwardly, nodding. "Thanks."

"Wake up, buddy." Tony kicked some of the bars on the cell. "Someone's here to get you." Tony slid the key into the door and unlocked it, pulling it open. "He was up late. The town was like an hour away and Helen tried her best to get their in time but..."

"But?"

"The guy was fucked. His face was all bashed in and he was bleeding and swollen. Lukas did a number on him. And the strangest part?" Tony looked over at the body that laid across the thin cell bed. "He refused to tell us why he did it. He just said the guy deserved it." 

Philip knit his eyebrows together, nodding. "Does he even know anyone over there?" He slipped past Tony and walked into the cell. 

"I mean, it looks like he does. The guy didn't say what it was about either. Seems like no one is pressing charges or anything else.... so who knows." Tony shrugged. "Maybe it'll just blow over." 

"Maybe." Philip sat down on the edge of the bed, rubbing Lukas' arm. "You can go back out. We'll be out soon. I just need to wake him up."

Tony hurried out of the room and closed the door behind him leaving Philip alone with Lukas. Philip slid his arm up and down Lukas' arm, his thumb rubbing against his skin. Lukas was laying on his stomach, his face pressed against the pillow. Lukas stirred beneath his touch, slowly sitting up. He faced Philip, Philips eyes widening.

Lukas' face was covered in cuts and bruises. A bruise in the shape of a hand print wrapped around his neck. There were small cuts that covered Lukas' face, along with a split lip. His right eye was a horrid shade of dark purple and black, his other eye fine. Beneath the okay eye was a cut and a bruise. 

"Hey." Lukas whispered, looking up at him. "Thank you for coming and getting m-"

"What the hell happened?" It took all of Philips strength not to yell. "You got the shit beat out of you."

"You shoulda seen the other guy." Lukas was pulling Philip towards him, pawing at his hips. "Let's not talk about it. Can we just leave? Its ove-"

"Who was the other guy?" Philip slowly reached out to touch Lukas, but Lukas pulled away. "Come on. You can't just call me and have me come and get you out of jail, Lukas, jail-"

"I know where I am."

"And not tell me why you're in here." Philip wasn't really angry until now. "You can't... we can't have secrets anymore. This- I want this to work-"

"It was Todd."

Philip froze, staring at Lukas. "What?" Lukas didn't know where he lived. There was a site that gave you a general vicinity so people could know where the sex offenders of the town were to be safe, but that didn't give out addresses. He needed a phonebook for that.

"I..." Lukas shook his head. "I was in a fight with Todd."


End file.
